“I’m fine sleeping on the floor.” I tell him again, but Hanbin ignores me.

“This is clean bedding.” Hanbin says as he tucks the sheet into the mattress corner with the expertise of a child left home alone too many times. I tried to help make the bed but he wouldn’t let me. I watch as he shakes out the comforter before laying it over the bed, again tucking in the corners with such care. “Professor Choi bought this for you last year. It’s pink.”

It is pink. Very pink.

“Thanks Hanbin.” I concede with a sigh, stepping over the folded futon to sit on the bed. I watch him unfold it and create a blanket cocoon for himself. I’m reminded of watching a dog settle into its bed.

“It’s weird my parents are letting us have a sleepover.” He remarks, peeking from out of his blanket cocoon as I settle myself into the bed. “It’s weirder that you have no problem sleeping in my bed.”

“Well, when you word it like that…” I murmur, turning to look down at him on the floor. “Do you have a problem with it?”

“No.” He shakes his head. I can only see his eyes and ruffled hair. And his one foot peeking out from the bottom of the blanket.

As babies we even bathed together and took naps in the sun, our heads facing together. Neither of us mentions it.

“Good.” I , reaching over the edge of the bed to hit him. He pushes my hand off and I fall back laughing. “You wouldn’t even be alive if my mom hadn’t introduced your parents to each other.”

“Why do you always bring that up so proudly as if it’s something you did?” Hanbin grumbles, his voice muffled under the comforter. “Hey, what do girls usually do at sleepovers? Is it like in the movies?”

“Why are you asking that?” I snort, looking up at the holes in the ceiling where Hanbin had thrown pencils and pens. “I guess we do makeup, eat snacks, watch movies… Talk about crushes. We already ate snacks and put on moisturizer so I guess that’s close.”

“Ah, so it’s nothing special.” He answers simply, not saying anything more.

I turn back over in bed, making myself comfortable again. I pull the comforter snugly over my chest, wiggling until my head is situated perfectly on the pillow. My eyes slowly flutter shut and I can feel the familiar chemical drowsiness setting in.

“Are you asleep?” Hanbin quietly asks after a while.

I shake my head but I’m not sure if he sees from his futon on the floor.

“No.” I tell him out loud, gripping the pink blanket lightly in my hands.

“Hayi, is there anyone you have a crush on?”

I debate answering him or not, the word crush sounding too silly.

But it is silly. The way I feel about Bobby is silly and childish and it doesn’t make sense.

“Yes.” I answer in a whisper, as if afraid if my voice is too loud the whole world will hear. “But it’s a secret.”

“Me, too.” Hanbin whispers back, his voice deep and accented with a small yawn.

“Who is it?” I ask after a moment, a part of me hoping that if I could distract Hanbin he wouldn’t care about Bobby anymore. “Do I know her?”

“It’s a secret.” He responds mockingly but for some I feel like if I were to peek over at him, he wouldn’t be smiling.

“Why are you asking about stuff like that anyway?” I ask, confused and slightly annoyed.

“It’s a sleepover.” He says innocently.

I can feel my eyelids getting heavy, my body relaxing on its own.

“I’m sorry I can’t stay up all night gossiping and talking about our crushes.”

“Are you tired from your first day of vacation?” He teases and I smile.

I pull the covers over my head and breathe in the familiar scent.

-&-

The bold aroma of freshly brewed coffee hits my nose. There’s a clatter of pots of pans and the clinking of dishes. I can smell the scent of eggs and ham cooking in a pan. My stomach growls in anticipation.

“You let the kids sleep in the same room?” I overhear Dr. Kim ask as he gets home from work in the morning. A chair scratches against the tile as he sits down. The newspaper crinkles as he opens it up to read.

Hanbin and I pause in the hall outside the kitchen, not daring to be heard.

“I’m not Hayi’s mother but those two are siblings.” Professor Choi says. A pan sizzles.

“Maybe when they were younger that was fine but they’re older now.” Dr. Kim reasons with a sigh. A mug is set down onto the table with a thud. “They’re not related by blood so it’s only natural for…”

A pan clatters onto the countertop.

“There’s nothing to worry about.” Professor Choi reassures. “I confirmed it myself.”

I step back at her words, feeling a slight jab of betrayal even if it hadn’t been intended.

I look at Hanbin but he only stares ahead, unblinking. His face is a tabula rasa. We wait a few more beats before walking into the kitchen.

“Good morning, Dr. Kim.” I give him my greeting with a tiny smile. “Did you work hard?”

He laughs, setting down his paper to pat me on the head. Professor Choi starts to set out plates.

“Yes, Hayi. I’m sorry we didn’t get to have dinner last night, I had an aneurysm patient.” He apologizes, his eyes tired but warm.

“We’ll have dinner tonight.” I smile and he chuckles again.

Hanbin may resent his father for being gone all the time at work but I would do anything for my mother to just be at the hospital performing a surgery.

-&-

“Are you cheating?” I peek over my cards at the man sat leisurely across from me. I wouldn’t put it past him, honestly. The way he’s sitting even looks like he’s a gambler swindling some poor kid. Me.

Uncle Seunghyun responds only with a laugh. Yeah, he’s definitely cheating. We’ve been playing cards all afternoon and I have yet to win. I watch him carefully with narrowed eyes, startling when Hanbin plops down beside me.

“Can I join?” Hanbin asks and I mumble out a response, still observing the other Professor Choi like a hawk. Are the cards in his sleeves? Pant pockets?

We reshuffle and start another round. There’s been a weird energy with Hanbin since this morning. Or if I’m being honest, since last night. I’ve always wanted us to be close, to be as comfortable as siblings that can joke around and eat meals together. Somehow it never quite feels right.

“Hayi, are you looking forward to Professor Yoon’s research group?” Uncle Seunghyun asks, probably to distract me while he pulls out a card from his shirt.

I nod, not letting my eyes leave his stupid cheating body.

“I was lucky to get a spot.” I say, inspecting my hand again. Damn, he’s going to beat me again. “You know Professor Yoon’s my hero.”

“Only upperclassmen who have worked with Yoon got onto her team.” He remarks, setting down his cards. Four of the same month. He grins. How? “You’re the only one who hasn’t been in any of her classes.”

“I heard that afterwards.” I admit, throwing down my hand in defeat. I’m done playing. At least Hanbin lost, too. “I found out a spot was open and she approved me.”

“Is that what you met with Nam about?” Hanbin asks and I bob my head up and down.

“I wanted to be in NamTae’s first group but it’s an honor to work with Professor Yoon.” I say with a little smile.

“I didn’t know you even switched groups.” Hanbin sighs, uncrossing and crossing his legs on the floor. Wait, what? “I only joined Nam’s group because of you.”

“Ah, really?” I ask sheepishly. “I’m sorry, I thought I told you about it.”

“No, it’s fine.” Hanbin says curtly. “Donghyuk’s in Nam’s group, too, so we’ll just have fun together.”

“You’ll have fun without me?”

“Yes. We’ll eat meals together, get drinks together, organize together, get tired and rest our heads in the library together.” Hanbin lists stubbornly and Seunghyun laughs.

“I’m jealous, I want to be an undergrad again.” Says the accomplished young professor who has been published in every major psychology journal in Korea. And three international journals. I roll my eyes.

“We’re the ones jealous of you!” I snap at him more harshly than intended. “All I care about in life is graduating. Without a degree I’m not even a human.”

“You’ll get there.” He reassures me. “And then all you’ll care about is another degree, and another. And then publishing, and getting a fellowship overseas, and then publishing again, and again. You’ll get there, enjoy your troubles while they’re small.”

Enjoy my troubles while they’re small? I stare at him with narrowed eyes. My breath catches in my throat and I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut.

I don’t sleep. I barely eat. My body hurts all the time.

Everything I do is to get a degree. Without that degree, I’m nothing.

How is that small?

-&-

I walk outside holding onto a crinkling plastic yellow bag from the corner store. I needed air and realized why I was happy my family never speaks. A dead mother, a father and sister who act like I’m dead to them. That was perfect for me, that I could handle. Being with Hanbin’s family was hard.

Too many people in the house, never a moment alone. Seunghyun, Professor Choi, Hanbin, all his brothers and cousins. Hanbin complains about his parents and his eyes say that he’s so lonely.

But how could he be lonely? How could he be lonely where there are so many people?

I clutch my chest, the feeling of suffocation setting in. I lean against a wall and unwrap the cellophane from a pack a pack of cigarettes. Sticking a cigarette between my teeth, I fish around in my jacket pockets for a lighter.

“Hey! Kids shouldn’t be smoking!” A voice shouts at me from across the alley and I hit my head lightly against the brick in annoyance.

My thumb flicks against the lighter and it ignites with a click. I light my cigarette and sharply inhale, the smoke burning in my lungs. I look back up to the man in the alley in shock as I realize I know that voice. He laughs at me with a toothy grin as I pluck the cigarette from my mouth and quickly stomp it into the ground.

“You didn’t have to waste your money, smoke if you need to smoke.” Bobby tells me with a smug look, a yellow bag in his grip.

“Did you follow me?” I ask him, staring at the unmistakable bag.

“Why would I follow you? This is my neighborhood…” He scrunches his face but I can tell he wants to laugh. I feel embarrassed he caught me but I’m too happy to see him to care. I rake my teeth across my tongue, as if I could remove the taste of tobacco.

“This is your neighborhood?” I look around, as if there were some clues hidden on the walls that I missed. A trash can with his face on it. A street lamp clearly marked, ‘Bobby’s neighborhood.’ “My academy is around here.”

And Hanbin’s house. I don’t say it because I’m sure he knows. Somehow, I’m still scared to say his name.

“Why are you out here?” He asks. “Isn’t your academy closed for the holiday?”

“I needed air.” I look at him through narrowed eyes, inspecting him. “Why are you out here?”

“Beer.” He answers simply with a toothy grin, holding up his yellow bag, the blue logo on the cans showing through the translucent plastic. “I’ve been helping with a music video filming all day, it’s tiring.”

“With Lee Chaerin?” I ask, then regret. My eyes fall back to the ground, my fingers squeezing around the carton in my hand.

“Yeah.” He smiles, letting back his back rest against the brick next to me. “You two don’t get along, right?”

I shake my head, counting the cracks in the pavement.

“I get that.” He says quietly, his head lolling to the side, small eyes looking at me. My cheeks feel hot. I believe him. “My brothers and I used to be close but they all live in the States. And my parents moved there not too long ago to be close to their grandkids. My brother bought them a freakin’ house, you know? We get along, but they still left me here to celebrate the new year alone.”

It’s not exactly the same but I still find myself frowning in sympathy.

“We never talk. Sometimes it feels like it would be better if we weren’t related.” I share quietly, shoving the box of cigarettes into my pocket. There’s more I want to say, words weighing down heavily as they sit on my tongue. But I don’t. I let the silence hang in the air, my eyes drifting open and closed as I stand next to Bobby.

He smells good, like sweat and cologne.

“I wonder what it would be like if you two just talked and gave each other a chance.” Bobby says suddenly, catching me off guard. “To me, your sister is someone I admire a lot. She’s kind, hardworking. I think if you two got to know each other better you might be surprised.”

What the ?

I stare at him, astounded. I see it, the hearts in his eyes as he talks. Bobby’s on another planet, somewhere far away. A place I can’t reach. I always knew that, but I never knew to what extent.

“Thanks for the advice.” I nearly spit, my heart hammering in my chest. Just when I thought I found someone who could almost, almost, understand. I grit my teeth, fighting back the salty tears welling in my eyes.

“Hayi.” He calls out in surprise as I stand up straight. “Did I say too much?”

“No.” I tell him with a tight lipped smile and a bowed head. “You said enough.”

He shouts out to me again but knows better not to follow me. I’m relieved as I stomp along the darkened streets, having stuffed the plastic bag in a trash can. I can see a figure running up the street toward and my heart lurches for a moment. It was easy to forget that I was a girl, after all, and it was dangerous to skulk through the dark.

“Hayi!” It’s Hanbin. He calls out my name, again and again. He seems winded from running but I don’t think I’d been gone that long. I told them I was going to the store.

“Was I gone that long?” I ask when he catches up to me, hands on his knees as he tries to catch his breath.

His expression is strange, unreadable. He looks at me with… Pity.

“Hayi, we just got a call after you left. It’s your dad.” He huffs out, his cheeks red and hair wild with sweat.

“What?” I stare at him, not sure how to process the words.

Dad.

He and I have never used a word like that before.

“The train your dad was supposed to be on crashed. We can’t get ahold of him. You have to come back to the house now.”