At first it’s the heat on my face, and then the stench of burning cotton. The tickling itch of smoke in my lungs.

I remember something from when I was younger, a memory that had been neatly tucked away. There was smoke then, and flames, too. My mother was crying and swearing as I screamed from my highchair. She was fanning at the fire, the blackened pan fuming and sizzling from the oil.

I could still see her face, wet with tears. The fire reflected in her eyes. So she was like this in my memories, too. Not just smiling in a doctor’s coat with tired eyes. Not just holding me in her arms and telling me everything would be okay. She was like this, too. Flame and smoke and anxiety. Reds and oranges and yellows.

The water splashes out the side of the tub as I startle, desperately holding onto the rim. Smoke, smoke everywhere. The bathmat had burned into a cinder black. Fire at the curtains and walls, surrounding me.

I cup my nose with my hand as I scramble from the tub, trying to put out flame where I can.

-&-

When I’m kicked out of my apartment I’m not surprised. Chaerin drives me back to the house, telling me not to worry about the envelope the landlord had given me. She says Dad will take care of it, why should I worry?

Why should I worry?

I almost burned down an apartment building.

Why should I worry?

I stare ahead at the road, watching the neighborhood pass us by. It looks fake, like a manufactured set of what a neighborhood should look like. A cardboard figure of an old woman walking her dog.

I pick at the bandage on my arm before Chaerin gently places her hand over mine to stop me. I just wanted to see if I had really been injured. If it was all real, or just a drama playing out.

“Professor Choi gave me the number for someone who can help you.” Chaerin peeks at me from the corner of her eye. “You’ll go, won’t you?”

I nod, staring at the bandage on my arm and Chaerin’s bright pink nails.

The car rolls into the driveway and Chaerin puts it in park. She unclicks her seatbelt and turns to look at me. For the first time I see that her eyes are bloodshot, there’s swelling under her eyes that makeup can’t hide.

“Things are really tough for you right now, huh?” She purses her lips, not looking at me. I feel like it’s the first time she’s ever asked me how I’m doing. “But so are you, Hayi. You’re tough. Tougher.”

Her fingers squeeze around my wrist. I want to cry but it’s because I’m happy. I’m so exorbitantly happy that for the first time in my life my sister gets it. She doesn’t blame me or make me feel bad, she just gets it. It’s hard on me, it’s tough. She understands.

I sit through dinner more easily than I thought I would. I eat my salad without feeling like a failure. I sip my water without feeling worthless. Professor Lee hands me the bread and his eyes don’t reflect disappointment or resentment or judgment. He looks tired. Just like all of us, he looks so tired. Like a human.

Chaerin washes the dishes and I dry, eyes looking out the window. I never realized the garden my mother planted was still there. Who had been taking care of it all of these years? It wasn’t overgrown or wilting, the flowers and vegetables looked well maintained.

I walk up to my room after a hug from Chaerin and carefully start to unpack my suitcase. It startles me how easily my life was packed into one single bag. Did I really make such a small impact that it could be neatly stowed away in a corner of the room?

I took my medicine and washed my face before crawling into bed. I scroll my phone, reading the messages from Hanbin that have built up and accumulated into missed calls.

I’m alive.

I tap out quickly and set my phone down. I look up at the ceiling, teeth worrying into my bottom lip. No, that’s not enough. My hands grabs the phone again and I type more.

Thank you for thinking about me.

“Hayi.” The voice startles me and I put my phone back onto the bedside table. Professor Lee’s figure is silhouetted softly by the small lamp beside me. “Are you having a hard time falling asleep?”

I nod and he comes into the room, pulling a chair next to my bed. He pulls the comforter up over my body, brushing my bangs from out of my face. I feel like a kid again. I always wanted to go back to when I was happy, when I could laugh and make friends easily. I thought it was because I was young and didn’t know any better but to smile.   

My shoulder were light back then because I had a sister who beat up my bullies. A mother who rocked me in her arms when she watered the garden. A father who tucked me into bed. It wasn’t my fault that I got sick but was it my fault that I lost those things along the way? Was it my fault I lost my family?

“Do you want me to tell you a story?” He asks and I’m transported back in time.

“Yes.”

“Give me three words and I’ll tell you a story.”

I take a deep breath, my heart beating softly in my chest.

“Mom, mom… mom.” I look over to him, expecting a frown or for him to say he doesn’t want to talk about her, like he always said.

Instead, he smiles.

-&-

I run down the stairs, the doorbell ringing incessantly. Dad was at a conference in Jeju and Chaerin was at a video shoot in Busan. I’d been mulling around the house by myself all day, bored and restless.

The door swings open and I step back in surprise.

“Nam.” I say, bewildered. He’s the last person I expected. “What are you doing here?”

“Here.” He shoves a bag toward me and I take it from him with a nod.

“Thank you.” I smile, looking at the bag’s contents. It’s a cake. “Do you want to come inside and have a slice?”

“No, that’s okay.” He shakes his hand and gives me a lopsided smile.

“Are you sure?” I ask again, sure that there’s something else to it. I feel guilty toward him, toward everyone at school. I set the cake down on the table before stepping out the door and closing it behind me. “We can talk out here, then.”

He steps back, rubbing his smooth chin.

“I just wanted to show you my support, and let you know I’ll help you even though you couldn’t finish the semester.” His words catch me off guard. I wasn’t expecting it, especially after I flaked from the opportunity of leading a recitation. “A missed semester is not the worst thing in the world. All of your professors understand.”

“Thank you, Nam.” I murmur, my chest hurting, but in a good way. “I never expected this.”

“This is for you, too.”

It’s a card from Professor Yoon. I read it and look up at him, only barely holding back shocked tears. She said she wants me to get better soon, so I can work with her again.

“You’re an amazing student, Hayi.” Nam laughs. “You know that, right?”

“Seriously.” I laugh, too, wiping at my damp eyes. “Thank you so much.”

I give him a hug because the gratefulness is pouring out of me like flood waters from a broken dam. He feels so much skinnier than he looks, almost as if I could crush him if I squeezed too hard. I pull away with a smile, still holding the card in my hand. I look up to say goodbye and his lips press against mine.

His thumb brushes against my cheek and I move back in shock.

“I’m sorry.” He stammers out. “I…”

“You surprised me.” I make a quick excuse, not sure why I can’t give him a straight answer. “I just didn’t expect that.”  

His gaze is fixed on his shoes as he tries to compose himself. I feel like a for letting this drag out for as long as it did. I just never knew what to say.

“I better get going.” He says finally, his lips curled up to hide the unmistakable disappointment brewing in his heavy lidded eyes. He brushes his hair from his face before waving at me. “Take care of yourself, Hayi.”

I watch wordlessly as he walks back down the road to his car. My lips tingle as if stung by a wasp.

I move to go back inside the house and pause as I glance over the fence.

Hanbin stares at the figure getting into his car, his eyes widened in shock. He looks back at the house, meeting my gaze.  

He saw it all, right? He saw it, I know, it’s written all over his face.

“Hanbin.” I manage to peep out, even though I feel like I’m ten centimeters tall. “Why are you just standing there? Come in.”

He walks up the path to the house, following in behind me. I move the cake, feeling heavier than it had before. I feel embarrassed, I feel so embarrassed.

I bring out a couple glasses of juice, handing one to Hanbin as I sit in the chair across from the couch.

“You saw everything right?” I chuckle darkly, sipping on my juice. “I regret telling Nam I’m not interested in him like that. I feel like I just lead him on.”

I keep rambling but I have to explain or else Hanbin could get the wrong idea. I don’t know why it’s so important to me that he doesn’t get the wrong idea but he can’t.

“It’s not your fault.” Hanbin sighs, fingers gripping onto the glass tightly. “So don’t worry, Hayi.”

“But that was my first kiss.” I blurt out, covering my mouth. “That was my first kiss but it was meaningless, I didn’t even want to...”

“It wasn’t, though.” Hanbin interrupts harshly. “Don’t you remember?”

I shake my head silently.

“We were on the bus going to a school trip. You were sitting next to me. There was a bump in the road and our lips touched.”

“That doesn’t count.” I frown, hands laced tightly in my lap.

I do remember. It was only for a moment, my lip was bruised from where his teeth had clashed against mine. I didn’t think much of it then, it was just Hanbin.

“But it counted for me.” Hanbin replies simply. “That was the day all the empty spaces in my heart started to fill.”

I watch him carefully, his eyes dark and smooth as velvet. His words drip through my mind, sticky and sweet like honey. My fingers dig into the arm of the chair, as if I’m scared I’ll get trapped and won’t be able to find a way out.

“Hanbin.” I try to stitch the words together, starting with his name because the syllables form so easily on my tongue. “I’m sorry but I’m just not there yet. I’m not ready.”

I look to see hope of yet reflect in his eyes but I might have missed it.

“Okay.” He nods finally, his face unreadable.

“Okay?”

He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he stares at me. I see it all in eyes, everything that he held back. It all pours out wordlessly. The reason he gelled his hair, why he did things he didn’t want to, why he watched movies he hated.

“I selfishly want you to be happy, Hayi.” He clasps his hands together, tongue darting out to wet his lips. “I can only live if you’re happy.”

I sit back breathlessly, letting the intensity of his gaze suffocate me.

If I fell in love with Kim Hanbin it would be the greatest thing to ever happen to me, and I'm not sure if I deserve that.

---

A/N: Finally things are starting to turn around! whew~ I'm really proud of this chapter so I hope you enjoy it!

Thank you to everyone who wished me a good vacation I had a lot of fun and had some down time to brainstorm and plan out the next few chapters. <3