Most people don’t like change. I’m guilty of that, too. The mere exposure effect explains why people tend to prefer things just because they’re familiar with them. Repeated exposure to a stimulus leads to a more positive association with that stimulus. Basically, the more we’re around something (or someone), the more likely we are to like it.

But change is necessary.

I was someone who had never held a job or worked for my own money. My parents always took care of my tuition, gave me money when I needed it. When she grew up Chaerin started to hide money in my wallet like I’d never notice. I was someone like that but when I had too much time on my hands, Professor Choi recommended me to a position at a daycare. I thought I didn’t like kids, and yet I found myself mystified by their honesty and selfishness.

I went to Dr. Park even though I hadn’t seen a therapist since I was still a kid. We worked together, changed my treatment plan, talked about where I want to be. I had gotten used to self-treating but that didn’t mean that it was doing me any good. I thought I could handle it because I’d read some textbooks and taken some classes.

I was someone who could never rest, never really relax. I was always on edge. Other than work and therapy, I had a lot of time on my hands. Chaerin invited me to tag along with her, something neither of us would have done before. I tried new things and didn’t totally hate it.

But you can’t completely break the familiarity principle.

Professor Lee went back to teaching at the university. I take the long route to class so I can walk by the music building. Jimin works with Jackson and then uses the allowance her parents’ give her to buy expensive meat.

Kim Hanbin still smiles at me.

-&-

“Have your classmates figured out you have all the exam answers?” Hanbin walks in front of me but keeps turning back to make sure I’m following behind.

“Not yet.” I breathe out like a prayer. “Though I’m not exactly advertising it either.”

“You’re not? I would.”

“No, you wouldn’t.” I roll my eyes, stopping when I find the book I’ve been looking for. The Magic Years by Selma Fraiberg. It’s my second time taking Developmental Psychology but since my job at the daycare I’ve found a new passion.

I startle as I feel hands on the side of the head, relaxing as I feel earbuds pushing gently into my ear.

I hear a soft melody, quietly familiar like a dream. A song I’ve heard before but not for a long time, maybe in a movie or something my dad played.

“This is a present for you.” Hanbin tells me, his smiling face visible as he walks back around me. “I made a playlist of every song I heard that reminded me of you.”

He watches my face carefully as I go back to my book, flipping pages absently as I listen to the songs that play in my ears. I can’t pretend to read anymore and look at him, his arm placed over my head on the shelf. We’re hidden in a row of bookshelves, with no one around. I listen to his confession, the words he’d carefully picked to replace his own. The songs that whisper the words he wanted to but couldn’t write.

Sadness, anger, happiness, love.

“Well, what do you think?”

I stand up on my toes, linking my arm around his neck to bring him down. I hesitate for a moment, letting my breath mix with his. He rests his forehead against my mine but otherwise doesn’t move. He waits for me. I look into his eyes, so close I can see my own reflection staring back.

Delicately, I press my lips against his.

For a moment I remember that this is my third kiss. Our clashing of mouths on the bus didn’t count, and I coudn’t see Nam the way he wanted me to. But this kiss seems like everything to me.

Slow, soft, tender. My nose brushes against his nose. His eyelashes tickle against my cheek. My eyes flutter as he nibbles at my lower lip. Urgent, insistent, warm. I gasp out, my whole body tingles and my legs feel weak as I hang onto him desperately.

Hanbin supports me with a hand on the small of my back, pulling me in closer. Our bodies press against each other snugly as if he could absorb me and we’d become one person. He kisses me back hungrily, his playlist still in my ear. He tastes like peppermint and coffee, familiar and warm on my lips.

Someone clears their throat audibly from the other side of the shelf.

Hanbin pulls away slowly and I stare back at him startled. I hold tightly onto the book in my hand as we run off, glancing at each other and bursting into peals of laughter.

“Don’t laugh, it’s embarrassing.” I hit him, even though I can’t help but giggle as we hurry out of the library. My cheeks feel like they’re on fire, I can see the redness rising along the back of his neck as he walks ahead of me.

He turns back with a smile, holding out his hand. I grab onto him and he laces his fingers with mine.

I’m the kind of person who likes to walk quickly but today I’ll take my time. I’ll go slow, with Hanbin beside me, his warm hand closed over mine.  

Every so often Hanbin stops, just to look at me, smile, and then keep walking. My heart feels light, like it could flutter out of my chest like a thousand butterflies.

“I think I know what I want to do.” He tells me, holding out his phone with his headphones wrapped lazily around it. “I found a way to combine music and psychology: I want to go into music therapy. Watching you go through pain, I don’t want you, or anyone else to suffer like that. I want to help the way I know how.”

“That’s amazing, you’re amazing.” I say sincerely, sunshine shining through my teeth. “I’m happy for you, Hanbin.”

All I can do is watch him, my lips permanently curled into a smile. My grip on his hand tightens.

I’m so happy I don’t know what to do with myself.

We walk around the corner to my house, slowing down as we see the cars parked out front. Our fingers untangle as we walk up to the front door. I turn the knob cautiously, the door swinging open unlocked.

“Hayi’s home!” A voice calls happily from the kitchen and I walk tentatively to see everyone standing around in the dining room.

“What’s going on?” I ask Chaerin when she comes up to me, handing me a wine glass filled with water.

“Everyone was invited over for dinner at the house.” Chaerin replies with a furrowed brow, taking a sip of her own wine. “You didn’t get the messages we sent? You brought Hanbin.”

Hanbin sits next to me as I get ready for dinner. I’m suspicious but he doesn’t seem to think anything’s off.

“What’s wrong with everyone hanging out?” He whispers over his water.

“Our families aren’t capable of just ‘hanging out.’” I whisper back behind my hand. “Even Dr. Kim is here.”

Chaerin and Professor Choi set out the dishes and we all start to eat. I chew my food carefully, still sure that something must be going on. There haven’t been this many of us gathered in a while. The last time was when we celebrated Professor Choi’s move to England and before that was when Chaerin announced she was dropping out of medical school.

I elbow Hanbin when Uncle Seunghyun clinks his glass with a spoon as he rises from his chair.

“Thank you to everyone for making it today, even though it was a little last moment. Cheers.” Seunghyun smirks, raising his glass. He holds out his other hand to Chaerin and I inhale sharply. “We wanted everyone we love to be here when we announced that we’re getting married. Unfortunately, none of them could make it so we invited you all.”

Stunned laughter floats around the table as Chaerin stands up next to him, flashing the diamond ring on her finger. I gape in shocked silence, my suspicions confirmed.

The rest of the evening is consumed by plan-making and congratulations. Excited chattering and glasses clinking. Chaerin comes over to me to kiss my cheek and I give her a hug, still unsure what to say.

Somehow I can’t find myself wanting to talk about dresses and flowers summer weddings. I don’t have the appetite to devour details of honeymoons in Paris and newlywed vacations in Bali.

There’s an unsettled feeling in my stomach I can’t ignore.     

“It’s going to be a small wedding.” Chaerin explains to whoever is listening as the meal winds down.

“We were just going to go to town hall and then elope to Paris since Chaerin has a job there.” Seunghyun adds, taking a sip of wine.

“You can’t do that!” Professor Choi chides, waving her hand as her wine sloshes in her glass. She and her brother really are too alike. “You have to have a wedding here, look at all of your family. And think of your friends.”

“We can think about it more and discuss it later.” Chaerin smiles diplomatically, making Professor Choi laugh.

“Well, now Hanbin and Hayi can’t get date and be married.” Professor Choi sighs, setting down her glass. “You’ll be cousins now.”

“Not really.” Hanbin laughs, catching a sharp glare from his mother. “We won’t actually be cousins, it’s just through marriage.”

“Yes, really.” Professor Choi responds harshly, the rest of the table quieting down amid her outburst. “I’m not joking, Hanbin. That would look horrible for our family’s reputation, it could never happen.”

I feel guilty, sitting still in my seat like a statue because I have no idea what else to do. I don’t look at Hanbin, if I do I feel like I’d be convicted on the spot. My lips are still swollen from the kisses we didn’t know we were stealing. I’m like a criminal caught with blood on my hands.

I cover my mouth with a napkin so that no one can see the evidence.

-&-

My days pass quietly, just like they always have.

I go to class, I take notes. I eat lunch and walk past the music building. I see my friends and laugh together, talk together. The other students in my class have discovered my secret and I’ve become their idol. I walk home from campus, just like I always have.

And Hanbin is next to me, just like he’s always been.

“Do you want ice cream?” He asks, droplets of sweat forming on his neck. He nods and opens his wallet, then fishes around in his pockets. “I only have enough for one.”

I stifle my laughter with my hand as he orders the one cone.

“I have money, too, Hanbin. Did you really just order one?”

“We can share.” He shrugs, taking a bite from the side of the soft serve. He offers it to me as we walk, fingers tangled together, arms swinging. “Here.”

I make a disgusted face but bite into the ice cream anyway. The whole idea of it is gross but somehow I don’t mind. It’s Hanbin, so I don’t mind anything these days.

He looks at me, eyes heavy lidded and irises dark.

“What is it?” I murmur, melting under his gaze like the ice cream in his hand.

“You have something… Here.” He kisses me firmly, his tongue darting out to my bottom lip.

My fingers tangle in his soft hair as I kiss him back, smiling against his lips. He leaves little kisses across my lips, nose, cheeks. He pulls away with a laugh, taking a bite out of the cone.

“We’re supposed to be sharing that!” I complain, dazed by his kisses. He offers me a bite and I lean forward, pecking him on the lips quickly instead.

We freeze, chilled to the bone by more than the frosty cone in our hands, as we hear a slow clapping from behind us.

“Don’t stop on my behalf. When did this happen anyway?” Bobby grins as I turn around. “Just kidding, I already know.”

I stare without saying anything and Hanbin’s cheeks are cutely tinged with pink.

I’m at peace, I realize. My crush has subsided and I’m able to laugh when Bobby teases Hanbin.

I decide to return the favor, a smirk on my lips. “Aren’t you coming back from your date with Jisoo?”

Hanbins laughs when Bobby covers his face as he nods, his ears turning bright red. I watch them run around each other laughing and joking around.

I touch my cheek gingerly, my face hurts from smiling. I'm happy.
 

I'm really, really happy.

---

A/N: I was on a roll ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Enjoy the cuteness! We deserve it~