You knew you had to do something. Your grades were dropping bad now. You had a C in two of your classes. One had a D and the other one was barely holding on to it’s B status.

            You were stressed because of your grades, but you didn’t have any motivation to do anything to stop the rapid decent of your grades. Even though you knew your grades were in danger, that didn’t prevent you from sleeping all day.

            You knew the answer to this problem, but you just couldn’t explain it…. Let’s just say that if someone told you that there was a fire in the building, you were ninety percent sure that you would just shrug and tell them to call the cops before heading to bed. You were losing sense of reality.

            It seemed like someone had turned your life into black and white. Everything you did seemed like a dull grey. Pointless, uninteresting and dull.

           You also had lost around ten pounds. Your pants were slightly baggy on you now, and you had to wear a belt to hold them up Your poor eating habits contributed to your lack of energy in the day.

            However, you were finding it harder to sleep. You would spend your night’s stock still and staring at the ceiling until morning light came. Then, you would go to your classes and almost always fall asleep in the back during lectures. The face that you couldn’t sleep made you even more stressed, which in turned caused you not to fall asleep at night.

            Needless to say it was a vicious cycle.

            You imagined that if you today had met yourself a month ago, the old you would be completely disgusted at the person you were today. You knew exactly what the old you would say.

            A image of yourself popped into your mind. “She’s so irresponsible. All she does is sleep. Does she not even care about her future or her grades?” She said with crossed arms, wagging one of her wingers disapprovingly.

            Welcome to your future, you told her bitterly.

            Woozi had apparently caught on to everything. One day your academic advisor called you and asked you why your grades had dropped so low.

            She had been talking very loud and the twitching of the corner of Woozi’s mouth told you that he heard everything. After that, you listened to every call with headphones to prevent further eavesdropping.

            You were feeling so stressed. You were so stressed that you couldn’t do anything. You were stressed because you know you should be able to do something but you couldn’t make yourself do anything even if you wanted to.

            You were making no sense, you admitted it.

            So, you picked something up at the store for it. You couldn’t just go on living this way. Something needed to change, even if it meant doing something you wouldn’t normally resort to.

            You were about to swipe your code to get into the apartment, but you stopped yourself. Why not just give it a try now? I

           You were tempted to feel guilty but you didn’t let yourself. Why should you? It seemed to work for other people. I mean, it must work. If it didn’t work then why did so many people do it, right?

            You sat down on the front steps and pulled out the box, and stared at it for a while, contemplating it. But before you could do anything, someone sat down next to you on the step.

            “Do I need to quote your own words to do?” Woozi said bitterly, grabbing the box  from you. “Smoking kills you.” He attempted a high-pitched imitation of your own voice.

            “Give it back.” You reached for it but he just held it out from your reach. He used his other hand to swat your reaching hand away from him.

            “You owe me cigarettes from last time, remember?” He said while opening the box himself.  He took one cigarette out and then shoved the rest into his bag, and then pulled out a lighter.

            You tried to reach for his bag but he just pushed you away. “Hands off.” He put the cigarette between his teeth, his other handing raising the blight lighter to it.

            You stood up to go in the apartment. You were done with him. You came out here to relieve some stress but he was just adding to it. Why couldn’t he just have ignored you and gone inside? Sometimes you felt that he would go out of his way just to annoy you.

Before you could take so much as a step towards the door, he tugged on the end of your backpack causing you to fall back on the step harshly.

            “If you stay until I finish the cigarette, I’ll give you the rest of the pack back.” He offered.

            You considered it. You certainly didn’t want to waste the eight dollars you spent on that pack, and you didn’t want to spend another eight to get another one. You already gave him four dollars as ‘reimbursement’ when you drowned his last pack, along with the entirety of your change pocket. That would be more than twenty dollars you would’ve spent.

           No way, you were letting him keep your pack. You were getting it back.

            You decided you to sit there until he would finish. It couldn’t be too long.

            He glared at you.  The minutes crept by as neither of you said anything.

            Woozi broke the silence first with an overdramatic sigh. “Oh you going to ignore me?” He said. “Okay fine. You could sit here and not talk or I can be annoying as .”

            You just stared blindly ahead of you. The air heavy with silence.            

            “Alright then.” He took in a deep breath.

            And began singing. You couldn’t stop your mouth from dropping at the shock. That certainty was something that you weren’t expecting.

            You assumed he would’ve been a good singer if he wasn’t singing two octaves up and out of his range. Oh god, it was painful to your ears.

           And with a glance at him you understood that he knew he was being annoying. He was purposely being annoying, oh god he knew it. He was smiling giddily while smoking and singing painfully high.

           He began to sing louder. You became conscious of your neighbors who could possibly hear him. You didn’t even recognize the song he was singing but it was certainty loud.

           You tried to ignore it. You were conflicted with wanting that pack back and not wanting to suffer through conversation with Woozi. But man, his singing was sounding more that a dying cat. You weren’t sure if you could take much more of it.

           You bit the inside of your cheek. It was only for a minute; you could do this.

           But then he began riffing. The high octave made his vibrato crack, and his voice got at least three times louder. You could hear it voice start to echo now, off of God knows what.

           “STOP!” You yelled, “OH GOD, STOP IT!”

           He smirked and took another puff.

             “So, you’re a smoker now?” He said in a muffled triumph. He leaned his back on the step behind him, and rested his elbows on the edge of it lazily.

            “I was just going to try it.” You said dully. Crossing your legs. Disappointed that you had to talk to him, but not regretting telling him to stop singing. God, it was bad.

            “Don’t.” He said seriously, looking you in the eyes. “Smoking ruins you.”

            “So you acknowledge it’s bad for you?”

            “Of course.” He said, he exhaled a puff of smoke through his nose.

            “Then, why do you still smoke even if you know its bad for you?”

            “Why do you continue to sleep when you know it’s effecting your grades?” He countered casually.

            You sighed. The cold air reacted with your warm breath. Your breath crystalized in the air, making it seem like you were smoking too.

            “But you should really stop smoking.”

            “Says the person who was just about to smoke.” Woozi spat at you.

            “I was just experimenting. I wasn’t even going to finish the whole pack.”

            “That’s what I said too,” He inhaled another puff of smoke. “And look where I am now.” He exhaled it out his nose.

            “I have self control.” You countered.

            “And I don’t?” He said, glaring at you. “Why do you want to smoke anyway? I thought you would be smarter than that.” At first you thought it was a complement but then you noted the negative tone of his voice

            “It was worth a try.” You murmured. “I needed something to-” You stopped, realizing who you were talking to. “Just give me my pack, I need to get some stuff done.”

            He laughed into his cigarette bitterly. “And by stuff you mean sleep?” He paused to inhale. His words lingered in the air. He exhaled. “And smoking doesn’t relieve stress if that’s what you were going to say.”

            You looked at him over your shoulder. “Really? Because people say all the time-“           

            “Smoking relieves the short term problem. But then the short term reliever becomes a long term problem in itself.”

            You looked at him for a minute trying to process what he had just said. You didn’t believe what you were hearing. Did Woozi say something that was remotely close to wisdom?

             You couldn’t stop your mouth from hanging open as you stared at him with wide eyes.

            He glanced at you in-between puffs and chuckled. “I can be smart when I want to.”

            “I would be even more impressive if you weren’t holding a cancer stick in your teeth willingly while you said it though.” You recovered from your shock, and replaced your expression with a cold emotionless one. This expression had become default over the few weeks.

            There was silence and you saw him finish his cigarette. Man, he went through them fast.

            You held out your hand to him expectantly. “You’re finished. Now give me the rest.”

            He scoffed at you, his eyebrows meeting in the enter of his forehead. “Excuse me, but if you remember you ruined four cigarettes, so I’m going to smoke four before you can have your pack back.”

            You shifted yourself, preparing to get up from the steps.

            “Fine, I’ll just keep the pack for myself. Thanks for the early Christmas present. I’ll be sure to get you nothing in return.” He said a little too happily.

            “No, don’t-” You sighed in defeat. “Fine.” And he yanked you back down the the step next to him

But when he pulled you down, the scabs in your stomach creased and you could feel it crack.

            You in a sharp intake of breath and you instantly brought your hand to your stomach.

            You felt Woozi’s hand on your shoulder. “What?” He said panicked. “Oh god, I didn’t hurt you did it? DK will never let me live this down if I-“

            “No-” You groaned, the pain starting to ebb away slowly. “-its fine. I’m fine.”

            “You don’t seem like it.” He dropped his hand from your shoulder and he took another puff from the cigarette. “But just don’t tell DK or Hoshi that I did that. They would never let me forget it.”

            Of course that was what he was concerned about. “I won’t.”

            “Speaking of them-.” You rolled your eyes at his clunky change of topic. You “You do know that Joshua has been texting me nonstop?”

            “He has?” You said uninterestedly. Every time you heard his name you had to forcibly stiffen your resolve a bit. You crossed your arms absentmindedly.

            “You don’t have to act like you don’t care. I know you two were close.”

            “I only knew the guy for a month.”

            “An inseparable month.” He sighed dramatically. “Listen, Joshua….” He gestured with his cigarette in hand, while trying to search for words. “…he’s well. To put it simply he’s kind of a wimp.”

            “Be more general, please.” You shot back sarcastically.

            “He’s sensitive.” He snapped back. “He gets attached to people quickly who are similar to him.”

            You could agree with the part about you and Joshua being similar. You both had the same sense of humor. You could easily follow Joshua’s train of thought and by Joshua’s suggestions, he did the same. You both liked the same TV shows, and shared the same taste in music. You both were a tad socially inept and had the tendency to word vomit. You could relate to each other with ease.

            Well, you had. You didn’t really talk much these days.

            “He doesn’t find people that he can relate to very much. He’s a rarity. And shy when around-“

            You had to stop him there. “Whoa, you aren’t trying to convince me that he’s shy, are you? Seriously, how long have you known him for, he is anything but shy! Sure, he’s not on the same talking level as Hoshi and DK but I wouldn’t consider him shy.”

            “He used to be. He’s a lot better now but he still be shy around people he doesn’t know. No, really. Don’t look at me like that, I’m telling you the truth!” He shoved you in the shoulder. “When I was first introduced to the guy, he didn’t say a solid sentence to me for a week. And even after that all he could ask was how my day was. I would answer and in turn, ask him the same question. And what would I get as a response?” He inhaled, with a glazed look in his eyes. “Nothing! That went on for about a couple of months.”

            “Yea, but you’re scary. No one would want to talk to you”

            “Same thing happened with DK and Hoshi. You don’t know this obviously because you met him under unusual circumstances but, even now, when making friends it takes at least a week to get a proper conversation out of him.”

            This certainly was not the Joshua that you knew. “So then, why am I so different?”

            “I dunno. Maybe because he found you asleep on the floor, it’s pretty weird thing to do. I guess Joshua found it intriguing enough to let you bypass his introverted emotional security system.” Why was Woozi telling you any of this?

            But now that you thought about it, it made sense. Whenever Joshua and you went out for tea, he always acted strange when ordering. He would often divert his eyes, and had trouble making eye contact with the cashier. His shoulders would slump down and his voice would get significantly quieter and softer, almost as if he was talking to a person on their death bed.

            You realized that almost half of the time you went out for tea together, when you got in the line to order, Joshua would suddenly ‘need to go to the bathroom’ before he could order. He would hand you his cash, tell you what he wanted and ask you to order for him, pleading that he needed to go to the bathroom urgently. And sure enough, he would never come back in time for him to actually make his order, you had to do it for him.

            “Interesting….” You murmured, caught up in your own thoughts.

            “Anyway, back to what I was saying before.” He brought you back out of your own speculations. “He’s sensitive, and he doesn’t just let people in like he did with you.”

            You felt yourself grow cold again. “So? That doesn’t effect me.” You snapped.

            Woozi finished the second cigarette. You were dumbfounded, is he seriously going to smoke three in a row? What the hell is wrong with him? Does he want to get cancer?

            “He’s hurting. And Joshua… being, well Josh. Thinks that he directly did something to upset you.”

            “That’s stupid, he did nothing wrong.” You said instinctively. As soon as you said those words you wished you could’ve swallowed them right up. Stop. You felt your exterior begin to harden again. You shifted yourself against the edge of the steps, farther away from Woozi.

            “Exactly! That’s what I’m saying.” He said, oblivious to your body language. “So you got to let him know that.”

            “Do that yourself.” You said coolly.

            “But you see he won’t believe me. He will think I’m lying to protect him.”

            “Can’t blame him for accusing you of that. You haven’t exactly given him a reason to trust you.”

            He sat up from his previously leisurely sprawl. “Don’t act like you know anything about our relationship.” He hissed, his body language defensive

            “I don’t know about your relationship, but I know about you. And I know you lie! If I can know that after half of a semester with you, I’m sure that Joshua knows that after years.”

            He took the cigarette out between his teeth and fiddled it between his fingers. He leaned in uncomfortable close to you, and you instinctively leaned back. You were already on the edge of the platform and when you leaned backward your felt the fence of the steps hit your back.

            “For a second I almost forgot how annoying you are.”

            “At least I’m annoying and not a lying manipulator like you.” You spat back.

            Woozi opened his mouth to say something but you beat him to it. “Oh I know, I know. We’re the same.” You quoted him, mocking his gestures as well. “Tell me this, how can you hate me so much if I remind you of yourself, huh?” You said, trying to catch him in his lie.

            “Exactly.” He stood up, and rummaged through through his backpack. “Have you ever considered that that is why I hate you?” He threw the cigarette box on your lap forcefully as he looked down at you, still siting on the steps.

            He turned to swipe his card and entered in the code to get into the building. The door made a buzzing sound as it was unlocked. He opened it and stopped before he walked in.

            He turned his head to the side, you could she his profile but he wasn’t looking at you. “You still owe me one cigarette.” He said, emotionless. “Make sure you have one ready when I ask for it.”

            And then he walked in and the door locked behind him with a buzz.

            You looked at the cigarette box in your lap, contemplating whether or not to smoke one. You thought of Woozi’s words. But no matter how wise they seemed, you couldn’t bring yourself to believe something from an unreliable source.

            You decided to smoke one. But you realized that you didn’t have lighter to light one. Woozi was already upstairs with his, and you were sure that even if you asked kindly (like hell that would ever happen) he still wouldn’t give it to you.

            You sighed, a bit disappointed in yourself. You had broken your rule of silence for a box of cigarettes and now you didn’t even have anything to light them with. Regret.

            You shoved the cigarettes in your backpack anyway. You weren’t going to abandoned them after paying such a heavy price. Talking to Woozi, yuck. Why did you let yourself do that?

            You followed Woozi’s path up the stairs and into the apartment. You did the same ritual of mentally preparing yourself on the way up.

            You entered with the same cold expression, that were fixed on getting to your safety behind your door.

            When you reached it, and closed the door behind you, it was swiftly followed by a knock on the door.

            This surprised you. None of the boys had ever knocked on your door before, they just kind of entered. They had never respected your privacy with a knock. Most time their way of letting you know that they were coming in was starting with, “I swear to God if your -!” Thankfully you never were.

            “Hey?” Hoshi’s voice came from the other side of the door. Strangely quiet and soft. He creaked the door open. And you made split eye contact with him before you snapped your head away.

            “Can I talk to you a sec?” He sounded sheepish. He cleared his throat uncomfortably. “Well, you don’t really have to talk, just listen.”

            When you didn’t respond and he cleared his throat again and said, “I’ll take that as a yes.”

            You could hear him pulling the chair from Woozi’s desk next to your desk. And you heard it creak as he sat down.

            “Dino has been asking about you a lot lately.” He talked slowly and clumsily, apposed to his normal lighting fast speed talking with a rhythmic pace. “He keeps asking about those art lessons that you promised him. He’s been really looking forward to them.”

            You just stared at the blank wall in front of you. Your back facing Hoshi.

            “And I know that you are angry at us for whatever reason, but Dino did nothing wrong. He just-”Hoshi sighed, and paused for a minute. “Dino just wants to learn some art. He’s been telling everyone in his art class that he’s going to take lessons from a ‘professional.’” He laughed quietly with a sad undertone tone. “So you see my dilemma here.”

            You turned to look at him. He was sitting back in the chair, and his head was bent staring down at his hands that were lying limp in his lap. He glanced up when you turned around. He looked up with the most pitiful expression you had ever seen. His expression was the human equitant of the puppy.

            “So, I’m sorry for whatever I did to upset you. But don’t take this out on Dino… he’s just a kid.”

            This isn’t about my anger towards you- you could hear the words you wanted to say in your head, It’s about me protecting myself. I have to do this, for me.

            He looked at you expectantly, waiting for a response. But you just stared at him blankly.

            “You made him a promise.” Hoshi pleaded.

            That was before. Before I realized it was useless trying to make friends. You see, Hoshi, if I do this, It will be me who’s hurting at the end. Because in the end, all of you will disappear, and I will be the only one left standing alone. You have each other.

            “And he’s waiting for you to keep to that promise. Dino is a trusting kid, he takes people for their word.”

            You’re just using me aren’t you? You were fine allowing yourself to be ignored for three weeks. But now you need something… and you expect me to allow myself to be used?

            “Please.” He begged.

            Don’t you understand? I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at myself for letting myself get this far. How could I blame you for something that has been happening my whole life? You didn’t know better. But I did, if I wasn’t so blinded by my emotional attachments, I could’ve seen this coming from a mile away.

            “What I did was my fault not Dino’s.”
            I can’t do this, Hoshi, I’m sorry. If I let myself do this, I will just be asking for the same results as last time. Wasn’t it Albert Einstein who defined insanity as “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”? Well, I’ve been crazy, Hoshi. Crazy of going through the same cycle of making friends, only for it to end with me ending up worse off then when it started. I won’t allow myself to be crazy anymore. I’ll stop the cycle now. After trying and trying again… I accept my results.

            “Please.” He begged again

           I just want to know that this isn’t about any anger towards you or Dino.

            “He’s just a kid.”

            Or Joshua

            “He just wants a friend.”

            It’s about me saving myself.

            You remained poker faced and cold while Hoshi was talking. He finished talking and waiting for your answer expectantly.

            You just turned around silently, not.

            He said nothing put you could hear him sigh.

            He left without saying a word. And you went to bed feeling slightly feverish.

I hope you enjoyed it! Yay.

Don't ever smoke guys! I don't think I'll ever say this again, but take Woozi's advice on this one. 

Anywayyy.... thanks for reading. I love my readers so much :)

D. R. R.