I’m running down as fast as I can out of the room after extra class with Mr Yunho and Hayi.

I tap my foot impatiently as the elevator pauses yet again at another floor. Munhee’s not going to like my tardiness.

“Heading somewhere?” Lee Hayi asks with her melodic voice.

“Yeah, I’m going to watch a music show,” I reply happily.

“iKon’s?”

I curse myself because now I’m stuck to admitting that I’m attending a rival’s company performance. Trying to avoid to answer, I chuckle. Luckily my phone rang and I swiftly pick it up as an excuse to avoid answering her question.

“Munhee ya.”

“You’re late!”

“I’m – I’m on my way.” The elevator door finally opens at the ground floor and I take off without much thought. Raina appears out of the blue with a bunch of files in her arms and I managed to barely dodge her, falling on the floor with the contents of my bag slipping out.

“Crap!” I crawl towards the items to pick it up.

Someone passes me some stuff I dropped and I accept it gratefully.

“Thanks!” I look up to see Hanbin staring back at me. “Oh…hey.”

He bends over to pick folded mirror but drops it when he hears someone laughing loudly when walking into the entrance.

“Hey!” I exclaim angrily, seeing my mirror clatter dangerously on the floor. Hanbin shuffles away, leaving me baffled.

“What’s up with that kid…” I mutter, picking up the mirror and checking that it didn’t break.

When I stand back up, I can see Bobby staring at me from the entrance with a blank face. After a moment, he walks towards me and merely brushes past me without a word.

Great. I can live with that.

***

“Pass me my earrings please!”

I pick up a pair of ‘7’ earrings lying on top of Munhee’s dressing table.

“Did you buy this recently?” I chuckle. Munhee is as corny as she was before.

She winks at me with her newly applied false lashes on. “Of course, I’m fully prepared for this event.”

We’re getting ready to attend Got7’s music show. I didn’t bother to dress up but Munhee’s made a lot of effort into looking good.

She has put on full makeup and even wears a black wig. It’s a bob hairstyle, falling shy above her shoulders. It looks gorgeous on her and she seems more alive beneath all the makeup.

“Come on, let me dress you up,” Munhee begs, going through her wardrobe to look for a dress.

“Noo, Munhee, noo,” I shake my head vigorously when she shoves a short dress in front of me. “This is way too y.”

“What’s wrong with y?” she asks, incredulous. “y is good.” She squints her eyes while she holds the dress in front of me. “Jackson will love this.”

“Stop that.” I push her hands away, embarrassed.

Munhee smiles to herself and goes back into the closet, searching for a better outfit.

I stare at my reflection in the mirror, feeling underwhelmed by my own appearance.

Is there a chance that I might be able to get Jackson’s attention by dressing prettier? Is it worth the effort?

Do I…want his attention?

My phone vibrates loudly from inside my bag.

“Hello,” I greet the unexpected caller.

“Youngmi? Where are you?” Hanna asks with a concerned voice.

“I’m with Munhee right now.”

“At the hospital?”

“What’s wrong?” I ask, glancing at Munhee who is watching me from the closet. I give her a smile and walk out of the room for more privacy. “Hanna, is everything okay?”

The line goes quiet for a moment but I hear her heavily breathing on the other line.

“Hanna??” I call out her name, suddenly fearful.

“My stomach. It’s really painful,” she finally admits with a strained voice.

“Where are you? I’ll be there as soon as possible.”

***

Guilt overcomes me on the way to YG’s training building.

It’s Munhee’s first time out of the hospital and she had counted the hours till the performance. For a moment, I considered to stay with Munhee but then sense kicked me awake. Someone could accompany Munhee. No one will be able to take my place beside Hanna though because I’m the only one who knows about the baby.

After trouble tracking my friends’ old numbers, we managed to invite Min to take my place to attend the music show with Munhee. Luckily for her, her birthday is coming up and she was ecstatic about the idea of celebrating her birthday with a GOT7 performance.

Munhee doesn’t hide the disappointed look on her face but she understands my actions.

“Don’t worry about me,” Munhee said when I hesitated from entering the taxi.

“We’ll do this another time, I promise,” I tell her, wrapping my pinky finger forcefully around hers. “You promise?”

“Just go,” she says, pushing me into the vehicle. Her eyes filled with tears. “Don’t worry about me.”

The taxi comes to a stop and I hop off after paying for the fare.

“Excuse me, sir,” I say after a second thought. “Will you be able to wait for me for a few minutes?”

“Sure, no problem.”

I stand in front of the building. Some trainees walk out, chatting amongst themselves wearing school uniforms.

I can see why Hanna feels out of place sometimes when the trainees appear to only get younger every year while the older ones seem to age with a vague hope of debuting. I can’t imagine the pain.

My heart stops me from pitying the trainees though.

I’m suffering too.

My future is uncertain too.

Automatically, I walk towards the toilet and I see Hanna clutching her tummy while breathing heavily against the wall.

I touch her arm and she flinches.

“It’s me.” I put her arm over my shoulders. “Let’s head to the hospital.”

“No…”

“We have to, Hanna!” I say, upset. “Don’t be stubborn.”

“No.” She takes a deep breath and stands up straight, fixing her unkempt shirt. “I need to walk on my own. There’s cameras all over the place. I need to pretend to be fine.”

With all the energy she can muster, she strides out of the training centre without any hint of pain showing through.

Thoughts started swirling in my head.

How often does she pretend?

How much pain does she hide?

“There – in that taxi,” I point out to her once we’re outside. I slide in beside her. “Please send us to the hospital.”

***

We’re both sitting in the bright hospital corridor. My heart is beating hard against my chest as I formulate ways to talk to her. Should I be nice? Should I just be outright mad?

“You’re physically straining yourself,” I say, frowning. “It’s dangerous for the baby, Hanna. The doctor said you’re overdoing the physical activities. You know what it means, right? Stop dancing for a while.”

Even as I say it out loud, I know how difficult it would be for Hanna to stop dancing.

She’s training full time to be an idol, for goodness sake. If she stops practising, what does that make her? Something is obviously wrong. There’s no way she could pretend.

There’s that one solution in the back of our minds and nobody wants to say it.

Hanna covers her face with her hands. Her shoulders slump, burdened.

“Can’t you take a few days off, at least?” I ask gently, running my hand from the top of her head to the ends of her hair. “The baby needs it.”

“I don’t know,” she says with a voice muffled by her hands. “I don’t know…”

She sounds so lost as if the world has taken away her hope.

I give her a big hug but she remains in her position.

“It’s okay,” I reassure her calmly. “It’ll be okay. I’ll help you. I’m here for you.”

“I don’t know…” Her body starts quivering weakly.

“I really don’t know…”

I tighten my arms around her. Me neither, Hanna. Me neither.

***

“We just need a few days off, that’s all.”

I sit across Mr. Hyuk way early the next morning after going to the hospital.

I’ve thought about ways to get Hanna off from training for a couple of days. For her sake. For the baby’s sake. For my own sake.

The only method I came up was pleading with my life on the line. So here I am, tentatively on the verge of begging.

“I can’t just give off days to trainees,” Mr. Hyuk says seriously while massaging his temples. He’s stressed out by my presence itself. That’s a good sign. I might be able to push him in the right direction. “We have many trainees wanting time to rest. Your sister isn’t the only one.”

“It’s a wonder how they’re surviving,” I mutter in an undertone.

Mr. Hyuk gives me a sharp look. “All trainees go through this.”

“No wonder they’re not right in the head as celebrities. Have you seen all the celebrities nowadays? They go in a downwards spiral.” I have to force myself to think of Hanna before changing my tone back to a kinder one. “I’m sorry. I just want Hanna to rest for a few days.”

“I can’t give it to you without a valid reason,” he says firmly.

What reason can be considered valid?

What can let us off the hook?

“My parents,” I blurt out. “We decided to…” I can’t bring myself to say it. Actually, we didn’t decide anything. I want to get him to sympathize by giving my parents as an excuse but even as a lie, it’s hard to mention my parents. “We – we plan to – to…” I start stuttering, becoming weaker at the thought of them.

Mr. Hyuk clenches his jaws, tense at this declaration.

“It’s about time you meet them,” he agrees, nodding.

He opens a drawer and takes out a bundle of letters.

“I’ve tried giving this to Hanna but she won’t accept it.” He pushes the bundle to me. “These are letters they wrote to you both in prison.”

“You…You…” I blink hard. “How’d you get this?”

“I’m your legal guardian,” he simply states. “I visit them from time to time to get these letters.”

My parents…They thought of us while we live our life, trying to forget their existence.

“I don’t want it either,” I refuse, shaking my head. It’s too painful.

I still blame them for this messed up life I’m living.

“Just take it, in case you change your mind,” he says and I see a flash of sadness in his eyes. “I’ll give the resting time Hanna needs. Just take this.”

Reluctantly, I put the bundle in my bag and it feels heavier for me to carry emotionally.

It was easy to pretend they weren’t around with no trace of them around me, but these letters prove that they’re out there…

Feelings from the first night of seeing them being brought to the station flashes in my head and I become overwhelmed.

“Take the week off and meet your parents,” Mr. Hyuk advises before I close the door behind me.

***

It’s dark when I arrive at YG building, but I don’t enter.

I stay next to a street next to the building, leaning against the wall helplessly.

I’m mentally pushing memories of my parents out of my mind because it hurts me more than necessary.

“Stop,” I murmur as I start hiccupping from my tears. “Stop!”

I grab the bundle of letters from my bag and throw it onto the road.

The envelopes fly about, spread across the small street.

“Stop!!” I scream as the memories continue flooding in. Their love. Their warmth. How safe I felt in their arms. How I’ll never get it again.

“Youngmi?” Rushed footsteps head towards me. “Youngmi, are you okay?” Hanbin takes hold of my shoulders and force me to face him.

“Why are you crying again?” he asks wearily before pulling me in a hug when I fight against his grip. “Don’t worry. Don’t worry. I’m here now.”

“You’ll leave me,” I say with a subdued voice as he pushes my face against his warm chest. “Like my parents.”

When he loosens his grip, I push away but he keeps his fingers locked around my wrist.

“I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.”

“You can’t what?” he asks, confused.

“I shouldn’t depend on anyone else. It’s taken me months to be this independent. I can’t fall back to where I was before. If life takes you away, I’ll be too weak. Like when my parents…” I falter, looking away to avoid his gaze. “I can’t be weak. I must not depend on other people.”

“This –” he points out my state right now, “- isn’t weakness.”

“It’s just life grinding you into bits,” he reassures me before wrapping me in his coat when he sees me shivering. “You’re strong. As long as you’re alive and well, you’re winning.”

I look down on the pavement, ashamed of myself. My hair falls across my face, hiding it.

He pushes strands of my hair behind my ear and lifts my chin up with his finger.

“Youngmi.”

I swallow my saliva nervously.

He gazes at me deeply.

The way the stars blink tonight and the soft light shining from the streetlight gives off an ethereal feeling to the moment.

Hanbin leans forward, pauses slightly, and then kisses my forehead.

My heart beats so fast that I needed to catch my breath.

“Do you trust me?” He opens his arms widely as if inviting me in.

Without thinking, I walk forward into his arms and let myself be enveloped by his warmth.

I do. 

I know I shouldn't, but I do.