I didn’t catch a wink of sleep at all last night. How could I have?

It’s probably unwise of me to skip school in order to my imprudent sister to the hospital right after getting the talk from Mr. Yunho. There’s no other way around it though.

As much as I want to let her deal with this alone, I have been through enough to know that living your life as a solo woman is not as easy as it seems. Not to mention, now that she’s pregnant, she is technically carrying my niece in her womb.

She can be an irresponsible mother but I refuse to be an irresponsible auntie.

“Get up!” I physically drag Hanna out of her bed. “Why are you still in bed?!”

She crawls out from under the covers. Her face pokes out and it is swollen all over. Her red, puffy eyes glance up at me blankly.

“I didn’t think you’d come,” she mutters, breathless as she takes in the sight of me standing in her room. From the way she’s staring at me, people might think an angel has flew down to Earth to guide her. “Youngmi…”

“Just get ready, will you?” I throw a towel to her. “Get changed.”

While she’s taking her sweet time in the shower, I take the chance to grab leftover clothes I placed in her wardrobe. She shares her room with other trainees but they’re probably busy dancing in some basement YG prepared for them. I scour through the mess inside the wardrobe and find a box labelled ‘Jang Hanna’.

I remember that she puts my items in boxes while her other clothes are put on hangers.

Snapping the lid open, the first thing the box reveals to me is an unused pregnancy test.

Isn’t it crazy careless of Hanna to leave this on top of the pile in her box?

Carefully handling it in my fingers, I examine it closely. So this is how a pregnancy test looks like. Why didn’t she use it to check? It is way easier compared to going to the doctor. I stash it into my bag in case anything happens with Hanna later. It’s best to be prepared for emergencies when you are with her.

She comes in, drying her damp hair with a towel.

Hastily, I push the box back into her closet. She doesn’t notice and asks, “Are you skipping school today for me?”

“Yeah, well, I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t, right?” I point out the obvious.

She shakes her head with a disappointed expression. “You really don’t have to be so mean.”

Her tone sounds even more sad than usual. I feel a tinge of guilt and apologize.

“Let’s go,” she says, somber.

Walking behind her down the stairs, I can’t help thinking of who is the possible father. My jaw clenches whenever I think about Hanbin or any of the iKon members.

Is it possible for her to be in that kind of relationship with one of them?

For an unknown reason, my eyes become teary. Do I really want to know if that’s the case?

I don’t even know why it matters.

We ride the bus quietly. She mentions the passing buildings and places she’s familiar with on a daily basis, but other than that, we remain silent. I can’t say that it’s awful.

We’re ignoring the things that matter. Who is the father? Is she pregnant? What does she plan to do if she is? Let’s pretend the elephant in the room doesn’t exist for now.

Getting off the bus is harder than I thought.

Hanna keeps coming up with excuses such as,

“Oh, my feet hurt.”

“I’m getting a migraine.”

“It’s about to rain. Maybe another day?”

It takes a lot of persuading and many missed bus stops before she finally admits that she can’t face the reality.

“I can’t do it,” she says, pleading me to let go of her arm. “Youngmi, I can’t.”

“Everyone can – you just don’t want to,” I point out bluntly, stubbornly keeping my grip on her arm.

“I’m not as strong as you.” I know that’s a compliment but what does she even mean by that? Does she think I decide to face my hardships because I’m strong?

WRONG!

I have to face them because I need to keep living.

“Hanna, you’re also not as smart as me,” I comment with a smirk. “But I’m here now.”

“But what if…” she trails off without finishing.

I pull her to sit next to me on the bench. She’s obviously fighting some kind of battle inside of her. It’d be great if I could get an insight on what the battle is about.

“If what?” I ask, moving my grip from her arm to her hand. We intertwine our fingers together. “If what, Hanna?”

She holds my hand tighter.

“What if I’m pregnant?” She barely chokes out the last word. “What will I do?”

“We’ll take it one step at a time,” I assure her. “Together.”

----

I’ve been running around this park for eight laps now.

A hundred more to go!

Sweat is dripping, the sun is blaring down on me and I’m utterly exhausted, but I push on. I keep running. When the clock turns to 5pm, I run to the YG building.

I stop short right at the corner where I lay when I had my fever and slide down to the pavement, panting wildly. I don’t think I’ve ever exercised as much as I did today in my whole lifetime.

I close my eyes merely for a moment before a honking sound can be heard across the street.

“You alright there?” a squinty eyed fellow says, approaching me with swag after exiting the van.

“Oh no,” I complain under my breath. “Bobby…?”

He lifts me up from the ground by force. I almost tumble forwards but he catches me in the least graceful way while giving me a playful smile.

“Are you sick again?” He places his palm on my forehead. “No, you’re fine. What are you doing here?”

“I’m just taking a rest,” I reply between breaths. I’m still heavily panting from all the sprinting.

“Do you want to come home with me?” he offers, placing his hand out as an invitation for me to accept.

“Er, no,” I refuse, giving him a strange look. Honestly, I find myself giving him strange looks every time I meet him.

“I didn’t mean it that way,” he corrects himself when he realizes how suggestive his earlier offer was. “Of course…if you think…”

“Just stop, Bobby.” I cover his mouth with my hand. He has to stop. All I can think of as he goes on is Jang Hanna.

And her positive pregnant test result.

The impulse to run appears again and my heartbeat rises in anticipation.

“I gotta go,” I tell him, jogging in place. “Catch you later.”

As I’m about to jog away, Hanbin appears behind Bobby out of nowhere.

“Hey, Youngmi,” he greets happily but I can only look away tensely.

Jang Hanna’s fling.

Anxiety overcomes me as my earlier thoughts invade my mind.

My niece’s father.

Stop it! Stop it!! There’s no proof! Hanna told me nothing about who the possible father is.

Bobby tries grabbing my backpack when I leave and ends up ping it.

Items fall out, making a mess on the pavement.

“Bobby!” I yell, frustrated.

“Oh damn, sorry, sorry,” he mutters as he bends down to pick up my stuff. Hanbin helps him out without a second thought. He shoves it directly into the open bag.

Bobby doesn’t stand a chance. Hanbin manages to grab all the items that Bobby drop. Bobby is only left with small items which he lamely passes to Hanbin.

“Oh,” Hanbin says, grabbing a white stick from the inside of my bag. “Why do you have a thermometer in here?”

I almost shriek in shock when I look at what he refers to as a ‘thermometer’.

It’s Jang Hanna’s unused pregnancy test!

Without delay, I swipe it out of his fingers and put it deep into the bottom of my bag.

“Do you still have a fever?” he asks, unaware of what he just touched isn’t a thermometer.

“Um.” My mind is going haywire. I catch Bobby’s unreadable expression behind Hanbin. He clearly saw the exchange. I pray to God that he thinks it’s a thermometer too. “Yeah, just in case. I need to go.”

I take off in a speed of light without a glance back.

----

Jackson’s head is bobbing up and down as he helps me stock up the refrigerator across the room.

Lately, we’re running out of things to say. Not because there’s nothing to tell but because we just have so many things to hide from each other.

I’m still waiting for the day he tells me honestly about himself.

Not to say that he’s lying about anything, he merely chooses not to reveal certain information. Key information.

I’m not mad about it though. I just want him to do the deed first. I don’t want to force his hand. Then, in return, I could tell him my grim story and we could become closer than best friends.

I can never stop dreaming of that day.

I imagine how sweet it will be with everything out in the open.

It’s all that is left between us…

But Jackson isn’t making the move to tell the truth. Why? WHY?!

He’s the first person who has made me feel comfortable since quite a while. He’s made my life a whole lot better and he has taken care of me when I needed it.

I feel a glow within me as I watch him work hard doing my job.

I don’t know why he keeps coming back here even though I am not exactly a fun girl to be with, but I know one thing: I would consider dating him because that is how much I like him.

I like having him around.

I like it when he looks at me and smiles as if I’m precious.

I don’t know what he feels about me…

I realize my growing feelings ever since he started going overseas. I would miss him dearly. His presence gives me life.

He catches me staring and gives me a wholehearted smile before making his way to me.

“You couldn’t resist this goodlooking guy, could you?” he asks, leaning playfully over the counter. “Goodlooking and muscular.” He flexes his biceps proudly.

I laugh, waving off his silly show off antics.

Cold wind blows against us, indicating the opening of the entrance.

Jackson stands up straight to bow at the incoming customer and I’m about to give the customer a smile but it is wiped off my face when I set my eyes on the customer - Bobby.

Jackson, suddenly in a rush, puts on his snapback and goes back over to his place across the room to continue his work.

Bobby, meanwhile, browses through the crisps section and comes back with a small bag of chips.

He doesn’t let his eyes stray away from me. They’re completely locked in on their target – me.

“Three fifty,” I tell him, putting his chips into a plastic bag.

“Wait a second,” he says, walking to a certain aisle. He comes back with a grave face and doesn’t look at me before saying solemnly, “I knew that wasn’t a thermometer.”

He throws a pregnancy test onto the counter. Finally, he gazes into my eyes questioningly.

I gulp nervously.

I’m not the one who is pregnant, so why should I feel guilty?

“Look, it wasn’t mine.” I push his bought items towards him. “Three fifty please.”

Bobby rolls his eyes. “Do you think I’m that stupid?” he spits, furious.

“It was someone else’s!” I yell, infuriated. Jackson turns around to look and I immediately give him a reassuring smile. “It’s not mine,” I repeat to Bobby with a fake smile plastered across my face.

He clenches his jaws. Since his jawbone is really obvious, this makes him look more aggressive.

“It really isn’t mine,” I insist with a pleading tone.

He glances down at my tummy as if to check for a baby bump.

“I’m not pregnant,” I tell him, earnest.

He bites his lips, unsure of whether to believe me or not.

Honestly, why does it matter if I am? It doesn’t affect his life anyway.

He flips over his receipt and writes something on it. He slips the paper into my hands and reluctantly says, “Call me if you have any problems, okay?”

“Bobby, I’m seriously not—”

“Hey hottie, just call me if you need help, okay?” he cuts me off sternly. Does he even know my name?

“Okay. Yeah. Sure.” I pocket his number. I’ll do whatever to get rid of him for now.

Not even for a second does he look like he believes me. Now what am I going to do?

If he thinks I’m pregnant, things could only spiral downwards from here.

The moment Bobby leaves, Jackson strides over.

“What did he want?” he asks, concerned. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeap,” I reply shortly.

“What is he even doing here?” he continues to mutter. “Do they live close by?”

I glance at Jackson when I recognize how odd his questions are. 'They'? He knows Bobby is from a group, doesn't he?

“Do you, by any chance, know him?” I peer at him carefully.

He snaps out of his reverie.

“Noo, no, I don’t,” he denies, but he completely overreacts in his response. Is it possible he knows Bobby? Idols must come across each other. Bobby hasn’t officially debuted yet though. “Na ah.” He shakes his head vigorously. “Do…you?” This time, he keeps his eyes on me.

I should take this opportunity to be more honest with him.

“No,” I find myself lying despite myself.

Adding another lie to a pile of crap we’ve compiled. I sigh, disappointed by myself. I really, really like Jackson. Is a relationship even feasible when there’s so many hidden truths?

“Oh.” He fixes his hair. “He talked a little longer than necessary just now.”

“He was…flirting.” Bobby is always flirting anyway. It's a completely realistic lie. 

Jackson appears alarmed. “Flirt – flirting?” He abruptly coughs. “He isn’t your type of guy, is he?”

Okay. I did not expect this reaction from him.

I grab this chance to bring up the biggest problem I have with him. “I like honest guys.”

Jackson is taken aback but brushes it off as coolly as possible.

“I see…”

As he turns around, I can hear him mumbling quietly, “I can be pretty honest too…”

I smile in satisfaction.

Maybe…just maybe…he might reciprocate my feelings too…

But there’s too many walls between us for now.