July 13, 2337

It rained and while everyone was paying their respects to him all I could think was how much he would have hated to be buried in this kind of weather.  He would have wanted it to be sunny, as if it were going to be a cheerful day because that's the kind of person he was.  He drove me crazy all the time but he was the kind of man that always made people smile.  Now I'm left to mourn him and protect all the memories I have of him.  I mourn because he deserved better and I mourn because the chance of a better life was ripped from him just when the opportunity had opened up for one.

I mourn because in my own way I loved Byun Baekhyun.

And now he's just gone.

The last time we saw each other we'd argued.  I hope wherever he is now, he sees my tears and knows my pain so that he may know that I truly cared for him.  I never had many friends and I still don't but Baekhyun had been one of the first ones.  He was important to me in ways that no one would be able to understand, not even Chanyeol.  Even I didn't fully understand how I felt until I was standing in front of his grave today.  My job over a week ago was meant to give him hope that he wasn't going to die, that the AHA wasn't going to win.  I accomplished that.  I helped us win but even that couldn't save his soul.  I couldn't save him and because of that it feels like I can't save anyone.

I remember when Chanyeol had brought him around when we were cadets and the two of them would play video games and talk about how they were going to take down the Resistance and become heroes.  Baekhyun was the one that would try to include me in as much conversation as possible because even though Chanyeol and I were close, he was at a stage in which he saw me as an annoying little sister.  He'd always give Baekhyun hell for talking to me like I was a part of their duo.  He was always around for about a year and I couldn't even count the amount of times he'd beat my score in that one racing game that was our favorite to play or how many times he'd carried me to bed when I fell asleep on the sofa.

Things had changed when the reality of life hit us.  Baekhyun was older than us and once he graduated he outranked us and suddenly that meant we couldn't be friends.  It felt like we didn't even know him anymore but by then I was okay with it because I realized I didn't need friends.  People like Baekhyun were a distraction.

Baekhyun wasn't a distraction though.  He was beautiful, kind and he deserves to be remembered.  He's the one that made me start this damn journal so that I could vent out my emotions and write down everything that's happened to me.  Baekhyun understood that it was important to preserve memories so even though it hurts I'll continue this journal to honor his memory.

I can't stop crying.  Neither can Chanyeol.  He's taking it the worst.  He's the one that watched his best friend die and was unable to do anything to save him.

What's worse is that Jongdae is still out there.  I'm afraid that more bad news is coming, that I'll have to mourn more people that didn't deserve to die.

July 14, 2337

The bombs last week did more than kill Baekhyun.  The AHA had planted them all throughout the city at known Resistance safehouses and the military center, killing hundreds of us all in one go.  People that I knew are dead and I'll never see them again but then again I'm luckier than most.  I'm alive and the majority of the people I care about are alive and I couldn't be more grateful for that.  I'm not sure that being alive is enough though, especially since Chanyeol has it rough.

He was injured in the attack and because of that he'll be paralyzed from the waist down for the rest of his life.  He's become someone that I don't recognize, a person so bitter and full of hatred and I can see it's slowly consuming him.  He used to be fun and carefree but now that he can't even go to the bathroom without help, I haven't seen him smile once.  Mrs. Park and I help him with everything and so do Kyungsoo or Soojung when either of them come by to visit him since he can't work anymore, but I know that he doesn't like it.  He'll crack morbid jokes that leave a hollow feeling in my chest and I sometimes leave him alone wondering if he'll harm himself.  I can only hope that time will heal all of his wounds just like I hope that it will heal me.  I just want to be strong for him but I don't know if that's enough.

Kyungsoo says I should punch him and tell him that life is still beautiful even if he has to look at sitting on a wheelchair.  I told Kyungsoo he needs to work on his people skills.  Soojung suggested that I find him a nice girlfriend and then when I pointed out she was the only female I was friends with, she shut up real fast.  I wouldn't want to force her away from Jongin because according to Kyungsoo's reports things are getting serious between them.

Ever since the bombs went off everything has been serious.  It's as if all of u