Tao wants to go back to sleep.   But he can't. It's almost six and he has to get up for school.    Nowadays, school seemed less and less important, but Tao knew that he needed something to focus on. If he didn't have school, he'd start thinking and if he started thinking, he would never stop.   It had been about two weeks now since Chen had been diagnosed with Small Cell Lung Cancer (SCLC for short); a fast growing rare and aggressive cancer that he'd gotten passed down to him through his father and grandfather.   Chen had been diagnosed with stage III.   The doctors had insisted that while he wasn't exactly in the best position, they were optimistic about being able to cure him and had decided to start with three rounds of intense chemotherapy.   Chen had started last week.   He told Tao that this was the worst pain he'd ever been in.   More often that not, he was either throwing up or dealing with migraines and generally felt like he was dying.   Xiumin spent every day with him, usually doing homework and keeping Chen happy as best he could.   Tao knew by the way that Xiumin talked when he was at home that Chen wasn't very optimistic.   Tao couldn't bear to think of that.    If Chen died-   Tao cuts off the thought before it can start.   No. That wasn't going to happen.   It couldn't.   Kris is already gone, probably at dance practice. It seemed like he was always there, never around when Tao needed him.   But Tao understood of course. Kris's career was important to him.    Not like he was going to be a dancer or anything. He was majoring in business, poised to take over his father's law firm as CEO when he graduated.   Whether that was what Kris wanted or not didn't seem to matter very much to anyone.   He had a destiny and a purpose to serve and Tao knew that if he ever got in the way of that purpose, things wouldn't end well.   But already, Kris barely talked about his plans after college except when they included getting an apartment with Tao, moving anywhere he wanted.   Perhaps, Tao was already getting in the way.   Besides Chen, the rest of them seemed to be fine.   Kai had gotten his cast changed which meant he didn't need crutches anymore, a prospect Sehun wasn't very happy about since that meant he'd have to his boyfriend everywhere.   Chanyeol and Baekhyun had gone on a official date, out to dinner at this overpriced place that Baekhyun loved. Maybe things with them would work out after all.   Luhan was still dismally single, Kyungsoo studiously ignoring all of his advances.   Suho hadn't seen Taeyang again and ever since Chen had been diagnosed, he seemed more reserved, more serious.   It hurt Xiumin the most.   Some nights he would come home in tears, telling Tao that he couldn't take it anymore, that he couldn't bear seeing Chen in so much pain.    Last night had probably been the worst.   Xiumin hadn't been able to stop crying, explaining breathlessly to Tao and the others that because of the drugs, Chen was losing his hair.   So, Tao had volunteered to take care of Chen today. Instead of having lunch and finishing the rest of the day, he'd drive to the hospital and spend the afternoon with Chen.   This was the first time he'd done it and he wasn't exactly looking forward to this afternoon.   It would be awful, to see Chen in that much pain, without his signature curly hair.    Tao knew he'd lost a lot of weight too, that he barely ate anymore because it would just end up making him sick.   Suho seemed determined at every opportunity to tell them that Chen would be fine, but Tao knew it was just because he couldn't bear to lose someone else.    Between Lay and Chen, Tao knew Lay had gotten the better end of the deal. Lay didn't have to suffer like Chen did. Suho hadn't had to watch as Lay got sicker and sicker.   Not like Chen was going to die. Tao couldn't afford to think that way, none of them could.   Tao finally accepts that he has to get up, tossing back the blankets covering him with a groan as the cold air hits his bare skin.   Tao grabs Kris's jacket as he's getting dressed and nearly smiles. But he doesn't. Smiling doesn't come easily these days.    It's like a weight has settled on Tao's shoulders, a deep darkness that he's been avoiding ever since Lay died.   With Chen being sick and everything else that was going on, Tao often asked himself, how much would be enough...?   When was the point that he'd just give up...?   It seemed like ever since he'd moved to Korea, things had just gone downhill, from bad to worse.    It had all started when Lay had died. From losing him to fighting with Baekhyun to Kris seeking to move farther and farther out of reach.   Now, Chen was sick and things weren't exactly looking good.   But Tao knew that no matter what happened, he had to keep going because he still had Kris and he had Baekhyun and he had things to live for.   It would all be okay.    Maybe someday, Tao would look back on this and feel stronger for having gone through it.   But, after all, there wouldn't be that much to look back on.   Tao pulls himself out of his thoughts and finishes getting dressed, hunting around the room for his other shoe on his way downstairs.   It's quiet like it always is now, a somber grey tone seeming to have taken over their house.   For a moment, Tao remembers how different it had been back then, that first Christmas when Lay had still been alive.   Then, it had all been so simple, their problems so trivial.    Tao doesn't say a word as he sits down next to Xiumin, simply reaching over to squeeze his hand as he pours himself a cup of tea.   Again, it's quiet despite all of them being there.   Well, all of them minus Chen, Kris, and of course, Lay.   Tao is about halfway through his cup of tea when Xiumin speaks, his voice wavering,   'I....I talked to Chen this morning....'   Tao watches as the other boys turn their heads in Xiumin's direction, Tao arching an eyebrow at him in question,   'He said he's not feeling totally horrible today....that he'd like it if all of us visited tonight....'   There's a pause as everyone seems to be mentally checking their schedules, Baekhyun's soft voice the first one to break the silence,   'Of course, Xiumin. Chan and I will be there....'   Chanyeol nods in agreement, patting Baekhyun on the shoulder gently.   The others soon agree as well and Tao glances down, somehow not feeling much like eating anymore.   He gets to his feet, leaning over to press a soft kiss to Xiumin's cheek,   "I gotta go....call me if you need anything, okay?"    Xiumin nods but doesn't meet Tao's eyes, his hand shaking slightly as he reaches out to grab Tao's wrist,   'Tao......I need you to promise me something......and it's a promise I need you to keep......no matter what....'   Tao pauses for a moment, not pulling away as he nods, his voice soft,   "Of course, Xiumin. Anything."   When Xiumin speaks, his voice is low, Tao feeling a slight stab of sadness at the vulnerability in it,   'Promise that you'll never leave me....not ever......'   Tao doesn't reply at first, wanting to promise but feeling bad at making a promise he might not be able to keep.   When he finally does speak, his voice is even, forcing himself to be strong for Xiumin,   "Never. I promise."   Xiumin bites his lip and nods, releasing Tao and curling his hands in his lap, his ring catching Tao's eye.   This is perhaps the first time it's occurred to Tao that maybe Chen and Xiumin were never getting married.    He'd have a lot to talk to Chen about.   Tao pauses for a moment, grabbing his backpack and waving,   "I guess I'll see al of you at the hospital tonight...."   As he finishes speaking, Baekhyun untangles himself from Chanyeol, flashing a smile at Tao,   'I have go too....walk together..?'   Tao nods, a small smile curving his lips at the prospect of spending some time with his best friend and someone he loved more than most others.   Baekhyun pulls on his shoes and grabs a random coat off the rack before following Tao outside.    It's quiet and cold and it definitely feels better to be walking beside Baekhyun.   But something seems wrong, Tao can see it on his face, as if he wants to say something but can't.   Tao resigns himself to silence, shoving his hands deeper into his pockets and casting his gaze towards the slate grey sidewalk as Baekhyun's voice reaches his ears,   'Chanyeol and I had .....'   Tao nearly stops walking, trying to keep from looking too surprised.    A while ago, talking about with Baekhyun wouldn't have been uncomfortable or awkward.   But somehow, imagining Chanyeol on top of his best friend just made him jealous. It should've been him.   But Baekhyun is happy and it isn't any of Tao's business.   He clears his throat, glancing over at Baekhyun,   "Oh....."   It feels like he should say more, but the words just aren't forming.   Baekhyun doesn't seem to mind though, continuing before Tao can complete his thought,   'I mean, it was just once the other night, but....I feel kind of bad.....it was good of course, but I was kind of using him.....'   Tao doesn't reply, not wanting to admit just how alike him and Baekhyun are.   Sometimes you love someone because they're everything you're not and sometimes you love them because they're exactly like you.   In this case, Baekhyun reminded Tao so much of himself that he couldn't help but want to protect him.   Tao pauses for a moment, unsure exactly what to say,   "Baek....I don't think I'm exactly the person to talk to about you ing Chanyeol..."   Tao his lips, trying to think of a way to say this without being too harsh,   "I mean, Chanyeol is a big boy, he knows what he's getting into with you....now, I have to go so I'll talk to you tonight, okay?"   Tao doesn't give Baekhyun a chance to reply, sprinting off in the direction of the psychology building, desperate to leave all the awkward behind him.   He probably shouldn't have blown Baekhyun off like that, but honestly, the last thing he wanted right now was to talk about Baekhyun and Chanyeol.   Of course he was happy for his friend, but it was more complicated than that.   Chanyeol wasn't a bad guy and Tao liked him pretty well. But, to Tao, no one would ever be good enough for Baekhyun.   Well, no one except him anyways.   Tao pushes the thought away as soon as he thinks it, shoving open the door to the psychology department and trying to let the warm heater air relax him.   It doesn't really work.   He's still shaking when he takes his seat, running his hand through his hair a few times.   Tao is about to get out his book when he feels his phone buzz in his pocket.   He makes a face, pulling it out and reading the text bannered across the screen,   'Kris-ge: hey, sorry I wasn't there this morning. I love you and I'll talk to you tonight.'   Tao stuffs his phone back in his pocket without replying, Kris's kind words somehow seeming annoying now.    Everything seemed annoying now.    From the sound the teacher's pen made on the whiteboard to the fact that he would have to spend the entire afternoon patting Chen's back while he threw up.   Of course, it's not Chen's fault, but Tao was never good at dealing with people in pain.   Especially the ones he cared about.   In the short time they'd all known each other, each of them had become like family to Tao.    From Kai and Sehun moving in, Baekhyun and Chanyeol breaking up, losing Lay, and everything in between; they had suffered together and Tao knew that that suffering wasn't over.   It was never over.   Tao tries to pay attention in class, but everything seems to have faded to the background, like he's detached from what's happening around him.   He suddenly feels dizzy, like the room is spinning, his muscles aching in protest as he gets to his feet, his teacher dismissing the class.   The exhaustion was catching up with him and Tao's steps falter slightly as he throws out a hand against the wall, just holding still for a moment.   He feels his eyes burn, his throat tightening as he leans against the wall.   How has it gotten like this? How had they gone from being so happy to being in so much pain.    When would it be enough? When would it stop?   Tao suddenly feels as if everything is pressing down on him, his heart fluttering slightly as he struggles for air.   He could do this. He had to. He had to keep going, he had to be strong.   There was no other option.     Tao tries to stay awake the rest of his day at school, hardly noticing that he has three missed calls from Kris.   It wasn't important. He could talk to Kris later.   There was always later, wasn't there? Just put everything off because there'd always be tomorrow or next week or next month.   Because based on what had happened so far, everything was definitely going to stay the same.    Tao swallows past the lump in his throat, his fingers curling involuntarily around his pencil.    It was okay. He was going to be fine. They all were.   Tao had always wanted to have a best friend.   Growing up isolated from kids at school and with a difficult family, he'd never had much chance for socializing.   Moving to Korea felt like the bravest thing he'd ever done, so far away from his family, so far from anyone he knew.   But it hadn't stayed that way for long.   The moment Xiumin had opened the door and brought Tao into their lives, Tao had found a place where he wasn't alone anymore.   Xiumin was like a brother, Baekhyun was his best friend, Suho treated him like his son, and not to mention just how special Kris had become to him.   So maybe things weren't perfect, Tao knew they never had been. But maybe that was okay. Maybe someday, he'd look back on this and smile.   Maybe someday it wouldn't hurt to see Lay's picture on Suho's desk or to hear how gentle Xiumin's voice was when he talked about Chen.   After all, Kai had promised him, just the twelve of them. Forever.    Tao takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, bringing his hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose, trying to reconcile the past with what was happening now.   It was so dark and so sad and so lonely, but Tao had to remember that it hadn't always been this way, that someday, it wouldn't be like this anymore.   He just had be strong, had to keep going.   Someday, it would all be worth it.   The bell rings again and Tao gathers his things, pulling his phone out of his pocket and scrolling through his contacts before pressing 'call'.   He brings his phone to his ear and waits patiently as it rings, Baekhyun's light voice emanating from the speaker,   'Hello? Tao? Are you okay?'   Tao pauses at the question, swallowing slowly and lying to Baekhyun for the first time since they'd met,   "Of course I am.....I just wanted to apologize that I won't be there for lunch today...."   Tao can nearly hear Baekhyun smiling and feels his heart warm slightly,   'It's okay. I understand. Chen needs you....'   Tao doesn't speak for a moment, knowing there was something else he should be apologizing for,   "Baekhyun-ah.....I'm sorry about this morning too.....I shouldn't have blown you off like that...."   For a moment, there's only silence and Tao waits patiently, not daring to speak,   'Tao.....it's okay......I've given up on things ever being easy for