If Tao's dreaming then he never wants to wake up.    In the dream, he's standing near the edge of an ocean cliff wearing a suit, wind tousling his platinum blonde hair. He's looking out at the ocean, waves crashing against each other, thin white clouds scudding across the pale blue sky. But it's not just any cliff or any sea, it's Ireland.    Chen and Xiumin are getting married.    Tao turns his eyes back to where Chanyeol is standing, note cards in his hands, grinning at Xiumin and Chen who are standing in front of him, facing each other. They both look so happy.    Xiumin is nearly bouncing with excitement, Chen smiling affectionately at him as he brushes his hand against Xiumin's cheek softly, murmuring something to him.    It occurs to Tao that he should probably sit down as chairs seems to materialize out of nowhere, the other boys filling the white wooden seats. Tao sits in between Kris and Baekhyun, Kris pressing a kiss to his cheek, Baekhyun grinning at him.    Chanyeol clears his throat, his deep voice smooth and tinged with excitement,   'Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to bear witness to this joyous event; the joining of Kim Min-seok and Kim Jong-dae in holy matrimony.....'   Tao feels Kris lace their fingers and he realizes with dull shock that he's wearing a ring. It's simple, a slim gold band set with two rough cut diamonds. Somehow, it seems clear to him. Him and Kris are married. Of course they are.    Tao can hear Chanyeol talking but he doesn't register what he's saying as the sound of laughter reaches his ears and Tao feels his eyes burn.    Lay is sitting next to Suho, grinning as he leans over to press a gentle kiss to Suho's lips, their fingers twined. That's when Tao realizes he's dreaming.    If Lay was here and Suho was happy, then this couldn't be real. Lay is laughing again, his white suit shining in the light as he looks up at Tao. He looks so happy, his dark eyes sparkling just like they used to when he was alive.    Tao meets his gaze and the smile seems to slide off Lay's face, darkness curling at the edges of Tao's vision.    Without warning, his dream flashes to the middle of a street and Tao can see Lay's body, his neck twisted at an odd angle, his glazed eyes staring at the sky. It's horrible.    Tao can see blood pooling by his head, skin torn off his arms, his jacket ripped. It's so horrible but Tao can't seem to move, can't seem to unsee it. And even though he knows it's not real, it feels real.    Tao wants to turn away, to look anywhere but at Lay's face, but he's frozen. More images seem to flash by, each one more horrifying than the next as Tao is forced to watch as Lay gets hit, the sound it makes when he hits the pavement, forced to watch as he struggles for air before going still.    Tao's screaming when he wakes up, tears on his cheeks, his breathing sharp. He feels Kris pull him against his chest, his hair with one hand, his voice soft,   'Tao.....Tao.....baby, it's okay.....it's okay.....it was just a dream.....'   But Tao's crying hard now, curling his hands into Kris's shirt, his voice choked with sobs,   "Make it stop, Kris.....please.....I don't want to see it anymore...."   This isn't the first time Tao has had this dream and it won't be the last. It's always the same, all of them happy until Lay is dead. Kris pulls him closer, sighing softly,   'I'm so sorry, Tao......I'm so sorry......'   Tao knew it hurt him every time this happened because there was nothing he could do and there was nothing Tao could do. Not unless he wanted to take medication which wasn't really an option considering all the things he was allergic too.    Everyone else seemed to have moved on except for Tao. After all, it had been almost two months now. He should be on his way to feeling okay, not still fighting nightmares every time he fell asleep.    Tao's crying again, softer this time, his body exhausted from lack of restful sleep, shaking under Kris's grip. He leans closer slowly, brushing his lips across Kris's collarbone,   "You'll hold me until I fall asleep......won't you?"   He's still crying, feeling Kris nod as he pulls him closer, pressing a kiss to his temple,   'Always........'   Tao falls silent, biting his lip, trying to let the warmth of Kris's body wash away the dream. But he can't forget about it. The images are seared on his eyelids, always in the back of his mind. Tao shivers, feeling Kris tighten his grip, curling a hand into Tao's hair,   'Shhh....it's okay, Tao......I'm right here....'   Tao relaxes slightly, nuzzling Kris's collarbone as he pulls himself closer so that he can feel the dark haired boy's heartbeat against his, his voice low,   "What time is it?"   He feels Kris shift slightly, craning his neck to look at the clock,   'One in the morning....'   That's why it was so dark. Tao can barely see the outline of Kris's face, his golden eyes catching the moonlight, making them shine. He's so pretty. Tao lets his eyes fall closed, enjoying the feel of Kris petting his hair,   "I'm sorry I woke you up again....."   Kris laughs softly, pressing a kiss to the top of Tao's head,   'Are you kidding me? I love waking up at one in the morning....especially if it's to you....'   Tao sighs softly, curling as close to Kris's warmth as he can,   "I love you....."   Kris is silent for a minute, still Tao's hair, his chin resting on the top of his head,   'I love you too.....now get some rest before we have to leave.....'   Tao nearly groans as he remembers. The eleven of them were taking a trip to the beach this weekend, renting a house and spending both days on the sand and in the water.    Tao normally loved the beach, but he didn't feel much like going today. He just wanted to lie here in Kris's arms, feel the beat of his heart, the sounds of him breathing. Usually Kris falls asleep fairly easily but Tao can tell he's trying to keep himself awake until Tao is sleeping.    Tao can feel himself drifting off slowly, his eyelids becoming heavier, his breathing more steady as his grip on Kris's shirt relaxes. He's just about to fall asleep when Kris's voice surprises him, thick and slow, clearly falling asleep,   'You know.....I think I should just cuddle you every night so that when you fall asleep....so you won't dream.....'   Tao smiles, his eyes falling closed again, feeling more relaxed now that Kris was holding him,   "I think that would be a good idea....."   For the next hours, Tao doesn't fall asleep exactly. And if he does, he doesn't dream. He can hear Kris breathing softly, murmuring something indistinguishable every once in a while and curling a hand into Tao's hair.    He must be exhausted. Tao had woken him up every night for the past week and between school and dance practice, he didn't get much time to rest. Tao knew he was hurting Kris and that was probably the worst part of this. Kris was suffering because of him; because Tao couldn't sleep, Kris couldn't either.    It didn't matter how tired he was or how close to Kris he was, he always had nightmares.    Tao can see the beginnings of sunlight creeping in the window and turns his head to glance at the clock. Five thirty. They had to leave at seven, so there was no point going back to sleep now.    He turns back towards Kris, resting his chin in the hollow of the dark haired boy's collarbone with a soft sigh. Tao feels Kris stir, making an annoyed sound as he runs his hand down Tao's thigh, his touch soft as he presses a kiss behind Tao's ear, his voice thick and sleepy,   'You okay, Tao?'   Tao manages to nod, pulling himself closer to Kris's warmth,   "Thank you....."   Kris doesn't respond for a moment, his breathing deep. Tao wonders if he's fallen back asleep when he hears his voice, his breath warm against Tao's ear,   'Anytime......'   He must feel Tao shaking because he tightens his grip, running his fingers through his blonde hair,   'It's okay.....it's okay now.....I'm here.....I promise I'll take care of you, Tao......'   Tao doesn't want to cry again, but Kris is being so sweet and he just feels tired. Exhausted from not sleeping, exhausted from trying to keep it together when he clearly isn't okay.    Tao can feel his eyes burning as he looks up at Kris, his golden gaze making a bit of warmth spread through his chest,   "I don't know how to make it stop....."    Kris smiles sadly, curling his hand against Tao's cheek, his voice soft,   'I know.....it's okay, Tao......we'll work this out together......'   Work this out. This. These stupid dreams that his mind kept conjuring, torturing his subconscious until he woke up in tears. How was that anything Kris could help him with?    But Tao knew he loved Kris and that if he said things were going to be okay, things would be okay. Tao sighs softly, nodding as he leans into Kris's hand, enjoying the feel of his smooth skin,   "I love you, Kris......"   Kris just smiles, ruffling Tao's hair with one hand as he glances at the clock,   'We should probably get up now....'   Tao sighs softly, knowing he's right. Neither of them had packed much and Suho had been strict that they leave at seven.    Kris makes an annoyed sound, pressing a gentle kiss to Tao's temple before rolling over him and getting to his feet, running a hand through his hair as he flicks on the light on his desk.    Brightness floods the room and Tao groans, closing his eyes tightly as he rolls onto his back, throwing a hand over his face. He hears Kris laugh, poking his shoulder,   'Hey! No going back to sleep, you have to get up too....'   Tao drops his hand, widening his eyes, sticking out his bottom lip slightly, his voice smooth and sweet,    "But Kris-ge......please? Just a few more minutes....."   Kris sighs in defeat, shaking his head as he turns away,   'You know I can't say no to you, don't you?'   Tao laughs, letting his eyes fall closed, pulling the blankets up to his chin,   "Could you maybe start packing for me too?"   Kris groans, tilting his head back and glaring at Tao,    'Tao! Are you serious?'   Tao laughs, running a hand through his hair, not answering as he rolls over to face Kris, blowing a kiss to him. Kris rolls his eyes, but doesn't protest anymore.    Suddenly Tao notices how dark the shadows under his eyes are, not just from Tao waking him up either. Kris had recently tried out for Yonsei's dance team at Kai's suggestion and had actually made the varsity squad which meant competitions twice a month and practice every other night.    Tao knew it was taking a lot out of Kris, added to the fact that he hadn't gotten more than a few hours of sleep lately. Tao feels a stab of guilt as he gets to his feet, wrapping his arms around Kris's waist from behind, his voice soft,   "You, Wu Yi Fan, are far more than I deserve...."   Tao feels Kris sigh, leaning into Tao. And suddenly he doesn't feel strong at all; he feels tired and Tao notices he's lost weight, that he can feel the sharp contours of his ribs.    Tao is hurting him and he knows he is; taking away the small amount of time he was supposed to be able to rest. Suddenly Tao feels like crying. It's not as if these dreams are his fault, but he doesn't want to make Kris suffer like this.    He tightens his grip, his voice low and soft,   "Kris......I think you should stop sleeping with me......"   Tao feels his boyfriend tense, his voice sad, sounding just as exhausted as Tao knew he was,   'Tao, no. I won't do that. You need me....'   Tao can feel tears in his eyes but he ignores them even as the world starts to blur,   "I do need you....I need you to rest and I need you to feel better because I know I'm killing you Kris...."   He lets go for a moment, turning Kris around so that they're facing each other,   "Oh, baby.....look at you...."   Tao reaches up, brushing his thumbs along the dark shadows under Kris's eyes, biting his lip to keep from crying,   "You're so tired that we barely even speak anymore unless it's you comforting me in the middle of the night. I'm not sure how long it's been since we've done anything besides sleep next to each other....."   He curls his hands against Kris's cheeks, feeling a lone tear run from the corner of his eye,   "Kris....don't do this to yourself.....please.....go sleep in Baekhyun's room for a few weeks....I can't bear to see you like this..."   Kris looks conflicted and Tao can see how bad he wants to say yes, how much he wants to rest, needs to rest. But he's shaking his head, his voice low,   'Tao....I can't do that when I know you need me.....I'll suffer for you if I have to....'   Tao shakes his head, pulling closer so that the tips of their noses are touching,   "Kris....please.....please do this....for me...."   He feels Kris relax against him, the tension going out of his shoulders, a look of defeat on his face,   'Panda-'   Tao cuts him off, shaking his head,   "It's not my first choice, Kris. But I can't let you keep doing this....it doesn't mean we're not in love anymore and it doesn't mean I wouldn't want to be with you if I could....because I do, I want that more than anything...."   He trails off, a choked sound escaping his lips as he crosses his arms behind Kris's neck,   "I just need you to be okay because I can't be right now....."   He drops his arms, running his hands under the hem of Kris's shirt, feeling the smooth contours of his ribs, his body seeming a bit less strong than before,   "You're so skinny, Kris.....when did that happen?"   Kris brings his eyes up to Tao's and he looks so empty, so dead inside. There's sadness there, and love too, but his eyes seem to have lost their gleam, the light that Tao loved so much.    Tao feels his throat burn as he reaches up, brushing a finger gently along Kris's eyelids,   "Baby, what happened? You look so sad....don't say this is because of me...."   Kris doesn't reply for a moment, swallowing slowly as he brushes the tip of his nose against Tao's,   'I hate seeing you like this....every night I hope that you'll be able to sleep, that you won't dream like that anymore.....'   He lifts a hand slowly, curling it into Tao's hair,   'I love you, Tao....and the worst part of loving someone is not being able to help them.....'   Tao doesn't want to cry so he holds it in as he wraps his arms around Kris, resting his chin on his shoulder as he pulls him close. Kris slips his arms around Tao's waist without hesitation, sighing softly in contentment.    Tao holds still for a moment, letting himself enjoy how it felt to be held by Kris, the steady beat of his heart, the warmth of his skin. He curls his fingers into Kris's hair, inhaling the sweet spicy smell of his shampoo,   "I know we'll figure this out....but promise me you'll think about it....."   Tao feels Kris twist his head, burying his face in Tao's hair, his voice muffled slightly,   'For you....I promise.....'   Tao sighs softly, pulling back and tilting his head, fitting his lips to Kris's. The kiss is soft at first, but Tao feels Kris push back against him slightly, making the younger smile, biting Kris's lip as he pulls back reluctantly,   "We should probably start packing...."   Kris sighs and nods, letting go of Tao as he raises his eyes, a small smirk curving his lips,   'I think this vacation will be good for us.....we'll get to have some fun....'   Tao rolls his eyes, turning to grab his gloves from the dresser as Kris reaches over, smacking his . Tao makes a face even though his eyes are sparkling with amusement, his eyebrows raised,   "We better not have too much fun or I'll never hear the end of it from Xiumin and Luhan...."   Kris laughs softly, his lips as he glances up at Tao, a few strands of dark hair falling over his forehead,   'Who cares what they say? Besides, Luhan is just jealous because he's a ....'   Tao laughs, a grin spreading across his face as he pulls on his gloves and retrieves his empty duffel bag from the floor,   "I'm surprised he still is....after the way Kyungsoo looks at him all the time...."   Kris shrugs, biting his lip as he considers,   'I'm pretty sure Luhan doesn't realize how Kyungsoo feels about him....at least, the way he flirts with Chanyeol and Kai.....'   Tao pauses to think for a moment before walking past Kris and setting his bag on the floor, pulling sweaters and shirts off hangers and tossing them in his bag,   "I don't know....but I'm not really in the mood for meddling in Luhan's love life....he always seems to be able to find ways to embarrass me anyway...."   Kris laughs, pressing a kiss to Tao's cheek as he yawns and runs a hand through his hair, spotting his bag on the floor next to his desk and bending to pick it up.    They pack rather quickly considering it's them, usually getting distracted whatever they do. But somehow they stay on task, Kris giving Tao one last kiss as he offers to take their bags downstairs, saying he's going to take a shower before they leave.    So he leaves Tao alone, the sun still barely risen over the horizon, throwing shafts of light across the floor. Soon after Kris leaves, Tao feels the familiar coldness set in, pain twisting in his chest. If he couldn't stand a few minutes without Kris, how was he supposed to be okay every night?    He wouldn't be. Tao wouldn't be okay for a while now. But he had to try to be. For Kris. Kris had always taken care of him, put Tao before himself, even saved his life once. The least Tao could do was let him get a good night's sleep.    Tao stands there for a moment, watching the sun, the frost sparkling on the rooftops of the dorms. He knows he should get dressed and eat before they have to leave, but he can't force himself to move. He keeps remembering his dream and suddenly it's as if he's standing in that street again and all he can see is Lay's face.    Tao lets his eyes fall closed, taking a shuddering breath as he forces his heartbeat to slow. He couldn't do this right now. Besides, he'd had fun at the beach. The others always seemed to be able to make him happy. Kris. For some reason, the dark haired boy pops into his head and he's grinning now, remembering how Kris had been doting on him lately; always buying him little gifts and making him breakfast on the weekends.    Tao loved him so much. But that wasn't even close to describing how he felt about Kris. Feeling a bit better, Tao dresses quickly and runs his hands through his hair as he hurries downstairs. He has decided on dark jeans and a maroon v-neck sweater that showed off his collarbone, something Kris would like no doubt.    The other boys are already clustered around the table. Chanyeol is laughing about something Luhan said, the delicate faced boy blushing, a smug smile curving his lips.    Kyungsoo is looking on with jealousy, his thick eyebrows making him look threatening for a moment. Baekhyun seems embarrassed, avoiding looking up at all as he eats the rest of his food. Suho nods and smiles at Tao, the older blonde haired boy sitting between a still broken up Kai and Sehun.    Tao nods back to him and takes a seat next to Xiumin. The pink haired boy looks tired but Tao sees his lips curve into a smile as he catches sight of the ring on his finger. Tao notices perhaps for the first time that Chen is missing from the table.    The others are consumed in conversation, but Xiumin seems quiet. Something is off. Tao glances sideways at Xiumin, shoving him playfully with his shoulder,   "Hey....where's that curly haired prat that hangs out with you?"   Xiumin laughs, his dark eyes seeming to sparkle even more. But that lasts only for a moment as the same light dims again, a slightly sad expression taking over Xiumin's round face,   'Chen hasn't been feeling well. He keeps getting these horrible headaches which usually ends in him throwing up.....he says he's still well enough to go on the trip....but when I woke up this morning, he was actually asleep for once....I couldn't bear to wake him.....'   Xiumin glances up at the clock, his voice sounding faraway, as if his mind was elsewhere,   'I'll get him up soon....he's just so tired all the time lately.....I wanted to let him rest....'   Tao's mind flashes to Kris and he smiles sadly, knowing all too well what Xiumin feels like.    No sooner has thoughts of Kris's dark eyes returned to Tao than his dark haired boyfriend appears, pressing a gentle kiss to the side of his neck as he sits down across the table at the only available seat.