Tao feels like he no longer has any tears left to cry.    There's a familiar shock of pain in his chest, his eyes burning, his breathing uneven. But no tears come. Maybe he should have stopped crying by now.    It's been three weeks after all, but it felt like so much shorter than that. It felt like it'd only been a few hours since Lay had told Suho he loved him and walked out of their lives forever. Like a disease with no cure, the sadness, the anger that Lay's death had brought had infected all of them; changed them even if they would deny it.    The house had been fairly quiet and Kris seemed to have taken on Suho's role of forcing all of them to interact and spend time together. Kris.    Things had been different between him and the golden eyed boy. Of course they still spent time together and they weren't fighting or anything. But Kris just seemed so far away, like Lay's death had driven a wedge between them. The ground cracking open, forging a gap between them.    It hurt that things felt different, that Tao didn't know a way to get back to how they'd been. But things had been so easy then, carefree, Kris's love the only thing Tao had needed. Now it was something else Tao needed.    He needed Lay.    Needed his optimism and his advice because now that he was gone and things had gotten weird between him and Baekhyun, Tao had no one to talk to about how he felt.    He couldn't talk to Kris without admitting how empty he felt, how much he missed something he already had. He couldn't talk to Baekhyun without telling him that he still loved Kris, that he'd always love Kris. So Tao was alone. Whether he wanted to be or not.    It's like Lay's death was an ending but a beginning too and there wasn't a word for both. Never ending. An ouroboros. A small patch of infinity cruelly dedicated to their lives, to Tao's.    Suho seemed a bit better at least. He was still sad of course, but it was a different sort of sad than before. It wasn't that same desperate angry sadness, it was sentimental and understated and 'Lay would have loved this'.    Knowing Lay had loved him seemed both a blessing and a curse, but Suho seemed determined to make him proud, to keep himself happy for the boy he loved.    Maybe he didn't realize the scope of the loss, of how many years would pass without him ever seeing Lay. But then again, maybe that was for the best.    He hadn't hurt himself again, or at least that Tao knew, and he stuck close to Kris a lot of the time, relying on Tao's boyfriend to keep him grounded. Suho, Chanyeol, and Chen had all gotten matching tattoos as well; Lay's name in Chinese on the back of their necks.    That way they'd never forget.    But Tao didn't need a tattoo. He'd never forget seeing the pictures Lay took, wouldn't forget finding Suho in the bathroom or how hard Baekhyun had cried in his arms. Those things were written on his soul, a part of him now whether he wanted them to be or not.    It's a somber dark grey outside and Tao supposes that's fitting. It didn't seem right to have a funeral on a sunny day.    A funeral, Lay's funeral.    After a week, Lay's parents had gotten the permit they needed to bury Lay. To bury their son.    They'd already picked a spot, a spot Suho said was where Lay had fallen asleep next to him more times than he could count. He'd wanted them to have their first kiss there; not like that mattered anymore. It was too late now.    Tao feels a familiar ache in his chest, an icy cold numbness spreading through his body, making him lean against the window, his forehead pressed against the cold glass, his heart fluttering as his eyes burned again. But no tears.    He couldn't cry; couldn't or wouldn't. He had to be strong.    There's a shuffling of feet down the hallway, the sound of footsteps drawing closer as Kris's familiar deep voice reaches his ears,   'Tao? You ready?'   Tao glances up at him and nearly smiles.    He looks gorgeous.    Kris is dressed in a navy tux, ash grey shirt, and black tie, his golden brown hair slicked back, a lone silver earring hanging from his left ear.    He's watching Tao almost intently, his eyes cast towards Tao's face so that the dark haired boy can see his thick eyelashes clearly, his golden eyes seeming almost dulled, tarnished.    But that doesn't change the fact that he's beautiful, heartbreakingly gorgeous.    For a moment, Tao just wants Kris to pull him against his chest, take him in his strong arms and convince him that everything will be okay. But Tao can't ask him to do that. Not now when they both needed to be strong, when they had somewhere to be.    Tao has a tux too, his classic black with a light purple shirt and snow grey tie. Purple had been Lay's favorite color.    Tao pauses for a moment, considering Kris's question. Ready? Hardly. But he had to be so he manages a small smile, nodding as he looks up at Kris, his voice soft,   "As ready as I'll ever be....."   Kris is quiet for a moment, bringing a hand up hesitantly and curving it gently against Tao's cheek,   'You've been so strong, Tao....sometimes I wonder if you even need me anymore....'   Tao smiles sadly, leaning his head into Kris's hand,   "I always need you....."   Kris drops his hand, using his thumb to tilt Tao's chin up, fitting their lips together.    The kiss is nothing particularly romantic. More like a friendly gesture.    Ever since the night that Lay's parents had visited, Tao's life had been lacking in romance. Him and Kris's relationship hadn't been founded on benefits but he did miss the physical side of them as a couple.    But again, he couldn't ask Kris to do that, not if he wasn't even one hundred percent sure about their relationship, not when he felt guilty still.    He knew he'd used Kris that night, used him before. Used his body to make himself forget.    It wasn't that he'd wanted him exactly, more like he'd wanted someone. Tao knew it wouldn't really have mattered who it was as long as they were willing and that made him feel twice as awful.    Kris had already admitted to him that he wasn't attracted to other guys at all. Only Tao. Maybe it hurt just a little bit that he knew Tao didn't feel the same way.    Kris breaks the kiss, holding Tao's gaze as he drops his hand, a small smile curving his lips,   'I'll give you a minute....we're leaving at eleven thirty, okay?'   Tao nods and Kris gives him a pat on the shoulder before retreating down the hall, leaving Tao alone.    It's quiet for a moment and Tao sighs softly, pressing his palm against the glass. He knows he must seem aloof to the other boys, not joining in their fun much. But he can't bring himself to. Not yet anyway.    The sound of footsteps reaches Tao's ears and he sees movement in his peripheral vision as Xiumin appears in the doorway of his and Chen's room. He looks different somehow.    Xiumin's dressed in a white tux and pale pink shirt that matches his hair which is drawn back from his face, making him look older. He glances over at Tao, a small smile curving his lips,   'You okay, Panda?'   Tao nearly smiles at the nickname, one only usually Kris called him. He sighs softly and nods, walking over to Xiumin,   "I'm fine Xiuminnie....you ready?"   Xiumin smiles solemnly, nodding and looping his arm through Tao's, his engagement ring catching the light,   'I'm ready....'   Tao feels something tighten in his chest, the familiar guilt and pain mixed with sadness and apprehension, his voice soft,   "Let's go then...."   Him and Xiumin walk downstairs arm in arm, both of them quiet. The others are already outside, their voices rolling back to Tao's ears. He lets Xiumin go in front of him, taking his key out of his pocket to lock the door behind them.    Suho's R8 is parked in the driveway next to Kai's BMW, the other boys clustered around both cars. Tao lets his eyes roam around the group until his eyes stop.   Baekhyun looks incredible.    He's dressed in a tailored maroon jacket and pants, his black shirt missing a tie, a few buttons left open so that that sharp contours of his collarbone are visible.    He's recently stopped dying his hair so it's reverted to a jet black, making his skin seem even paler.    Tao stands there for a moment and decides he needs to say something. Things can't stay like this with him and Baekhyun, he needed to maintain their friendship, to-   Baekhyun stretches his arms above his head, his shirt sliding up his stomach, exposing a flash of smooth pale skin and abs. Tao makes a low gasping sound, averting his eyes. He wanted them to stay just friends but Baekhyun wasn't exactly making it very easy.    No. He couldn't do this. Not to Baekhyun.    He nods to himself and walks over to the petite boy, letting a small smile curve his lips as he comes to a stop, his voice even,   "Can I talk to you for a minute, Baek?"   Baekhyun looks up at him and Tao can see his dark eyeliner up close, flawlessly curving around his midnight colored eyes.   He's beautiful.    A polite smile curves his lips and he nods,   'Sure....of course....'   Tao turns to walk back up towards the house so that they could talk in private, Baekhyun following after him. He pauses and pivots to look Baekhyun in the eyes, his voice gentle,   "I don't want things to be like this, Baekhyun.....you know I care about you....a lot....but you deserve someone better than-"   Baekhyun cuts him off, his face unreadable, his voice cold,   'This is about him, isn't it? Don't try and act like this is about my standards....'   Tao falls silent for a moment, glancing across the yard to the others before turning his eyes back to Baekhyun,   "I love him, Baekhyun. I, I couldn't-"   Baekhyun smiles softly, his voice almost bright,   'And you couldn't hurt him, right?'   Tao nods, feeling a rush of relief that Baekhyun knows how he feels.    But that relief is short lived.    The smile slides off his face, his eyes darkening, his voice bitter,   'But it's okay to hurt me?'   Tao feels something twist in his chest and he shakes his head, his voice tinged with desperation,   "It's not like that, I just don't know-"   Baekhyun cuts him off, his voice cold, anger in his eyes,   'Yeah, you don't. So until you do, don't talk to me, Tao....'   He turns and walks away, his dark head bobbing away from Tao, leaving him in cold silence.    Maybe it's then that Tao realizes Baekhyun has changed. He's not a love sick puppy anymore. He's a man, a man who didn't need Tao, who didn't want him unless he was sure.    Part of Tao respected him for that and part of him hated him for being able to do what he couldn't.    Tao felt scolded or burned or both and it wasn't a good feeling. It made him either want to kill Baekhyun or- No. He had to stop thinking like that.    He couldn't use Baekhyun like that. It was the same way with Kris. He had to want him, not just his body. He did have a really nice body.    Tao shakes his head, mentally chastising himself,   'Get your mind out of the gutter, Tao....'   He glances up and walks back towards the other boys, Kris tossing the keys to Suho's Audi back and forth between his hands flashing a smile at Tao.    Baekhyun seems to try to avoid Tao, offering to ride with Kai, Sehun, Luhan, and conveniently, Chanyeol. For some reason that makes Tao jealous, an emotion he's not used to feeling. Whatever this is, he didn't like it.    He follows Kris, getting into the passenger seat of the R8, and glancing over at his boyfriend. He shouldn't be jealous, he had Kris.    There were at least a dozen girls at school that would be more than happy to have Kris as theirs and here Tao was not appreciating what was right in front of him. So why didn't it feel right?    Tao remembers the last time they rode in this car, how fast that day had flown by. The heat of Kris's skin, the pressure of his lips, the whole thing sliding by in a kaleidoscope of ecstasy and pain. It had been a while since Tao had felt like that.    The way he'd felt in love that day, the earnest insistent 'can't live without you' love, it had been so nice. But it hadn't lasted.    Him and Kris were different people now and Tao wasn't sure how to reconcile that same helpless love with the cold sadness that had formed between them. Tao didn't even know if there was a way to fix this, to bring them back together.    It wasn't like they were broken up, but their relationship wasn't loving and warm anymore. It was cold and distant and Tao would do anything to fix it. If he knew how.    He's not sure when Kris started driving but there's the sound of quiet conversation from the backseat, Xiumin sitting in Chen's lap since there's not enough seats.    Dark-eyed Kyungsoo is grinning as he talks about when he visited Ireland, giving Xiuchen a list of places they should look into for their wedding. Suho is quiet but there's a sad smile curving his lips and every once in a while he adds something to the conversation.   Kris doesn't say much as they drive and soon freeways turn to forests and the amount of cars they pass becomes less and less until the only one Tao can see is Kai's black BMW in the rear view mirror.    The rest of the ride passes in silence and Kris hardly even looks at Tao, making the dark haired boy wonder if he knew.    If he knew that Tao used him, knew that Tao felt distanced from him. Maybe he knew and maybe he didn't but whatever the case, Tao had never felt more alone.    Tao knows it must have been close to three hours since they started driving by the time that Kris pulls into a gravel parking lot and slows to a stop.    Kris doesn't pause for a moment, getting out of the car, Tao following after him, closing the car door behind him. Tao's feet come to a halt, nearly gasping at the sight that greets them in the parking lot.    Sitting a few feet away from them is a rather large black helicopter.    Not as if Tao has never seen a helicopter, it's just that he's never been this close to one. Lay's mother is standing a few feet away, flashing a smile as she walks over to meet Kris and Tao,   'You're all here! I'm not sure if we mentioned it, but the spot is fairly secluded and it would take days to walk there. We'll have to take the helicopter.....'   Tao nearly laughs at the casual way she says 'the helicopter', feeling a brief flash of fear. Of anything, he was afraid of heights the most.    Tao wants to grab Kris's hand but he doesn't as he hears the sounds of conversation and footsteps, the other boys coming to stand beside them. There's a flash of movement by the helicopter as a figure comes into view.    He must be the pilot. He has thick silver hair, a fairly muscular build, and almond shaped eyes, a small smile curving his lips. Tao feels a flash of recognition as the boy grins, near disbelief in his voice,   'Huang Zitao?'   Tao nods, laughing as the boy pulls him into a hug,    "Kim Namjoon?"   The boy grins, pulling back, his eyes shining,   'How long has it been since I've seen you?'   Tao shrugs, trying to think back,   "I feel like maybe it was sophomore year....before I moved....."   Namjoon smiles, punching Tao in the arm affectionately,   'It's been too long....nice to see you again, Tao....'   Lay's mother nods to him and Namjoon smiles softly, clearing his throat,   'Okay everyone, for those of you who haven't ridden in a helicopter before, don't be scared. I'm a highly qualified pilot and as long as you do what I say, everything will be fine....'   Luhan looks particularly nervous and Tao reaches over, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze.    Namjoon keeps talking and the boys follow after him. Soon they're all loaded into the helicopter, Kris sitting next to Tao. He's quiet for a moment before looking over at Tao, his eyes unreadable,   'So you know this guy? From high school?'   Tao can detect the jealousy in his voice and feels something warm spread through his chest, shoving Kris with his shoulder,   "Stop it. He's straight...."   Kris shrugs, looking a bit embarrassed but also relieved as well.    He still loves Tao, even with this gap between them, the coldness of their relationship, he still loved him.    Tao feels the helicopter shudder as it lifts off the ground, a high pitched whimper escaping his lips as his eyes snap shut, his hand seeking out Kris's.    And it's like a puzzle piece slides into place as Kris laces their fingers. The moment may not have meant much to Kris, but for Tao it felt like hope, like the bright light of a sunny day or the crash of waves on a beach.    It felt like love.    Tao can feel that they're flying now, but the helicopter gives one final shudder and Tao gasps, tightening his grip on Kris's hand, his voice low,   "Kris....Kris....."   Kris laughs softly, tilting his head to press a kiss to Tao's cheek, his lips warm against Tao's cold skin.    Tao's sure if he could see that it would be like a spark to a fire, a pinprick of light where Kris's lips touched spreading through him until he was sure he was glowing.    This felt better.    Kris lets go of his hand for a moment, slipping his arm around Tao's waist, his grip tight,   'It's okay Tao.....I'll protect you......I promise....'   Maybe it's not the promise of protecting Tao from helicopters and heights but the promise that he'd fix this, that he'd fix them.    Tao hoped he was right.    Luhan is nearly hyperventilating, squeezing Kyungsoo's hand so tightly that Tao knows the dark eyed boy must be in pain. But he doesn't show it. He simply smiles softly, patting Luhan's hand with his other as the fair skinned boy sighs, tightening his grip again.    Tao wonders briefly if they were a couple or not. Not as if it mattered, but Kyungsoo was always so patient and gentle with Luhan, catering to him at every opportunity. It was quite endearing actually.    Tao looks around the rest of the helicopter, surveying the other boys. Chen looks rather