It's deadly silent when Tao awakes.

  At first it almost feels like he's still dreaming, the comfortable warmth of Kris's skin against his, the soft sounds of his breathing. It's like he's gone back in time.    There's grey-white light filtering in through the window, speckled frost curving around the edges of the window panes. Tao wants to ignore it, but there are memories pressing on his consciousness, wanting to be felt, to be remembered.    But he doesn't want to remember them, he wants to forget. Or at least, forget about the bad ones.    Baekhyun.    It's like a light goes on in Tao's mind as he remembers Baekhyun's arms around him, the way he looked at Tao, how last night in the hallway, Tao had fallen in love. And that's what it feels like.    Maybe he'd been in love with Baekhyun for a while now and just hadn't wanted to admit it. Or maybe he was just crazy.    But now all he can think about is how soft his lips must be, how sweet he would taste, how it would feel to run his hands all over his smooth pale skin. This was wrong. He shouldn't be thinking about Baekhyun like this.    But now that he's started, he can't stop and he just wants Baekhyun, wants to feel his heart flutter because he's out of breath, hear him gasp, ask for more. This was getting bad. He couldn't feel like this about Baekhyun. Tao had to get this out of his head.    He twists out of Kris's grip slowly so as not to wake him as he gets to his feet and walks over to the door, closing it silently behind him. He glances towards the large window at the end of the hall and is surprised to see Baekhyun perched on the windowsill.    He's not looking at Tao, his dark eyes trained on the ground, a deep sadness in his gaze. He looks so fragile. Baekhyun raises his eyes slightly, running a hand through his pale blonde hair. He must be an angel. That's the only logical explanation.    Baekhyun seems like he's glowing in the snowy grey light, his blonde hair shining, his pale cheeks flushed a light pink, the grace with which he moves seeming almost in-human, otherworldly.    He's still not looking at Tao as the dark haired boy takes a step forward and his blonde head swivels in Tao's direction. He looks different somehow, both stronger and weaker.    Tao can sees he's shaking ever so slightly and he wants to comfort him, but in this moment, he also wants to kiss him. To take his delicate face in his hands and fit their lips together.    Baekhyun doesn't say anything as Tao walks towards him, sitting on the windowsill next to him. He avoids looking at the blonde haired boy for a moment before he raises his eyes, looks over, and feels something twist in his chest.    He's beautiful.    And smart and wonderful and loyal and caring and strong and perfect. Just perfect. He's looking back at Tao, the grey light making his pale skin look even more flawless and Tao remembers the night on the cliff when he was sure they were going to die, how out of reach Baekhyun had been.    But he wasn't anymore.    He was here. Only a few inches away, watching Tao silently. It seems to happen in slow motion. Tao leans towards him, bringing a hand up to cup his cheek, his fingers cool against Baekhyun's smooth skin.    Tao can feel Baekhyun's breath against his skin, so close now that Tao can see each of his eyelashes, like dark spiderwebs against his porcelain skin. Tao feels Baekhyun curve his hand around the back of his neck, the soft smoothness of his palm, the cool touch of his fingers in Tao's dark hair.    Tao pulls him closer as Baekhyun smiles softly, his voice so low that Tao barely hears him,   'Wǒ de ài....'   And suddenly he's kissing Tao, his lips sweet but insistent, his fingers curling into Tao's hair. It's different than kissing Kris. If kissing Kris is like a storm, then kissing Baekhyun is like a sunset, beautiful and breathtaking.    Tao runs his hand along the edge of Baekhyun's sweater, curving his cool hand against the warm skin of Baekhyun's hips. Baekhyun gasps at Tao's touch, making the dark haired boy smile as he breaks the kiss slowly.    But Baekhyun's not done. He pulls Tao back, kissing him more gently this time, dropping his hand from Tao's neck and pressing both his palms flat against his chest.    No doubt Baekhyun could feel how fast his heart was beating, the cool pressure of his hands not helping anything. Baekhyun pulls back slightly, whispering to Tao in between kisses,   'Tao....you're so pretty.....'   Tao laughs softly, pulling back even though Baekhyun whines in protest. Tao wanted to kiss him again, to pull him closer, but something is stopping him.    It's too soon. Too much. He can't. Not right now. He brushes the back of his hand against Baekhyun's cheek softly, his voice low,   "Do you really want this Baekhyun? Us? I mean, the-"   Baekhyun presses a finger to Tao's lips, silencing him,   'You are everything I want, Tao. You make me so happy Bǎobǎo....'   Tao feels a shiver run along his skin at the gentleness in Baekhyun's voice, the careful way he said the words. Tao hadn't know that he spoke Chinese.    Before he can ask him or say anything more on the matter, there's the sound of foot steps on the stairs and Tao moves a safe distance away from Baekhyun as Chen comes into view.   He looks sad, but more than that, it's like he's condemned, a dark hopeless look in his eyes. This is one of the only times Tao has seen Chen truly sad. He's always the one to make light of things, to help the rest of them feel better. But now it doesn't look as if he can even help himself.    He clears his throat and shuffles over to Baekhyun and Tao, dressed in the same dark jeans and blue sweater he was wearing last night. His voice is rough, his curly hair looking disheveled,   'Suho is still asleep.....Lay's parents called this morning....they're coming to visit and bringing Lay's will with them. Sounds like he left things for all of us and knew that he wanted to be buried near this lake him and Suho used to hike to as kids....'   Tao feels the now familiar cold pain in his chest thinking about Lay. Tao knew he'd had a rare heart condition, one that had often kept him grounded as a child and he'd always told them how Suho had stayed with him, playing board games and reading books, promising Lay that one day he'd be strong enough to do all the things they talked about doing together.    And they had done so much.    Tao knew that they'd known each other almost fifteen years, and since Suho's parents had died, they'd spent every day together. Tao sighs softly as he imagines how Suho must be feeling right now.    Not only losing his best friend, his brother, but also the boy he loved, the one he'd taken care of, protected, made millions of memories with. Lay. Tao lifts his eyes to Chen's and smiles sadly,   "Anything Suho needs, we're here. None of us knew Lay like he did.....I can't even imagine how much pain he must be in..."   Chen flinches slightly, biting his lip as he raises his eyes to the window, looking out at the dark grey clouds and snow,   'This is what happens when you love something.....you lose it....'   Tao instinctively looks at Baekhyun and finds the blonde haired boy looking back at him, tears in his dark eyes, making Tao want to comfort him.    Tao wonders briefly what it would be like if he lost Baekhyun or Kris. Without either of them, Tao would- he's not even sure what would happen.    Kris.    But Tao had just kissed Baekhyun.    Suddenly, Tao's head hurts. Everything seems so much more complicated than it had been only a few days ago and Tao just wants to go back in time.    If it had to be any of them, it shouldn't have been Lay.    Lay had had a future. A future with Suho.   Tao knows he should talk to the older blonde haired boy, try to comfort him in some way. But somehow, he knows that anything he does, anything he says, it won't make any difference.    After so long, Suho was going to tell him. But now, Lay would never know.    They hadn't gotten a kiss or a candle-lit dinner or a walk on the beach together. Lay was gone and Suho was left behind and Tao wondered who had gotten the worse end of the deal.    It shouldn't be this way, never should have been like this. But life wasn't fair. And besides, it was too late.    Tao wanted to cry again. Because Suho was in pain and Lay was gone and the whole thing just felt like one big mistake, some sort of twisted dream. Suho had loved Lay and Lay had loved Suho and when it came down to it, that hadn't really mattered at all.    Fate was cruel and life wasn't fair and all Tao knew was that he was shaking again and suddenly he just wanted to go back to bed and forget about all of this. But he couldn't.    Even if he wanted to, he knew he'd never forget about this.    The three of them stand there in silence for a while before Chen clears his throat, running a hand through his hair,    'His parents are going to be here soon so we better wake the others and eat something before then....Tao, would you mind waking Suho?'   Tao arches an eyebrow at the curly haired boy, his voice soft,   "Shouldn't Kris do it?"   Chen half-smiles, the dark sadness never leaving his eyes,   'You know you're one of Suho's favorites....and besides, he needs you, Tao....'   Tao feels something twist in his chest as he remembers how Suho was always say how grown up he was, always buying him new clothes and even a Gucci jacket. Suho had always taken care of him, so now it was time for Tao to do the same.   Tao nods to Chen, reaching over and lacing his fingers with Baekhyun's for a moment, giving his hand a squeeze before turning to walk towards the stairs, ignoring the confused look on Chen's face. He walks down the stairs quietly, his socks barely making a sound on the wood floor as he turns left at the bottom of the stairs and walks down the hall, pausing at the first door. Tao lingers for a moment at the door, not sure exactly what to do. Hesitantly, he turns the knob, pushing the door and letting it swing open.   Somehow Chanyeol and Suho had gotten the biggest room, the only one with its own bathroom, while the rest of them shared a bathroom upstairs. Tao glances around the large room, both of their beds empty, the silence thick like a blanket, like a cloud. A small sound like the splash of water breaks the silence and Tao proceeds gingerly into the room, stopping in front of the door to their bathroom.   He knocks this time, lifting a slim hand and hitting it against the pale wood, his voice raised enough so that anyone inside would be able to hear him,   "Suho? It's Tao....I'm here to get you for breakfast...."   There's no reply and Tao hesitates for a moment, his fingers poised over the brass doorknob. Chen's words ring in his mind and Tao opens the door slowly.   This is far worse than whatever he'd expected.   There's a layer of broken glass all over the tile floor like sharp snow, the mirror cracked in several places as if someone had hit it. But there's blood on the mirror too, blood coloring the sparkling glass snow a morbid shade of pink. Suho is sitting in the tub, fully clothed in black jeans and a white tee shirt, the water level so high that even the slightest movement sends some of it rolling over the edge.   For a moment Tao thinks that Suho is dead.   His eyes are glazed over, blood in his pale blonde hair, shards of glass stuck in his skin. He has something in his hand, a piece of paper, and he's handling it so gently, his wrist propped on his knee which is submerged under the level of the water. He moves his arm slightly and Tao can see blood running from his arms, from long jagged cuts on his wrists, tinting the water an odd pinkish grey.   He doesn't look at Tao, but the dark haired boy can see a large piece of glass in his other hand, blood running from between his fingers as he tightens his grip on it. Tao wants to go to him, to say something, anything, but the glass is so thick and any words seem to have died in his throat.   But he knows if he doesn't do anything, Suho is going to die. He sees him raise the hand with the glass, pressing the point of it to the corner of his neck near his jaw, his eyes fluttering closed. Tao moves towards him then, ignoring the fierce pain in his feet from the glass as he wraps his hand around Suho's wrist and stops the motion of the glass.   His heart is beating so fast he's sure he can't breathe, Suho's blood on his hand, the edge of the glass making a thin cut on the side of his hand. Suho still isn't looking at him but his grip on the paper tightens and Tao glances over at it. Not a paper. It's a picture. A Polaroid of him and Lay.   Lay has both arms around Suho's waist, kissing the blonde haired boy behind the ear, his eyes closed. Suho has one hand raised, resting on Lay's shoulder. His eyes are closed but his smile says it all. He looks like he's glowing.   The picture must be recent because Tao recognizes Lay's pale pink-blonde hair and realizes that Suho is wearing the gloves Lay had bought him. So the picture had been taken on Christmas then. Tao feels something twist in his chest as Suho's grip on the glass goes slack and Tao drops it to the tiled floor, lacing his fingers with Suho's gently and moving closer so that he's kneeling on the floor, his voice soft,   "Suho? Why don't you let me help-"   A look of indescribable pain flashes across Suho's eyes, his voice low and ragged, his nails digging into the edge of the Polaroid,   'You can't help me, Tao......no one can.....just let me die....please.....just let me see him again.....I...'   He breaks off, tears shining in his eyes, on his cheeks, his skin already damp from the water,   'I just want to have his arms around me....you know, he wanted to take this picture.....to remember that day....that Christmas.....'   He shifts slightly and Tao can see similar cuts on his other wrist, pinpricks of blood dotting along the edge, running down his hands. Tao resists the urge to flinch as he looks up at the older blonde haired boy,   "Suho, you shouldn't hurt yourself like this-"   Suho cuts him off, pure heartbreak in his voice,   'I killed him.....it was my fault.....'   Tao shakes his head, ignoring the blood he could feel seeping through his socks, fragments of glass in his skin,   "No, Suho, you can't blame yourself....."   He looks so sad for a moment that Tao wishes there wasn't a low wall of porcelain keeping him from wrapping his arms around Suho,   'I texted him.....I was going to tell him when he got home and I was nervous and I texted him to ask if he was almost home....that's why he stopped in the road....that's why he got hit....'   He trails off, crying silently, tears running down his chin and neck, his breathing ragged,   'I love him so much.....I just......I want to see him again......but I can't.....and I hate it.....I hate this....I hate myself.....just let me die, Tao....'   Tao feels tears burn his eyes. He's never seen Suho like this; so broken, in so much pain. And it's something he never wants to see again.   He shakes his head, getting to his feet and curling his hands around Suho's upper arms, pulling him to his feet and lifting him out of the tub, surprised at how light he is. As soon as he's standing, Suho is hugging him, crying harder now. Tao holds him as tightly at he can, resting his chin on the older boy's shoulder. Even though he's soaked and covered in blood, Tao doesn't care.   Whatever Suho needed, whatever he wanted of him, he'd do it. He bites his lip, his voice low, barely containing his tears now,   "Don't give up, Suho.....Lay wouldn't want that...."   Suho is shaking under his grip, curling closer to Tao as the dark haired boy continues, his eyes burning, cold pain in his chest,   "I love you, Suho.....we all love you.....and we can do this together......you just have to be strong....for Lay-"   Tao breaks off as he hears the sound of footsteps in the hallway, Kris's warm deep voice reaching his ears,   'Tao? Suho? I-'   His face comes into sight and Tao hears him gasp, his mouth falling open at the scene before him, his dark golden eyes infinitely sad. He sighs softly, lifting his gaze to the two other boys,   'Oh Suho....'   Suho twists his head to look at Kris and releases Tao. He just stands there for a moment, his white tee shirt streaked with blood, sticking to his skin, water running down his neck. Kris watches him for a moment before closing the distance between them, not caring that he's barefoot. He stops in front of Suho, kissing him on the cheek and pulling him into a tight embrace, resting his chin on the top of Suho's blonde head. Suho is crying again, curling his hands into Kris's shirt, the glass in his hair shining like stars.   Tao glances up and catches sight of the Polaroid he'd been holding now floating in the tub as he bends to retrieve it. They looked so happy. Even now, it was hard to believe that Lay was gone, that he wasn't just on vacation or visiting his parents. But then again, Suho wouldn't be crying like this if Lay was just going to be gone for a few days.   No. He would be missing for the rest of their lives, never a day when they'd see his face at the kitchen table or sit next to him at the movies or walk to school together. Tao wouldn't study with him in the library or knit scarves together anymore. And there was nothing he could do. Nothing he could do to stop this pain, to bring Lay back.   Tao stands there for a moment, the picture in his grasp, the sound of Suho crying breaking his heart a little bit at a time. But looking at that picture, at the look on Suho's face, Tao knew in that moment that he would have given anything to have Lay back, to see Suho that happy.   But it would be a long time before Suho would smile like that again, even smile at all. And through every step of the way, Lay wouldn't be there. Somehow Suho would have to make it on his own. For Lay. Always. No matter what.      The bathroom takes a long time to clean up.   After sweeping up all of the glass and draining the bathtub, Tao and Kris clean all of the blood off the mirror and the wall and the floor. The entire time, Suho sits on the edge of his bed, Chanyeol sitting with him while they clean, his arm firmly around the blonde haired boy's shoulders, whispering softly to him every once in a while.   After they finish cleaning, Kris moves on to Suho, Tao shadowing him in case he needs help. The cuts on his arms are messy and deep and surely look just as painful as they are. For a moment, Tao imagines how Suho must have cried every time the glass touched his skin, how much he must have been suffering to feel like he deserved pain like this.   Kris works silently and as gently as he can, using tweezers to remove all of the glass that he can, wrapping Suho's forearms in bandages and insisting that Suho change into something dry and warmer. After Suho walks wordlessly over to his closet, Kris turns to Tao, using the tweezers to pull glass out of his eyebrows, his cheeks, his hands, and most of all his feet.   After he's done, Tao feels like he's been rubbed all over by a cheese grater. He struggles to stand, Chanyeol rushing to his aid, Tao smiling at him gratefully as he looks back at Kris, his voice soft,   "Are you going to be able to handle this alone?"   Kris shrugs, pulling a rather large share of glass out of his forearm with a wince, his eyes blank as he raises them to Tao,   'I'll be okay....Lay's parents are going to be here soon so I'll try to prep him for that....'   He glances over towards where Suho was standing, holding the picture again, his eyes far away, his mind with Lay, back to that moment when things had been different. Kris looks sad as he looks back at Tao, his voice soft,   'If you hadn't.....I mean....'   Tao nods, understanding what Kris was trying to say even if he couldn't say it,   "I know. If you need anything, Kris, I'm here, okay?"   Kris smiles sadly, affection in his eyes as he tilts his head ever so slightly, golden blonde hair falling into his eyes,   'Go get changed and eat something for me, okay? I'll see you later....'   Tao rolls his eyes, a small smile curving his lips as he lets Chanyeol help him walk, glancing back as he catches sight of Kris walking over to Suho and wrapping his arms around him from behind, resting his chin on his shoulder, Suho still crying softly.   This whole thing was so wrong. Lay should be here. Be here to make Suho happy again, to make him laugh and smile like he was always able to. But Suho was guilty and Lay never knew and it's just unfair.   Chanyeol helps Tao upstairs until the dark haired boy insists that he can walk on his own and Chanyeol heads back downstairs to start making breakfast. Tao returns to his room and is about to get dressed when he catches sight of a scarf Lay had knitted him thrown across his dresser. He picks it up and pauses for a moment, a rush of emotion, of memories, making his eyes burn.   Lay had loved life so much. Even when he'd wanted Suho to protect him, he'd been so adventurous, always giving it all. Maybe Lay had died, but he'd also lived. He'd done so many things despite being sick, despite being in school. And whether he'd known it or not, he'd gotten to fall in love with Suho, to share his life with someone who would love him long after it was over.   He'd had friends that loved him, family that adored him. Maybe he'd never gotten to get married or have kids or graduate or travel the world but he'd gotten to go to the beach and go on picnics, he'd made snow angels with Suho and dragged all of them to museums and landmarks and made them spend every weekend together. For a moment, Tao wonders if he knew. Maybe he hadn't but the way he lived, it seemed like he had.   Tao catches sig