I didn't go on any walk, of course I wouldn't. I can't risk being spotted by a fan or getting lost, or both, especially in the middle of the night in Seoul. 

No, instead I merely went outside the dorm building, to the back where the pool is. It is hardly ever used, considering that nobody who lives in the building ever gets a break or a day off from being an idol. So for the most part it's abandoned and has become my own personal thinking spot for whenever I'm feeling down or confused. Like right now for instance. 

Now I sit upon the brick wall, which overlooks the city and some bushes, separating the life of an idol from the ordinary world. The night is calm, several stars in the sky are exposed to those who can be bothered to look up. Every now and then I hear a leaf fall into the pool that rests behind me. It makes one feel tranquil and at peace, which is why I love this spot so much. 

I've been out here for at least an hour and my anger and frustrations seemed to have slipped away. But they are only replaced with confusion. Why does this have to happen to me? This life... it can become so overwhelming and causes those who live it to lose their sanity over minor or temporary problems in life. An example of this is when someone who you do not get along with is forced to live in the same apartment as you. I feel like I'm losing my mind just because one person wants to make my life difficult.

I don't know, maybe this career wasn't for me. I miss home. 

My hand then automatically reaches to my tree necklace that my parents gave me. I still remember my father's words as he put it around my neck.

"Even though we are miles apart, we are always with you. Remember that when you need strength." 

I take a deep breath and blink rapidly to stop tears from spilling. I miss them. But my father is right, I have to push through, for them. He was always a wise man I guess.

I then remember when Chanyeol noticed my necklace on that first day, the thought causes me to let my hand drop back to my lap. That guy. That apartment. Our relationship. Our punishment. None of it makes sense. 

But when we were on Roommate, it was different. His caring personality. His smile. His laugh. His eyes. It made sense then, at least it felt like it did. Why not now?

Wait... what is this? I didn't actually have feelings for him then did I? 

"Thank god you're out here. I was starting to get worried." 

I gasp slightly at the sudden speech that interrupts my thoughts. I turn my body and relax again when I see Chanyeol standing behind me, his hands in the pockets of his jacket, his eyes filled with concern. Yeah I said it, he actually looks concerned. I turn back to face the city, unable to look at him, knowing what I was just thinking about. Soon I hear him quietly stand next to me and rest his arms on top of the brick wall which I sit on.

He sighs loudly, "This is a nice spot, I find myself here all the time. It's a good place to think." I'm not sure what to say at the moment. I'm surprised he is even talking to me right now, let alone telling me that we share the same thinking spot. I think I feel his eyes on me, but I'm unsure.

"I don't blame you if you don't want to speak to me. You were right before, I really have been terrible to you." I see his hands from the corner of my eye, they're shifting positions every few seconds. His nervous. "I'm sorry." He says in a quiet, but apologetic tone.

That was unexpected, I think to myself. I face him for a moment. If he was looking at me before he stopped, his eyes are now focused on the bright lights that illuminate Seoul. I don't know if I should forgive him, because I'm equally at fault. Instead I build up the courage to say something else. I look ahead of me before I begin.

"Do you remember when we first met?" I pause for a moment as the memory surfaces "On my first day I was looking for my dance class, I was lost and in a rush, and I accidentally ran directly into you. Maybe I just imagined it but I felt like the moment you looked at me, when I was madly apologising to you, you had already made the decision to give me a hard time. Whether that is the case, I don't know. But can I ask you.. why it is you hate me?"

I'm nervous when I don't hear an answer. I face him again and see that he is already looking up at me. I feel my heart begin to beat faster. What is this and why is this happening to me? My mother couldn't be right, could she?

Our eye contact doesn't break but he continues to take his time before he answers. I don't know what is running through his head, but he seems different to the guy that I've had to live with these past few weeks. He looks more innocent almost, like the guy the fans or his friends normally see. Maybe he really is that guy. Maybe he is figuring out if I honestly want an answer. Maybe he is just as confused as I am.

Eventually he looks back to his hands. "You should come inside soon and get some rest. You don't want to get a cold. Goodnight." And then he is gone, his footsteps crunching against the leaves and the grass, the sound getting quieter the further away he gets. I guess he wasn't confused at all. Maybe I was wrong.