[BEGINNING] – [7]

 [INBOX] – [COMPOSE MESSAGE]

 To: Hae Ryong

Subject: Gluttony

                Noona, I really love it when the people most important to you become interested in things about you. It’s always one part of friendship that I really like. Researching about things they like and actually caring… Getting to know the interests involved with an entire person for their sake and not your own. It’s a nice thing. Don’t you think?
                Having friend is nice. Friends are great. They are kind and help you survive things. For example, helping you survive the loneliness of eating by yourself. I think I need your help with that soon.
                If you are up to it, can we go out to eat okonomiyaki sometime soon? I’m really craving it and only want to eat it with you right now. I really need a friend…

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[INBOX] – [DRAFT MESSAGE]

To: Hae Ryong

Subject: Gluttony

                Noona, I think I love it more when someone who is romantically interested in you does that thing when they loose track of a conversation just to stare at you. I really like it, because it makes me feel special…kind of like “ah, how could someone become so engrossed just by looking at me? How did I get lucky enough to receive such a cute silly looking stare?”
                I hope that didn’t sound conceited. I didn’t really mean it in that way, but in any case Joon Jae is a master at this look. I think out of all the men I’ve come to be involved with, Joon Jae looks the cutest when staring like that. It’s kind of hard to explain, but he looks so silly when he does it. Like he’s fascinated just watching me talk about normal things. It makes me want to kiss him. I think it’d catch him too much off guard if I happened to one day.

                Kissing…

                It’s coming back again, these ugly thoughts of mine. I was really going to try and not let it get to me, but that did it. Kissing…I don’t want to sit here thinking of him kissing someone else. I just want to type a nice message like always, but…the damage hit harder than expected. This is definitely true. I know because now I can’t get this out of my head. Not her, and definitely not him.  
                …I really don’t want to feel like a terrible person right now, but I…I think I made a really big mistake that I can’t take back. One that will make me as terrible as I think I am. I really didn’t mean for things to go in this direction, but I think it is unavoidable by now.
                I almost couldn’t send him off. It wasn’t hard to fake a smile or pretend not to be touched by this new information about his girlfriend and his date, but it was the look he kept making that made try to get him out faster. His face…it kept looking like he had broken a promise we never made and it was killing me. He kept trying to waste time or get out of his date, but I…I can’t do that, can I? The role of a lover is to know they’re a just lover. If this really is an affair now…holding him back from the other person when they need him shouldn’t happen. Taking up more of his time than that person and being shamelessly unapologetic shouldn’t happen. I know that, this isn’t the first time someone has had a girlfriend during my time with them. This isn’t the time I’ve had to send off someone to their romantic other, so I know to let them go. And I really was planning to. I even got him out the door…but I…It was that face, like he wanted to stay with me. Truly stay.  
                I didn’t know how to counteract it, such an unforeseen obstacle…I still can’t believe I had the nerve to call him back to me. I didn’t want to believe I had the drive to do it, that I was in deep enough to do something like that. To bring him back to my side like that so dangerously…I don’t feel good thinking about it. I shouldn't be testing where I can fit myself in his life, when she's already there and was probably long before I ever came along...
                I can’t be the end to someone’s relationship. I can’t. That level of guilt…I really, really don’t want it. I could always send them off with that thought, so I don’t know how I could have…I can’t take something like that back.
                I can’t even express how regretful I feel over this impulsive decision. I can’t even express how fearful I am. Deciding to take this sudden step into our relationship like this over something as small as a text message, even Joon Jae understands. Watching him being so out over breathe over picking me, telling me to just eat the ice cream with *“I Like You Most” so big over the wrapper, looking at him look at me with those I’ve-been-caught eyes…All these things made it hard to eat that ice cream I didn’t even want.
                I’m trying not to feel bad about this, but I can’t even throw away that wrapper and his cell keeps ringing. I don’t know how I’ll sleep through something like this. What has this daring version of me done…becoming faithful to someone and letting them seriously like me… This isn’t how you should be, Takuya. This isn’t it. It can’t be…I can't let it be.

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[AN] – [A]uthor's [N]ote

-*"I Like You More" ice cream wrapper: In case you didn't know, apparently the ice cream that Joon Jae bought Takuya read "I like you more". Unforetunately, my korean at the moment is very poor, so I cannot confirm this, but I think it is adorable and (if true) very clever on the writer's part. The link to the tumblr post I found for it is here.