[ENDING] – [10]

 [INBOX] – [COMPOSE MESSAGE]

 To: Hae Ryong

Subject: Wants

                Noona, I haven’t emailed you in a few days because I don’t want to overwhelm you. Until you can get use to me being this way and get all caught up on my sudden romantic tragedy, I don’t think I will be sending you emails for a while. 
                You haven’t been mailing me either these past few days…not a text or a call either. This isn’t something I wasn’t expecting. I prepared my heart for this kind of response remembering that I’ve had it happen before. Be it friend or family…they all need time to adjust. I understand, so I want to give you that time.
                If you decide to end the friendship…I just hope that you’ll tell me. It hasn’t happened often, but once in a while someone will come along and come to know this secret. Sometimes its like they just drop off of the face of the earth just like that and I become a stranger again unknowingly. I really hate that. Not knowing, just out of the blue one day I become no one to them and I have no idea how to start to delete our memories when they didn’t warn me that I should’ve started long ago.
                So…if you could tell me ahead of time in the very least, please…
                Thank you, Noona, again. All this time for your friendship and for reading like this. It will always mean a lot to me to have (or had) a great friend like you. Until your reply that it's okay to sending you these things I guess, bye for now.

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[INBOX] – [DRAFT MESSAGE]

To: Hae Ryong

Subject: Wants

                Noona,  some days I want him to yell out his love for me. On our better days where we can start talking to each other, I have half a mind to yell out my own feelings myself. I always end up having to remind myself that our relationship isn’t something like that, not a happy ending with petals and pink glitter. It is not a bad ending either, with strong lightning flashes and torturous screams or dramatic deaths.
                That much I am thankful for. For that reason I am still slowly working towards returning to how we once were. To joking and smiles and laughter…I miss his laughter the most and want to bring it out again. Most days we manage with chuckles and grins if we’re lucky and in each other’s vicinity long enough. Sometimes it takes a while, I think it’s because Joon Jae has to often work hard at this too. To laugh comfortably with each other without taking in how beautiful a simple smile can be and getting drawn into the moment.  
                I like it when we can make it work. When we can’t, the laughing and smiles take longer and we don’t fall back into our places as friends simply. Today was one of those days. I think I was only joking then mostly…just wanting for him to grin at my silliness from copying the show we’d been watching. His answer was so serious though when I asked why he liked me, so much so that it couldn’t be just a small joke anymore.
                I was so thankful when the phone rang. I don’t think I could have played it off or escaped that moment. I was so thankful, but then I felt so bad…For him to blurt out that perfect answer like that and have to be ignored. It was hard to listen to him scream and throwing things…It was worse listening to him clean up the mess he’d made in the bathroom.  All I could do with sit there and stare at the wall listening.
                The days of pulling off our stunt may be good, but even on days like this I want to go to help him clean and just ask to love him and if it’s okay to be loved by him.  But I can’t let myself confess. I can’t steal his heart away with bad intentions and cowardness, especially when he has her who can nurture his love naturally…publically, bravely.

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