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 [INBOX] – [COMPOSE MESSAGE]

 To: Hae Ryong

Subject: Consequences

                I know I said I wouoldn’t keep emailing you like this until you gave a reply…I truly know that…but Noona…It’s so hard to stop crying right now. I didn’t know what else to do.

                Noona…

                I knew this day would come, that our decisions would catch up to us one day.
                I really…I never wanted to see her face or know what she looks like. I didn’t want to compare myself to her. I mean I can’t even do that…she’s a woman after all. How could we compare? But I just…I didn’t want to know the person I could lose to, or win against. I didn’t want to ever have to see her face or hear her voice, so I wouldn’t have to remember any of it and feel this guilty.
                She’s so pretty. Such a caring girl, so eager to love him and worry for him. This person…I can’t do anything but lost to her. I have to. She was such a forward girl with her forward love. I even decided to right then for his sake, but he just…Why didn’t he just look at her heart? Why did he have to look my way again like this? Why did he have to apologize to me? Why did he have to cry? Just for today…just for today I wanted to save what they built…all he had to do was agree that we were nothing. It was all he needed to do…what I needed him to do… 
                What should I do now? I really can’t just have him. She has to have him. I don’t want to be the reason she got hurt. But what do I do now? From the moment I called for him I don’t know what’s right or wrong…why did I do such a thing?
                Why am I this way?
                …I truly didn’t want it to come out like that, not like that so forced and raw and painful. 
                His pain filled face…his pain filled tears…to get a confession from someone in that condition, it truly hurts. To see him look so small and weak just to get it out properly…What have I done to him, to someone so special? What do I do? This isn’t something he can take back. He can’t…not if she heard it too. How am I supposed to react? What do I do? I’ve destroy her heart and her love…and his and mine and all of it…it’s so bad.

                 I can’t…do this. I can’t do this. My heart can’t do this…
                I need to go. Now. Sleeping or sitting here won’t do. Being alone in this room and hurting won’t do. I can’t sleep anyway, so I’ll spend this morning packing my things. I need to go before it all changes any more. I’m not ready to love him…I never was.

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[INBOX] – [DRAFT MESSAGE]

To: Hae Ryong

Subject: Consequences

                Thank you…for being such a great human, Noona. Thank you for letting me say it out loud for the first time. For giving me the strength to…I didn’t think I ever could. But I did. And he heard it. And because of that…I got such a great gift from Joon Jae, you know. Something to keep me warm…to make me smile…to remember his love and our memories by. It’s so nice, this jacket of his around me…
                It smells like him…feels like him…it’s almost like I’m being surrounded by him and our world again. It’s so nice, but so hard  not to get any sadness on our world. I don’t want to dirty it with my tears, but it’s becoming challenging to hold back the tears.

                Noona…It’s never as simple as being together. For this reason I never did really like dating. Hooking up was simple and easier to some extent and even fun because I did it with all kinds of different men in different countries. It felt exciting and throwing my heart in those weeks or months felt like a dream, so I thought I could just go one like that for a while until I found something else to want in life other than to be cared for. It feels so nice having found Joon Jae…but I don’t think I’ll be able to stop crying even after I get off the plane.  I’ll probably look funny…a grown man crying everywhere he goes while he’s getting his baggage or paying to get on the bus back home…

                I miss him. I really miss him so much. I’ve never felt this empty or this hollow inside… How can a heart miss someone this much? Like a part of me is missing completely. I don’t feel whole anymore, I just feel broken and all I can think is that I miss him. I keep hugging the jacket around myself and letting myself cry…but it’s not helping. It’s not Joon Jae. It’s not his kind eyes or warm smile. It’s only the smell of his thick hair and scent. It’s not the same, even if it’s become my favorite scent in the entire world

.
                How do I stop this kind of pain when it’s so deep? How do I keep myself from going right back on the plane to see him? How do I spend my days without him? How do I stop hating myself when I think of her and what I did?

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