[FINISH] – [12]

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 To: Hae Ryong

Subject: Conclusion 

                Noona, I couldn’t even last two solid weeks. Just like you advised, I went back to see Joon Jae. I didn’t go to clear up our mess or to be together, but just to offer the both of us one last memory of peace. I think that it’ll be okay then somehow, no matter how much our heart yearning for one another. I think we can move on. To move on. To make a memory like a dream and just move on properly now that we can’t be friends and we can’t be lovers.
                I don’t know what will happen once we part for real for the final time, but this last memory…I want to leave it with him. Something good to have to remember of our feelings to each other by.
                The way he looked at me when I first got there, it was like I truly was something good and precious. Like my presence was meaningful. It made me feel like a sweet dream for him. To see him smile so brightly again, it touched my heart. I’m going to miss that smile, and him too. I think I will miss him forever. But isn’t that why they call this your first love? Because you will love them and will miss them so deeply within your heart forever…
                With that kind of love we spent the day going through the motions and loving carefully. We didn’t do anything special. We just sat in all day, being as we normally were and how we are now too. It was a strange mix of complications and conflicts, but we didn’t need to talk about the heavy stuff. We just needed to collect the time. By the end of the day we’d spent our full time together well. Joon Jae had enough fun to even get sleepy.
                I was secretly hoping I could keep him up all night, or in the very least for a few hours more, but I didn’t want to steal him from his sleep. Someone so precious should rest well when he can…eat well…be happy…this is what I want for Joon Jae. To be well, more than anything. I don’t know if love can make him well or if my love specifically can give him these important things to live, and I'm not really confident it can either way, but to have the chance to have loved him was nice…
                I have to go now. I spent so much time just drifting in my own feelings next to him that its already so late at night. Now that I’ve seen his face resting peacefully and have written this email to you, I think it should be time to go. I will catch another flight back home, live well and love well…and miss him well. I will try to become busy with life and email you often. If possible, I will make some kind of life here again and settle back into one place and try to learn what it means to be committed to something again. 
                If I can make it work…I want to become a better person, a better lover. I won’t cause any more complications…and learn to cook properly from mom…love my family and become more confident in my love. I will officially break off those loose relationships and live again.
                If you happen to cross paths with Joon Jae…please check on him for me. Just every once and while, I want to know how he’s doing. My heart won’t be calm if he’s not doing well. I will see you again, until next time!
                -Takuya

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