CHAPTER 11

Kai, 2015

Kai’s room

I woke up to find my self alone in my room. Taemin was gone. I didn’t even felt him leave. But I’m not sure I want to see him right now. I feel embarrassed of what we did, ashamed of my self for letting this happened. Last night was amazing. For that moment I forgot about everything. Been with him, feeling him, kissing him was perfect. There was no guilt, no fear, only desire. The world didn’t exist anymore. Just hearing Taemin’s soft moans and hard breathings was enough for me to disconnect me from any reasoning. It never cross my mind, during that time, who I really am. Who Taemin really is to me. 

When I grab my phone to see the time, I saw a text message from Taemin sent an hours ago.

Hey, sorry I walk out like this. I had a early call. I’ll see you later at the studio. Please wait for me. Taemin.

Now what? what am I going to do? I’m trying to be reasonable. I’m trying to do the right thing here. Last nigh I tried so hard to stay away, I asked him to leave, I beg him to leave me alone. But the true is that he knew how much I wanted him. I can’t hide the fact that I’m in love. I’m finally admitting that I love Taemin. It’s not a fraternal love like I should, It’s passionate love, the one that have me wanting more of him, touching him, kissing him until my soul bound to his. After last night, it’s going to be harder for me to stay away. It’s agonizing to think that we shouldn’t be together. But… Why do we have to be apart? No body knows the true, nobody needs to know, and like he said “we can keep it a secret”. I know I’m been selfish, but it’s something we both want. Am I really selfish? I’m not Jongin anymore. I’m Kai, and Kai it’s in love with Taemin.

When I went down to the kitchen, I made my self a coffee. I don’t know why, I don’t even like coffee. But the smell of it make me want to try it. 

-BRO! I got it!- Suho yell behind me. I jump spilling some of the coffee in the counter.

-Hyung, what the f..-

-I did it. It works.- he say taking my cup from my hand to make me have all of my attention. 

-What works?-  I ask

-The device. It woks. I even tested it my self- he said.  with a big grin in his face. He was really excited. But I became frozen. What does this mean? I can go back to 1992. But do I want to?. A million things cross my mind.

-I can go back to 1992?- I ask just to confirm, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer. 

-Yes man!. You can go back the exact the time you disappear, and it would be like nothing of this happened. you can go back to the life of Jongin.-

I stood silent for a moment, I wasn’t exited like Suho. I was worry. I don’t want to go back, but I feel like I must go. I feel the obligation to go back and do what’s right. Take care of Haru and my son. But I don’t want to leave Taemin.

-What is it bro? you don’t look exited. - Suho notice my silent.

-I…- I made a pause, not really sure what I wanted to say, but I continue. -I don’t know if I want to go back- I finally admit.

-What? why?- he asked me with concerned.

-I want to stay- I say apologetic. I know that wasn’t a good reason but it was the true. I know I tell Suho everything, but I wasn’t prepare to tell him what happened last night just yet. Suho knows there is a possibility that Taemin could be my son, but I’m not ready to confirm that he is and that regardless, I slept with him.

-What about your mom? Don’t you want to see her? And besides this can be the answer to all of your spider webs in your head. You can go back to Haru and forget the whole Taemin thing. -  I know Suho means well, but that was exactly what I didn’t want. 

I don’t want to go back and face the reality that he is my son. See him grow and raise him. If I go back, Taemin will become an entire different person, he wont be the Taemin that I’m in love with. He will become someone different to me, he will be my son, my dear son, and nothing but that. I will never have any thought of him like I have now. I will be a normal man, a loving husband to Haru, and a loving father to Taemin. I will have the picture perfect family. Still, I don’t want that. I want to keep loving this Taemin, the one that doesn’t know I’m his father, the one I never saw him grow because I never new he existed before I came here. I want to keep loving this Taemin regardless of how sick this may be.

-Hyung, I need to think about it, just keep it safe.- That’s all I could tell I’m. I wasn’t ready to discuss my reasons. 

Kai, 2015

SM Entreatment / Studio D

The last class was finally over. I been thinking of Taemin all this time, I can’t wait to see him. I’m exited to kiss him again. I took out my phone from my backpack to see if Taemin has send me a message. When I press the button to light on the phone, I hear behind me the well know heels on the wood floor. 

-Kai-ssi - The voice of Haru call me. I didn’t need to turn around to know it was her. I let my arm fall like if my phone were heavy. I didn’t look back I lift my head to the ceiling  for a moment before  I decided to face her. 

-Mrs. Lee - I greet her politely. But I guess by my reaction, she notices it wasn’t a pleasant surprise. 

-Kai, are you angry at me? - she asked me. I could tell by the tone of her voice that she thought of me as something more.

-No, Mrs Lee. Why would I be mad- I reply trying to accentuated the fact that she was just Taemin’s mom. That there was nothing between us.

She walk to me, even with her heels I am taller than her.