CHAPTER 10

Taemin, 2015

Some street in Seul.

We’ve been walking for a few blocks from the Karaoke, I have no idea where’s he taking me. I don’t even think he knows where we’re going.

-Kai?- I call him wondering exactly what his plan was. The way he dragged me out of the room was like he had a plan in mind. But he’s been silent all the way here. Right now I feel like a child following his mother. After another block of walking I finally softly pull my hand out. -Kai, wait. Where are we going? My car is that way.- I point to the opposite direction. 

Kai was trying to avoid looking directly at me, he kept looking at the ground.

-I can’t go back there- he said.

-Why? did something happened with the guys?-  I asked him, Kai just shook his head. There was a silent for moment, I was trying to figured out what happened that made him run away from my friends.  After a few moment, Kai finally look at me, there was sadness in his eyes and some kind of desperation. 

-I can’t do this Taemin. This is so wrong- He told me with tears rolling down his cheeks. 

-Kai, what is it? why are you acting like this right now? what happened? I thought you were having fun.- He’s having second thought about us. But I can tell that he’s forcing himself to say this words, it’s like he’s trying so hard to stay away.

-we can’t do this, this is so ing messed up- He began to elevate his voice walking a few steps away from me.

-It’s this about me been a man?- I ask. I understood his frustration of finally admitting his attraction to another man, it’s not easy. Kai was silently crying, but it was clear the pain in his eyes. Was he suffering because of me?

-I’m disgusted with my self. I shouldn’t be having this kind of feelings and thoughts about you. I’m ing sick- he said making a disgust face like he was looking at a discompose dead animal. That expression on his face was more that I could handle. I never thought I can make him feel like that. His words were opening a deep wound in me that became to painful even to look at him in the eyes. 

-It’s that how you feel, I guess I should stay away from your sight- I told him with a broken voice. I was trying so hard to keep it together. I turn around hiding my face so he will no see me cry and began to walk away. 

I was trying to walk away as fast as a could, letting the fresh air dry my tears. Out of nowhere I felt someone pulling my harm so fast that it make me look back in a second. Before I could react my lips where connected to Kai’s lips. Kissing me with infuriated desire, holding me so tight in his arms that took me a few seconds to realize what was happening. I didn’t move at first, I didn’t responded to his kiss, I was just frozen in his arms. I could feel his warm tears rolling from his eyes moistening my cheeks. When I finally reacted I begin to move my lips to his demand, parting my lips to let him invade my mouth with his tongue, welcoming the sweet taste of his lips. This kiss wasn’t from someone disgust by a man, this kiss was a scream for possession. I can feel him wanted me, the same way I wanted him. He was pulling me to him from my neck, the same way he did the first time we kissed. That moment I let myself feel the fire and the passion. I wanted to have him, to posses him. This moment he belong to me, and I to him. there is no one else but us. I could feel his hands moving behind my head until one of his hand entwined between my hair and in a split second he pull me hard away from him, tilting my head back. That movement enrage me with passion.

-Stay away from me- He say accentuating every word, making sure that I catch each and every single one of them. And then he hit his lips hard against mine one last time before releasing his grip from my hair and walk away.  

Jongin, 1992

Jongin’s room. The night he disappear.  

I remember the first time I made love to Haru, we had several times after that, but that first time was four months after we start dating, on her birthday. We went out to celebrate with her friends. That night I asked Suho to come along, I knew she wanted to be with all of her friends, which were all girls. So Suho was suppose to make me company while she was hanging with her friends. At the end, Suho was trying to hit on one of her girls, leaving me all by my self. But I didn’t mind. Just by looking at Haru, smiling, and having fun was enough for me. Later she noticed I was actually alone and came over sitting by my side spending more time with me than she actually spend with her friends. I remember we were kissing just like she liked it, long and soft, when then she grab my hand and put it in one of her . That startle me, I never touch her like that before. When I broke the kiss to see her, she was smiling at me, holding my hand in place. 

-Jongin, lets go somewhere else- She said provocatively. I knew exactly what she meant. I took her hand and waited for her to get her purse and we walk out of the place. We were holding hands all the way. I was constantly looking at her to see if she change her mind, but she was just smiling. 

-Are you sure about this?- I asked her one more time. I was prepare to stopped any second, but when she nodded with a smile and excitement in her eyes, I took he inside the hotel. It was a really nice one. I wanted her first time to be as perfect as she probably imagine. That night it was my first time too. I remember that on her birthday, in a beautiful hotel I made sweet and soft love to her, been very careful no to hurt her, and been aware of the moment she decided to stopped, but that moment never came. 

Kai, 2015

Kai’s room

This is agonizing, I feel every cell in my body burning me from inside. It’s this my punishment? this burning desire to have him, and at the same time, my guilty conscience attacking me with the same powerful strength as my desire. There a battle inside me. Two powerful feelings trying to destroy one another for domain. When I was kissing Taemin I felt amazing, there was no guilt just pure satisfaction of having him, breathing the same hair. That moment I was telling him without words how much I wanted to be with him. I was desiring to it all and take him with me. I didn’t care what he could do to me, or what can I do to him, even though I have no idea how that would’d work out for us. All I know was that I wanted to have him so close that I could melt in his body into his. But then, my ing guilt came crawling to me, attacking my senses, but the worst part was that no matter how guilty I felt, I couldn’t get rid of my desire. 

-Dude, are you alright?- Suho’s voice sounded from the other side of the door. 

-Come in- I invite him in. I felt relief to have a moment of distraction. 

-Hey, are you ok man? you seem worry about something- 

-Hyung, I need to talk to someone or I’m going to die here.- I told him sitting up from the bed.

-, you should see yourself, you’re rack. What’s going on.- 

That moment I told Suho everything, from my weird attraction for Taemin, to finally finding Haru, and the shocking news that Taemin is my son. Then I went to the point where I told I kissed Haru that morning and my sickened desire for Taemin, knowingly that my blood runs though his veins. The moment I told everything to Suho I felt some of the weight lift out of my shoulders. I needed to release some of the pressure I was under. 

-Brother, you know I will never judge you. The moment you step into this year you stopped been Jongin, and even destiny change your identity to Kai. You became a new person. You’re not the Jongin that was madly in love with Haru. I think you’re just dragging your the memories of Jongin from 1992 to Kai from 2015. I believe you felt in love again regardless of the gender of that other person. Just let Haru go, she’s not yours anymore. She stopped been yours in 1992. -

 Suho’s words were always wise, he always had a way to tell you the reality of the situation and make you understand the way he truly sees it. He was right. And I think I new the moment I kissed her. When we kis