“You can’t just be there for me and the next second I don’t exist.” 

                                                                                                                                                                         --- JESSICA

 

“Earth to Yuri.” Krystal said snapping her finger in front of Yuri

Yuri blinked and glanced at her “What?” 

“Are you okay?”

Yuri nodded “yeah, just couldn’t sleep well last night” Lie. You slept peacefully last night.

“I’m sorry” out of nowhere Krystal told her

Yuri furrowed her brows suspiciously “Did you do something… bad?”

Krystal chuckled “Of course not… what I meant was, for all the trouble since day 1, especially last night but that’s the trouble I won’t regret”

Yuri grinned at her.

“I know. Too cheesy, trust me, I can’t believe I just said that”

“Aigoo…” Yuri ruffling Krystals’ hair “who knew that you could be this cute…”

“I’m always cute...” Krystal boasts; “but I’m not trying this time… I really am sorry…”

“It has nothing to do with you...” Yuri assured her with a smile. It was Jessica. “And besides, don’t you know? I love troubles especially the one you brings” then wink at her

Krystal’s eyes widened “Are you sick? I think I’m going to puke…” looking at her with distaste “don’t do it again”

“Why…?” Yuri continue chuckling “you do it all the time, why can’t I?”

"Because it doesn’t suit you.”

“And you think you do?"

“Of course! So don’t change the topic. What is it?"

“Nothing, I was just thinking about something..”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, not worth talking about.”

“You were spacing out and you don’t just space out, that’s me” Krystal pointed out “so don’t tell me that it was nothing.” But Yuri answered her with silence and Krystal new she wouldn’t get one.

 

“You okay?” Tiffany asked worriedly looking at her friend lying on bed

“Yeah, I’m just… sleepy, I guess”

“Well you woke up early. I’m actually surprised given that you went out last night. What time did you came in last night? I didn’t see you when I went to bed”

Jessica felt stiff, it’s not like she could tell her that she slept in Yuri’s room without explaining anything and that’s the last thing she needs.

“I’m not sure…” she lied as she brushed her blanket off and step out of bed"

“How did it go?” Tiffany asked cautiously, which Jessica didn’t fail to notice “You went to see Krystal last night, right? To talk about Yuri. Is everything okay last night?”

Jessica paused for a moment “I… I have no idea.”

 

“Are you sick?” Yuri asked worriedly, placing a hand on Skyler’s forehead, feeling her temperature noticing how the little girl’s mood had suddenly become quiet.

“I’m sad…” Sky answered with those innocent puppy eyes

“Why?” Yuri asked, focusing her eyes on her

“Because you’re sad…” Making Yuri fell silent for a moment

 “W-what? I’m not sad. How can I be sad when this cute little girl is in front of me” cupping the little girls face softly “How can someone feel sad looking at this?”

 “Sister says that if someone you love feel sad, you’ll feel sad too. That’s why I’m sad because you’re sad and I love you…” Sky answered innocently which made Yuri tear up, how something like that came from a girl in her age.

Yuri smiles at her “I’m not sad, so don’t feel sad, because if you feel sad then I’ll be sad too”

“I won’t be sad. I don’t want you to be sad”

“I know…” Yuri smiles a again

“Then why do you look sad?”

“Do I?”

Skyler nodded innocently

“I don’t thi---“

 “You’re not supposed to lie to someone you love, you love me right?”

Yuri couldn’t help but chuckled “Of course, I do. I love you very much.”

“Then you shouldn’t lie to me...”

“Are you sure you’re 8? Why do I feel like you’re a lot older than me?”               

“I’m only 8. I’m not lying to you because I love you” Which made Yuri broke into smile for the umpteenth time

“I know that you do…” She said tapping the little girl’s nose softly “I’m not sad or anything, I’m just… It’s just something happened and I don’t really know what to do or how do I go about it”

 

“Yuri?” A surprised Taeyeon asked seeing Yuri in front of their house at 11pm.

“Hey”

“It’s already late, what are you doing here?”

“Thank you for taking care of me last night, don’t you think you should say that first? I could actually get in trouble, you know”

“I know, I’m sorry” Taeyeon apologize “Thank you for bringing me home last night, but can you please not ever do that again”

“What? Bringing you home? Should I have left you there?”

“Trust me, I really appreciate you did. Not leaving me in the dorm. It’s just that, drunk driving is worse than the members seeing me inside the dorm dead drunk”

“Its fine, I’m kind of used to it…” Yuri bragged as if it’s a feat to do drunk driving

“Yah! Don’t you ever think about driving if you have even a pint of alcohol in your body”

“Should I just sleep anywhere then? I kind of drink everywhere”

“Then just call me, I’ll go wherever you are…” Taeyeon said but more like a promise

“I’ll think about it…” Yuri smiled “Anyway, the reason I came here is to collect for what you owe me last night”

Taeyeon looked at her confusedly “Please tell me I didn’t borrow money from you”

“You actually did...”

Taeyeon cursed which made Yuri laughed “How much?”

“Enough to give me a room for tonight”

Taeyeon looked at her suspiciously “And here I thought I’m not your type. When did you start liking me huh?”

“You wish.”

Taeyeon sighed “The only thing I can give you is friendship…”

 “I don’t need your friendship; a room is what I need”

“Why are you so mean?” Taeyeon asked as Yuri just smiled at her “Fine, My parents won’t be here until tomorrow morning but I’m sure they’ll be more than happy to have you here” Then leads Yuri to the guest room and while on their way Taeyeon asked “Who is it?”

“Who is it what?” Yuri asked but continues her tracks

“Is it Jessica?” This made Yuri stops and looked at Taeyeon “Why? You wouldn’t have come here if it’s nothing serious, and there was no one in that house that can actually made you not go home besides her, so don’t look at me like it wasn’t obvious”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” Yuri shrugged off as she starts her tracks again followed by Taeyeon

“Seeing your reaction, of course you know exactly what I’m talking about.” Then her gaze change in a serious manner “I know that this shouldn’t come from me given that I moved out and basically isolating myself from everyone but we’re a team you know. You probably hate the word team but that’s we are”

“I didn’t fight with her or with anyone.” Yuri assured her

“Then I won’t ask why you’re here” Taeyeon said “Make sure you stay for breakfast”

“I’ll think about it. Thank you for letting me in”

“You’re welcome here all the time,” Taeyeon giving her a smile “and also…”

“What?”

“Do you want extra service?”

“Get lost”

“I can totally do extra service” She chuckled as Yuri closed the door

 

 

“Hey….” Sunny greeted as soon as Taeyeon opened the door of her room. They finish their Japan concert few hours ago.

“Oh, hey…” Taeyeon greeted back

“I was on my way when the manager called and says that you and Yuri are still here, the others are already at the bar so I was wondering if you’d like to go together.” She trailed off on that last word; she and Taeyeon haven’t been exactly in a speaking terms ever since she and Taeyeon had an argument

Taeyeon paused for a moment “Uh, no…”

Sunny flinched for a second then nodded “ah, alright… I’ll see you there then…” she was about to leave when Taeyeon called her

“Sunny…”

“Yeah?”

“If you still feel bad about what happened last time, don’t be…” Taeyeon said, noticing how her best friend had been so careful around her to the point that she’d lower her head around her “I understand and I knew for sure that you’re just worried about me…”

“I’m sorry…”

Taeyeon smiled as she gave Sunny a hug “I know…”

“Does this mean we’d go together now?” Sunny asked, hugging Taeyeon back

Taeyeon pulled from the hug “what I meant earlier was I’m---“

“You’re not coming?”

Taeyeon hesitated, knowing the answer wasn’t going to make Sunny or anyone happier, “No…”

 

 

“Sunny-ah!” Sooyoung waved her hand to Sunny as soon as saw her “here!”

“Hey.” Sunny said as she settled herself beside Hyoyeon and others

“The manager said that you might go with Taeyeon” Hyoyeon said “Is she with you?” as everyone paid attention to her

“No.” She answered shortly, and everyone’s mood has visibly run down.

 

After a few minutes of long dead silence, Tiffany stood up.

“Where are you going?” Jessica asked, seeing the sadness on her friends face, as everyone looked at her

“I’m going to talk to Taeyeon”

“What?!” Everyone all asked in unison

“Let’s talk it out calmly, okay” It was Hyoyeon who stood in front of Tiffany

“I have been thinking about this for a long time now and I…” She paused

“It wasn’t your fault Tiff” It was Sunny “It was no one’s”

“I know it wasn’t mine, I have been telling that to myself ever since that night and yet for some reason I feel like that it was” She says as tears touched her eyes “Everyone’s losing her because of me.”

“Hey, listen to me…” It was Jessica this time, as she squeezed her Tiffany’s hand lightly “Nobody’s losing anyone.”

“Yes there is.” As her tears drop “I am losing her”

 

Taeyeon closed the door, then headed to the bathroom and took a shower. Then crawled into her bed and tried to catch some sleep. But the certainty that Tiffany is going to feel guiltier that she’s ditching everyone again, combined with the fact that what Sunny told her that night was right, that she is driving everyone away, pretty much ensured that sleep was something she wouldn’t find.

After an hour of tossing and turning Taeyeon gave up and got up. She put on a coat to ward off the chill of the night then headed outside.

 

“Kwon Yuri, I know you’re in there” Taeyeon said as she knocked on Yuri’s room “I won’t leave here until you open this door.” She says but she’s already praying that Yuri would open her door and not pretend that she doesn’t hear Taeyeon the moment she stepped out of her room. And as if God had heard her prayer, Yuri opened the door with of course, a frown.

 

“Stop with the frown, we’re going to party!”

Yuri stared at her, expressionless

“Have you forgotten? We have a victory party for today’s concert”

“And?”

“Come on, it’s our party. We should be there”

“In case you haven’t notice, I never attended that kind of party and I have no intention to do so” as she starts closing her door

“Wait, wait, waittt!” Taeyeon stops before Yuri could slam the door on her face “I’m not supposed to use this but you’re forcing me, you owe me and I will collect the payment now”

Yuri’s brow furrowed “Me? Owe you?”

“You only asked one night for what I owe you, and I let you stay for 6 more days” Taeyeon explained “And since I am a good person, one payment for those 6 days”

“You didn’t let me stay, your mother did”

  My mother means me…” Taeyeon argue “Are you going to pay or not?”

 

“This is great!” Yoona said squealing like a little girl as soon as she got to their seats “You are not going to believe this! I saw T---“ Then stops as soon as she realized the mood “O…kay, why is everyone looks like we are on a funeral and not to a party?” but nobody answered her, then sits beside Seohyun who’s face cannot be painted “Did I miss something?”

“Tiffany unnie…” Seohyun mumbled

“Tiffany-unnie? Where is she anyway?” Yoona asked looking around “Also, Sica-unnie too?”

“She left.” Seohyun answered

“I guess Sica-unnie really can’t take Yuri-unnie’s presence, thinking that she would left” Yoona said weakly “I thought Fany-unnie will be happy if Taeyon-unnie comes”

“It would’ve been great if the two of them comes but they’re both a lost cause now” It was Sooyoung, comforting her

Yoona’s forehead furrows “Am I drunk? Do I look like I’m drunk?”

Sooyoung looked at her weirdly “Are you drunk?”

“No, I’m not.” Yoona answered “then why did I see Yuri-unnie at the front door just now?”

“Are you sure?!”

Yoona nodded “Isn’t it the reason why Fany-unnie left? Because Taeyeon-unnie is here too”

“WHAT?!” Everyone screaming at her, even Sunny who hasn’t said a word since Tiffany had left

“She’s here? You mean here? Right now? As in right now?” Sooyoung asked continuously

“I just said that, didn’t I? They’re both here”

 

Without saying a word, Sunny had left her seat and run towards the entrance

 

“Come on, cheer up” Taeyeon said seeing how Yuri’s face is still expressionless

“My payment was to come down here with you; it didn’t include me cheering up”

“And here I thought you like drinking”

“I do but not in the crowd. At least when you’re alone, there’s no drama or any complications that’ll rise from everyone in this room.”

“For someone who hates complications, you sure know how to find yourself in headlines which beg the questions how d---“

“Don’t…” Yuri cut her off “Just because I’m playing nice with you doesn’t mean that we’re more than what we are before”

Taeyeon paused for moment, taken aback maybe. Yuri was right, she’s been playing nice this past week more than she did for the past 5 years but she can’t just assume that she can call her a “friend” now and if Sunny couldn’t be more perfect on her timing. She came just in time to break the awkwardness and the tension that built within seconds.

 

“Hey you two!” Sunny said cheerfully seeing them “you have no idea how great it is to see you two here!”

“Why don’t you stop there before you start crying on us” Taeyeon chuckling seeing how her best friend looks like a child who just got her favorite candy

“No, I’m not!”

“You sure? Because you were almost crying when I said no earlier” She teased grinning “Or you did?”

“That’s not true!” Sunny argue then Yuri walked past them

“Yuri, wait!” it was Taeyeon

“What’s with her?”

“A period.” Taeyeon joked that made both of them laughed

“Anyway, it’s really great that you were able to dragged her here without a fight involve”

“I’m a great negotiator.”

“You’re an awful negotiator” Sunny said in-fact “So tell me, what card you used, maybe I could use it too”

“Not a chance” Taeyeon said “And besides I don’t think there is anything we can use to actually threaten her to smile and honestly, I would’ve begged her on my knees if she didn’t took my pathetic reason”

“I’m actually surprised to hear that you didn’t, I would be down on my knees as soon as she opened her doors”

“Can you believe it if I said that she practically told me that we are not friends after she comes down here with me even if she knew why?”

Sunny smile “Did I ever tell you that I hurt my ankle before and I do not want anyone to worry so I bear with it?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Taeyeon asked worriedly as if Sunny’s still hurt “When was that?”

“That doesn’t matter”

“Well it matters to me, you were always there for me and I can’t eve---“

“It’s okay…” Sunny assured her with a smile “You weren’t really in the position to worry about anyone during that time, I understand”

“I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you, I promise” she said smiling

“I know…” Sunny smiles at her “you’re here now… and the reason I told you that is because Yuri helped me during those times, she actually put a bandage on me right after I called her things I can’t be proud.”

“I wouldn’t have believed it if you had told me that weeks ago…” Taeyeon said

“Well, I can’t still believe it myself but she did…” Sunny smiled “She’s a lot of things and I never really know what goes on inside her head but she is a good person no matter how hard she acts like she isn’t”

“That I don’t doubt” Taeyeon said smiling, looking at Yuri who’s now sitting in front of the bar tender drinking her 5^th, or 7^th glass maybe

“As much as I’d love to join your company, I don’t want those six girls to get jealous”

“Yeah, tell me about it.” Taeyeon said smiling, remembering how the girls have a “possessive’ tendency especially Tiffany “I should go before I ended up being Yuri’s baby sitter”

 

“Unnie, they won’t join us?” Yoona asked as soon as Sunny came back to their table

“You know how shy Yuri can be” Sunny joked as she saw Tiffany and Jessica back “Thank God, you’re here”

“Well, I was just in time before they could walk out the door” Sooyoung said “And they didn’t believe me at first, can you believe that?”

“You’re not really the trustful type” It was Hyoyeon

“Yah!”

“If you really want to talk her, I don’t think it’s the right time” Sunny said to Tiffany who locks her eyes the moments she saw her

“I might have to agree to that…” Hyoyeon said as everyone agrees

“Just give her time Tiff…” Sunny said seeing the worries on Tiffany’s face “She’s doing great, I promise. So why don’t we enjoy the night and celebrate the fact that not only Taeyeon comes tonight but also Yuri…”

“I hate her…” It was Jessica

“Come on Jess, I know it’s hard for you but will you give her a break, just this one time, at least for coming tonight.”

“I hate her the most”

 

“Hey, hey, hey… take it slow will you” Taeyeon said to Yuri emptying another glass again

“Isn’t that what we’re here for?”

“I know but we haven’t been here for an hour and you already drink oceans of it, you’ll pass out” Taeyeon explained “and you can’t pass out on me…”

“If it’s hard for you to come here then you shouldn’t have, they will understand”

“I know that they will, I just… I saw the look on Sunny’s face earlier and I just want to make up with them…”

“And how dragging me here exactly is making up with them?”

“I want to celebrate with them, just not “with” them” She explained

“And that’s where I come in, your excuse. I can’t believe I’m allowing myself to get used like this”

“For the record, I’m not using you, you’re paying” Taeyeon stated “and besides, you knew exactly why I asked you to come and you did”

“I’m here for what I owe. Nothing else”

Taeyeon smiled which Yuri notice

“What?” with her brows furrowed

“Thank you…”

Yuri frown “Drunk already?”

“Not yet.” Then smile again “Trust me, you would know when I am” then took a sip of beer her hand “I heard what you did for Sunny back then when she hurt her ankle and for all those times that I’ve been a y friend to her...”

“Then you owe me now”

“No. God knows what kind of payment you’d ask next time.” Taeyeon chuckled “But I’ll treat you another round next time, in a quieter place.”

 “Let’s invite Sunny next time, so I won’t have to baby sit you”

Taeyeon laughed “You know, each time we went for a drink, we only talk about one thing, one person to be precise or should I say I only talk about one thing and she just listen, each and every time, I never realized how much burden I’m putting on her” as she stops “or what’s going on about her…”

 

------

 

“I’m drunk…”

 “I’m not drunk are what drunken people say” Yuri said downing another glass again"

“That’s true but they also say weird things like… How do you move forward from something that took all of you?”

 

“You pretend…”

 

 

Taeyeon’s POV

 

“You pretend…” Yuri said. I didn’t really expect her to say something or to even listen; I just said it because I really needed to say it or else I might explode.

 

“You just pretend…” She repeats, she repeats with no emotions. She says it without hesitation, as if she was so confident that it was correct answer.

They said eyes are the window to the soul but I don’t believe it at least not when it comes to Yuri. Her eyes are just eyes. It was always blank every time, every second. Even when we won, at concert, there was nothing.

But tonight was different, I saw her eyes flickered and it appeared. It wasn’t that hard to recognize what emotions are radiating from her eyes, at least not to me, for it was I am entirely familiar. Pain.

 

 “You just pretend even if the person who shares your life with is gone. Even when the person who makes you looks forward even when you’re in hell, Even the person you dream your future with is gone.” She picked up his glass, twirl it around his fingers

“You pretend even if that one person you call home is gone. She’s gone and all that’s left of you is pain, pain that become more and more unbearable and unimaginable every second and you don’t know what to do or how to stop it because that one person who makes everything okay is gone and no matter how hard you cry, how hard you pray, nothing can ever bring back her to your side”

“Because sometimes…” She stops as if she’s taking all the strength she has on her “when you lose someone, you lose them forever…”

“And there was nothing else left to do but to pretend because even dying has become part of you, so you just pretend that everything is okay and maybe one day it does.”   

 

Before I knew it, my eyes tears up. It was too painful I could feel myself hurting. 

And that answers my question about Kwon Yuri all these years, the answer to all the why’s.  

 

End of POV

 

 

“I’ll go to washroom” Jessica said as she stood up

“Do you want me to come with you?” Tiffany asked noticing how much Jessica had drink already

“No, it’s fine… I’ll be quick...” Tiffany was going to say something but Jessica had left already

 

“Is she okay?” Sooyoung asked glancing at Jessica then back to Tiffany “I think we should follow her, she could barely walk…”

“I don’t know…” Tiffany answered, looking worriedly at Jessica’s “maybe she and Tyler fought again”

Hyoyeon nodded “Well, if she’s like that, it’s obviously Tyler”

“She doesn’t want to talk about it so I don’t want to insist. You know her; She’ll talk about it if she’s ready…”

“Ahh, right!” it was Sooyoung “what’s with the, “I hate her the most” earlier? Did Yuri do something too much this time?”

Tiffany shakes her head “No idea…”

“Might be because little Jung and Yuri really is ‘dating’” Sooyoung said in amusement “you know how much Jessica hates Yuri already, right? I can’t imagine how much she hates her this time, now that’s she’s dating Krystal”

“Are they dating???” Yoona screamed “For real???? Wow!! Daebak! I’m having goose bumps”

“Don’t you guys feel the same?” Sooyoung added “I mean, what explanation there could be?”

“If Jessica hears you, you’ll get killed this time” Hyoyeon warned her “She almost killed you last time you joked that they’re probably dating…”

“That is why it’s called a joke but it might not be”

“Forget about getting killed, it’ll be murder”

 

 

Yuri splashes cold water on her face as she look at her reflection on the mirror.

“Are you seeing me right now?...Of course you do and you’d probably hit me a thousand times already” She chuckled “You’d already probably kill me with your bear hand if you’re physically witnessing all the mess that I’m doing, I drunk drive, I started tossing phone’s of other people, I did and said things that hurt people, I become the worst version of myself” as her eyes starts getting teary “I feel so lost without you..” the tears dropped from her eyes “I am lost without you, I miss you so much...” As she clutch her chest

Yuri was staring at her reflection on the mirror for a good three minutes when the door of the rest room swung open, making her back to her senses.

She quickly gets her head down and splash water on her face, removing any hint of tears. She raised her head up and that’s when she realized who just walked in, it was no other than Jessica Jung.

“What are you doing here?”

Yuri didn’t look at her, just finished washing her face then tore off some paper towel to dry them “Am I not allowed to be here?”

“Yes…”

Yuri paused for a moment and she doesn’t feel good already. She dumped the paper in the bin as she looked at Jessica. “Well you didn’t have to come here to tell me to leave; I’m actually on my way” She tried to kept a straight face but she could feel the cold sweat forming already, she’s starting to get nervous. She has to get the hell out.

 

“Why did you do it?”

 

Jessica had only asked one question and thoughts starts running through Yuri’s mind. The anxiousness and panic had started to take over. It’s as if she was in courts trial and the crime that she did had just come to light and there’s no way out.

 

Yuri manages to give Jessica her infamous expressionless face despite the nerve-wracking moment. “Whatever I do is none of your damn business” she said as cold and hard as she could, then starts to move her feet as fast as she could, not in hell she’d wait for another word that’ll come to Jessica.

And just when she thought she’d escape, Jessica had grabbed her arm before she could fully walk away. “Then you shouldn’t have done that…” she stops and Yuri could feel her hands getting tighter on her arm. She could jerk Jessica’s arm off easily and leave but she couldn’t. She doesn’t want to look but she couldn’t help it, so she did.

“You shouldn’t have done that…” Jessica said as soon as they’re eyes met, her voice was cold but if her eyes were something to go by, it’s different “Why did you do it?”

And at the moment Yuri’s mind was a total blank.

“Why didn’t you just stay still like you always do, why didn’t you just shrugged your shoulder, why didn’t you just pretend that you don’t hear or see anything,” her voice cracked, almost begging. Then let go of Yuri’s arm. “Why did you have to pretend and act like you care? Why of all times did you choose to act like you care on my most vulnerable moment? Tell me why! “

Yuri swallowed hard; she could feel drying even when she’s not saying anything. She stood there, thinking what words she should say that could possibly answered her question but her mind totally went blank.

“Do you have any idea how I kept rummaging my brain up for answers on why because maybe if I knew I would stop feeling something I shouldn’t have in the first place!

“I wanted answers and you are only one who could give it to me but you were always gone. Do you really hate me that much? That you had to stay out ever since what happen? Do you know why I knew, because I kept waiting for you every damn time!”

               

Yuri clenched her fist, she knows she had to say something but what could she possibly say at this exact moment? Was it, I didn’t mean to do it? I pity you? I’m just trying to be helpful? I’m sorry? She doesn’t know.

 

“Do you have any idea how crazy it makes me feel that I feel sad, feel hurt every time you ignored me like I wasn’t there? Do you have any idea how crazy it makes me feel that just thinking that you were only pretending that you care makes me tear up?”

 

Yuri’s eyes flickered, which Jessica notice.

Jessica makes a dry laugh “Don’t tell me you didn’t expect that? Because a part of me tells me that the only reason why you did what you did was so you could get this reaction and now you got it. Are you happy now? I always knew you were a bad person but I never thought you’re much worse than I thought you are until you played me and me up like this!”

 

“Jessica…” Yuri finally manages to let out something from , as Jessica met her gaze, waiting. But as if she already forgot every word there is, she could not say anything and just looked down.

“You know what the worst part is? Is that I’m still hoping that I was wrong, that you would tell me that I was wrong but you’re not even denying anything.”

 

“I’m sorry, I d---“

“You don’t get to say sorry!” Jessica cut her off, she starts pounding her balled fist on Yuri’s chest, “You can’t just be there and next second you’re gone, you can’t just pull someone in an embrace and the next day it’s a cold shoulder.“ As if that pound had took all her strength away, she leaned her head on Yuri’s shoulder, then tears slowly run down her face “You can’t just be there for me and the next second I don’t exist.”