2015.06.08 SoJung

Weight- 107lbs

Height- 5'5 and 1/2 inch

I am really scared now. What's going to happen at the clinic? They bloody search through every nook and cranny in everything you brought, and there is also close super vision. Well, let's start ALL THE WAY BACK to two days ago, to my appointment...

I drank one sip of water that morning. Minutes after taking my hat off before entering the Emily Program building, I kept on asking my mum 'Is there a red mark on my forehead?' Every time, she would say 'Just a bit.' 'Well it will fade off a bit later, then...' I always lose weight before a doctors appointment, because I am constantely weighed.

We got into the elavator- enough to barely fit twelve people. Floor 1. 2. 3. The doors slide open at once, and we are greated with a sign on the wall, a big orange swirl as a logo. 'The Emily Program- Room 330.' My mum and I turned to the left. I kept on thinking to myself 'Do people live here? Is this where people get admitted to?' No. Later on, I found out that I was wrong. We enter the tall glass door with the same orange logo. The room was huge. HUGE. Super nice, though... it was K-drama worthy. Kind of. We were the only ones in there. Good, because I was nervous to see anyone else with with the same story. 'You too?' Is probably all we would say. We know how we both got here.

"Are you SoJung?" A lady said, sitting at the front desk.

"Neh..."

"Hello, SoJung. Welcome to the Emily Program." So, I guess this is it- this is the start of it all. Is this what people call the Road to Recovery? We shook hands, and I sat down in a waiting chair. I felt so shrunken in them. The lady gave my mum five sheets of forms and a clip board and a pen. My mum walked over nervously for some reason. "Here... you need to sign your name on all of these sheets." I did so, and handed them back to her. I also had to fill out the questions- Would you let your parents know about the things said in Therapy? NO. Are you seeking residental treatment? MAYBE.  Are you comfortable with talking and recieving help at home? NO. And so on.

Thirty minutes later, a lady with short brown hair wearing a dark navy blue shift dress and blue 'Toms' wedges walked over to me from the scary hallway. "Hi, SoJung! I am HyunJung. I will be your therapist throughout your recovery with the Emily Program. We are going to ask you to take some surveys we like to call 'Testings...' It just questions you about eating, trauma, self harm, relationships, school..." She says this very quietly, even though my mum and I are the only ones in there... Wow, the flowers in here really smell like bakery cookies... the American kind with the thick food colouring frosting that is usually white or pink... it could really trigger someone. Also, none of the magazines here had anything to do with food or models. No people were on the covers, just bloody... houses and traveling.

"So, please go over to the desk area and just sit anywhere. There are pencils and erasers, and please, take your time."

"Thank you." I slightly bowed my head and walked over. Through out the testing, one of the nurses had to check on me to see if I  was not cutting my wrist with the corner of the desk  was alright.

Do you feel like food is the only thing you think about?

YES.

Do you feel that you would be happier and be more successful if your weight changed?

IF IT GOES DOWN, YES.

Have you experienced any trauma in your past life that could have been your cause to visit the Emily Program?

YES.

Do you feel like you lose control when you binge?

YES.

The questions are the same. Every. Time.

Minutes later, I am done. HyunJung calls me into a small room to start the appointment.

I sit down on the small sofa and look around. The only thing about food here- a colored-in coloring book picture of cupcakes. Pink. Purple. Blue. On the bookshelf, there were books about illnesses of every kind. Almost Anorexic. Understanding Bulimia Nervosa. Winter Girls (I READ THAT). Living with B.E.D. Sharing The Secret film (I WATCHED THAT).. There were so many...

HyunJung asked me about what type of music I like. I brought up Epik High, and I told her the song 'One.' "Not born hater, haha... that has a lot of swearing..." She laughs it off and presses play.

Time is ticking, t-time is tickin

Time is tickin, t-time is tickin

Away~

"Wow... I can really tell why someone would like this...!"

She watched about half the video, well into the first chorus. "You are the one..."

A minute later, she checked my weight, but I was not aloud to see it. My height was measured 5'5 1/2. "Almost 5'6!" Oh my god, what am I going to do if I get any taller...!?

The conversation started with- who guessed it- my intake.

"Well... last month I was having less than 600 a day, no fat, carbs, I cut out most dairy, and I am vegeterian... and no caloric drinks. No matter what I ate, where I was, I would purge in a bathroom. I know it is only 600, but I still cannot keep that in me... Now, I have far less than 200... An apple in the morning, one vitamin, half a handful of berries at lunch, and watermelon in the afternoon. I never eat anything near dinner time. Maybe water. Of course I have like one tall glass before I eat anything..."

"And you've been eating like that for... five months now? This is your third relapse?"

"Yes..."

Everything from that appointment is just so bloody vivid... but I kept what Tablo said at the concert in my head...

'High Skool, we will always be there. Don't be afraid of change. Everything will be alright, believe in us, and we believe in you. Things will change.'

[Encore just came on Pandora... BUT I ONLY GOT A TAN I'M GOOD! Such a great song.]

"Yeah, that was my number too... when I was struggling with my eating disorder, my number was 600."

No. Way.

'What the raining skies want to tell you is that you are not the only one like that...'

Not the only one like that...

Not the only one like that.

What she said next would probably change my life forever.

"You know, less than 100 a day... you eat less than a Holocaust victim. You do more excersize and stuff, as well... they were starved too."

A. Holocaust. Victim??

Moments later, she saw me sitting and glaring into space, and she asked me if there was anything else to say. "Come on, I know there's something going on." So, I told her. It took a moment to process everything, and it was hard with the lump in my throat, but I told her. I told her about my friends' passing, the coma, the fight, losing friends in SeWol, from DanWon High where I was going to transfer, two classmate suicides. She took it all in, but nothing like she has ever heard before. She let out another sad sigh. She asked how old my friends were, and I told her. "At the time, 13, 14, 16, 15, 14, and 17." Some of them were the same age.

We called my mum in later, and she told her about the residental program nearby, and what insuraces take it. "Since yours does not, I suggest calling another insurance company." We got out of the room about ten minutes of talking about the clinic. There was only one person in the lobby, and it was a girl. She looked extremely drained, and tired. Exhausted. Brown hair, baggy pajama-like clothes, and she had her eyes closed. She looked about seventeen years old. One of the ladies at the counter was cutting the 'bakery' flowers. I can tell she previously had Anorexia. Most of the nurses here used to have eating disorders. But... why do I find myself becoming jealous when I see people like that? People that have the willpower and thoughts to go on?

But, I know better than this. I want to get better. I am tired of looking at websites everyday looking at photos of collarbones and incaved stomachs. I am tired of living off of 70 calories a day. I cannot stand the cold and tired feeling anymore. I am tired of my grades falling.

An hour later after discussing with the nurse that I need to have some rice and beans at dinner time, my mum and I went over downtown to the store. I picked out a small bag of apples and a half cup container serving mix of strawberries, blueberries, and blackberries. But, I walked to the car trying to calculate everything. If I have this, how much rice and beans should I have later on... how much excersize...?

I put a strawberry in my mouth when I got to the car, and I felt like I was going to die. But, my mum gave me the look. "It's okay." Lovescream by Epik High came on Pandora and I slowly finished the berries. It took one hour.