13-02-13 Letter No. 7

Dear Kyuhyun,

I have been thinking about how some things affect us more than others. Some poems, some songs, some moments, they touch our hearts without our knowing. Sometimes our eyes get filled with tears when watching some films. It’s not because of grief, but something else. The moments when tears come because of joy, my wish is to have more of them in my life.

Last day I was talking with Yunho and he mentioned about how you had become so thin these days. I think so too. Where is all that food you eat going?

Today I want to talk about a friend of mine, Donghae. Perhaps out of all the friendships I have had this is the best till now, the one person who knows me the most. You told how she is so naive once, she is I guess but she is quite intelligent and mature too. You know how much I love to talk, not about me but about you guys and she is the one who sits and listens to all that. Any feeling, any emotion that I feel I tell to her, because I can’t hide anything from her.

She is like a pillar of strength to me. I may always look like a bubbly talkative girl, but the sadness that is hidden by this mask, only she knows that. I have a doubt though. The way she is always there for me and gives me support, have I been able to be for her the same way? I love her so much, care for her so much but I don’t know how much of it she ‘feels’.

Let me stop then, got to study for tomorrow’s exam.

Regards

Sungmin

27-03-03

They had no class for few days so Sungmin decided to go home for a while. Most of her classmates were going too. The day seemed cheerful to Sungmin. In class she had talked to Kyuhyun a bit after many days of not talking much. They told their good byes at the end of the class and Sungmin went to the dorm to pack up for the trip.

I should probably head to the Central Library on the way and take some books. I’m probably going to get bored at home. The Central Library of their campus was a huge building surrounded by flush vegetation. Sungmin liked going there; the reading atmosphere and the books gave a calm feeling. Keeping the bags on the shelf Sungmin  entered the library. She was entering her name on the register when she spotted a name few names above hers.

Kyuhyun

She went to the novels section and true enough Kyuhyun was there browsing through a book. Sensing someone approaching him his head shot up and Sungmin was met with one of the most breathtaking smiles she had seen.

‘Hey Sungmin,’

‘Hey’

‘I thought I will take some books since I’m going home’

‘Yeah, me too’

After that both of them continued their search, Sungmin in the English books section and Kyuhyun in the Korean. Silence ensued but it was a comfortable one.

‘Um, Kyuhyun’

‘Yes?’

‘I was thinking of reading some Korean books, you know to improve my Korean. But I don’t know which ones are good. Can you suggest some?’

‘Oh, sure, wait a minute ok?’

Kyuhyun then proceeded to browse through the shelves and found some books for Sungmin, good but also easy enough to read.

‘Thanks a lot Kyuhyun’

‘Oh it’s not much, lets leave then shall we?’

‘Yes’

They traveled together to the town, from where they boarded the respective trains to their homes.

27-03-13 Letter no. 8

Dear Kyuhyun,

It’s the first time I’m writing a letter sitting at home, today’s the day we met at the library.

I mentioned in a letter before how close I’m with my mother. I love my mom most in this world. I can’t even think about life without her, even just thinking about that can bring tears to my eyes. And now I’m scared about that. My mom is already a pale and frail person. Her blood count is low, she also has cholesterol of about 270. And now adding to that some decaying has occurred in teeth and the infection had spread above to one side of her face and now she is getting treatment for it. She is advised to take rest and can’t speak now because of that. I only came to know about it when I arrived at home.

I know when we think, she doesn’t have any deadly disease and all. But don’t know why I feel like I will lose her suddenly someday. I want to tell someone about this so I told you.

It’s been a while since I wrote. I want to write earlier but the circumstances weren’t in favor.

Unexpected meetings have always some special fun in them. I wanted to get more close to you but I don’t know how. Sometimes I wish I was a bit more like Hae or Tiffany. You talk so casually with them.

But I don’t have that humor sense. Though there is a lot to tell I can’t seem to tell them. Today after class I felt a relief when you talked to me for a bit and waved me good bye. Sometimes we wish for some events to occur as such but the meeting at the library today was really out of the blue. It took me only a moment to notice your name on the register. Your smile is really beautiful. There is an honesty in it. When I see you, I can feel a smile blossoming in my face too.

Kyuhyun, let me be forward with you. I like you, but it’s not in a romantic way (Sungmin mentions it this way because she thinks its only a crush and also her situation in not in her favor, look back on the story please if you have any doubt of how Sungmin has decided to handle her feelings). I want to be a person in your life, I want you as a close friend of mine. I won’t ask more than that, and I won’t wish for more than that. I don’t know how much of this you can understand. Just want to say, I care a lot for you. Can’t I be a best friend of yours? Won’t you open your heart to me once?

Regards

Sungmin

Right here waiting for you…

Even though I have stopped the letter it feels like something remains unsaid.

30-03-2013 – Sungmin’s another diary entry which she keeps with the letters.

I kind of feel not good at all without any specific reason. Actually I think I know the reason or I suspect that’s the reason but my mind refuses to admit to it though my heart pleads it’s the reason.

That day, that moment in the library, it weaved some magic. For a while, I felt a confidence that I had never felt before. My heart was asking me, literally begging me to reveal everything to him. And I made plans in mind for a meeting. Thought it over and over again about how well I can make it. But now the blackboard is blank, somebody rubbed off my confidence. I feel empty, hollow, incomplete. For a moment I believed he would understand me. But now only a question remains, will he? What caused this transformation in me? From someone who was ready to jump to someone who is frightened to even look down the cliff.

Just now, my parents came to talk to me. Dad did the most talking. I think I’m lucky to have them both. They gave me freedom. They taught me to fly and didn’t hold me back when I soared higher. God bless them.

30-03-2013 Letter no. 9

Dear Kyuhyun,

What is the value of these letters with no reply? Some randomly scribbled words, descriptions about events happened at some point of time, sentences with no idea in them – these made up my writing then. But now it’s changed. Now there is a life in my words, an aim, though I can’t pinpoint what it is exactly there is still an aim. Thinking in that sense these letters are really precious to me.

Till when would I write? There is no point in that question. Because I will always have thinks to say. With each little movement of the clock’s needle, new things are born.

What this writer needs now is a little inspiration, and more than that a little consolation. But I would never blame you for the way I’m feeling because you don’t know all this. I don’t have the courage to show these letters to you. What would happen if you misunderstand me? At least in this silence there is hope, hope that someday you will become a close friend of mine.

Regards

Sungmin