Crusty Love

When I see your smile that isn’t meant for me..

I just realize it’s already too late for us.

Chapter 13: It’s a cruel pain

Love is a bad memory
Love is a hurt memory

When will things be okay?
When will the sun rise again?
Are all farewells this… Love is love only when it hurts
- Jessica

Since the day she had been left.. she knew all the whole thing clearly.. It may have been the last time that she had given her love a chance but things had been destroyed. She was hopeless, and made a decision to move on. She was sure to herself, although it will give her much pain, she needs to be strong on purpose, deleting all memory here.

Once, Mrs. Lee looked at her own niece or daughter-in-law all along since the day when she had come to her house at the midnight and asked for stay for a moment. The girl didn’t want to go back to her own husband’s home so early because she needed some times to be alone. She didn’t want to talk to anyone, beside her aunt. She felt warm when she backed home, and saw her aunt as still her aunt not mother-in-law or Mr. Evil like before. However, Mr. Lee would always be her only relative here whom she could depend on.

At that night, Mr. Lee had seen her tear and it had been the first time she had seen her own niece cry. She hadn’t been able to reject, as letting her here with a please. Some thoughts, maybe her niece got a fight to her husband; that why she became a crying baby like this.

Sica looked like a dead body which was soulless. The way she ate, walked and slept, she seemed not caring about the stuffs around her.

Mr. Lee asked her to rest for the school for a while but she would never ask her problems. Just, she was waiting Sica to tell her by herself. She also let Luhan know if his wife currently stayed at her home, so he didn’t need to worry.

At that night, Sooyeon hugged a few pillows and walked to knock the door of Mrs. Lee’s room to ask for accompany to sleep. In her eyes, Mrs. Lee was alike her mother. Even sometimes she was cruel to her with some bad words she didn’t leave her as her selfish parents whom had left their own kids.

“Auntie…” Jessica was in darkness, sitting against her back with the pillow began talk at the first time.

“What’s matter, my dear kid?” it was the first time, Sica felt that her sweet voice was warm like a mother.

Sica slowly leaned her head on her shoulder and continued what was in her mind for a long time.

“What are the difference between boyfriend and husband? I want to know how you feel to Mr. Xi and your present boyfriend.”

“……………” Mrs. Lee was silent for a moment and took a sigh before she said something.

“The feeling with boyfriend is much better than husband… reminding you felt like it’s your first love and boyfriend will always let you fall for him every moment. He would love giving surprising moment, asking you if you are okay and noticing you all the action you do every day. Staying with boyfriend, you would talk a lot and share a lot of many problems of yours to him… That is beautiful feeling.. somehow, between boyfriend and girlfriend, you would think of the negative point to let you break up in one day. Girls mostly scare if their boyfriend separate… Sometimes, boyfriend will not trust you that much because he thinks you are still stranger for him..”

“……………” Sica was silent and only blinked to her aunt.

“But husband is different. He will not ask you anything if you are okay, stalk you or whatever.. because all what in your mind, he already knew. Why would he keep asking? Some feelings, you don’t need to talk and silence can solve your problem. Even the feeling with husband isn’t beautiful like boyfriend, it give you a warm and confidence. Husband is always independence for his own though to you, no need to let anyone blow his ears about your badness. He knows you more clearly than the other..”

“So… you are telling me about your feeling to Mr. Xi right?” the girl kept blinking innocently to her aunt. She always wondered why her aunt wouldn’t back to her husband if she worried him that much.

“Yes kind of… ”

“Would you tell me behind the story of this?? I felt you eye on him all the time..”

“Like I say, sometime you don’t need to say… but silence language would make you understand each other. ”

“……………” the girl sighed.

“We used to get along when we got married. I admitted myself. I was arranged married to him for the business only but later… I fell for him. We didn’t need to say I love you or whatever like the other couples… but silence would always be our language to each other. I knew he loved me and he knew I loved him… but once day, I found out something when a woman came to me with a newborn baby.. she said it was her daughter with my husband. I couldn’t calm.. feeling betrayed was a bit pain…”

“……………” the girl kept silent and held her aunt’s hand to sense her pain.

“That day he tried to explain me things, that he accidentally created that mistake when he went to the council meeting in China and he was drunk. He asked me to forgive him.. but I couldn’t… I couldn’t.. I didn’t trust him because of my hot blood.. I decided to divorce him. Years pass by soon, he kept being single till now.. I just realized that my decision was a mistake. If he had been cheated me, he wouldn’t have been single all along. He may meet new woman and marry her… but he doesn’t..”

“So why don’t you just give him a chance to make up things if you two love each other much?”

“As I told you, silence would be the language. We don’t back together, it doesn’t mean we are still fighting.. just we understand enough. Love, doesn’t mean for staying together all the time but what we need is a peaceful mind.. ”

“What about your boyfriend? Auntie -_-^ you love your husband while you are dating boyfriend. ”

“Is it wrong to date a boyfriend when you love husband? Sometimes, relationship meant for fun..”

“Oh..” Sica just awaked that she herself also dated when she had husband beside too. Thinking about that day, Luhan kissed her.. her feeling was undesirable.. 

“Luhan is also a kind who love to use silent language too. He doesn’t love to talk but instead of showing his action. Since the day you moved here, he keeps asking me all along about you if you are fine.”  The old woman smiled.

“Really?”

“You are idiot. You look like a dead body when you sleep. No matter if people walk in to your room at night, you are innocent all the time.” She mocked and got up from the bed.

Sica looked at her aunt curiously because she didn’t get what she meant at all.

“I’m telling you a secret. Luhan comes here every midnight and stays all night to look at you, a sleeping beauty and he would leave in the early morning..”

“WHAT???” this time Jessica exclaimed surprisingly. Luhan would come to watch her all night? How come it be? Or what she sensed was true?

“But why… why he does that?” she asked again confusedly.

“What a childish question! Loving his wife is also your curiousness?”

“Love??” Sica knew her aunt didn’t get her complicated relationship with her son. Maybe she was imagining things..

“Come along with me.. you will understand it..” the older woman grabbed her niece out of the room, walking pass by fewer rooms on the first floor to stand in front of a unused room. Sica knew it, a room which her aunt always cared for and never let anyone in. She still remembered that she had been cursed when she had been to clean that room.

“You always love this room…” said Sica.

“Because it’s only a memory, my mom left me.” The old woman smiled and continued “Do you want to see things there?”

“Can I? I might break your memorial things there..”

“Actually, I gave this room to Luhan for his own laboratory already. You may have right to enter..”

“Luhan? Since when?” she asked confusedly. This room was a memorial room between her aunt’s parent and her. Mr. Lee always got mad if anyone annoyed thing there.. However, she could give it to Luhan. So, it meant she loved her son more than anything else.

“Months ago..  here you are..” she gave her a key “I’m going to cook snack for my son. He may come here by the regular time.” And then she left.

Sica slowly entered the room, clicking turn on the light in the room. Suddenly she was surprised by things. Looking and scanning many photos which pint on the wall.. she was so speechless. She didn’t know how to talk anymore… after she realized that it was photographic room of Luhan. She saw laptop, a few cameras and the printers placing on the big table on the corner.

Suddenly all actions of Luhan before plopped in her recalling..

Flashback

“Keep going” said Luhan softly, trying to catch her eyes. His dark eyes were full of undecided things inside, it liked he was losing things. 

“…………..” Jessica said nothing, taking her leave as soon as Luhan grabbed her hand.

“I’m begging you… don’t leave…” the hidden pain, she didn’t know where it caused from and it was the first time, she saw him holding a different pain. It wasn’t a kind of being too lonely like before but she didn’t know what it was.

“…………..” She refused him again, yanking his grip and running out with her tear…

Luhan looked how her shadow disappeared, without saying another word. Thing left only silent between them.

..................

Sica walked slowly toward the wall, and touched every photos of her. She didn’t know since when he started taking her photos at behind. In the room, mostly they were all her photos which she hadn’t known she had been taken. Some photos seemed showing her all her natural moves and actions. But she was sure Luhan was also a great photographer. He could show her nature beauty in his hand whenever she slept, ate, studied, sat or walked… She was just a simple girl in her thought but after seeing the picture of Luhan’s made, she just realized she could see her good line too.

Passing by the unknown taken photos, Jessica turned her interest to another group of photos which I remembered it had happened in their couple trip.

Flashback

The guy kept talking the girl on beach all along without letting her know even once.

“Han…” she suddenly ran to him.

“I’m hungry…”

……………….

The moon shone down on a vast blue green sea, who are you waiting for?

Even if I ask you just quietly look up at a star in the sky

If I want you,  you’ll hold my war