The next morning, you heard Yongguk moving around the apartment as you laid in bed. Even though you had been awake when he got out of bed, you didn't quite have the energy to get up.
He had taken you home last night and fussed over you like usual. Making sure you were comfortable and getting everything for you. Then of course staying by your side and holding you. The same routine.
"Hey. How are you feeling?"
You felt the bed dip down before his arm wrapped around your waist. You didn't answer him though as you felt him snuggle against you.
"Honey." he murmured and lightly kissed your check. Then he said, "Maybe next time."
You inhaled sharply and froze at those words. "Maybe next time." Then you rolled over on to your back and stared at him in disbelief. "What?"
His mouth opened and closed a few times while he blinked in surprise. "I... I just mean. Maybe next time..."
"No." you firmly stated. "There won't be a next time. There won't be any more times at all." You took a shaky breath as you felt your composure breaking. "You know what happens after number four. I only have a 5% chance of having a baby now."
He reached over and brushed your cheek with his hand. "A chance is still a chance. And no matter how small..."
"Ugh, don't." you quickly interrupted, not bothering to hide the disgust in your voice. You looked away from him and swallowed. "Just don't say it. Please."
Neither of you moved or said anything and you felt guilt start gnawing at you. Then he rested his hand your hip and laid his head against your shoulder.
"I'm sorry." he quietly offered.
Closing your eyes, you rolled on to your side so you could bury your face in to his chest. His arm was around you instantly, holding you tight. You felt your eyes watering but forced the tears away.
"I don't know how to fix this.' he said in a hushed whisper. "I wish I can but I don't know how. I would do anything. Anything for you."
You took a few deep breaths before pulling away a little. Then you kissed him, feeling your heart flutter when he kissed you back. When you broke off the kiss, you forced a tiny smile on your face. "Can you make the appointment for me?" you asked him.
"Absolutely." he hurriedly answered. He reached up and ran his fingers through your hair. "I'll take care of that and I'll make sure I have the day off too."
"Thank you." you told him, feeling somewhat relieved. He had to miss one past appointment before and you hated having to go by yourself.
"As for right now, how about breakfast in bed?" he offered before reaching around you and rubbing your lower back a little. "And then a massage?"
There were some relief from the sore muscles on your back and you sighed contently. "That sounds and feels so good."
He let out a little chuckle and softly kissed your forehead. "Whatever you want." Then he placed his hand on your cheek and gave you a sincere look. "Everything will be okay." he clearly stated.
You wanted nothing more than to believe his words but the ache in your heart wouldn't let you. After hearing those words so many times, you just couldn't. Instead, you forced another smile on your face and gave him a quick kiss. "I love you."
"I love you too." he replied while smiling. Then he gave you a kiss before scooting off the bed.
You waited until he was out of the room before letting the smile fade away.

It was a little over a week later that you found yourself at the doctor's office. The doctor offered her condolences once again, having been your doctor through all your previous pregnancies and miscarriages. Then you were on the table and she had the ultrasound machine ready.
She moved the transducer over your stomach as you waited. Yongguk stood by your side and held your hand the entire time.
"Looks like your uterus got everything out." the doctor informed both of you. "A complete miscarriage."
You let out a light scoff. "At least it's good at doing that."
"Honey." Yongguk quietly said and squeezed your hand.
You squeezed his hand back in a half-apology without looking at him. You didn't exactly regret those words.
"There are things we can do. Tests we can run." the doctor stated.
You mindlessly nodded your head, not thinking too much about what she said. The only thing you wanted right now was to go home. Then you realized someone had asked you a question and you looked at the two people in the room with you. "What?"
"Well, when you're ready to think about it." She took the the probe off of your stomach and handed you some tissues. Then she excused herself to give you some privacy.
You thanked her and started to clean yourself help when Yongguk suddenly kissed the side of your head. "I'll be right back." he said before hurrying out of the room.
You stared at the door for a moment in surprise before shaking your head. Then you finished wiping the gel off your stomach. You also took a tissue and wet it at the sink, not liking the sticky feeling the gel left behind.
When you were finished, you grabbed your purse and opened the door. You stepped out into the hallway and saw Yongguk at the end of the hall with the doctor. As you made your way to him, you watched him smile as he took a folder from your doctor. Then she patted his arm and walked away.
"Hey." you said as you approached him.
"Hey." he replied with a smile. "You ready to go?"
You nodded your head and eyed the folder. He didn't say anything though as he grabbed your hand with his free hand and lead you out of the building.

"You want some tea?" you asked your husband when you arrived home.
"Sure." he replied and went to the couch.
You went into the kitchen and grabbed two mugs out of the cupboard. You put a teabag in each and filled them with water before putting them in the microwave.
As they heated, you leaned against the counter and sighed. You hands lightly rubbed your stomach as you imagined what it would be like to be pregnant and actually stay pregnant. To have a baby. The look on Yongguk's face the first time he held his child in his arms.
Your eyes quickly watered and you took a shaky breath. Then you shook your head and banished those thoughts away. Forever. You had hoped and hoped for a long time now and every time, it was taken away. You knew you couldn't live through that anymore. You had enough of your heart breaking.
The microwave dinged and you took the mugs out. You carried them into the living room and saw Yongguk still siting on the couch. Now though, there were papers spread all over the coffee table.
You set the mugs down and sat on the couch next to him. You surveyed the papers and then felt your heart drop in to your stomach.
"Who knew so many things could complicate pregnancies?" he commented with an amused smile.
You grabbed one of the papers and skimmed through the words. It talked about the different abnormalities with your uterus and all the tests that could be done to see if they were present. Then you picked up two other papers and looked through them. It could be your hormones or your immune system. Swallowing, you put the papers down and took a deep breath.
"We can start with the most common causes." he said as he reached for a piece of paper. "That would make the most sense."
You pressed your lips together and slowly shook your head. "And how many tests do I have to do to find out why I'm a failure?"
His head whipped to the side and he stared at you with wide eyes. "What??" Then he put the paper down and quickly grabbed your hands. "Don't say that! This isn't your fault. You don't have any control over this."
"Yongguk..."
"And it could be me." he continued. He released your hands and grabbed two of the papers, sliding them in front of you. "I could have an abnormal chromosome. Or bad ." He put his hand on his chest. "This could be because of me."
You looked at him for a bit and the pleading look he was giving you. Then you turned your head and sighed. "No Yongguk. Enough." You grabbed your mug and stood up before walking towards the hallway.
"Wait!' he called out, making you stop and look at him as he quickly followed you. "We don't have to do this now. We can wait."
You let out another sigh and shook your head at him. "I can't do this anymore. I don't want to be poked and probed like some lab animal to find out what's wrong with me." you declared. "If they're even able to figure it out. And even then, it's not guaranteed that it can be something that can be fixed."
"Honey" he quietly uttered as he stared at you disbelief.
You gripped your mug tightly. "I'm sorry. I know how badly you want this but..."
"We."
You stopped and blinked at him. He furrowed his eyebrows and stepped closer. "How badly we want this." he corrected.
You bit your bottom lip and took a shaky breath before nodding. "Yes. But I... I just... can't. I can't." You shrugged your shoulders in defeat. "I don't have any more hope left in me."
He stood still for a few moments before he looked down. As he stared at the floor, you watched his shoulders drop and he pressed his lips together. Then he gave a slight nod and turned away but not before you saw his eyes watering.
You felt a pain in your chest as you watched him walk away. Yet you didn't follow him. How could you when you were the one hurting him? Instead, you continued down the hall to the workroom. You closed the door behind you before going to your desk. You set the mug of tea down and gulped for air. Then tears spilled from your eyes and you put a hand over your mouth to muffle your crying.