“You gotta calibrate all of them by pressing the buttons together,” Taekwoon says, body stretching to pin up the last of the wires. “Hurry, hurry, hurry. I’m tired.”

“Got it,” Sanghyuk replies, giving Taekwoon a hand from the ladder.

Taekwoon grins, “Smart kid.”

There’s something that aches in Sanghyuk’s body, a desperation for more, but he knows better than to be greedy. He’s grateful for this – all of this. All of this hanging of lights, throwing of parties, and helping wherever he can help. Taekwoon throws out praise like no one has ever done to him before, and it feels good. Good enough for Sanghyuk to both want to crave more and settle down at the same time. Months ago he would’ve shunned all compliments because that would mean some sort of reciprocation, some sort of attachment and expectation, but now it just feels like warmth.

So he blushes, cheeks positively red, and says “Thanks.”               

“Let’s go help Hakyeon with the food,” Taekwoon puts the ladder away with thorough complaint. “I’ll sit and steal some. I’m way too tired to cook.”

They walk into the kitchen together, and Sanghyuk still finds it strange he’s on equal grounds with all these people. He’d like to think he’s earned it, because his brain still cannot compute any good that he hasn’t earned, but there’s really no other explanation other than the fact that they’re just nice people. He only wishes he could give them something half as nice for Christmas.

A new notebook for Taekwoon and a custom paperweight for Hakyeon doesn’t really count for how much they have given him. Especially since the money he had used to buy it belongs to Hongbin.  There’s an imaginary bill in his head that lengthens and lengthens, but Sanghyuk has stopped trying to count. He probably can’t even count that high.

“The lights done?” Hakyeon says, a little too loudly, over the hiss of the wok.

“Yeah,” Taekwoon nods, hands reaching out to steal a hard boiled egg. He hands one to Sanghyuk casually, and Sanghyuk takes it with a shy smile.

“You guys,” Hakyeon groans exasperatedly. “Get out if you’re not going to help.”                    

There’s a blip of electricity in Sanghyuk’s heart, but he’s long come to realize that it’s nothing more than a conditioned reaction. He’s not actually afraid of being hurt; triggers are just everywhere in his life.

“Sorry, I’ll help.” Sanghyuk says guiltily, but he must sound scared, because Hakyeon deliberately adjusts his expression. Taekwoon understands though, and he just puts a hand around Hakyeon’s waist.

“Help me fry the pork?” Hakyeon regains his usual composure and pats Taekwoon on the head.

“Sure,” Sanghyuk moves to grab a plate. “Flour then egg then bread crumbs?”

Hakyeon smiles. “Yeah, the way I taught you.”       

A quarrel then ensues between Hakyeon and Taekwoon as to who exactly taught Sanghyuk how to make tonkatsu, but they settle for both having taught him at different times. Sanghyuk is smiling the whole time, fingers sticky with flour and egg. Hakyeon and Taekwoon are perfect together – they’re just the right amount of funny and dead serious, and Sanghyuk really thinks they’ll make terrific dads one day.

The preparation for lunch is almost done, pork chops all fried, when Hongbin arrives. Taekwoon is the one who answers the doorbell and they’re all a little surprised because there was a pretty big emergency at the company that needed Hongbin’s help last minute.

“It’s just… not right that the 18 year old interns have less of a clue than I do when it comes to data backup, you know?” Hongbin says exasperatedly as he walks through the door, taking off his scarf. “Actually you don’t even want to know. It’s super ridiculous.”

“We have 20 minutes to get the Christmas tree décor up,” Taekwoon shepherds Hongbin into the house. “Sanghyuk made tonkatsu.”

“Nice,” Hongbin grabs a candy off the dining table and waves to Sanghyuk and Hakyeon in the kitchen.

It took a really long time for Sanghyuk not to feel anxious around people other than Hongbin (especially Taekwoon. Taekwoon was scary in ways he had yet to encounter), but even he can admit his progress. They sit around the Christmas tree, Taekwoon showing him how to hang ornaments so the tree looks even. Hakyeon is especially excited, insisting on putting the star on the top of the tree, and helping everyone else with their jobs. He chides Hongbin and Taekwoon (sticks out a foot to kick them) when they try to run with Christmas, picking out weird decorations Hakyeon told them explicitly not to use. 

Hongbin talks about how he believed in Santa Claus until one day someone steps on his hand where he’s sprawled out on the floor, completely taken by sleep. Taekwoon denies ever believing in Santa Claus, and makes fun of Hakyeon for still believing in a myth. If there’s one thing Sanghyuk knows for sure, it’s that Taekwoon might look scary, but he’s hopelessly terrible at arguments.

“So, tell us about how you used to spend Christmas,” Hakyeon says suddenly, passing Sanghyuk a gold bell ornament.

“Oh,” Sanghyuk looks at Hongbin. “I just never… really… celebrated Christmas.”                    

“Damn, that ,” Hakyeon says, but despite the words, Sanghyuk doesn’t think he’s actually being made fun of so he just nods.

He isn’t exactly telling the truth. One Christmas he got unwanted piercings on his s as a “present”, so he’d really rather not celebrate anything anymore. But he knows he doesn’t always have to be honest. He wants to… share his life, not scare people away by giving them unnecessarily bloody details.

Hakyeon reaches into a box and takes out a red Santa hat. He plants it on top of Sanghyuk’s head and says, “But that’s why we’re making this Christmas extra festive.”

When they’re done, they all sit on the floor and watch as Hakyeon turns on all the Christmas lights. They dazzle a thousand colors in the room, and Sanghyuk feels so… safe here, that he asks Hongbin if he can put an arm around his shoulders.

Hongbin says of course, and lets him do it.                                            

***                                                              

They only have half an hour to themselves before people start coming to the party.

It’s mostly people Sanghyuk know, but there are a few he has never met before – Gongchan’s girlfriend, Ravi’s music friend, someone called Joonmyeon, someone called Sungjae, and Joonmyeon’s girlfriend.

He doesn’t back away from any of the circles he finds himself in. He just responds to questions, and tries to silence the voices in his head that tell him he’s not worth listening in on conversations.

At some point he finds himself standing with Gongchan and Joonmyeon’s girlfriends. He’s confused, but then Joonmyeon’s girlfriend says he just looks like a nice person, and he’s not as attached to different cliques as the rest. Sanghyuk just nods and says he hasn’t really been friends with many of them for long.

They ask about the people in the room, and Sanghyuk tells them everything he’s allowed to. He explains the company Hakyeon owns, and who does what – who are the photographers, who are the makeup artists, who are the staff, and who are the models. They don’t ask any intrusive questions, and they seem to know when to back off even though Sanghyuk is sure he doesn’t give any indication that he’s uncomfortable, because he’s not.  

He’s used to people being in his space; except this is nothing like what he’s been used to for most of his life. He actually thinks that by the end of the conversation, he’s made friends with at least the girls. They swap contacts, and Ravi teases him for it but he’s not sure why.

Hongbin comes to check on him from time to time, but he’s okay. Sometimes someone makes a loud noise and he jumps, but other than that he can pretend he’s human until the party is almost done.

They leave with armfuls of presents when the beer and soju come out of the fridge. Sanghyuk can’t legally drink yet, and Hongbin is apparently on meds that can’t mix with alcohol.

Sanghyuk takes one last look at the Christmas tree before he leaves, meekly bows to the whole room of people waving bye to him, and he falls into a deep sleep when he gets home.