“I need to bring you to the doctor.”

That afternoon these words strike fear deep into Sanghyuk’s bones. Everything he had felt in the morning falls to pieces.

“Please.” Sanghyuk drops to his knees with a loud collapsing noise that resonates throughout the space and presses his forehead to the floor, palms next to his ears. “Sir. Please, please, please, please…”

“Sanghyuk, please, get up.” Hongbin touches the boy’s shoulder but it obviously makes Sanghyuk more terrified than he already is so Hongbin quickly draws back his hand.

“Sanghyuk,” Hongbin pleads. “Don’t do this. Please. You’ll have to go sooner or later.”

And at this, Sanghyuk clambers to his feet and runs. He almost makes it to the door of the bathroom when Hongbin pins him up against a wall, grabbing his wrists and holding on for dear life. Sanghyuk is completely flat against the wall and he can feel Hongbin’s chest pressing against his back. Flashes of beatings, punishments, familiar eyes filled with hatred filter through his mind and Sanghyuk lets out a guttural scream. Sanghyuk flails out, kicking and struggling, tears welling up in his eyes. He knew this was going to happen – he knew he knew he knew. But why is he so terrified now? Was it because he trusted Hongbin? He did – he trusted him so much and –

“Listen. Listen. SANGHYUK, LISTEN.” Hongbin shouts and Sanghyuk stops fighting. “I know you’re terrified but the doctor is a friend. And I can assure you that no one is going to hurt you. No one’s going to hurt you anymore. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

“THEY’LL KILL ME!”  Sanghyuk starts to struggle again but Hongbin just holds his wrists tighter.

“Who?” Hongbin raises his voice over the racket. “What are you afraid of?”

“THEM! They’ll kill me. I’m not supposed to show anyone.” Sanghyuk slowly stops struggling, the energy seeping out of his body. “Please. You already saw. Please.”

“What –” Hongbin starts then remembers the night he first met Sanghyuk. “I didn’t see anything that night. I swear! There was hardly any light. I didn’t – see anything.”

“It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m fine, hyung. Really, really. I’m fine. I’m fine.” Sanghyuk blabbers, repeating his words over and over again. “I’m fine. I’m –”

“Are you really?” Hongbin says, agitated. “Tell me you’re fine. Tell me you know that everything is fine physically! Tell me!”

Sanghyuk’s body starts to shake violently in his arms and Hongbin is taken by surprise. His facial expressions immediately soften and so does his heartbeat.

“Hey, hey.” Hongbin gently lets go of Sanghyuk’s wrists and turns the boy around to face him.

Tears are dripping down Sanghyuk’s face and his eyes are clouded with more emotion that Hongbin ever thought was possible. A whimper finally escapes Sanghyuk’s lips and Hongbin wants to punch a wall for letting himself shout at the boy.

“Oh Sanghyuk.” Hongbin breathes out, immediately pulling the boy into his arms. “Shh, shh it’s going to be okay. I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

Sanghyuk lets himself fall apart, slumping forward into Hongbin’s chest, his hands pulling desperately at his hair. He doesn’t feel the strands pulling away from his scalp because he can feel is the pain in his ribs and heart and chest and everywhere and he needs a distraction. Sanghyuk hates himself for being so weak didn’t you promise not to cry anymore? Sanghyuk pulls harder but he can’t control his crying.

“Hey, hey. Stop.” Hongbin pries Sanghyuk’s hands away from his hair. “Why are you hurting yourself?”

Sanghyuk just lets out a heartbreaking sob and Hongbin hugs the boy tightly again. Sanghyuk splays his hands across Hongbin’s back and curls them into fists around the fabric.

He knows that he’s breathing but the problem is that he doesn’t want to anymore.

He can feel himself losing it. He can feel himself breaking and crumbling down into pieces. He can sense Hongbin desperately trying to keep the pieces together and it’s almost shameful how he let himself seek comfort in another person. There’s a horrid ringing in his ears that refuses to go away and Sanghyuk tries to breathe through his panic, tries to feel Hongbin’s hands through his hair.  

It takes a while, but Sanghyuk does eventually remember how to breathe and hear and feel Hongbin shushing him, telling him that he’s going to be all right.

***

The walk from the car park to the hospital is agonizing as Sanghyuk grabs onto Hongbin’s arm so hard, Hongbin can feel and see the bruises in the shape of hand prints in the hours to come. Sanghyuk continues to stammer about how he’ll “heal just fine so can we go back now, hyung” and how he “feels fine and I don’t need a doctor”. Hongbin tries his best to ignore the boy and get into the hospital because any longer and he might relent.

Hongbin wonders if he’s doing the wrong thing because Sanghyuk clearly isn’t only hurt on the skin but in his mind too. If this visit only serves to aggravate his mental breakdowns then Hongbin doesn’t know how he’s ever going to gain the trust of the boy again. Nevertheless, Hongbin pushes on, his chest aching with Sanghyuk’s pleas.

Once they open the doors of the hospital, the smell hits them like a tidal wave of fear and dread, and Sanghyuk freezes up. His muscles tenses up, his nerves all firing at once. Red spots dance in front of his eyes and the grey returns. Sanghyuk can already feel the tightening in his chest that signals a possible panic attack. They sit in the waiting room and Hongbin just somehow manages to pry Sanghyuk’s hands off his forearm.

They don’t have to wait long for their turn but by then, Sanghyuk’s forehead was covered in sweat and his hands were shaking uncontrollably. Hongbin tries to make conversation but Sanghyuk isn’t replying, totally catatonic and he wonders if the doctor will end up having to sedate Sanghyuk for a proper checkup.

Turns out he’s not wrong.

The very moment they step into the doctor’s office, Sanghyuk starts to shake uncontrollably and the anxiety freezes his whole body. Hongbin hears Sanghyuk’s breath speeding up, gasps hitching in his throat and Sanghyuk is trying to regain his balance. But he doesn’t know how to. His limbs feel sluggish and he doesn’t even feel like he’s standing (even though he is). The room is spinning – and everything is –

He’s not supposed to be here, he can’t be here. He’s going to get in trouble if anyone sees. It’s notsafenotsafenotsafenotsafe.

Sobs wreck through his body because Sanghyuk can’t escape from this situation. He wants to run away but he’s not allowed. Notallowednotallowednotallowednotallowed.

“Sanghyuk, it’s going to be okay, you have to breathe,” Hongbin’s voice brings Sanghyuk back to himself but it’s not nearly enough. “Look at me. Look at me, Sanghyuk-ah.”

For the first time in his life Sanghyuk can’t bring himself to respond to the order and instinctively keeps his eyes shut. The fact that he just disobeyed a direct order frightens him even more and his chest rises and falls at an inhumane speed. He’s going to be in so much trouble. Sanghyuk presses his hands flat against his ears because the ringing – the ringing is too much, too loud. It hasn’t been this loud in a very long time. Sweat rolls down his forehead in a steady stream.

He can’t stop shaking.                                            

“Hongbin, we have to sedate him. He’s going to pass out if we don’t.” The doctor says frantically, finally making his presence known, pressing a button on his desk for an assistant. “Hongbin!”

“Wait –” At this moment, Sanghyuk’s legs weaken and Hongbin catches him just in the nick of time because Sanghyuk is so out of control, he can’t even utilize his arms to hold himself steady.

“Sanghyuk, Sanghyuk, listen to me. You can do this.”     

Air isn't going into his lungs anymore. His body is screaming out for oxygen but for some reason, he can't breathe at all. The thought of death flashes in his head and he completely loses it. His chest explodes in a conflagration of pain. It feels like the time when Sir blocked off his air from above the heavy latex thing. He doesn't want to die. Not like this. Not yet. 

“Help me – hyung – breathe,” Sanghyuk's mind is shouting but it comes out as a feeble whisper into Hongbin’s shoulder.

“Okay okay okay, Nakhun hyung!” Hongbin shouts as Sanghyuk starts to wheeze, lungs struggling to take in air.

The doctor moves towards Sanghyuk and he shakes even more, flinching even, his body responding the only way he knows how to. The doctor jabs the needle in his arm swiftly before Sanghyuk can jerk away and the 16 year old boy whimpers helplessly in Hongbin’s grip throughout the whole process, making noises of distress like a little kid.

A wave of dysphoria that is ironically calming overcomes Sanghyuk and he tries to stay awake because it’s the only way he’ll survive whatever they’re going to do to him but he quickly loses grip on reality. His eyebrows begin to unknit and energy starts to seep out of the younger boy until all light within him extinguishes. Hongbin lies Sanghyuk down on the examination table and the silence in the room is deafening.

“What was that?” Nakhun asks.

“It’s a – He’s been abused both emotionally and physically and you know – like, ually.”

“Where did you find him?”

“On the streets.”

The tension in the room grows. 

“This is a stupid decision even for you, Bin-ah.” Nakhun sighs. “Let’s do this before he wakes up.”

***

The damage is even worse than Hongbin had imagined. White skin of a different shade splashed and dotted – someone ing burned the kid on his arms – Sanghyuk’s body, both front and back. There were only a few small areas where the skin was smooth. Everywhere else was strips of raised skin – almost like someone cut him to the bone. Thin scars crisscrossed randomly. The ill-healed burns on his shoulders stand out like reddish brown islands on a milky sea.

Nakhun pulls back the hem of Sanghyuk’s boxers by a bit to find jagged, bright, burning white scars spelling out “” on his left hipbone. Hongbin tries to bite back a gasp but the air that leaves his mouth after that still sounds painfully loud.

Sanghyuk is thin – Hongbin knows that – but this is a totally different story. Sanghyuk’s ribs jut out individually, skin pulled taut over them. His shoulder blades and ribs and hipbones bulge out, almost looking like they could cut through his skin.

Nakhun traces one of Sanghyuk’s ribs and looks up at Hongbin. Hongbin is clueless but soon sees what Nakhun is trying to say. More than half of his ribs are crooked and – and deformed.

“.” Hongbin buries his head in his hands.

Nakhun lets out a deep breath. “This is bad.”

***

Sanghyuk makes a feeble and not entirely willing attempt to return to consciousness. His bones feel heavy and seem to creak like the hinges of his body are rusty and it takes him several seconds of serious thinking for him to open his eyes and understand his surroundings.

He’s lying on his back. There’s something heavy and smelling faintly of medicine on top of him which turns out to be a thick woolen blanket. There’s a calendar on the table in front of him. It’s 2014. He’s 17. Or maybe he’s 16? He doesn’t remember his birthday. Sanghyuk lies in bed awake, staring at the white washed ceilings of the hospital and the fluorescent lights. This was humiliating, almost. He very well knows how his body looks and he isn’t proud of any part of his body. Not even his face. It is, after all, the thing that led to him being – Hongbin says they’re equal but how can he be? He’s broken and Hongbin is beautiful and he’s not.

Hongbin walks into the ward and Sanghyuk shrinks into a smaller ball than he already is.

“Hyung.” Sanghyuk whispers, his voice rough and weathered from all the stress he went through earlier. “Am I in trouble? I’m sorry.”

For the first time, he notices the needle in his arm and the bags of fluids hung high on a metal structure next to him. It takes a while for him to realize that the fluids are being pushed into him and he panicks for a bit because it might be drugs or something that might hurt him but Hongbin would never. Hongbin would never. 

“Why would you even –” Hongbin starts but quickly manages his tone. “No. Of course you’re not.”

“Okay,” Sanghyuk shifts uncomfortably under the blankets. “Is anything wrong with me, hyung?”

“Nakhun hyung is coming in later. I mean – the doctor, so we’ll know what steps to take after today.” Hongbin pauses before continuing, edging closer towards Sanghyuk. “But listen. It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault. Everything that everyone has done to you in your life is not because of you. They didn’t punish you because you were bad. They punished you because they got off on it. All of them are sick and just – just sick and mindless and cruel. You didn’t deserve any of that.”

Hearing the truth like that makes Hongbin wince but Sanghyuk on the other hand doesn’t believe that Hongbin is telling him the truth at all. He knows it’s his fault. Everything over the past 15 years of his life was his fault. No matter what Hongbin is trying to tell him, there’s no way it isn’t his fault. He dropped plates, he was messy, he didn’t do what he was told, he couldn’t even bring himself to say no.

“What are you thinking about?” Hongbin urges as Sanghyuk’s eyes grow distant, almost like he’s in another dimension.

Sanghyuk flinches a bit at the sudden intrusion into his thoughts and replies (too quickly). “Nothing, hyung.”

“I can’t help you unless you tell me what’s on your mind, Sanghyuk-ah.”

The silence stretches long over a few minutes and Sanghyuk counts the gaps in the ventilation system a few times before finally getting enough courage to say it.

“How – How do you know it’s not my fault?” His voice is broken; Sanghyuk lifts a hand to his face and finds tears on his cheeks, again. It was getting embarrassing.

Hongbin ruffles his hair and forces the corners of his lips to turn upwards. He has to be strong, for Sanghyuk. “Because… I’ve seen how good of a person you are. You’re kind, and independent, and strong. You’ve been hurt so much even though you’re just a kid and I’m sorry you had to see how bad this world can be – I truly am – but trust me. I know a beautiful person is underneath all those nightmares. I know that for a fact because I’ve seen the real you come out a few times over the past few days but I – I wish the real Sanghyuk will be ready one day to show himself for good. I know you’re afraid of messing up but it’s okay to mess up when you’re with me. We all make mistakes. You are good enough, Sanghyuk. So stop putting yourself down, alright? Even when you feel like you can’t go on anymore, I will always be here. I promise. Put your trust in me.”

“It’s – it’s okay for me to mess up?” It feels like a knife is stabbing into Sanghyuk’s throat with every word he speaks but the tears in his eyes – he’s pretty sure it’s tears of relief.

“Definitely.”

Sanghyuk curls up on himself, except this time he doesn’t turn away from Hongbin. Sanghyuk is crying – the type of ugly crying that no one should ever see – but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care because it’s okay. Hongbin has told him so many times that he can do whatever he wants but hearing him give explicit permission – no, assurance – like this makes Sanghyuk wants to believe it. At that moment, Sanghyuk just… lets go.

Then he takes a particular large breath and – “Ow.”

“What, what, what?” Hongbin asks anxiously, rearranging the blankets. 

“It’s nothing. I just – ” Sanghyuk shifts a bit. “Moved wrong.”

“Does that happen often?” The door creaks open and a man wearing a white coat walks in.

Sanghyuk’s head snaps up immediately and he realizes it’s the doctor who did the checkup on him. For a moment he freezes up but he remembers that Hongbin is here with him and tries to not panic, for Hongbin’s sake. Sanghyuk wipes at the tears on his face and sits up straight, ignoring the slowly dissipating pain in his left side.

“Hi Sanghyuk,” Nakhun says with a small smile.

“Hello.” Sanghyuk greets softly with a small dip of the head, eyes darting to Hongbin and back.

Hongbin gives Sanghyuk a reassuring smile.                

“Are you feeling alright? No headaches? Nausea?” Nakhun asks, scribbling on a clipboard with every shake of Sanghyuk’s head.  “Good. Do your ribs or chest in general hurt often?”

Sanghyuk stays silent, looking towards Hongbin for help so Hongbin nods his head towards Nakhun with an amused smile. “Go on.”

Sanghyuk grips his blanket a tad tighter and resists the urge to lie. “Um… Only when I move wrong, Sir.” 

“So do you know when exactly you broke your ribs?”

Sanghyuk thinks back to when he was with his first Sir – he remembers the first time he hears the crack but everything hurt too much to know where it was coming from; he remembers the second time he hears the crack but Sir didn’t do anything about it; he remembers hearing the sound a lot of times after that but doesn’t say anything because he’s – no one would even bother to help him. “I don’t know.”

“Well, they didn’t heal very well and I’m a bit worried but it should be fine as long as you don’t fracture one again.” Nakhun says, maintaining eye contact with Sanghyuk, who’s too scared to look up. “You need a guardian or a parent for me to continue on with the kit and clearly Hongbin isn’t even fit to –”

Hongbin narrows his eyes. “Hyung!” Hongbin lightly punches Nakhun in the arm and even though he notices the way Sanghyuk stiffens, he wants to make it clear that it’s alright to joke around. 

“You didn’t even let me finish!” Nakhun whines, rubbing his arm. “I meant to say that even though he’s not a guardian, I’m sure he’ll take care of you well. How’s that?”

“Thank you,” Hongbin smiles, only to have Nakhun roll his eyes rather un-doctorly.

“Will you let me do my job now?”                                   

Hongbin gives a careless wave of his hand and Sanghyuk looks back down on his lap now that attention was on him again.

“Okay, Sanghyuk. You’re going to have to stay in the hospital for a while because you’re dehydrated and a little bit malnourished. You’ll be able to go home first thing tomorrow morning – with Bin, that is. For the whole – ual assault part, you’ll know the results of the blood test in a few weeks.” Nakhun pushes up his glasses. “Any questions?”

Sanghyuk politely shakes his head.

“If you feel any discomfort or prolonged pain in any part of your body, I want you to tell Bin or me as soon as possible. Don’t try to hide anything because we can’t help you if you do.”

The gears are turning in Sanghyuk’s head. Everything he has been told to do so far contradicts what Moonhyuk or Soojin or any of his Sirs have told him to do. There is no way he’s not going to be punished for listening to either one of them. He can't please everyone. He's one person and – but he has to. He has to please all of them. It's what he's good for. Yet now he's going against orders. 

They’re going to find him and they’re going to hurt him like never before.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.                             

Sanghyuk forces his muscles to move, forces himself to nod. He can feel the panic settling in brought on by the onslaught of memories and he doesn’t want anyone to be in here but Hongbin.

The doctor is going to hurt me. He’s going to hurt me.

It makes total sense at the current moment and even though at the back of his head Sanghyuk knows that he’s being delusional, it’s so hard to separate his past from present. Everything is mixing into a giant mess of nightmares and he can’t focus on breathing.

The anxiety is building up steadily and Hongbin sees the signs probably before Sanghyuk knows it himself. He sees the quivering of Sanghyuk’s muscles, he sees the slight furrow of eyebrows, the clenching of the jaw, the erratic breathing. Hongbin quietly tells Nakhun to leave the room and Sanghyuk cannot be more grateful – ashamed – grateful.

Nakhun signals Hongbin to call him and quickly closes the door behind him.

“Hey,” Hongbin takes the seat next to the bed.

Hongbin sounds far away, distant.

 “I’m going to hold your hand, is that okay?” Hongbin can feel his voice starting to shake too.

Sanghyuk takes a hard swallow and breathes out a small “yes”.

Hongbin picks up Sanghyuk’s hand in his and Sanghyuk starts to breathe even more heavily if it was even possible. Hongbin presses a thumb in Sanghyuk’s palm, a wordless Listen. Focus. Listen. I’m here. Focus.

“Sanghyuk, no one is going to hurt you here. No one’s going to hurt you anymore.”

“Stop it.” Sanghyuk whimpers.          

“What?” Hongbin releases a little bit of pressure off Sanghyuk’s palm.

“Lying, hyung.”                            

Hongbin recoils a bit at how scared of trusting Sanghyuk is but he figures it isn’t really Sanghyuk’s fault. After all he’d been through, it’s not at all surprising.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I didn't mean it, hyung." Sanghyuk realizes that he's ed up. Hongbin is nice but he shouldn't push it like that. Shouldn't have had so little self control. "Sorry, hyung, I –" 

“I can’t promise you right now that you won’t ever see them again,” Hongbin has an internal battle with himself on what to say – he really doesn’t know what he’s doing. “But I swear that I will never let them hurt you again.

Sanghyuk doesn’t believe Hongbin and Hongbin can see that. But he gathers Sanghyuk’s hands together and rhythmically squeezes them along to the pace of his breathing. Sanghyuk gets it after the second try. He forces himself to calm down, forces himself to think. It’s hard, trying to control your mind, but the subtle force of Hongbin pressing down on his palm helps.

Sanghyuk can still feel Moonhyuk breathing on his cheek but he tries to not let it show.  

“You ok?”

Sanghyuk doesn’t look up. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Hongbin says as gently as possible even though he can’t bring himself to smile right now.

*****

Hongbin joins Nakhun in the hospital cafeteria after Sanghyuk decides to fall back to sleep after the stress that he had been through the entire trip to the hospital.

“Bin!” Nakhun shouts and waves excitedly at his friend of 8 years. “C’mere.”

Hongbin smiles widely as he goes over to Nakhun’s table. He really enjoys the times when Nakhun isn’t a doctor and they’re just – brothers.

Nakhun ruffles Hongbin’s hair. “So, how’s it going, handsome?” 

Hongbin gives a laugh that seem to soak into the walls of the hospital – the dreary cafeteria almost looks brighter. “Pretty busy with Sanghyuk but very much alright. Hakyeon hyung is going to kill me when I get back to work, though. You?”

“Same old doctor job I guess. But don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy doing this.” Nakhun takes a bite of his food. “Also, about Sanghyuk, he’s probably going to get sick after today,” Nakhun looks up at Hongbin’s already worried expression.

Nakhun relishes in how pale Hongbin suddenly gets before Hongbin starts rambling. “What do you mean sick, hyung? Why? Then what do I do? Oh my god. Hyung, you know I can’t even take care of myself when I’m sick.”

“Sanghyuk’s body is still adapting to getting enough food and rest so I’m pretty sure he’s going to develop a fever very soon. He’s been under such a strain for so long, the poor kid, it’s only natural that his body will start decompressing and resetting his immune system from survival mode. Could be soon, could be much later. I already told Yoon to drop off medicine and real, non-microwavable things you call sustenance in the mornings at your house. I didn’t tell him about Sanghyuk and he’s probably not going to poke his nose into your business – you know him. So give Yoon a call when he does come down with a sickness.”

Hongbin smiles appreciatively. “Thanks, hyung. You’re the best.”

A comfortable silence ensued.

"He’s really bad, isn’t he? Sanghyuk.” Nakhun asks softly. “I mean, like, psychologically.”

Hongbin runs a thumb over his temple. “Yeah. I’m really worried. I don’t know what to do.”

“Be patient. Care for him. Build up his confidence. You know he’ll have to do a police recount one day right?”

“Yeah I’m actually going to file a report tomorrow after telling him.” Hongbin can feel a headache coming on.

Nakhun takes a slurp of his noodles before he continues. “Also, I’m not entirely sure it’s healthy for Sanghyuk to only feel safe around you.”

“But hyung, he doesn’t function when he’s alone.”

“Precisely,” Nakhun raises an eyebrow. “You’ve got to let him meet more people when you feel like he’s ready. Get him to meet the other boys, perhaps. It’ll do good.”

“I guess…” Hongbin trails off. “I just really don’t know how long it’ll take.”            

“He’ll get there. It took time for you too, remember?”

“Hyung,” Hongbin says with a warning edge to his voice. He unconsciously touches the leather cuffs on his right wrist. “I don’t want to hear it.”

Nakhun doesn't want to argue with Hongbin so he drops it. It's so easy for Hongbin to go back into himself and refuse to speak. 

“Alright, alright, I get it. I’m just saying, don’t neglect your own welfare, okay?” Nakhun claps Hongbin on the back. “Are you taking your pills on time?”

Hongbin breathes out heavily, a small smile finally emerging. It’s always nice to feel Nakhun looking after him.  “Yeah, hyung. You know I wouldn’t ever go without them.”

Nakhun raises an eyebrow – habit. “You haven’t been coming in for your psych evaluations.”

“Damn.” Hongbin rubs the back of his neck. “You caught me.”

“Hongbin…” Nakhun starts but Hongbin interrupts.                    

“I mean, just haven’t gotten bad in a while, hyung – well only once but Hakyeon hyung was there to help me.” Hongbin feels his stomach flip in shame from how much of a burden he is and he doesn't want Nakhun to think any lesser of him so he quickly changes the mood. “Besides, you know how much I hate that psych doctor, hyung. She’s so ty at her job.”

“I know. She’s just a doctor because she went to school for it.” Nakhun gives a small laugh. “You still have to come in for your evaluations, though. I trust you with Hakyeon and Taekwoon but – but you know, they’re not the people who can make you get better. You’ve tried. And I gave you a chance.”

Hongbin doesn’t say anything and just picks a carrot from Nakhun’s dish. Nakhun scowls but Hongbin just smiles widely.

Nakhun’s pager on the table beeps. He looks at it once before grabbing his coat.

“It’s Sanghyuk. Let's go.”