Nakhun opens the door, finding Hongbin on the couch in the ward scrolling through his tablet as usual. He hasn’t seen that dratted thing leave his junior’s sight ever. Hongbin looks up, his double eyelids as prominent as ever from lethargy.

“Good morning, hyung.”

Nakhun furrows his eyebrows. “Seriously? Did you even sleep?”

Hongbin shakes his head and quickly stands up as he notices the tins Nakhun was holding.

“Yoon made breakfast.” Nakhun places the tins on the table, opening each one up to reveal porridge and rolls of kimbap. “He’s so great.”

Hongbin gives a sleepy smile. “Happy couple aren’t you guys.”

Nakhun laughs in embarrassment. “We just recently got a house for ourselves. You should bring Sanghyuk to the housewarming, by the way! It’s just going to be the boys.”

“Well wouldn’t that be hectic.” Hongbin laughs, splitting his chopsticks. “Are you joining me?”

“No I have to go be a doctor now.” Nakhun clicks his pen twice to make a statement. “Make sure Sanghyuk eats though – There’s – um – how do I open this thing – help – porridge. I’m not going to make him eat hospital food. He’s getting discharged today anyway.”

Hongbin looks up with his mouth stuffed with kimbap and manages an unintelligible, “bye hyung, I’ll see you” as Nakhun exits the ward with a casual wave of his hand.

The only sound that exists in that space is the radiator. 

“Sanghyuk-ssi I think you can quit your sleeping act now,” Hongbin teases and Sanghyuk immediately sits up, unsure of what to do, if he’s in trouble or not. “Good morning. Get over here and eat breakfast.”

Sanghyuk takes that as a no and clambers out of his bed as quickly as possible, taking care of the IV drip. This is the first time in a very long time that he feels energized, but the fuzziness at the corners of his vision still refuse to recede.

Hongbin places a plate of kimbap together with a flask of porridge in front of him and he looks up for a split second to say thank you. Sanghyuk waits for Hongbin to start before he does, chopsticks still quite unsteady and unfamiliar between his fingers. But he’s improving.

Hongbin cracks jokes with him, praising the food, talking to him about little nothings and Sanghyuk surprises even himself by nodding and smiling along. His reactions are genuine this time. That definitely means something.

It’s only when the roll of kimbap is finished and when he finishes the porridge that Hongbin starts to be serious. “Okay, let’s talk about last night.”

Sanghyuk places his chopsticks carefully on the table, making no noise at all. Sometimes Hongbin wonders how the boy could ever be so quiet. Maybe he was already a ghost this whole time. There was no way someone could live like that for 15 years.

“–orry for being loud, hyung. Didn’t mean it.”

Hongbin startles for a bit. “I wasn’t – I wasn’t expecting an apology? Sanghyuk it wasn’t your fault. I was thinking more along the lines of… What do I do if you get a nightmare again?”

The air presses close. It's stifling and Sanghyuk feels a pain in the part of his chest where his heart is.                                                                                   

“You can tell me if I’m doing something wrong, you know, hyung? I mean – I’m new to all of this and sometimes I just – I don’t know how to be normal – and you’re – you can. You can punish me, you know? You can punish me.”

“Wait,” Hongbin leans in closer. “What do you mean? What are you talking about?”                        

“I mean – um – You could – not let me eat, maybe?” Sanghyuk’s voice trembled. “Or you could hit me – I don’t – I don’t care.”

“Do you really not care?”                                                     

“I –” Sanghyuk jerks, then remembers to square his shoulders and put on a brave face. He can be treated badly. He has been treated badly before. If he’s done something wrong, he has to take it. “I don’t care.”

But of course it does. Of course he does. He will care because it’s Hongbin. And he knows it won’t make hating him easier. It won’t make being chased out easier. He knows it will be different from the other Sirs. He just does.

“Will it work? If I hit you?”

Sanghyuk feels like puking. “It worked so far, hyung.”

“So you want me to kill pain with more pain?” Hongbin asks, his voice neutral. “You want me to cover nightmare with another nightmare? Has that worked?”

Sanghyuk doesn’t say anything. He can tell the shock and disbelief laced in Hongbin’s sarcastic words – he’s learnt to tell a storm way before it hits. Sanghyuk must sound crazy to him. It’s not normal to anyone else but it’s… it’s the way he’d lived for his entire life. To him it doesn’t sound inhumane or unbelievable. Originally, he thought all kids grew up that way, being hit for doing something wrong, he only had it harder because he was that much more disobedient. As time passed he realized that the entire time, he was being led into walking repeatedly into a ing brick wall, being led into punishment and pain even if it wasn’t his fault.

But it’s all too late now. The paint has settled at the back of his head, and he can’t think of anything else to atone for his wrongdoings. It’s his fault that he has nightmares, it’s his fault that Hongbin has to spend so much time on him. It’s only right that he gets taught how to repay Hongbin… Didn’t the world work like that?

“I don’t own you, Sanghyuk-ah. No one owns you.” Hongbin says slowly, like he wants Sanghyuk to digest everything now, because he doesn’t want to say it again. “You are your own person. I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel like you have to listen to me, because I’m telling you to do so many things at once, and I know it’s hard to get used to it, but you belong to yourself now. You can decide what you want, if you want it, when you want it, or if you ever want it. I want you – no – I need you to tell me what you want me to do for you. What you want me to do to help you help yourself. Not what you’ve known that people have done to you. Used to it doesn’t mean you liked it or that it worked. I’m not going to punish you for something like nightmares. I’m not going to punish you for anything. You’re 17, and the only punishment you should be receiving is the result of your actions. No one is allowed to hurt you, you understand me? Don’t let anyone hurt you. Not even me. Do you understand? If anyone hits you, you remove yourself from the situation, you run. You don’t have to take anymore .”

Sanghyuk just can't handle Hongbin for making him feel all these things he didn't even know was inside him and he hasn't got the capacity to explain it even if he had the strength, so instead he retreats back into his purest emotions and lets it spill out on a whimper. He tries to forget everything he has ever learnt and tries to remember how it felt like being a kid. Hongbin’s words spin around in his head, round and round like a washing machine. Is he really strong enough to not get hurt anymore? Is he really strong enough to tell Hongbin what he doesn’t want? Is he really… enough to sustain himself?

Once again, he gets thrown off-balance. His axis was what he had always learnt and lived by. His axis isn’t there anymore. Hongbin – Hongbin is more than spot on. His Sirs aren’t here anymore, his axis… He has to find a new axis.

“I like you. I want to see you get better. I know you can, alright?” Hongbin says when it looks like Sanghyuk is going to apologize again. “You’re more than good. You’re going to be ok.”

Sanghyuk looks at Hongbin and suddenly remembers what it was like to talk to his very first friend at the orphanage. Minhyun. Maybe he’ll try looking for him someday. He closes his eyes.

“I don’t know what – what I want you to do for me? I’ve never… really known how to wake up from a nightmare and to – to be fine in a second, hyung.” Sanghyuk reminds himself to think with his beginning heart, the heart within his hardened self that actually still knows what he wants. “I – I want to learn, though, hyung. Is that – is that going to be okay?” 

“We’ll work it out slowly. Us together.” Hongbin smiles. “Just don’t punch me if I wake you up the wrong way.”

Sanghyuk’s heart seems to sink into a soft place and he knows he has done something right, really important and pivotal, even if he doesn’t know what it is.

***

He gets discharged that afternoon. Nakhun gets him to step on the weighing machine and he doesn’t dare to look at his weight.

“Your BMI is 14.2, that’s… really low. Starving. You’re going to have to build up your appetite and start to eat more gradually. Your potassium is getting a little bit low, I’m suspecting it’s because of your small diet. So –eat bananas, avocados, spinach, and things like that. It’s not too serious, but you’ve got to do something about it. There might be serious body damage if your weight drops any lower. You need to check back in if you feel any tingling or lightheadedness. I’m going to recommend a dietician in this hospital because it’s protocol but I really don’t think it’s necessary to go see her if you’re willing to eat more. Which you are, aren’t you?”

Sanghyuk nods rapidly. Nakhun smiles gently at him. “I’m going to take your word for that.”

“Your test results are coming back in a week’s time and I’ll make a call to Bin then for you guys to come in again if anything is wrong. I highly doubt it, so don’t worry too much and just wait for my call.”

Nakhun and Hongbin makes a brief eye contact that goes unnoticed by Sanghyuk.

“Okay, I’m going to take your temperature and check your breathing for a bit. I’m going to have to touch you but not anywhere sensitive. Is that alright, Sanghyuk? I’ll stop if you feel uncomfortable.”

Nakhun is good with kids. He’s using that mentality to talk to Sanghyuk, who isn’t too far off. Sanghyuk blinks a few times before nodding slowly.

“You have to tell me if you’re uncomfortable, okay?” Nakhun slides over to face the small boy directly. 

Sanghyuk feels a light but firm touch on his ear as Nakhun holds it to take his temperature. Nakhun’s hands are warm. He lets go immediately once the beep goes off, not lingering any longer. Nakhun sneaks a glance at Sanghyuk’s face. So far so good.

“Okay, I’m going to touch you fairly… intimately now. Bear with me for a bit, I’ll be done soon.” Nakhun stands up and Sanghyuk’s breath hitches.

He’s half-expecting Nakhun to take off his shirt and so he just freezes, doesn’t move, until Nakhun rests his hand on his shoulder and the stethoscope on his back.

“Deep breaths for me, please.”                                                       

Sanghyuk doesn’t realize he’s holding his breath until he complies and breathes in so sharp, so quick to obey, that his ribs hurt. He breathes out and feels the air that filled his lungs fully move out. It’s a miracle that he’s still alive, he thinks. Nakhun moves the stethoscope around his back quickly, then moves to his chest. He jumps a bit from the sudden movement and Nakhun’s eyes meet his in a silent apology. Nakhun pulls away and jots down a few things.

Nakhun’s nice, Sanghyuk thinks. The way he touches him isn’t even a fraction of how his previous Sirs used to touch him, even when they weren’t doing anything ual. Nakhun is nice.

“Okay. I’m done here for today. Remember to eat well, hydrate yourself, tell Hongbin if anything is wrong. The dietician is on level 4, but other than that, you’re all better to go home.”

***

It’s much later at the reception desk that Sanghyuk opens his mouth. Hongbin has a huge stack of paper that he has to read and sign, stating protocol for being a guardian for Sanghyuk and all of those dreary things.

“Home, as in,” Sanghyuk pauses, completely afraid. “Your house right, hyung?”

“Yeah.” Hongbin replies absentmindedly, hand continuing his signatures before he realizes the weight of the question and looks up. “Your home is my house now. I’m never letting you go back.” 

“Okay,” Sanghyuk says. A shiver runs through his body and it’s with the warmth of Hongbin’s words.

Hongbin signs and signs and signs until his hand feels like falling off, reads and reads until his eyes hurt to make sure that Sanghyuk won’t ever get hurt by his hand.