Sanghyuk stares at himself in the mirror – the semi-stiff collar of his shirt feels a lot less restricting but similar to a collar of another nature (he very carefully does not let his anxiety overcome him) and the cardigan that Hongbin gave him doesn’t exactly sit well on his shoulders... just hangs off it a little. A little. He didn’t sleep much last night so there are rings of black beneath his eyes that honestly look terrible. He honestly looks terrible.

“You ready to leave?” Hongbin shouts from the kitchen.

Sanghyuk takes an apprehensive step out the bathroom, hands loose at his sides.

“Wow,” Hongbin stuns for a moment. "You look, like, super good, Hyuk-ah." 

The tips of his ears heat up. “Thank you. That’s – That’s, um, very - very kind of you.”

Hongbin puts down his things, walks up to Sanghyuk, and smoothens the cardigan out from where it creases at the crook of his neck. Sanghyuk really does look very good if Hongbin just ignores the half-hollow look in his eyes and he can really see the places where Sanghyuk has slowly started to fill up ever since eating regularly. His home clothes are usually oversized sweaters and jackets over a shirt so it’s nice to see him not drowning in garment for once.

“Want me to do your hair again?”

Sanghyuk nods. He kind of misses the light dancing touch of Hongbin’s fingers on his head – can almost still remember how it felt like. Hongbin gets the tub of wax from the bathroom and Sanghyuk is pretty sure his knees almost buckle with the relief of touch that doesn’t hurt. He hasn’t felt that for most his life and now he just wants to welcome it as much as he can, even though he doesn’t know how to convey this thought to Hongbin. He wants Hongbin to touch him, just not – not in that way. He’s scared of opening up another wormhole that can him in entirely.

“Nervous?”

Sanghyuk opens his eyes. “Kind of, hyung.”

“Don’t be,” Hongbin says softly, lips waning into a gentle smile. “They’re all very nice.”

“I know, I know, I –” Sanghyuk inhales, air whistling as they pass through his teeth. “It’s just me.”

“What do you mean? That’s silly.” Hongbin’s fingers go to tweak a stubborn peak of hair. “I think you’re just fine. You’re smart, and sensible, and easy to talk to. I don’t see why they wouldn’t want to, or like talking to you.”

“You think, hyung?” Sanghyuk says with a small grin. He doesn’t believe it one bit but recently he has been getting better at pretending how to breathe.

“Yeah. I’d think.” Hongbin re-caps the tub. “Your hair’s getting a little long. You gonna grow your hair out?”

Sanghyuk’s fringe is just about reaching his eyes, that it feels almost irritating whenever he blinks. His hair is getting long and sometimes when he looks into the mirror and sees the tufts of hair falling just past his ears, he wants to shave everything away. Because he’s starting to look like how he did before Moonhyuk, with the Sir that never let him cut his hair because there was more to grab when he was being ed. But Moonhyuk cut it the day they got him, with scissors so sharp and hands so (purposely) careless they lacerated his scalp so now he’s stuck between wanting to cut his hair and not wanting to. It’s fear everywhere, in every situation.

“Not sure, hyung.” Sanghyuk wrings his hands together. “Do you want me to cut it?”

“You do whatever you like. I wouldn’t force you to get a haircut even if your hair ends up brushing the floor.”

“That’s…” Sanghyuk pauses, wondering if he’s going to overstep the line. “Kind of, you know, gross. Hyung.”

Hongbin laughs with such infectious joy that it snaps Sanghyuk along with it as well.

***

“Welcome!” Nakhun says, eyes smiling, as he puts his hand on Sanghyuk’s elbow. “You’re early.”

The apartment is spacious, big, and from the entrance Sanghyuk can see a huge wall of books. They spill out onto the floor, as if someone had fallen asleep reading one on the couch.

Hongbin struggles to close the door behind him while simultaneously pulling off his shoes. “Yeah, thought we’d come earlier so we both can get used to the noise before it reaches its peak.”

“Smart.” Nakhun takes over the gigantic hamper from Hongbin and turns it over in his hands. “Shoot, dude. How much did you spend on this?”

“Broke my wallet.” Hongbin says and Nakhun’s face of surprise is almost caricature-like. “Just kidding, hyung. It wasn’t too bad. Besides, I know this is the only legitimate gift you’re gonna get today, so might as well make it a good one.”

“He’s right.” A voice shouts from the kitchen and Sanghyuk’s heart skips a beat, his breathing pushed just one breath out of normalcy.  “Just can’t wait to see the things the boys are gonna bring us later.” 

Nakhun beams at Sanghyuk. “That’s Yoon. I’ll bring you to meet him.”

The apartment is new (Hongbin told him they moved in less than a week ago) but the whole house is so packed with mementos that it feels almost like an old couple had been living in here all their lives. There are couple pictures (even dreamy heart shapes drawn on a few of them) and family pictures lining every available surface. Sanghyuk suddenly realizes that he hasn’t seen a single family photo in Hongbin’s house – there’s just one, of him and Hakyeon hyung.  They walk into the kitchen and there is a tall, well-built man in an apron.

“Hi!” Yoon smiles, looks down at his greasy gloves and pulls one off, extending his hand. “You must be Sanghyuk. I’m Yoon.”

Sanghyuk startles but takes it anyway, all the time not looking into his eyes, though he’s sure if he looks up he’ll see a bright crinkle around the edges. Yoon gives his hand a firm shake as Hongbin’s hand reaches out to take a kimbap from the roll.

“Tsk, Bin-ah!” Yoon chides with a tone that cuts too hard too deep into Sanghyuk’s skin and he bites his cheek, hating the way he flinches.

They all look at him but they obviously don’t want to make a scene out of it because Hongbin just pops the kimbap into his mouth and the couple looks at each other exasperatedly, almost as if nothing had happened. Sanghyuk’s just… just on edge, more so than he usually is, because he doesn’t know what to expect and who to expect. Hongbin is sarcastic all the time when he’s on the phone, shouting even, at some office staff (never towards him) so he had gotten used to the slicing tone a long while back, but now it’s almost like his body has reset in the presence of people he doesn’t know the way he knows Hongbin.

As they walk out of the kitchen, Hongbin places his hands on Sanghyuk’s shoulders. He can see Hongbin’s slow movements, a preempt before the actual contact, so he can relax into the touch without wanting to pull away. But Sanghyuk is so sensitive and hyper-aware that he can feel each individual finger pressing into his skin, like ice on feverish skin.  

“You okay?”

“Yeah, sorry.” Sanghyuk lets himself be guided by Hongbin. “I’m okay.”

“Don’t stress, Hyuk-ah. Give yourself time, you’ll see that they won’t even hurt a fly.”

“Okay,” Sanghyuk lets go of a deep breath. “Okay. Y – Yeah, hyung, I know.”

“You’re going to be okay.” Hongbin squeezes his shoulders, gently and subtly massaging the tension out of his muscles. 

***

‘The boys’ slowly start to pile in. And… Hongbin was right about them being rowdy. They pretty much tumble through the doorway, each carrying ridiculous gifts like Hello Kitty utensils, a bicycle, someone even brought a potato. Just one.

They all eat lunch together in the living room (Sanghyuk and Hongbin both pick up the books and slot them into the empty spaces of the bookshelves before the other guests come) and even though they’re loud, they’re loud in a way that is more merry-making than anything else. They update each other on their lives and Sanghyuk almost feels like a part of them even though he’s just listening. Hongbin tells them that Hyuk is just shy, which they accept cleanly even though they must read something more in the body language, the way he doesn’t open his mouth at all. Either way, they don’t press him.

Nakhun asks him if he wants more food or drinks and when he doesn’t get in trouble the first time the says yes to orange juice, he pushes himself to get more food. He’s relaxed in a way he never thought he would ever be in front of strangers and he feels as if he could eat till he explodes without feeling guilty about it. The way he feels almost okay in his skin is so different, so warm, and so incredibly hopeful.

When he leaves the party with Hongbin, they all say bye to him, asks him to come back again, and even though he never spoke a word, they make him feel like he actually exists. No, scratch that. 

They actually care that he exists. 

***

They go home and watch a movie – nothing too loud or with bombs going off, just a comedy film about a radio DJ finding out about his daughter’s and grandson’s existence.  It’s pretty cute, but in the middle of it, Sanghyuk nods off on the couch. The day was way too tiring. He tries to keep his eyes open but his eyelids are too heavy and when Hongbin comes back from making a cup of tea, he’s pretty much curled up in fetal position on the couch.

That’s pretty cute as well. Hongbin thinks as he stands back to watch Sanghyuk for a while (not like a creeper, more like a… caring friend).

As hesitant as Hongbin is to touch Sanghyuk and set off a chain of reactions, he has to wake the boy up because of how awkward his neck is positioned.  So he lightly touches his shoulder, no reaction. He shakes it gently, and Sanghyuk stirs, but doesn’t wake. Hongbin sighs and slips a hand beneath Sanghyuk's neck, trying to move his head, when the boy latches onto his arm, soft fingers curling loosely around it. 

A sharp thrill runs through Hongbin's heart. 

Sanghyuk's eyes are half open when he says, "Thank you, so... so much, y'know?", and closed again when he lets go of Hongbin's arm. 

"Okay, big boy, don't fall asleep on me." Hongbin laughs, nudging him again. "You gotta get to your room." 

Sanghyuk stretches his limbs and almost falls off the couch, very ungracefully picking himself up and stumbling to his room. He collapses onto his bed with a loud thump, Hongbin following close behind. It's so rare to catch Sanghyuk at such a vulnerable time, when he's too tired to keep up with any pretenses, too tired to let his brain run into overdrive. These times, when Sanghyuk's body is so tired that his mind can't help but forget all the terrible things that have been done to him. 

Hongbin sighs affectionately and goes over to pull off Sanghyuk's sweater. But Sanghyuk is so tired that he's docile, completely malleable, and Hongbin has, in all the good things that have happened, forgotten that some people's minds may forget certain things, but their bodies might never forget. If anyone knows that first-hand, it's him. Sanghyuk's hands automatically go to pull off his shirt over his head. 

"No, it's okay." Hongbin quickly presses his hands down. "Just go to sleep." 

Sanghyuk pauses for a while, because he has to please Sir, can't just – but after a while he turns over. 

Hongbin tucks him in, whispers a soft good night, and pads out of the room as softly as he can manage. 

It was a good day.