[TW: Self-harm, disordered eating] ​

“Yo. Sanghyuk, like, dude. Dude. Bro. You’ve got to calm down.” Niel keeps on straightening the hair of the model in front of him, slender fingers parting sections of hair.

It’s fascinating to watch – cathartic, even, until Sanghyuk’s brain had to do that thing where it drifts off into a thousand worries, and he gets locked into his head, not even aware of it until he has to get snapped out of it. He looks down at his right hands, and it’s frantically tapping on his thigh, the thumb of his left hand rubbing against the skin of his second finger. He does this so often it’s not surprising anymore. But he still sits on his hands, wills them not to spazz out like an abnormal person, and most importantly, hopes that Niel doesn’t notice the way his hands still flutter with anxiety and the need to express it somewhere.

The room is quiet other than the whir of the hair straightener. Niel doesn’t make small talk with him when he has hair appointments, which leaves Sanghyuk plenty of time to think. Today, his brain is telling him to worry about Hongbin, to force him into a corner of anxiety about something that hasn’t even happened yet.

“You’re so stressed all the time.” Niel says and looks up at him through the mirror. “You have got to take things more easily.”

Sanghyuk forces a humourless laugh, because he knows it’s the proper response. “Yeah. I know.”

“Anyway, I’ll have to leave in a while – I’ve got another appointment somewhere else. What are you going to do?” He starts to pack his things in a bag and the woman stands up to leave, but not before giving Sanghyuk a coy look.

He averts the flirting gaze. Nothing stirs and Sanghyuk just feels hollow.

“I think Leo sunbae has a shoot in 4F now, go look for him…?”  

“Um, yeah, sure,” Sanghyuk says. “Do you know what time, hyung?”   

Niel pulls out a schedule, runs his finger down the list, and nods. “Yo, sorry I can’t hang out with you today by the way.”

“No worries,” Sanghyuk says, his ears going a little pink.

“Okay, I really have to go now.” Niel lugs his bag behind him, his equipment way too large for his frame, but he still walks with a certain charisma anyway. “I’ll see you soon!”

“Okay hyung,” Sanghyuk stands up to bow deeply after him.

He writes a large ‘4F’ on the back of his hand with a thick black marker.

***

He’s glad he did that.

After Niel leaves, his brain short-circuits. He slowly forgets everything, from what he’s supposed to do until he can’t even remember what building he’s in. His head is an empty plain of fog.

He doesn’t remember where he is when he thunks his head against the wall repeatedly – again and again and again, until he starts to feel.

***

Sanghyuk watches Leo as he finishes up his photoshoot from the side. He thinks no one in the studio even takes notice of him hiding in the shadows but Leo gives him a smile when the photographer stops to check the shots and Sanghyuk is taken aback by Leo’s eye for observation. It makes sense, though, that Leo would know how to spot the very things that are trying to hide. Junyoung doesn’t even see him even though he’s in charge of checking the set.

Leo gives a huge bow and a loud “thank you for your hard work” when he’s finished, but the moment he steps out of the space, out of the spotlight, he sheds Leo like a second skin as he takes off his blazer and goes straight into Taekwoon. He looks more than happy to jog over to Sanghyuk, who's holding up a bottle of water.

“Hello, hyung.” Sanghyuk says quietly and Taekwoon smiles before taking a long swig.

“Hi kiddo.” Taekwoon ruffles his hair. “Did I do good on the photoshoot?”       

“I think you were fantastic. As always.” Sanghyuk says and even though he means it, it comes out a little bit too stiff for comfort. “Which one is this for again?”

“Nylon Korea cover.” Taekwoon sits down in front of a mirror and starts to remove the most of his makeup with a remover. “Hakyeon’s gonna buy a copy regardless of what I say and he’s going to send you a picture of it regardless of what I say so I guess you’ll see it next month.”

It takes a long while for Taekwoon to get the remnants of the makeup off even though it’s light, and Sanghyuk can’t help but think he’s spending a little longer than necessary to make sure it’s all off. “What’re you doing here? Where’s Hongbin?”                                                 

“Hongbin hyung had work to do.” Sanghyuk says.

Taekwoon nods as he puts down the cotton, rubs a hand across his face, and finishes the rest of the water in one huge gulp. His face is red in a few places where he’s rubbed too hard.

“And he’s off talking to Hakyeon hyung.”

“I see,” Taekwoon shoots the empty water bottle into a bin. “But well, that was my last photoshoot. Wanna hang out for a bit?”

Red flags go up in Sanghyuk’s mind and even though housewarming had taught him to push that away, it’s still hard to completely trust someone. But Taekwoon’s half-smile – soft, gentle, rare, and way too smart for Sanghyuk, changes his mind. Taekwoon uses his smiles sparingly.

“Where?”                                                                                                                                                         

“We can go to the café downstairs if you want to. I’ll buy you a cake.”  Taekwoon packs up his stuff, which really consists of his phone, two books, and then a bunch of stationary like pens for drawing or writing. “I’m famished and I need to eat.”

“Okay hyung,” Sanghyuk says, texting Hongbin as he goes.

Hyung, I’m going to the café downstairs with Taekwoon hyung. Is that okay?                      

The reply comes back with a beep only a few seconds later.                 

Their red velvet cake is really good! Have fun! I’ll go look for you in about half an hour?

Sanghyuk replies with an Okay hyung, thanks and he gets a thumbs up emoji back.                     

They walk out of the studio together, Taekwoon’s shoulder bumping once or twice into his and Sanghyuk doesn’t flinch. The heat of Taekwoon feels way too comforting in this cold studio where everyone knows each other but no one really does. He’s not going to be safer anywhere else but next to Taekwoon.

***

The coffee shop is loud and bustling and so full of people that it makes Sanghyuk unsettled. He delays stepping into the shop until he looks at every single face of every single customer, barista, and every possible exit if he’s cornered, and Taekwoon lets him take his time, doesn't push nor question. In the end, they settle for sitting at the corner of the shop, where the sunlight filters through the glass of the building and lands on the floor in front of their feet. There is glare in their eyes but that also means they’re hidden (enough, at least) by the darkness.

They chat for a bit, just until Taekwoon catches his breath. Sanghyuk knows that just before these few months, Taekwoon took a dramatically long break from the industry under Hakyeon’s orders because he wasn’t doing too well. And until now, Hakyeon still doesn’t let him take on the load he used to take on before but... for good reason, seeing how Taekwoon already looks so physically drained from the shoot. They only stand up a good twenty into talking to get something to eat. Leo does all the talking, Sanghyuk just meekly pointing to a cake because he puked up all of breakfast the moment he could get into a toilet alone, and mostly because he doesn't want Hongbin to notice that he's purging again. He's not going to enjoy that talk.

The cashier relays the drink order to the kitchen as Taekwoon points to the end of the counter and only manages to make himself heard over the crowd. “Can you stand over there to pick up your cake? My drink will probably take longer.”

Sanghyuk nods and leans against the edge of the pick-up counter. He can see the employee getting his cake, putting it on the plate, the people standing around him impatiently waiting for their drinks are too close for comfort. When people come too close to him his heart just starts pumping, even if they're not looking at him. His ears are starting to ring, he's doing everything he can to hide the scars on his hand and the grey starts to creep in from the corners of his eyes –

“Red velvet!” The barista calls out in the nick of time.              

Sanghyuk steps forward, trying his best not to apologize to the rushing customers who have perpetual frowns on their faces, who are not angry at him, remember, remember, remember, and takes the plate off the counter.

“Thanks, enjoy your meal!”                                                            

Sanghyuk tries to mumble a thank you but the barista is already off tending to another customer. He turns around before remembering that he needs a fork to eat his cake with. He walks to the island to get the things he needs, then he feels someone pressing up close against him from the back. He’s way too close for normalcy - way, way too close, ​and Sanghyuk is very sure it’s not just his mind giving him wrong signals.

“Ah, that’s right.” The voice is deep, dark, familiar and the hairs on the back of Sanghyuk’s neck peak. “I heard you ran away.”



***



[A/N: http://asianfanfics.com/blog/view/1065092]