Sanghyuk just can’t ignore the man sitting right next to him at such a close proximity. He can see him in the corner of his eye and hear him humming. It’s making him so unbelievably, immensely uncomfortable. Sanghyuk turns his head for the second time in the last minute to make sure the man isn’t coming for him, or even paying him any attention.

But the man’s eyes blazes at Sanghyuk as he takes out his left earpiece and rolls his eyes. “What –”

Sanghyuk quickly drops his eyes, rubbing his sweaty palms on his jeans, nostrils flaring as he tries to keep his breathing under control. Once – twice –

The man gets up from his seat to walk towards Sanghyuk. “, what the hell?”

The sight of him standing up already makes Sanghyuk want to drop straight off the cliff into hyperventilation, but it’s the jarring noise of the chair scraping on the floor that really sets Sanghyuk off. His mind is screaming at him to just run out of the room but the nerve impulses must have got lost along the way because he can’t seem to move at all. So he does the next best thing –

Dropping to his knees immediately, his PSP resting on his thigh, flinching at every footstep. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I won’t do it again, I’m sorry, don’t hurt me. I’m sorry.”

The model in the shoot breaks out of character to look past Hongbin and he almost snaps at her but he moves away from his viewfinder because he can’t just choose to be unprofessional. Hongbin turns back to look and curses loudly, hastily shoving his camera into the hands of his assistant.

He tries to keep it down to a brisk walk but he ends up running instead. Sanghyuk is shaking. And also kneeling. Arguably, it’s a serious situation.

“Hey, hey, hey.” Hongbin says gently, stopping at a distance that wouldn’t make Sanghyuk want to bolt.             

Sanghyuk looks up tentatively at Hongbin and immediately whispers a “hyung”. Thank god at least Sanghyuk can recognize him.

“It’s okay. He didn’t mean anything.” Hongbin tries to press down on the panic rising in his voice. “Stand up, please.”

Sanghyuk shakes his head and continues to look down at his lap. “I – I did something wrong.”

“It wasn’t even anything big. Please just stand up before someone sees.” The man hisses, with a tone that is clearly angry.  

The set is starting to quiet down, everyone hushing up, watching with semi-frozen expressions and still-busy hands. 

Hongbin pulls Sanghyuk up by the arm (kneels down to his level before touching) and the younger boy gets an “I’m sorry” in before hiding behind Hongbin.

Hongbin keeps a soft grip on Sanghyuk’s wrist, turning to look at the man. “Hyung!”

“I didn’t even do anything, man!” Leo shouts in a voice louder than Hongbin has ever heard before. “He was just looking at me. Like, actually full-out staring.”

Hongbin looks at Sanghyuk then back at Leo. “Ugh, sorry hyung. Where are my manners – Hi hyung. How have you been?”

Leo ignores the greeting and shoots a glare at Hongbin. “Who is he?”

“Um…” Hongbin lets go of Sanghyuk and steps to the side. Sanghyuk anxiously reaches out to pull at his sleeve. “This is Sanghyuk and Sanghyuk, this is Leo hyung.”

Sanghyuk gives a deep bow before shifting back to hide behind Hongbin. They’re close enough that Hyuk’s shoulders touches Hongbin’s back.

“Why the hell is he doing that?”

Hongbin winces as he feels the grip on his sleeve tighten. “He’s just not good with people. Don’t be mean, hyung.”

“I’m not good with people and I don’t do that.” Leo grumbles. “Whatever. Go away.”

“I’m not done with my shoot, though.” Hongbin glances around to find an empty spot for Sanghyuk but – “Hyung, can I leave him with you?”

Sanghyuk freezes up a bit behind Hongbin.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Leo shoves his earpiece back into his ear and leans further into his chair. “Whatever. Do whatever you want.”

Hongbin turns around and Sanghyuk frantically shakes his head.

“Hey, I know he looks scary, but he really isn’t. He’s a good friend and he’s really not going to do anything to you.” Hongbin squeezes Sanghyuk’s shoulders – it always works. “That – thing – before was a misunderstanding. He really didn’t mean anything. Just don’t, you know, stare at him. He’s not okay with people staring at him. Can you do it for me?”

Sanghyuk wants to tell Hongbin that he can’t, that he’s so scared and embarrassed that his body just literally turned into this useless bag of flesh minutes ago in front of all these people. He wants to tell Hongbin that he feels like he’s dying, and his skin is crawling, heart drumming, that there are fireworks in his ears that don’t stop, lungs that don’t really feel like lungs, and that –

“Hey, listen to me. Remember what I told you about Hakyeon? How I trusted him because he did me a super huge favor?” Hongbin says in a desperate attempt to stop Sanghyuk from falling back into his panic. “I trust this hyung as much as a trust Hakyeon. And that’s a lot.”

It occurs, vaguely, to Sanghyuk even through his hysteria that there’s nowhere else that he can really go. It’s either this, or nothing. And so he forces himself to halt all the volcanoes in his throat. Because the last thing he would want is for Hongbin to feel like he’s not worth it anymore and just – just send him away. Worse still, send him back. 

Sanghyuk takes a deep breath and lets it out.  His eyebrows furrow and his pupils flicker in deep confusion. The words are sticking to the walls of his throat “Okay. I just – I just –”

Hongbin leans in (habit from the past few days) and Sanghyuk says it softly next to his ear, knowing that he’s safe that nobody else can hear. “I just don’t – I can’t – um – I don’t know how to say – um – stop...? I don’t – I don’t –”

“Shh.” Hongbin says when Sanghyuk’s words start tripping on one another. It flows over Hongbins’ lips like a tiny dust particle but it the whole world in. Or that’s how it feels like for Sanghyuk. Right now, the universe is moving around them. And they have all the time in the world, even if they really don’t. “Stop. Don’t panic, okay? Calm down. I’m right here.”

Sanghyuk swallows the knot in his throat and closes his eyes to cool the lava-burning heat behind his eyes. “Okay.”

“Hyuk-ah, he’s not going to hurt you. That I can promise. But remember what I told you? If anyone tries to hurt you, you run. I’ll be right there, so call for me – shout – whatever. Taekwoon hyung won’t hurt you. I know you can be brave.” Hongbin says, and he means it.

Sanghyuk face breaks out into a shocked, shaky, lopsided smile. Forced, but still precious.   

“And – don’t – don’t kneel, Sanghyuk. That’s not –” He stops himself just in the nick of time. “Just say you’re sorry. Try not to kneel, alright?”

Sanghyuk nods. He feels safe, like this, giving himself to Hongbin. It feels like a Sir taking care of him, even if Hongbin isn’t doing it correctly at all.

---

“Do you want water?”

Sanghyuk whips his head around to stare at Leo. “What?” 

“I said – do you want water?” Sanghyuk opens his mouth to decline but nothing comes out, so he’s just opening and closing his mouth like an idiot. “Whatever, man. Just take it.”

The bottle lands hastily in Sanghyuk’s hands and Leo just plugs his earphones back into his phone. Sanghyuk doesn’t think Leo is listening but he says a soft “thank you” anyway and Leo smirks to himself.

Sanghyuk uncaps the bottle and allows himself to relax when he finds that it’s new. The water runs down his throat in a refreshing stream and realizes that he actually really, really needed water.

Leo must be good at reading people. 

---

Hongbin ends work 3 hours later since he couldn’t bring himself to focus anymore – too many shoots in too short a period of time – so he postpones it to two days later. Leo stays there, right behind Sanghyuk, for all of the three hours, only moving to reach out for his portable charger behind him.

Sanghyuk knows Hongbin feels happy about it, looking backwards sometimes to smile a grateful smile at him. But the truth is that Sanghyuk doesn’t know how to feel about what is happening, nor if he can even identify the feelings he’s feeling right now. He would be the first to admit that being left alone with a complete stranger is a humongous achievement from his point of view, but it also makes him feel like he’s utterly useless. He has been studying everyone around him for the past two hours, watching every fleeting touch, every emotion. And they all seem like they’re doing such a good job at feeling… things.

With him, it’s numbness, and sound, but only white sound. The one you hear when you try to look for a frequency but all you get is the emptiness between. Other than those two discernable feelings, it’s fear. And it’s not an emotion anyone should be particularly proud of. Fear of people, fear of his Sirs, fear of pain, but most of all, the fear of himself. He feels like he has himself locked inside a room and that he threw the key away into a void of nothingness because he’d rather die than risk someone getting a hold of the key. He has himself buried so deep within his own brain that he’s scared that maybe – love, openness, trust – all of those things, he can’t do anymore. But, at the same time, it’s worse acknowledging that underneath all of his impenetrable layer, the parts of his old self are still there. That he knows he’s capable of being normal, of being left alone with a complete stranger for three hours for example, yet he just can’t seem to do it.

Academically, he knows that it shouldn’t be hard for him to feel emotions – he’s only human, too. But it’s so hard to actually do it. He tries to chase after every single thought, but he always loses grasp of it. So he just sits in that chair with a complete stranger behind him, frustrated, angry, but scared.

Still scared.