This is the most number of kind people Sanghyuk has ever been surrounded with. This is the most number of people Sanghyuk has ever voluntarily allowed into a room with him. And yet, his hands are shaking and the muscles in his toes are clenched so tightly they burn: an interesting paradox of temperatures happening in one body. In one body of a boy that has seen so much – too much.

Hongbin had let him wear his shoes because to him, its an important symbol of freedom. If he doesn’t like what he’s doing he can just walk out on his own accord. He’s starting to re-think that decision, because he must look a little strange, being the only person in the room with shoes on.

Despite his fear, he attempts a smile. It comes out all crooked and uneven, but he can spot Hakyeon smiling back, and it’s more than enough. Hongbin gives him a small thumbs-up.

He coaxes the piece of paper out from the pocket of his jeans. Taekwoon has a small frown on his face, like he doesn’t know what is going on. Nakhun looks almost… proud. Niel looks as mischievous as ever, Wonshik scratches the side of his beanie, and Byungjun shifts a little closer to Daewon so he can loop his arm around his boyfriend’s.

“Hi,” Sanghyuk starts but it comes out a little hoarse and his throat clicks. “Sorry – Hi. Hi everyone. Um, thank you, for coming down today.”

If his voice shakes, no one embarrasses him to point it out. In his head, an unknown ballad plays as he locks his eyes on not-anyone-in-particular. The rhythm folds outwards until he feels like he’s singing his words and it makes it easier for him to speak.

“I’m sure – all of you have heard about the recent news. The one – The one about t – the u – al slavery t – thing.”

On his script it says take a deep breath, it’s starting, so he does, but it’s not as deep of a breath as he would’ve liked.

“I’m the one.” Sanghyuk says surely, and he ignores the slight stiffening of everyone’s shoulders. “When I was 5 I was abducted off the sidewalk of an orphanage.”

From then on, he doesn’t really hear himself. He just sinks into the roaring of his ears and… reads, even though he can memorize every word by heart. He forces his mouth to move, his eyes to translate the letters, and he doesn’t care if his brain wants him to stop. This is rehearsal – if he can’t get through this, he’s not gong to be able to testify in court, not when he’s surrounded by strangers.

“Most of the rumors are true. I’ve been beat up, tortured to an inch of my life, , groomed, starved, abused, ever since I was taken. My BMI was 16.2 when Hongbin first found me on the streets, and I had a lot of… trouble, with my food, when I first came here. I still have trouble now, on some days. And on those days I wonder why I haven’t – killed myself. Because I didn’t just almost-die from starvation. I actually wish I had.”

“When… When all your life you’ve been stepped on, degraded, treating like you’re lesser than, you just don’t know how to be yourself anymore. You feel like, you’re not even a human being. One part because you try to protect yourself so you tell yourself you’re worthless. Another part because you slowly forget what it means to be happy, or to be sad, or to take a free breath. You stop being able to say… no, or to know what’s good for yourself: like how to tell when you’re hungry, or drink when you’re thirsty, or go get a blanket when you’re cold without having to think about the consequences of doing it. I’m a teenager now, but I still have to consciously remind myself to not kneel, or that it’s okay to sit on furniture. Hongbin hyung still has to remind me sometimes that it’s okay for me to take whatever I want from the kitchen. I – I have nightmares, and flashbacks, and sometimes I see things that just, aren’t there at all.”

“But – But I really think I’ve come a long way from that. Because of all of you. When I was a kid I would pray for my broken bones to heal faster so it wouldn’t hurt that much the next time I got tossed around, when I should have been watching cartoons, or playing with my friends. But these few days I’ve been thinking about what Christmas feels like with all of you.”

“T – These few months, together with Hongbin hyung, I’ve been thinking about what… what a normal life feels like. I’m re-learning, and trying my best, to be a person and to be myself, even though it is very hard. Everything is still very hard for me, and it may continue to be this way for the rest of my life.”

The world suddenly comes into focus, his blurry vision adjusting almost like a dial being toggled as his speech turns from talking about the past to talking about the future. His future. His wonderful future. There’s still some more to the script, but when he looks down the words run out on the paper. He must’ve forgotten – he must’ve – where is the rest of the script? He starts to panic, temple suddenly starting to hurt, he’s completely messing this up, when Hongbin gestures to him from where he sits next to Taekwoon. He taps his arm, giving Sanghyuk an encouraging nod.

Sanghyuk swallows.

And slowly, Sanghyuk rolls up his sleeves, eyes closed as he does, at least for the first few seconds, because he doesn’t want to see the immediate look of disgust on his friends’ faces.

“Most of you have never seen my scars, but h – here they are.” Sanghyuk holds out his arms. “The rest of my body look like… this, as well.”

He lets his arms fall to his side, registering the shock on everyone’s face. Hongbin tells him if that he sees any disgust, that disgust is definitely not directed towards him.

“But I want to thank all of you for, um, for still. For being my… For still talking to me. Despite these scars.” Sanghyuk says, voice a little less confident, because its presumptuous to think that everyone in the room likes him. He knows he’s not likeable. “I know I’m a little quiet. And I get scared easily. And half the time I need you to repeat things because my brain is too loud, thinking about where the nearest safety point is. But I’m trying to, um, I’m trying to take back my life. Thank you for being part of that journey, and I hope you guys will still support me for the rest of it, especially over the next few months.”

He realizes that he says all of that while directly looking at everyone and without looking down at his script. It shocks him, that he’s been so bold with his own emotions, and suddenly there’s too many sensations hitting him all at once, so he squeaks a final, “thank you”, before walking straight out of the house, looking backwards to see if Hongbin is following him and he is, grabbing two coats.

The moment the front door closes, Sanghyuk’s legs give out and he just only manages to catch himself on the railing of the balcony. He can feel Hongbin wrapping one coat around him as he rests his head on his forearms, breathing heavily. The cold of the railings biting into his white-knuckled hands helps with bringing him back down to earth, and so does the backrub Hongbin is giving him.

“You’re okay, you’re okay,” Hongbin shushes, pressing Sanghyuk close to him in the frigid air. “You did it, oh my god. You did it.”

“I did it,” Sanghyuk gasps out, trying to catch his own breath while taking in the cold. “I did it.”

It takes a while for Sanghyuk to calm down fully, but the moment he does, he stumbles towards Hongbin. Hongbin opens his arms, ready to catch him if he falls, but Sanghyuk just wraps his arms around Hongbin’s neck, and oh. Sanghyuk is pressing into him, like he doesn’t know any other way to say what he wants to say.

Hongbin’s arms come up Sanghyuk’s back and he squeezes, whispering, “I’m so proud of you. You did it.”

And when Sanghyuk replies, it’s a whisper that is a warm breath on Hongbin’s cold neck. “Thank you.”

***

When they return to the apartment, Sanghyuk thinks he won’t be able to find a single safe space anymore, but it’s nothing he expects. People are just… eating from the potluck, enjoying the company of friends, and not even talking behind his back.

Taekwoon gives him a wink when they meet eyes, temporarily stopping his solo food show. When Byungjun spots him, the already loud boy shouts a, “Welcome back!” much to Daewon’s dismay and everyone in the room looks up, smiling.

People come up to shake his hand, to pat his head, to give him hugs, and some people apologize even though they don’t have to. Hakyeon takes both his hands in his and rubs the back of them, giving him a smile so infectious he laughs as well. When everything gets too much, and the line of people gets too long, Taekwoon just reaches over from the dining table and pulls him away from everyone else to take a seat, glaring at anyone who grumbles about Taekwoon being possessive. He fills a plate to the brim and sets it down in front of Sanghyuk, then continues shoveling noodles in his mouth. Sanghyuk laughs and starts to eat as well.

Hongbin squeezes his shoulders and leaves to go play host.

From the dining table, Sanghyuk watches with a quiet happiness, and takes extra meat for Taekwoon. They talk about books while watching Wonshik and Byungjun talk about hip-hop. Byungjun is as sticky as jam to Daewon, and its the same with Nakhun and Yoon. Niel finds a new friend in Hakyeon.

Sanghyuk feels stronger than he has ever felt in his life. Who knows, he just might be able to do this.

[A/N]: Last 10 chapters, we're nearing the end