From: Leo hyung

This is Leo.

Just in case you’re worrying about just now, there’s nothing to worry about.

***

From: Hongbin hyung

Hyuk-ah. I’m leaving the studio. Stay next to Leo hyung. I’ll be back in… an hour? See you in a bit!

***

From: Hakyeon hyung

Hello Sanghyuk-ah! Your name is really adorable ^_^ Its Hakyeon hyung! It was nice to meet you today!! You are very cute. And you shouldn’t be scared of me, understand? >.< I’m a nice hyung, promise. If there’s anything that you need, don’t feel sorry for asking! I’ll try my best to help you. ^_^* After all, we’re going to be close in the future so there’s nothing to worry about!! J We can go out for lunch someday with Leo if you’d like! (I hope he isn’t too mean to you. He just looks cold he’s actually very warm and cuddly on the inside~~ that misunderstood kid) Come over soon!! <3 <3

PS. Keep an eye on Hongbin for me, will you? So worrying, that one. L

***

From: Hakyeon hyung

You replied me!!!!!! ^_^ Kong told me you wouldn’t because I was too annoying. Anyway, why do you type so awkwardly?? You type exactly like Leo >.< This cannot happen I must teach you how to text!!! J

PS. I’m not that annoying right!!!

***

From: Hakyeon hyung

Don’t reply that.

***

They watch another movie during dinner – steak, which Sanghyuk has never tried before in his life. It feels like an explosion in his mouth, and he immediately adds it to his list of favorite foods. The list really only consists of whatever Hongbin has let him eat so far, but, well, he tries to look at the positive side of things.

One of the first thing he learns with Sir is that his body isn’t his anymore, save his mind. But even then, his Sirs all try to mess with his thoughts and Sanghyuk’s not entirely sure if his brain is still the same as the one he started out with. He thinks of a grey mush in his stone skull, pulsing with the possibility that maybe it’s still half-alive.

Soojin Sir used to bathe him, feed him, do everything for him (and to him as well, but it wasn’t nearly as painful as the other Sirs), and because of that, he’s completely useless now. He forgets that he has to open the windows if the room is stuffy, he forgets to bathe five minutes after Hongbin tells him to, he forgets that the sharp, growling pain in his stomach means that he’s hungry. And even when he’s hungry, he forgets to eat, even when the plate is right in front of him. He forgets how to take care of himself, his own needs, how to keep himself alive, because he’s never known what it’s like to not walk on eggshells.

His first tuition lesson is in two days’ time and he can’t help but feel that he’s not ready for it. How good of a student can he be, really, if he can’t even remember to go to sleep unless someone tells him to? And of course there’s the possibility that the tutor is going to be the same type of person that his Sirs were – knives, thorns, paper cuts. It wouldn’t be horrible if the tutor is like Soojin Sir though, he thinks, because at least he’s nice until he doesn’t want to be.

Hongbin preps him for the classes, which would probably sound almost-hilarious to anyone else, but it’s something that he takes seriously.

“What do you say if you need some fresh air?”   

“Sorry, could we take a break please?”

“If you need to go to the toilet?” (This question had tripped him up the first few times and he spends the rest of those evenings under his covers, curled up at the foot of the bed, shaking and scared out of his mind for no reason other than the fact that he doesn’t want to acknowledge what he wants, or what he might want)

“... I’ll – I’ll go use the washroom. For a bit.”

“What do you say if you’re not following the lesson?” (This one tripped him too)

“Sorry, could you rep – repeat that please? I didn’t catch it.”

“See? You’re okay! You’re totally okay. You’ll be fine when he comes. Remember, you don’t have to continue the lesson if you don’t want to. I promise.”

If there’s one thing that he’s allowed to hope for, is that the new tutor doesn’t touch him at all. No one really lays their hands on him unless it’s out of pure reflex, like molecules being attracted to one another then quickly bumping off the surface when a foul reaction happens. Maybe that’s how normal skinship feels to everybody else except him. Maybe it really is something wonderful, like bridges being laid out or roads being built. But considering how everyone he’s in contact with on a frequent basis only consists of two people – Leo and Hongbin, when he says no one touches him, he really means none of them touch him.

Now he’s going to have to meet someone entirely new for three hours every day – someone that might be touchy, or someone that might want to touch him in ways that he does not like.  But Hongbin doesn’t tell him what to do if the tutor touches him – or hurts him – he doesn’t really remember the difference between the two anymore.

So he tells himself that he’ll just take it if it happens. He just doesn’t know if he’s ready to… be good for someone yet.                                                                                                                                                                      

 Sanghyuk wonders how long Hongbin can prep him. Life definitely isn’t like a prearranged lesson. Life is going to hit him right in the face, like at the studio, and he can’t possibly be prepped for disasters like those.

***

When he wakes up the next morning, its 4.13am, and he doesn’t think the birds can even sing for him even if they tried. The nightmares had been persistent the whole night, every attack rendering him boneless, drained, but most of all, scared to go back to sleep. The nightmares are more jolting than they are tiring and he has to whisper assurances to himself until his mouth is dry before he can manage to fall back into a semi-sleep. Like the sweat sheening his back, the dreams cling onto him like grains of sand – the more he tries to scrub them off, the more his hands become dirty and stained.

The hands in the dream are endless and they are pushing, roaming, pushing against his body and –

He gulps down the glass of water in his hands and lets it drop into the sink. Then he realizes that he has absolutely no idea how he got to the kitchen and no recollection of pouring himself a glass. There’s a ripple of electricity that goes through his frame and he feels so alive that it’s scary. Sanghyuk can hear everything, feel everything – the type of alive that means high-strung, dissociated, hypersensitive, abnormal.

Hongbin’s door creaks open.                                                                                                           

It’s 5.04am and Sanghyuk doesn’t know where he’s losing all these digits to. They have to go somewhere, don’t they? Where are they going to, where are they going to, where are they –

Breakfast isn’t ready and Sanghyuk freaks out. The panic from not knowing where exactly he’s been for the past hour, the anxiety from not having started anything, and the leftover fear form the nightmares threaten to tip him off the edge. But Hongbin just shuffles to the sofa, collapses, and starts to snore.

Sanghyuk drops to his knees right in the middle of the kitchen. The pain of the tiles digging into his bones grounds him and it feels so wrong that it almost feels right, marble, wood, or not.

[A/N] Don't worry, things are going to pick up soon.