Chapter 10

I stared at the pen I was holding. Actually I am never good at writing letters. Okay so tell me, how can I win him if I could not write a decent letter?  I cannot even decide on what or how my greeting should be.

Should I write…?

 I settled with, the plain Kim Jonghyun and started to scribble everything I wanted to say.

Kim Jonghyun,

I no longer want to see or hear from you.

I hate you, off.

Okay. Not ideal. If I really want Jonghyun back to my life I should at least be composed, honest and sincere. So I’ll just start writing what’s really on my mind.

Kim Jonghyun,

Well, where should I start?

Should I start by saying thank you for everything? Sorry for what I'm about to say? Or -- I love you?

There are days when I miss you so much I would break down and cry for days. Sometimes I want to rip off this façade like I did on that fateful night, but I can't because you'll get scared and I’m afraid that you'll run away.

So instead of saying this and to avoid this awkward eye contact, I wrote my feelings down, hoping this would change something.

Let me start off with:

I’ve always thought I’ve been honest to you, but the truth is, I was not. I have also thought that we had this connection then again I was wrong for the second time, there wasn’t.

I can’t — are two painful words that you don’t wish to hear when you begged of something, sad to say it’s the exact two words you replied when I ask you to try.

When you said, I can’t, I thought I could withstand the pain, I thought I could, but that was a figment of my delusion mind. That night became one of the obscure ones that I had experienced. I took it badly, I cried the hardest and I tried to distract myself but it seems like nothing is working, nothing is right.

I was hurt and I’m still hurting. I’m angry but I couldn’t be mad at you.

I may sound pathetic and desperate. This may not come out right but I want to try again, say it right this time, hoping I could change your mind this time.

I love you.

- Kwon Nam Gyu

---

When I picked up the phone to call him and try to change his mind, I know I should not be doing this because he already made a closure of us, but when he picks up the phone and says hello, all the should and shouldn’t fly away.

“Hi?” I said.

“Gyu?” His voice sounded surprised as if my existence to him had died already and I am just a ghoul, back from the grave, making this phenomenal call. “Hey. What’s up? What can I do for you?” He said like everything is good between us.

Love me back? I wanted to say as my eyes begin to water, but I valiantly