Chapter 24

Let go, Cut him completely out of your life. You've had the past 10 steps to stare at his pictures and memorize his notes, now get rid of them, or just hide them some place you might forget about them.   She is approaching from a far far far distance. How am I to express my shaking heart? She stole my heart from the very start and gave me an illness that I cannot recover from.   I let Jonghyun hold me in this kind of weather. I can hear the rain pouring outside and it’s his voice that sounds more distinct. He does remember, I thought as he continues to sing flowerpot. Jonghyun once told me that it was his song for me. It was the same song he sang to me to sleep before.   I want to become a flowerpot. I pray all the time. I want to become a flowerpot that stands on her small window sill, even if I won't be able to say a word or expect anything. From time to time I'll receive her smile and care and just watch her sleeping face.   My eyelids were slowly falling. Of course he didn’t notice. Jonghyun wraps me with his arms and I buried my head on his shoulders. My face was pressed on his neck, like I was checking his temperature.   After a short while, Jonghyun abruptly stood up, “I’ll be back, Gyu. Wait for me,” he says and went out through the door as quietly possible.    ---   I watch the rain drops collide into my windows. The skies are still crying again—and I couldn’t do anything. I wanted to tell it to stop, but will it listen to me? I wanted to comfort it, but will it let me to? I hug my knees as coldness wraps my body. There’s this empty feeling again. In fact I couldn’t feel anything. I feel too numb, bothered, I feel hatred and most of all empty. Just like this house.   .   I heard Jonghyun rustling outside the door. Then he came in and flicked on the light. It burned my eyes. The rain had darkened his hair, pressed it against his skull. He held up his empty hands, then reached behind and brought out a bouquet of roses.   I hated the roses. I couldn’t help it. I hated the red wet trick roses he was holding. They reminded me of the morning I went to school and opened my locker to see a single red rose that was clipped to remove the thorns. They reminded me of the petals floating in the tub last night.   Jonghyun handed me the roses and took off his jacket. The water had gone through to his shirt so that it stuck to his shoulders and chest.   “Thank you, Jonghyun,” I said in a voice that sounded too controlled, too cold. I didn’t mean it to. I put the roses down beside me, trying to keep in mind exactly what I was going to tell him.   “I have to talk to you,” I said.   Jonghyun sat on the narrow bed with me. I could smell the rain that soaked into him. Starring at his eyelashes, I tried not to think of how those eyes looked at me, how the eyelids trembled when he came.   The blank, emotionless expression swept over his face as the realization of the moment gradually seeped in. The fear seemed to rise behind Jonghyun’s eyes. “I love you Kwon Nam Gyu.” He says in complete haste. Like he knew what we’re going to talk about.   I smiled sadly at him. “Jonghyun-ah, why do you want me to stay?   “What?” He looks perplexed.  “What do you mean?”   “Why do want me to stay with you?”   “You…” Jonghyun pauses to in a lungful air. “You are like a part of me, and I need you. I couldn’t go on without you.”    I look at him—just stare at him, before I answer. “I'm sorry.” I exhale, quite loudly. “I can’t stay... If you want me to stay coz you can’t go on without me, I can’t —I can’t do that.”    “Why? Is this about Se Kyung? We b—I b—”   “No, Jonghyun. It’s not about her. It’s about me. I can’t do this anymore. I won’t do it halfway either. It’s not fair to you or to myself if we keep this going. Particularly, if I’m not doing it whole heartedly...”   Jonghyun stares at me, stunned. He blinks his eyes a countless of times—his eyes were now glossy. His body is sort of rocking back and forth.  I wanted to stop. I can’t do this to Jonghyun. Watching him in this state is too painful for me. But I already said it aloud, it’s not fair. It’s unfair if we continue this. I swallowed hard—steeling my nerves.   “I stayed here loving you as best as I could, but that love made me not sad but I guess melancholy—for the reason that