Chapter 22

Don't rethink your decision,

If the breakup was your decision, keep in mind that only thinking about all the good times you had with your partner may cause you to forget the reasons why you broke it off. Don't play this game with yourself. Accept the situation and work on moving forward.

When I wake up the next morning Jonghyun isn’t here.   The first thing that pops in my mind is that, perhaps he finally and did realize that what happened yesterday was a big mistake, what he said was a complete preposterous thing and he’s crawling back to Shin Se Kyung now.   I won’t take this against him—in fact if this would really happen, I would be glad even more. I wanted Jonghyun to be happy and I’m certain that I can’t give that happiness to him. I don’t know… It seems to me that I can only give him pain and a nervous breakdown. That happiness can only be found from her.   I take a quick glance at myself in the bathroom mirror. I let my hair down; it was in soft curls. I wear a three quarters length plaid polo and a gray under shirt. But it wasn’t the hair nor the preppy look that caught my attention—it was the abrupt change in my surrounding.   There are two to everything: two toothbrushes, two towels, two pairs of slippers, two mugs, two plates and etc. It’s all new for me. I’ve been alone since my father left. Occasionally friends do visit but they don’t live with me.   This— is really unusual for me. I stop wondering.   ---   At school, I admit, I’m kind of waiting for Choi Minho to appear—not that I’m going to stalk him. I just want to talk to him. I wanted to talk this feeling that bothers me the most. We’re friends— he assured me that. But then, it occurs to me, is there really something that I wanted to tell him? And what was that thing that I wanted to tell Minho?   I confess, fear is overruling me and that fear concerns Minho. If I were to tell to Minho that I’m seeing Jonghyun, he might go berserk, that will be scary. He might kill me for going overboard this time and for making Shin Se Kyung cry. You’ve cross the line this time, he’d definitely say to me.    I scratch my head. I’m in tears. I hate myself.   Was it my fault? I sigh and lean against the wall. I keep on glimpsing sideways. Probably yes. I can simply push Jonghyun away or do it drastically. However Jonghyun’s my best friend. I don’t want to see him in pain. I can’t be selfish. Jonghyun has done many things for me. He’s been good to me that nobody can understand—and staying by his side on situation like this is the only thing I can do as his friend.   Life is simple and we really do complicate it.   The bell rings. I guess he knows and he’s avoiding me. I gave up.   ---   Eating lunch alone is quite painful too. I guess, I’m so used eating together with Minho at school, and now that he’s not here it feels like isolation from the rest of people. I order dak-gui and rice. I turn around with the tray in my hand and was surprise to see Minho smiling, looking tired as there are dark circles under his eyes.   “I overslept. You should wake me up.” He says nonchalantly, but I can hear this slight complaint in his tone as he rubs the back of his head. I stare at him questioning. I wanted to tell him that…   A. We don’t live in one place. That’s why I can’t wake you up. Or B. I can call you—but you never ask me to. Right?   But I didn’t tell him that. Hearing his grumpiness and complaint about the morning—means only one thing—Minho still doesn’t know! We’re still friends! I smile at him until the muscle of my face hurts.   “Sorry… Well, if you wanted me to wake you up next time, just tell me ahead of time and I’ll call you.”   “Promise?”   “Promise.” I raise my right hand to him. “You should eat now. You’re probably hungry.”   “Yeah. I do feel hungry. I didn’t eat anything coz I’m in a hurry. I actually don’t what to miss our class however I wasn’t able to wake up earlier, right?” I nodded. I waited for him at the side as he orders his lunch. Subsequently we look for a table and chair then we eat in silent facing each other.   I keep on peeking at him when I have a chance. He’s eating in haste that tells me he’s that really hungry.   He caught me staring at him. “Nam Gyu, are you okay?” I nodded absentmindedly, piercing the remaining chicken on my plate. “You can tell me anything.” I drop the fork on my plate and take a sip on my ice tea. Minho just said it, you can tell me anything. I wanted to say it but I don’t know how to start it.   “It’s really personal… I can’t tell this to anyone.”   “We’re friends… Come on… tell me. I’m getting bothered as well…” I glimpse at him and back to my fingers under the table. “Is it about Jonghyun-hyung?”   I nodded and bit my lower lip. “Jonghyun and I met yesterday—”   “That explains why he’s not home.”   “—I ended it. I told him that we’re better off as friends. But he said… He said… He loves me.” Minho stared at me blankly. He cocked his eyebrows at me. I swallowed hard.  “He said he’s been in love with me since he was sixteen and he begs me to stay…”   “What did you do?”   “I stayed.”     “You can’t do that. It’s wrong on every level. He has a girlfriend now. He’s with Shin Se Kyung. Everybody knows that.”   Have some dignity, is what he wanted to say but couldn’t bring to tell me.   “I know… Ugh.” I cover my face with my palms. Minho sat beside me and wraps his arm around my shoulder. Rubbing my forearm—comforting me. “I