Chapter 21

Let go, Cut him completely out of your life. You've had the past 10 steps to stare at his pictures and memorize his notes, now get rid of them, or just hide them some place you might forget about them..    

 

The sun rays filtering the glass window—it occurs to me that I’ve been in this position for a very long time. I sit up straight and closed my eyes. I yawn and stretch my arms upward—indeed I am pandiculating again.   For some reason, there were flashbacks of me and Jonghyun.  Like when we were 11, I was teaching him how to ride a bicycle, but to no avail—he really can’t. It was so funny that I can’t stop laughing at him and he did not spoke to me for days.   During our third year at middle school, when we had the annual medical check up, the nurse said that Jonghyun hadn’t got an increase of height and I was sort of teasing him then. And when it was my turn, I got the same result, I didn’t grew taller either. He was nagging (rather boasting) at me—and to us, saying, “I’m still taller than you Gyu, merong~” then I would frown at his statement, for which he will contradict (or probably he just said it to make me feel better) and say, “it’s okay Gyu, I like smaller girls.”   Subsequently, everyday during middle school, I always caught him measuring my height. When we’re walking together (especially when I was in front of him) he would touch the top of my head with his palm  then will touch the tip of his index finger under his nose and would say, “Gyu, you still haven’t grow taller.” For which I will make face and roll my eyes at him. He’d just laugh and run closer so we could walk side by side again.   And then on the night that SHINee made their debut stage, Jonghyun sleep over at my place. Actually, we did not sleep; we just talk and talk and talk. It’s like having an indoor camp as he was cooking meat (he likes it very much.)   I laugh at myself and thought; perhaps this is my brain’s way of reminding me of what I ought to do. Without delay, I get my phone and immediately call him. After two long rings—    “Yobo—”   “Hi Jonghyun. It's me, Nam Gyu.” I know it was weird.  It wasn’t the perfect line to utter to the person you haven’t spoke for a long time and I realize I sound too eager. I talk really fast, obviously not wanting to give him enough time to ask who I was.   “I know.” He says. I notice his voice sounded soft this time compared to the last time we've talked. I laugh silently. On the other line, I picture out that he bites his lower lip as he control his quiet chortles.    “I'm going to have a late lunch... Want to eat together?”   “YAH! Why so late? Don’t you realize that it's bad for your health if you don’t eat on time?”   “I've been busy with our production—”   “Still, you shouldn't miss your –”   “I know. I know. Anyway, can you meet me now?”   “I had lunch.”   “Coffee? How about coffee? At The Tavern?”   “Okay.” He says. “I'll see you in thirty.”   “Great. I have something to tell you too.”       “Is that so important that you have to tell it to me personally?”   He waited for an answer or perhaps a denial. I couldn’t give him anything. I didn’t answer— I feel guilty hearing his excited tone.  I wish I could tell Jonghyun something... but I couldn’t and there wasn’t. “I guess it is... See you later Gyu. I miss you. ” I hear some shuffling from the end of the line and with a short, sharp click, he was gone.   Again.   -   For a minute, I lie wide awake on my bed.  I try to convince myself that I’m not doing anything wrong, that this is right and this isn’t for me but most undoubtedly for Kim Jonghyun.  I open my closet and took out the brown box of memories. I open it and saw my unsent letter to him. It was written with ballpoint pen and in neat handwriting. I remember how I wrote it with care, but now, the thin papers have dust and my letters were fading. It was forgotten.   I took out the letter and the good and bad list from the box. I ran to the kitchen to get some matches.   ---    When I got off the bus, I can see the Tavern in the near distance, one block away. I look down at my watch. It’s after four thirty. Jonghyun’s probably inside it, if he’s there. I hurry down the street, feeling a lump had form in my throat, but I swallowed hard and breathe deeply, hoping it would evaporate.   I hold the handle of the door, closed my eyes and utter a silent prayer. The bells at the Tavern’s door jangle as I push it open. I look around. There are several people sitting by pair, by group and by themselves—and I’m looking for Jonghyun.   “Gyu?”   I turn around and saw him standing; his left hand was up in the air, ready to wave hello at me.   “Hi.” I say, walking and smiling, closing the gap between us. The truth is, just like my letter, I seem to have forgotten his looks. He smiles at me and then laughs. And we both kind of stand there, the longer I stare, the more I can tell that it’s him. Jonghyun can’t stop smiling, like there’s a boomerang wedge on his mouth.   “Thanks for coming all this way.” But the moment I spoke those words, his smile fades a little    “You thought I wouldn’t?”   “It’s possible.”   “No it’s not.” He slips me into his arms and wraps me like a package and then he whisper to my ear, “I missed you so much.”   “But I’m happy now.” I tell him—or more to myself.   When we finally break, he motions for us to seat in one of chairs and we caught ourselves both looking at each other.   “Are you hungry?” He asks. I press my lips together and shake my head no. “Coffee? You said we’ll have coffee right?” He laughs lightly. I’m not really into having coffee with him; I just said it to find a good excuse to meet him. So I said yes and he went to the counter and ordered.   Under the table I look at my fingers and start playing with them while waiting for him. After few minutes, Jonghyun returned with two cups of coffee and hand the other one to me. “Here you go.” He says and I said “thank you” and he slides back to his chair. He gave me a half smile. We both gulp a little before he asks, “How are you?”   “Good. I’m fine. I feel better.” I say honestly. A curve line has formed in my lips. I look away. Jonghyun place his hand above mine and he was brushing his thumb on my fingers. I glance upward and he has this crestfallen face.   “Gyu, wha