I don’t know why. I don’t know when. I certainly don’t know how.

I have always imagined how I should meet with my one true love. In the library, our hands touched, we were looking for the same book, and I would be the gentleman who will give it away. I saw it in the television. And I thought that it was romantic.

But this was a different story.

“Suho-sshi… You wouldn’t mind giving this to Jessica-sshi, would you?” I looked up from the pages of my book, and found my seatmate, speaking to me in a hushed voice. I looked down and found a paper-wrapped gift in his hands.

“She’s the one?” I asked. He has been a good friend for some years, beside my best friend, and we’ve always hung out together, and he kept on telling me about this girl that he likes. However, he is transferring to another school by the next school year, so I told him that he should tell her his feelings.

“Yes…” He shyly looked down. And I was hurt at that time because at that time, I was in love with the girl best friend of my best friend. Well, I thought I was in love with her, because, nobody could actually not like Jessica. Even my best friend likes Jessica more than me.

“Then you should give it to her personally.” It was half-meant.

“No, I can’t. I wrote a note inside so I don’t have to tell her of my feelings personally.” He said. I badly wanted to smack him down at that time, after learning that we both like the same person and I am already giving him a chance but he wouldn’t take it.

“Kyuhyun, there are so many boys out there who gave their letters to her already. Don’t you think she gets tired of reading? Just confess to her personally.” I said. It was true that Jessica no matter how much she loved reading books also gets tired of reading. Sunny told me so.

“I can’t. You know that.” He said.

“Look, you won that Math Quiz Bee fair and square. It isn’t your fault that she forgot to put the units.” I could still remember that day very well. The finalists contestants were Jessica and obviously, Kyuhyun, and Jessica lost, and she hated him forever. At that time I swore that I am never going to get on Jessica’s bad side, although she wouldn’t because I am also Sunny’s best friend.

“She hates me for life!” Kyuhyun exclaimed. I hushed him down, only to realize that everyone in the classroom heard it, even Jessica.

“Who hates you?” Frozen we really are when we heard the very person of whom we were speaking of. Jessica Jung walked across my desk, and in front of my friend. “Who hates you, Cho?” She asked; her eyebrows rose at the same time as her arms folded across her chest.

“Nobody.” Kyuhyun said.

“Good. Because only I have the right to hate you.” With a smile, Jessica left us in daze, and walked back to her other cool friends. Seriously, if we weren’t such amazing childhood friends, I wouldn’t have thought of Jessica being nice. But still, it is all unfathomable because I don’t understand how come we’re friends with the same person yet we are so different from each other.

“I told you she hates me.” Kyuhyun whispered and shoved the gift towards me.

It took me a while to muster all my courage because Jessica and I are definitely not close. Ever since we entered high school, it’s as if Jessica and I had gone our separate ways, which is as clear as crystal, only if Sunny isn’t the bridge that connects us. We always argue about who really is Sunny’s best friend because we are both smart and we both know that best means only one. She got her cool friends and I am stuck with Kyuhyun who is just about to leave the school by second year. And that leaves me with Sunny, my supposedly best friend, who is currently missing in action.

“Jessica, where is Sunny?” I asked at the cafeteria, while picking up our food.

She looked at me for one second and looked at the food again before she said, “I thought you would know. You live just across the fence.” She was smiling. She is mocking me because I don’t know something she knows that I should have known in the first place.

“And what are you implying with that tone?” I asked.

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, I thought you are her best friend.” She shrugged, and turned away to find a table.

I picked up my tray and followed her on the table. I sat in front of her just before her so-called cool friends join her. Jessica gave them some hand signal and they scurried away like some mice. “I thought we are over this subject?”

“Suho-ah.” She looked at me, straight in the eye. “This can never be settled until you admit to yourself that Sunny doesn’t want to be friends with you anymore.”

“That’s not true. I met her first.”

“She liked me the most.”

“You know—I can’t—I. Just—” Have I mentioned that you lose a fight when you fall short on words? Jessica is too good with words, and I just can’t compete with her. She had this cunning smile on her face which I really wanted to rip off her face. “Where is Sunny?” I asked.

Her eyes turned away briefly from mine before saying, “Behind you,” as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. And I turned around, and found someone else.

“Missed me?” She asked the both of us. Then she smiled. “Suho, stop staring, you’re giving me chills.” I was joking, I found Sunny, just not in her usual state.

“What happened to you?” I asked.

“I got rid of my glasses! Isn’t it obvious?” She sat on the seat between us and smiled. “So, how do I look?” She asked me first, but I didn’t answer, and she turned to Jessica.

“You look pretty.” Jessica said.

“She’s right, you look pretty.” I agreed.

“I know.” She said.

She smiled her usual jolly smile but I realized that I’ve been missing or more than half of my life how her small eyes turned into even smaller crescents as she smiled. It must be her cockiness, now that I think about it, her asset. Well, Jessica is also cocky, but the y in Sunny’s name completes cocky.

Sunny’s existence is magical for both Jessica and I. Suddenly it’s like we were some nine year olds again taking spoonfuls of honey. Jessica wasn’t such a snob back then. She was actually a kind person. Which reminds me of Kyuhyun’s parcel.

I picked the package from my bag and slid it across the table. “Someone wants to give this to you,” I said, and she smiled, looking excitedly at the sight of it. I know it’s a book, I could tell, and of course being the book lover she is, the Jung would know that it is indeed a book, and a hardbound.

“Someone’s got a smart admirer.” Sunny cooed, and turned to me. “Who is it from?”

“I… I don’t know. He said that he had a note inside, so you’ll know it.” I told Jessica.

“It’s impossible that you don’t know, Suho. You are the class president, you would know everyone.” She scowled at me. She’s right about that. And I just smiled. “We should open it!” Sunny exclaimed, turning to Jessica.

Jessica caressed the book as if it was her baby. She used two fingers to feel the edges. “The person who gave this knows how to please a girl.” She said excitedly, and Sunny just nodded in the same level of excitement. Well, we are all book lovers but of different types. You may guess Jessica’s style by now, and my style is all about academic stuff, while Sunny, I guess she’s in between.

“Not all girls like books, Sica.” Sunny said, and I just had to agree.

“He must be in love with me.” Jessica said, and stared dreamily at it even though she still doesn’t know what the title is and who the author is.

“He’s not at all different from your other admirers.” She didn’t listen to me, but she started to rip off the wrapper. Her eyebrows furrowed; her lower lip caught in between her small teeth. She is so gritty on opening the package. Her expression only changed when the book is bare from its wrapper.

“Oh, my God, he is in love with me.” Jessica said, showed it to Sunny, and Sunny passed it to me. I had a good view of the first two letters of the author and a glimpse of the cover before Jessica took it from me again.

“It’s not even new.” I said.

“How could you tell?” Sunny asked.

“It is already opened.” I said.

“It sure is…” Jessica opened the cover, only to be awed at the cursive writing scribbled along the first page. She turned to look at me again. “Who is my secret admirer, Suho?”

“Why do you need to know right now?”

“This is a Prisoner of the Azkaban, Suho. How does he know that I have just finished reading Chamber of Secrets? Plus, this is signed. Who would give away their signed book? I’m giving it back.”

“Sica, we’re not really close, but I don’t think that you should give it back.” I said.

“Who says we’re not close? You are Sunny’s best friend, we ought to be close.” She said. I can’t believe she’s saying it right now that Sunny is in front of us. “And why shouldn’t I give this back?”

“But that person went through wars with me just to get that book to you.”

“I can’t accept this, Suho. This is precious. You wouldn’t know because you are not a fan! Who gave this to you?”

“He said there’s a note.” I said. Sunny looked through the wrapper, and there was a note, almost getting ripped, but it was safe. She handed it to Jessica.

“Okay, I’ll read it aloud. ‘Jessica-sshi. I had always wanted to be friends with you. However, it cannot be because we are meant to be enemies forever. I am transferring to another school so we won’t be enemies anymore. This is my favourite Harry Potter book so far, I hope you would like it, too. Yours, CKH.’” Jessica’s curiosity only grew after reading the note. She looked me in the eye, “Cho Kyuhyun is leaving?”

“That was fast, Sica. Yes, he’s leaving.” It was Sunny who said it.

“Cho Kyuhyun likes me?” This time she asked me.

“Yes.” I answered.

Jessica stood up and she brought the book, the torn gift wrapper, and the note with her, and she left the cafeteria. The thought that Jessica likes Kyuhyun irks me so bad that day. I must admit, Jessica is my crush the whole year freshman year, and I actually enjoy having the most ridiculous arguments with her. But during that day, it got into me that I am just using her as an excuse so I could actually talk about some girl stuff with my best friend. Chances are, what Jessica likes, Sunny also likes. But it turns out that I know so much about the both of them, and I don’t need to know anything else.

After class, Sunny and I went home together without Jessica for the first time. She told me she went to an eye doctor and suddenly she’s not wearing glasses anymore. I must admit that she is pretty. And those glasses took away most of the good points in her face. Her think eyebrows are all natural, and her eyes, I haven’t seen them in years because of those glasses! I didn’t know that her tall nose and her full lips actually look good before.

“How do you feel now that Jessica likes Kyuhyun?” She asked, smiling.

“Come on, I don’t like her.” I said.

“Woah. Isn’t it just last night when you were complaining why is she making a big fuss of who is truly my best friend?” She said.

“She is making a big fuss out of it, and I just don’t get why we can’t be friends, too.” I explained.

“Jessica likes teasing you, especially after beating you in the honour roll.”

“So, who is your best friend?”

“I am not having this conversation with you.” She said, and she started walking faster.

“Come on, Jessica is not around, you can tell me!” I caught up with her. I hated it when she does that.

“If you can catch me, then I’ll tell you.” She winked just before she took off.

She ran. I hated running. But I ran after her.

She is not highly intellectual like me or Jessica. She is not the genteel and prim girl that I had always dreamt of spending my life with. She is the exact opposite of my ideal woman. I don’t know what to call it. The radiant and warm way that she glows with makes me feel high and light. She made me do things I hate doing. She made me do all these crazy stuff. She made me realize that I can run, and I can actually push through my limits. We became friends for a reason. And that is, she makes a better person out of me.

I just don’t know how, I don’t know when. And I certainly don’t know why.

But I like her.

It was the last day of freshman year that day when you would think that Jessica actually got her own happy ending with Cho Kyuhyun, but no.

Later that day, Jessica dropped her aggressive style, as Sunny would like to call it, on approaching Kyuhyun. It turns out that Jessica liked Kyuhyun all along ever since he beat her in math, but just like everyone else, even though she have her cool friends with her, and that consistent GPA of A, Jessica is still a regular freshman, new to puberty, doesn’t know how to express her feelings, and get back on her aggressive style, which she came to be really good at.

She sort of argued with Kyuhyun about liking her but not telling her, and end up ending the freshman year walking away from him, with the Harry Potter book in hand, tears starting to come out of her eyes because she doesn’t know how to do it properly. Kyuhyun left the country that very same day, and was never expected to come back. The Harry Potter book on the shelf is still a mystery to Jessica’s parents, because she cried after reading the story of the Prisoner of the Azkaban, but Krystal didn’t.

It was a better year for me than for Jessica. She found out that she is in a mutual misunderstanding all this time, but she found out late and she lost him. That year is a year of unstable hormones. It makes you fall in love in the cruellest of times, and out of love not in the most beautiful of times, neither.