I woke up with the sound of droplets meeting the metal. I shuddered at the coldness I suddenly felt. I opened my eyes and tried to move. I didn't realize my head was aching until I tried to stand up.

"Sehun-ah..." I whispered. But no one came. I stared at the ceiling for a long time, thinking where Sehun could probably be. But then I remembered that he is not a student anymore. "." I stood up. I no longer shared room about a year ago. I worked my way to my bed to catch some sleep, but something tripped me along the way.

I fell with a thud, hurting my elbow and my sides in the process. I groaned in pain. Tears wanted to break out, but it didn't. And I stayed there. What happened last night? I tried to recall the events, but all I could remember was drinking with my buddies in a bar. My eyes travelled across the room, clothes were strewn everywhere with thick books. When I propped myself up with my non-hurting elbow, that is when I saw it.

It was broken. And suddenly, the tears fell down. All the memories came rushing in. All the pain. All the aches. I knelt and reached for it, but stopped halfway as I remembered a memory about pricking myself in the process. Baekhyun was with me last night. Sulli, too. They brought me here when I got drunk.

I stood up and took a set of fresh clothes before I made my way to the common shower. As the water trickled down my body, I remembered how I pricked my finger.

"Is this Sunny? She is pretty." Baekhyun observed, taking the picture frame from my desk. He handed it to Sulli who was also around. The picture was taken years ago. Back when everything was fine. I was sitting on my bed as Sulli told expressed her agreement.

"I lied... I don't have a girlfriend. That... That girl? Sunny? She is just my best friend." I said bitterly, taking the picture frame from Sulli's hands. It was taken in high school. We were so young. But she hadn’t changed at all.

"I'm sorry, oppa." Sulli said apologetically.

"Don't be. Everything in my life is a lie." I told them. “Your sorry is just a slap on my face.” I said. I stared at the both of them. “You two are great kids. If you love each other just get married already.”

"You're too drunk, hyung." Baekhyun said. He was about to get the frame from my hands but I gripped on it hard. He tried to take it from me again and we fought over it. We were pushing and pulling.

"She is mine! You have Sulli! Don't take her away from me!" I remembered yelling at him. It was just a framed photo.

"Hyung, I am not trying to steal her away from you. You are drunk!" He stepped back and raised his arms.

"I'm sorry. We are fighting over this photo… I am really that drunk now, huh?" I remembered saying. I didn't know when the tears came but it was coming down, fast. "She is the reason why I'm hurting like this!" Then I dropped it. The glass smashed into pieces. "!"

Sulli tried to help me, but I pushed her hands away. I heard Baekhyun telling Sulli to wait outside. Then that is when I pricked my finger. I ran to the sink to disinfect it. Baekhyun moved around as well, and appeared by my side with the first aid. He took my finger.

"I can do it, Baekhyun! Do you think that I'll fail this one?!" I yelled.

"No, hyung. I was just trying to help you." He said.

"I can do this without your help, Baekhyun-ah! This isn't as hard as Pharmacology. Or Parasitology. you, for thinking I can't do this!"

"Hyung, I'm sorry, okay?"

"Can you please go away?"

"We have practical exams tomorrow, hyung. Don't forget." He said.

"Go away!" I recalled seeing the tears in his eyes before he left my room.

I turned the shower off as I recalled about the practicum. I quickly put on my clothes and hurried back to my room. I checked the clock. It was 2:00 am. How could I be so stupid? There were no people in the showers. Who goes to shower at two in the morning? I tried to sleep, but I can't. I couldn't take sleeping pills. I might not wake up on time. Four more hours. How could it be so bad?

I sat on my desk and pulled out Anatomy. I can't fail the practicum. It can't afford to fail anything. People knew me for being the smartest Kim. I made my parents proud. But gone were those days when I am at the top of the Dean's List. I could barely even make it into the List. Before, I was not used in getting lower than 85%. But right now, if I scored at least 75%, it would be my happiness. My GPA is currently 2.0.  Medicine was so different from Education. And suddenly, it felt as if I don’t belong there.

But it doesn't matter. As long as I don't fail anything. I will make through. Everyone will be proud of me. Everyone will be wronged. Even she would come back. It has been two years... I wonder how she is doing right now. She is probably in their ranch, tending to their horses. She must be so beautiful...

If she wasn't so stubborn, we would have been happy. I would have left Medicine, if she stayed with me. I only wanted her to feel proud. I only wanted her to feel happy. I only wanted her to stay with me forever. But this is all I ever had right now. Who am I to come back without this degree?

I had new friends, Baekhyun and Sulli, but all my days and nights were spent studying. I barely go to the library to maximize my time. How the hell did I end up in the bar a few hours ago? I barely passed Anatomy and Physiology. Baekhyun and Sulli are good friends. Just like Sehun and Krystal. However, I couldn’t rely on them most of the time. I learned how to be independent—I am, and I should be.

“Hi!” A girl waved her hand to me. “My name is Choi Sulli. I transferred from Architecture.” She told me. At first I thought her name was Sunny but then I looked at her nameplate. Then, she turned around to call her friend, and someone walked over. “This is Baekhyun-sshi. He transferred from Engineering.”

“Hi! My name is Joonmyeon. I am an Education graduate.” I shook hands with the both of them.

“If you’re already a graduate, why do you need to study again?” Baekhyun asked me. The girl seems curious as well.

“It was my father’s last wishes.” I told them. Somehow they nodded at the same time. There were a few seconds of silence before the girl spoke again.

“Have you heard that our professor in Anatomy is a terror teacher?” Sulli asked.

“I’ve heard he is gay.” Baekhyun said. They stared at each other for a moment before they giggled together. For the first time I got there, I laughed.

“Are you close friends?” I suddenly asked about them.

“No… We’ve met only a couple of hours ago, during Physiology class.” Sulli said. “Why’d you ask?”

“You two seem close.” I said. They shared a gaze and then they laughed again together.

Baekhyun and Sulli would have been good friends. But they are so into each other. How could they even survive first year? They seem to be so happy with their lives. Isn't Medicine hard for them as well? Oh, that is right. I completely forgot. They are destined to be doctors. I am not. I don't even belong in this college. It may sound cool and grand when you hear it. But it was a living hell.

I started to feel helpless, hopeless, pathetic. Everyone was right—I can’t do it. Medicine is not just my passion. Sunny was right. I should have listened to her. We could have been married by now, just like what she said, somewhere peaceful, far from the city. I was supposed to do this for my father. But where am I now? My life is a trash.

“What is the longest bone in the human body?” The teacher once asked me.

I was stunned. I can’t say it. I knew I know it. But I can’t say it. I searched the back of my memory, what it was. How did I even forget about it? Everyone was staring at me. It was supposed to be the easiest question. But I couldn’t even answer it. From my peripheral vision, I saw Baekhyun. His hand suddenly moved from his desk to his thigh.

“Femur, sir.” I spoke.

I should have listened to them. I should have listened to everyone. If only I had, I wouldn't be forcing myself in this forsaken place. I wouldn't be thinking so highly for myself. I am a Medicine student. I am smart. I am cool. I am great. What bragging rights would you have if you are not doing well?

It has been half an hour since I've been staring at the same page. My eyes moved from the top of the paragraph and down, and all over again. I can’t even absorb anything. My hands reached down to the drawer and pulled out the sleeping pills. I took two tablets as I thought that these should be illegal. And I dozed off.

I didn’t hear the consistent blaring of my alarm clock. I didn’t hear the consistent ringing of my phone. I didn’t feel the sunlight touching my face. I didn’t feel it go away as well. I didn’t hear someone knocking on my door. I didn’t even notice they took it down. I didn’t feel being slapped, being shaken, being shouted at, nor did I feel them carrying me.

When I woke up, the clean antiseptic whiff of the hospital greeted me. I looked around, and found the familiar figure of my mom, her head tucked under her arms propped on my side. She woke as I moved.

“Joonie-ah.” My mom quickly stood up and placed a kiss on my forehead. “Thank God you woke up.”

“Mom…” I spoke, but I don’t know what to tell next. She hushed me, and helped me sit up.

“I’ll call the doctor, okay?” She said before completely leaving me in my room.

I scanned my surroundings. My hospital room was remarkably spacious, and somehow, it was so familiar. I tried to recall what happened to me. But I could barely remember anything. Soon, my mom came back with a familiar-looking doctor, and someone else. I meekly bowed as the doctor addressed me. Then I turned to see the other person, and I was surprised to see Baekhyun. I turned to look at the doctor and back to Baekhyun again, trying to get a hold of the situation.

“How are you feeling? Do you want to eat?” The doctor asked. My eyes travelled down to his nameplate. Byun Baekbeom. He must be Baekhyun’s brother. He is too young to be his father.

“I don’t feel like eating.” I said.

“Do you feel tired?” The doctor asked again.

“Y-yes.”

“I see… You have to remember to eat at least three times a day. Drink your vitamins. Avoid doing anything stressful. Don’t study. Don’t think about anything. You are now under observation for seven days. Then we will see if you can go by then.” The doctor said.

“I c-can’t stay here. I have school. It is exams week.” I said. I turned to Baekhyun, his head hung low. Then I turned back to the doctor. “Baekhyun is my classmate. We are in Med school.”

“Please, Joonmyeon-sshi. Stop worrying about things. As a Medicine student, you should have known to watch your health.” He said.

“I-I… What is my diagnosis?” I asked.

“You are suffering from clinical depression.” He said. Then he turned to my mother. “Please don’t leave his side twenty-four hours. Someone has to be with him at all times, at all costs.”

“We understand, doctor.” My mother said. And then, the doctor left. My mother turned to us, “I will leave the both of you for now.” I barely nodded, and she left the room as well.

“I’m sorry, Hyung…” Baekhyun said.

“You’ve done nothing wrong.” I told him.

“Mr Park gave you a failing grade in Anatomy since you weren’t present during the practicum.” He said. I swallowed. “He also told me to relay his message.”

“What is it?” I asked.

“Hyung, I should tell you next time. You can’t feel worse right now.” He said.

“You are implying that it is bad. There is no reason not to feel bad.” I said. “Go on, I am ready.”

“Mr Park advised you to drop the course.” He started. I just stared at him. I was thinking about if for quite some time. I urged him to go on. “He said that you were bound to fail Anatomy, and Medicine, at some point. He suggests you get out of Med school while you still can. When you get in third year, the school won’t let you go anymore. It will so much harder than this.” He said.

“I was aware.” I said.

“Hyung, are you hurting?” He asked.

“You just told me to quit Med school.” I told him. “Of course I’d be hurting.”

“Are there no chances for you to quit Medicine?” He asked.

I shook my head. “Aren’t you going to school? You have to lend me your notes, after all.” I tried to joke, but his frown remained painted on his face.

“I will be back later, hyung.” He said before he left.

This is all I have now. I didn’t even teach. I have no future. I need to push through with Medicine, even though it is hard, even though it is not my passion. I can’t afford to fail.  I can’t afford to let every single penny go to waste. My school fees need to be paid off. As much as I wanted to quit, as much as I needed to quit, I can’t.

For three days ever since I was imprisoned in the hospital, I only did nothing but to read the notes I borrowed from Baekhyun. Not much happened in those three days. My mother and I started taking a walk around the hospital regularly, trying to keep me busy. I lost appetite in almost everything.

Do they really think that I am about to kill myself? I will not end my life even though I am suffering so much. If anything, I am just waiting for myself to die, pushing all my limits, until I couldn’t take it anymore. When I was a child, I thought that the easiest way to die is to die happy. But that was nonsense. How could you be happy when you are dying? How could it be the easiest when it was hard enough to be happy?

I am not depressed. I just feel sad. But they keep on implying that I am depressed. Although they tried to hide it, I knew Baekhyun is faking all the information he gave me. How could Mr Park give me a second chance? How could the teachers ever allow me to take the exams one week after the exams week? Who are they kidding? For all I know, they are just waiting for me to say it myself. I quit, I give up. But I am not a quitter.

Those three days all they did is anything but to trust me. My mother is watching me, twenty four hours, sometimes Baekhyun would come, and Sulli, too. They are keeping the truth from me. All they said were lies. Did they think that lying will keep me from hurting? Hell, no. It just makes me more uncomfortable with them. They are a bunch of liars who wanted to hurt me slowly, painfully, until I couldn’t take it anymore.

I would rather be with Kibum, or Hyoyeon. They must be laughing right now… The favourite Kim is a mess. At least they are true to me. At least they won’t delay any pain from me. I would rather feel all the pain and despair all at once. So that it would end sooner. The more they delayed the pain, the more they delayed the news, the more I will hurt in the future.

“I am failing Medicine, Mom.” The words stung the air as three pairs of eyes stared back at me. Baekhyun’s mouth was wide agape, as if he was about to say something, but took the chance back. “You don’t have to keep it from me. I haven’t been to school in what, five days? It would be a miracle if I’d at least get a 3.0 in Pharmacology.”

“Honey, we didn’t want to overwhelm you.” It was my mother who spoke first. I understand that she must be worried sick about me. But there is nothing to worry about.

“So it would be better to tell me lies than to tell the truth?” I asked. “I am perfectly fine! If you believe what the doctors are saying, please stop being gullible! I am not depressed! I will not commit suicide!”

Just then, an eerie silence filled the air.

“Hyung… You tried to commit suicide. Many times now. Whenever you are drunk. Jump off a building, drink poison, go downtown and look for a fight. You were so drunk you forget all the time you tried to kill yourself.” Baekhyun said. “And when I found you that day, the sleeping pills in your hand, I wasn’t there by your side.”

 “It was true, oppa.” Sulli talked. “We knew everything about you failing Medicine. We knew everything about your fading reputation. We knew all your secrets, you spill everything. At first it only takes you a couple of shots. But soon it took you two bottles to drown yourself in sleep. We were there, oppa, every single time. You were… dying.”

Just then, someone knocked on the door. My mother opened it. From afar I could hear familiar voices. They were cheerful voices, and suddenly they took away the tension in the air. Krystal and Sehun went inside the quiet room. It was awfully too quiet. I was surprised that they would come. But it didn’t stop Krystal from being too loud. They were talking to my mother by the door.

“Joonie oppa!” Krystal exclaimed right after she got away from my mother’s embrace. “It’s so funny to see you here.” She giggled as she hugged me. From afar I saw Sehun frozen in his spot as he met eyes with my friends. When Krystal let go of the embrace, she noticed my other companions. “Oppa, who are they?” Krystal asked.

“They are my classmates in Medicine. Meet Baekhyun and Sulli.” Krystal waved at the two of them, while Sehun smiled a bit. “These are Krystal and Sehun… Krystal is a childhood friend, and that is Sehun, he used to be my roommate and now he is Krystal’s boyfriend.”

“Well, this is awkward, hyung.” Baekhyun laughed.

“Why?” I asked.

“Sehun and I were classmates back in Engineering.” Baekhyun said and then turned to Sehun. “Funny, you never mentioned you have a girlfriend already.” I saw Sehun smiled a little, until it was broken by Krystal’s voice.

“You never mentioned me to your friends?!” Krystal asked.

“I was afraid that they would steal you from me, baby.” Sehun wrapped and arm around Krystal before kissing her forehead. Krystal playfully nudged him.

“Yah, stop kidding.” Krystal then broke from his arms, then she walked over to my two other friends. She shook hands with both Baekhyun and Sulli as Sehun took the seat beside me. I noticed the way he stared at them when Krystal took the seat beside Sulli who was silent the whole time they came. Baekhyun left the girls and walked over to Sehun for a hug.

“You were suddenly missing, Baekhyun. You never told us where you went.” Sehun said. Baekhyun pulled over a chair and sat beside Sehun.

“I never told you guys but I was failing Engineering. So I transferred to Medicine just before we enter graduating year.” Baekhyun said, suddenly glancing over the girls who were with my mom by now. “Where did you meet Krystal-sshi?”

“I quickly snatched her from this guy when he was with Sunny noona.” With that, Sehun and I met each other’s gazes. Everyone stopped talking the moment her name escaped his lips. Thank God he turned to Baekhyun, “Where did you meet Sulli?”

For some reason, I suddenly glanced over the girls. My mother is suddenly nowhere to be found. Krystal was preparing something over the counter as Sulli listened to her. Sulli was facing our way when Sehun spoke her name. Suddenly I met eyes with her but she dropped it immediately.

“We met during our first day. She was also a transferee from another college at that time.” Baekhyun said. And then he smiled. I remembered the way he looked at her at that time. I thought they knew each other for so long, but it was Baekhyun’s feelings all along.

“She seems nice.” Sehun said.

“Yeah, she is. You should have seen how attentive Baekhyun can get whenever Sulli has a report or something.” I said, at which the two laughed.

“Well, we better get going, hyung. We still have a class to catch.” Baekhyun told me when the two girls walked over. He stood up and playfully slapped my arm.

“Go on, I have Krystal and Sehun here. Don’t forget to bring my notes later.” I told them. Krystal was the one who walked them to the door, and waited until they were out of sight. Then, she came back in front of us with angry footsteps.

“Oh Sehun. Spill it.” Krystal said.

Sehun stared at her.

“I saw the way you stare at her as if she is some goddess in Harvest Moon.” Krystal said. “Is she the reason why you always wanted to go through the Architecture building? The view is great? Well, it surely is! Don’t deny it, Sehun! Who is she in your life?”

“I used to date her.” Sehun plainly said.

“Was it long enough that you can’t take your eyes off her the moment we came in?!” She was starting to get red. I have never seen this side of Krystal before. She rarely gets angry. But her sister often does, and they are the same when they are angry. It was phenomenal.

“Babe, we just dated, okay? We never went steady.” Sehun said.

“How could you casually call her ‘Sulli’ without the use of honorifics? Tell me the freaking truth, Oh Sehun! Who is she?!” Krystal asked.

“You wouldn’t want to know.”

“I am demanding of an answer, Oh Sehun!”

“Fine, she is my first love.”

“Okay.”

Just then Krystal turned around and was about to go out of the room. Sehun quickly sprang from his seat to hug her from the back before she could walk further. They were a few feet from me but I could hear their conversation as if I wasn’t there. “We used to go to the same high school, but I never approached her. In college, we dated one time, but it never happened again. I swear to God, Krystal, nothing happened between us.”

“She is so beautiful. And smart. Oh my God, she was from Architecture then she transferred to Medicine! Who does that? She’s so perfect. Who wouldn’t want to date her?” I knew Krystal was tearing up already.

“I don’t care if she is perfect in your eyes. But in my eyes you are perfection itself.” Sehun said. God, I can’t believe this is how Sehun manages her. This is my first time to see their actual fight. I never knew Sehun could be this cheesy.

“How could you lie to me after seeing her? Surely you must have felt jealous when you learned that your friend is now with her.” Krystal faced him and broke the embrace. However, she just stood there, crying, demanding of an answer.

“I was happy for her because she finally found someone who can make her happy. But I am not jealous. If there’s anyone who should be jealous right now, it is everyone else because I have you.” Sehun pulled her into a hug. Krystal lifted her arms to hug him as well, and I knew that it was over.

“Guys could you please stop it? God, how could you forget that I am here?” I said causing them to break their embrace and they laughed together. That is when they reminded me of Baekhyun and Sulli’s relationship. They are perfect for each other. And suddenly, I remembered a distant memory… I only wanted her to approve of me. I only wanted her to support me. We could have the most wonderful relationship there ever is.

For the first time in that year, I actually felt happy. Sehun and Krystal brought such good memories that day. They reminded me the happiness I once had with them. They graduated last year and finally became adults who pay for their own living while I stayed dependent on everyone. I envy them. They are such good kids, a good couple, and good friends.

I thought that day couldn’t get even better when someone knocked on the door that night. My Mom said that she won’t be coming back until tomorrow morning. But Krystal opened the door nonetheless, and the familiar figure of my best friend came in. And someone called me Suho for the first time in a year. “Suho yah!” Jessica called as soon as she came in. She ran to me and did the exact opposite of what Krystal did when she ran to me. Jessica Jung hit me.

I was too stunned to talk.

“You don’t know what I did just to get here, fool! I flew all the way across the globe! They told me you were freaking dying! What do you think you are doing?!” She yelled at me.

“They tend to exaggerate things, Sica.” I smiled. “Aren’t you going to hug me?”

Then she hugged me briefly before she hit me again.

That night was long. I guess the reason why it was so memorable is because of the sudden turn of events that day. For the past three days, all my Mom did to me was to convince me of quitting Medicine, but she was not successful. That day, Sehun and Krystal never brought burden to me, no matter how many memories—both happy and sad—they brought back. And when Jessica came, I thought I couldn’t be as happy as ever.

They filled most of the blank spaces in my heart. But there will always be one part that they couldn’t fill…

That night, Jessica stayed to keep me from doing anything that will kill me. She was sitting by the foot of my bed as we ate the fruits she brought. We talked about a lot of things regarding her life back in the States. She told me the difference between the education there and here. And before I could even realize it, she is talking me into quitting Medicine as well. She could have been successful, but I knew it. My mother sent my friends to convince me to quit Medicine.

“Sica, I am not going to quit Medicine.” I said.

“I know, I am just telling you the education system in the States.” She told me. “You wanted to be a teacher, after all. Well, at least you wanted to teach before.”

“Did you really fly all the way here just to see me?” I asked.

“No…” She silently said.

“That’s it. I am tired of everyone trying to convince me to quit Medicine, Sica. I don’t need you right now. Please, go away. And don’t ing reason that I’ll kill myself because I am not!” I said.

“Do you think that I’m talking you into quitting what you wanted?” She asked.

“Yes.” I said as I brush the tears that I didn’t know coming.

“I am not, Suho.” She told me. “I am here to tell you about my life. I am not stupid enough to push you to your limits. I am here to bring you good news and good news only.” She smiled.

“What is the reason why you came here?” I asked.

“I think I am finally getting my happy ending.” She said.

Then my tears stopped. “Really? You met him in the States?” I asked. She nodded. “Sica, I am really happy for you!” I reached for her and she automatically stood to hug me.

“I didn’t come back just to visit you. If I did, I would’ve been here since Day One.” She said. “I came back permanently.”

“So who is the lucky guy?” I asked.

“Jaejoong.” She said as she made herself comfortable again.

“What?! How?!” I asked.

“He followed me to the States.” She is smiling. “On my third day there in the States, I was surprised. I was staying in my aunt’s house, and he is suddenly there, ringing the bell one morning. He courted me. We were back to square one. And this time, we decided to take things slowly. It’s been two years since we get back together.” Jessica said.

“That’s great, Sica. Wait, what about your parents?” I asked.

“The reason why I only came right now is because we were convincing my parents to get us married. And this morning, I realized that it doesn’t matter whether they say yes or no. It’s not like I still depend on them. I can pay for my living, Suho. And Jaejoong and I, we could start a family.” She said. “And they eventually gave their blessing.”

“I am proud of you, Sica.” I said bitterly, and suddenly, the tears came back.

“Hey, why are you crying?” She moved closer to me.

“I don’t know… Tears are coming back every now and then… I guess I envy you, Sica. You have a great lover who ran after you, a great family who supported you, a great job that you can already start a family. I feel so pathetic. I guess I am so proud to be your friend.” I said.

Jessica took my hand and squeezed it. “Hey, I am proud of you as well. You are fighting, right? And God, two more years and you will become a doctor! Think of all the expenses I could save when you become our own family doctor.”

“I am failing, Sica. Like, a lot.” I said. She stared at me. She knows it as well. I hate that they knew everything about me. “Sica, I am so tired right now. I feel so weak. I don’t even know if I can fight any longer.”

“Suho. You are not failing, okay? You are just trying to jump over this big wall. Everyone fails at least once in their life, Suho. And you are far from weak. You are the strongest. I couldn’t even imagine going through the same path as yours. I don’t think I can handle it. You are strong, and brave, you are suho.”

“If you are planning to convince me into quitting it, you can do it now.” I said. “I am so weak that I might as well say that I wanted to quit.”

“I am not going to convince you, Suho. I want you to know if it is what you really wanted. Do you want to quit?”

“No.”

“Then don’t quit.” She said. That night, Jessica suddenly gave me the courage to fight back. I am forever grateful to her. When I sleep that night, I promised myself that I am not going to quit, ever. I will not stop fighting. And I slept well. The nightmares didn’t come.

However, when I woke up the next day, I was surprised that Jessica was nowhere to be found. I remembered her sleeping on the couch nearest to me, but she wasn’t there. It was just six in the morning. Her things were not there as well. They were not supposed to leave me, right?

As I brush my teeth and wash my face, I heard someone moving inside my room. I guess it was my mom. I walked out of the bathroom and called out, “Mom, did you see Sica on your way?”

But the person I have come face to face with was not my mother.

It was her.