My mother gained consciousness after four days; however, my father remained lying in the casket, unmoving, dead, and to be buried in twenty four hours. If there is one thing I hated, that is the feeling of belittled. My friends looked down on me in pity. With my father dead, who would be there to guide me? With him in the casket, who would tell me which is right and wrong? My father and I had not been in the best of terms since I decided to take Education and completely ignore Medicine.

But it was not all despair and pain. I have Sunny. She is all that I ever have. I never got the chance to propose to her, but she made everything feel all right. She is always by my side, comforting me, talking to me. She is my light. She is my hope. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. I wanted to spend my entire life with her. I wanted to give her everything, pamper her with my undying love, and be the best for her.

We were in the confines of a warm coffee shop on a cold afternoon when I decided to break the news. I managed to take the table by the windows where I could enjoy the peaceful view of the park just across the road. I waved my hand to Jessica and Sunny when they just finished taking their orders at the cashier. I scooted over as Sunny took the seat beside me while Jessica took the seat in front of us. “So, what is the big news?” Jessica asked.

“I am going to take Medicine.” I said eagerly.

“What?!” Sunny exclaimed. I turned to look at her.

“I’m going to Medicine school. It is what my father wanted.” I told them at the same time a waiter came to serve their orders.

“If there is anything you need to do, that is to look for a job to get money not to look somewhere you can spend it!” Sunny said, completely ignoring the strawberry frappe in front of her.

“Sunny, you don’t understand. My father and I never talked to each other for a long time as I pursued what I wanted. He wanted me to go to Medicine. That was the last thing he wanted from me. And I will do it.” I told her.

“But you wanted to teach. That’s your dream.” She said.

“My father’s dream is for me to become a doctor. He is right, I deserved better than to be a teacher. Four years won’t be that bad. The next thing we know, I would be the best doctor there is.” I told them, suddenly looking at Jessica who is silently sipping at her black coffee. Sunny turned to her, probably eyeing her at the same time.

Jessica put her cup down and turned to me as she spoke for the first time since they sat with me. “Look, Medicine is expensive. Yes, you can become a great one, and probably a rich one someday, but you can’t afford it right now. Your father just died, your mother cannot work yet, your brother has a family of his own, and you know Hyoyeon won’t help you.”

“You are right. But I know what to do. I can loan from the bank. I can apply for a scholarship. Maybe I could teach for a while as I study. Then after four years, father’s death will not be in vain.” I said, looking down to my own cup of coffee.

“What are you talking about? Your father died because it was an accident. Accidents happen, Suho. And his death was not in vain. He saved your brother’s life.” Sunny said, emphasizing on the last sentence.

“Yes, he did, and he shouldn’t have!” I told her. At the same time, a few customers looked our way, including the ones standing by the counter.

“You’re causing a scene, Suho, please, hush down your tone.” Jessica said.

“Kibum oppa has a family of his own, and your father made the right decision to save him.” Sunny said. Then she finally took a sip from her frappe.

“Why are you caring so much?” I told her. I didn’t expect it to come from me. No one did. Sunny looked up at me in surprise. I continued, “I don’t want to talk about hyung. I am going to Medicine, and that is final.”

I knew I hurt her by my words. Her eyes travelled down to her drink. One of her fingers playing with the condensation forming on the skin of her cup. “I’m just thinking about the future.” She silently said.

“Me, too, Sunny. Once I become a doctor, life will be less difficult.” I reached for her hand and gave it a squeeze.

“It’s not like that, Suho… I just wanted to settle somewhere you. I don’t care about everything else, but I just want to be with you.” She faced him, revealing the forming waters on her eyes. Suho saw this, and cupped her face.

“I will marry you, Sunny, but not like this. I will get a better life for us.” I told her, staring deep into her eyes as I brushed her first tears away.

“Suho—”

“Once we get married, we’ll live here in the city, and live in our own house. Maybe we could merge the two lots together, and we’ll build a new house.” I said. “Then you’ll stay home, writing, looking after our children while I go to work.”

“Enough, Suho, please. Don’t.” Sunny said.

“What’s wrong, Sunny?” He asked.

“Please, just stop it right now.” She closed her eyes. I pulled away from her, while I met gazes with Jessica. Suddenly, my heart leapt, realizing that I must have done something wrong.

“Do you want water?” Jessica asked, Sunny nodded, and she stood up. But she didn’t need water. She barely even touched her pink drink. As soon as Jessica was nowhere to be found, I turned to her. Her tears have finally flowed free through her cheeks.

“Sunny, this is not me, thinking selfishly. I am thinking for our future.” I told her. “You know I am a man of my words, Sunny. And I want this for the both of us.” I said, taking her hand again.

“Suho… Don’t bring it up right now.” She said, taking her hand back.

“Why? Don’t you want to marry me?” I asked.

“I wanted to marry you, Suho, but I don’t want you to go to Medicine. I don’t want to be a housewife. I don’t want to live in the city. I don’t want to be rich. I just wanted a quiet, peaceful life. I told you what I wanted, why can’t you understand?” She asked.

“So, we’re fighting because I wanted to have a good life?” I asked her. She is fighting her tears back as she pursed her lips.

“Do you think we’re fighting?” She asked.

“If we’re not fighting, then what do you call this?” I asked.

“I can’t believe we are talking about this, Suho.” She said, suddenly standing up, but I managed to grab her hand.

“Hey, where are you going?” I asked.

She stopped momentarily before she completely broke free from my grasp. She walked her way out of the shop. I followed her as we walk across the road to the park. I fastened my pace, just enough to grab her hand and pulled her around.

“What is your problem?” I asked her.

“I want a break up.” She said.

“What?!” I asked, completely surprised by her words.

“Let’s break up, Suho. I am sick of you! I don’t want any more of you or your dreams for me, forget all about it! You only think about yourself. You are selfish. Go ahead and study Medicine! Graduate in four ing years, and be rich!” She was yelling at me.

“You know that I wanted to study Medicine for my father, Sunny.” I said.

“Don’t get your father into this! You wanted a good life, right? Go on, take it! I’m sure there will be a lot of girls who wanted to marry you. They will do everything for you. You’ll be rich. You’ll have a nice flat. You’ll have a pretty wife. You’ll do fine. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be happy without you!”

“Sunny, let’s talk this over. I’m sure we can compromise something out of this.” I said.

“Go talk to yourself. We’re over.” She said, suddenly turning her back to me and started to walk.

“We’re breaking up because I wanted to go to Medicine?” I asked, walking behind her angry steps. “If that is the reason, then, fine! I won’t go to Medicine school. Please, Sunny, don’t do this to me.” I stopped walking. She stopped as well. Slowly, I walk towards her and wrap my arms around her from the back. “All I ever wanted is you. Please, stay with me, Sunny. I love you, and I have never loved anyone else. You are the only one for me. I can’t live without you. Sunny, will you marry me?”

“Suho, I love you, too... But you are desperate right now. Your father died, and you are not thinking clearly. I love you so much, Suho. I want you to be happy, but please, not this way.” She said, slowly peeling my arms away from her. She faced me. “I will not marry you, Suho. I’m sorry.”

We stood there, staring at each other for a brief moment of silence before she continued to speak, breaking me slowly and painfully.

“We are best friends before we became lovers, Suho. You are supposed to know me. You are supposed to know that all I ever wanted in this world is to be with you. It’s as simple as that. We are best friends, I know that your emotions are not stable right now, but why can’t you understand me? Maybe we’re not for each other. Maybe, we’re supposed to stay as best friends.” She told me.

“That’s it? We’re breaking up?” I asked.

She closed her eyes as more tears break out from her eyes. Suddenly I found water blurring my vision as well. She was in deep thought, taking deep breaths before she spoke “There was never an ‘us’, Suho.”

She turned around almost instantly after she said those words. I was stunned for a while before I ran after her. Both of us are walking in angry footsteps, as I tried to talk to her. “Are you kidding me?” I asked. She didn’t face me. She just kept on walking, as I kept on keeping up with her.

“There was no commitment between us. I never called you my boyfriend. You never called me your girlfriend. It just so happen that we were both single in the past year, and we enjoyed each other’s kisses.” She said. Gone was her soft and sweet voice. Her words were so much louder and clear than before.

“We are not supposed to label ‘us’, remember? Have you forgotten?” I told her. “I love you, Sunny. Isn’t that enough?” I stopped walking, hoping my words could hit her. It did. She stopped walking as well. However, she never faced me.

“It was never enough. You need to define the limitations of the relationship. We never discussed anything.” She said. I wanted her to face me, show me what she really wanted. I wanted to see her eyes; I wanted to see the truth. But she kept on being stubborn.

“If this is what you really wanted, then, fine! Let’s forget everything that’s happened between us. You are not even my girlfriend. You are right. Girls will be flocking over me. Everyone wanted a hot Medicine student. They will give me anything I wanted. Even .” I said.

“ all the girls you wanted. I don’t really care.” She said, finally ending the fight. She ran, and that is when I didn’t run after her.

I stayed started walking around the park. I never noticed that it was almost empty. I sat on a bench, thinking that any minute now, Sunny will come back. She will realize that she did wrong, and she just lost me. But it has been hours. I started crying. Sunny will not come back. I did wrong, and I lost her. I never came back to that park, for it only reminded me the words she said to me. Everything came and gone so fast, as if they were only dreams. But the weight of her words pierced a hole through my heart.

I was staring into nothingness when Sehun found me. “Jessica noona was mad at you, hyung. Sunny noona left for the province.” He said.

“Do you think I am selfish?” I asked him.

“Let’s go back now, hyung.” He said.

“I just lost everyone, Sehun.” I told him. “What have I done wrong?”

“Hyung, everyone needs time. You need time as well. You haven’t lost her. She is still within your reach. You can go to the province anytime and fetch her. I’m sure her anger will cool off.” He said.

“She told me there was never an ‘us’.” I said. “I thought that we were never going to fight like this. How do you even stay with Krystal for so long?”

“We fought almost every single day, hyung. We already had a couple of breakups. But I win her back.” He said. “Let’s go back, please, hyung.”

That day Sehun and I went took the bus to the University. He is right. I should win her back. I will show her what she’s been missing. She will want me back. She will come back to me. I will make her regret what she did. That day I applied for Family Medicine.

After we went to the University, I went straight to the pub. Jessica found me there; Sehun probably told her where I was. She was angry at me. Her eyes were burning with anger. Soon it came to a point when she is crying as I drown myself in alcohol, ignoring everything she is saying. But it had to stop because the owner of the place didn’t want us to cause trouble. So we walked together back to the neighbourhood.

 “What the is wrong with you, Kim Joonmyeon?!” She asked.

“I’ve had enough, Jessica, please, keep your mouth shut.” I told her.

“You know what? I am so done with you! Do you think that you are the only one hurting, that your father died? Or you are the only one hurting that Sunny left? I am leaving for the States tomorrow, Goddamnit!”

I was surprised. “You are leaving?” I asked.

“Yes!” She said.

“What about Jaejoong?” I asked.

“We broke up.” The tears b in her eyes finally fell down. Before I could ask something, she told me, “I never told anyone because we are already grieving for your father’s death.”

“Sica…” I reached for her hand and pulled her into a hug which she broke immediately.

“Please, don’t feel bad about it. I was just so tired of having to put up with the both of you. What were you thinking? Why didn’t you run after her?” She asked. “If this is your stubbornness here, please, go away.”

“I know what I’m doing, Sica. Don’t worry about me.” I told her. “But why didn’t you tell us anything?”

“I don’t want to burden you guys.” She said.

“Just because we are grieving right now, it doesn’t mean you should keep your feelings to yourself.” I said.

“I know… I’m sorry.” She said, holding back a sob.

“Does Sunny know about this?” I asked.

“I told her the last minute, hoping that maybe she could stay. But she left anyway.” She said. “Please, Suho. Tomorrow, after you bury your father, promise me you’ll run after her. She loves you, she really does. If you wanted to go to Medicine, I understand, because you want it for your father, but please keep in your mind that Sunny should always have the final say.”

“Sica…” I pursed my lips, suddenly nodding at her words. “Why did you and Jaejoong broke up?”

“My parents didn’t like him.” She said.

“Don’t lie to me, Sica. I was there when you told them. They were happy for you. They like him. What happened? Did he hurt you?” I asked. For a long time there was silence. I thought that she didn’t want to talk about it, but she said something.

“If I told you right now that I love you, would you believe me?” She asked.

I stared at her. “Sica… I thought we talked about this?”

Then she laughed out loud. “I don’t love you, Suho, as much as my parents didn’t like him. On the outside it may seem that they do, but you can’t really tell what they are thinking.” She said. She stared back at me. “They just don’t like him.” She frowned, just before her tears fell.

I wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “Did you fight for him?” I asked.

“I did.” She smiled. “It was a big fight. And now they are sending me to the States.”

“Sica… What if we really are for each other? What if it’s you? You are always here. You always understand me. And I am always here for you as well. What if we are made for each other? Do you think we’ll be happier?” I asked.

“Do you know why I ranked higher than you back in high school?” She asked. I shook my head. “I already know what is right and what is wrong. We, being together, are probably the biggest joke there is. Wake up, Kim Joonmyeon!” She said, and playfully punched my shoulders.

Thinking about it, I regretted everything that happened that day. That day I lost her. That day I fought with everyone. That day I made all the wrong decisions. That single day became a turning point for most of us. Sometimes I thought, if only I ran after her, would she still be mine? If only I had not applied for Medicine, would she come back to me? If only had I swallowed my pride, would I be happy today?