One year ago, Sunny and I made a promise to wait until graduation which by then we would finally have the talk about the two-letter word us. But promises are meant to be broken, and it was justified when we started stealing glances from each other. We started to exchange knowing looks, and then we started holding hands when we walk out, and before we knew it, we already exchanged kisses without our friends knowing.

Jessica and Sunny never told me what happened between them, but everything is almost the same as before. Sunny didn’t go back sharing a room with Jessica because Krystal already is happy spending time with her sister. Krystal and Sehun are going strong, although they argue and fight a lot during the past year; they still end up loving each other more and more.

We see each other the whole summer last year, and hopefully I could see her forever. Our senior year was less hectic than the previous year. Our loads weren’t as heavy as we all write our term papers. And most of the time, she comes over my dorm and we write together. But we never talked about our relationship. One Monday night nearing the end of the spring semester, she knocked on my door, hoping that we could finally have the chance to talk about us.

“Hey!” I said, opening the door for her as she took her coat off revealing a Harry Potter t-shirt inside.

“You won’t believe what happened earlier this day.” She said. I closed the door and sat on my bed whilst picking up one of my heavy schoolbooks and settled it on my desk.

“What happened?” I asked. She threw her bag at the foot of my bed as she dropped herself on Sehun’s bed.

“It’s about my new writing partner…” She said. I heard about her new writing partner who was also in her class. Sunny told me she was great and kind but I can’t remember meeting her.

“Have I met her?” I asked.

“No.” She continued, “When she learned that I was in a band, we started talking about pop groups and she told me that she was a big fan of this one band and that she writes fan fictions.”

“You told me that fan fictions are—”

“She let me read one of her stories.” She said, completely cutting me off. But before I could say anything she continued, “And God, I don’t even know that she could write those! She looks so much like an angel, and I can’t believe that Krystal used to share a room with her for one whole year.”

“She’s a friend of Krystal?” I asked.

“Yes! I’ll read it to you.” She suddenly stood up and walked over to her bag.

“Okay.” I said, as she pulled out a piece of paper torn off a notebook. “Did you secretly take that from her?”

“No. I confiscated it.” She said.

She joined me in the bed, leaning against the wall beside me, our shoulders touched as we leaned into each other. I watched her sit comfortably, clearing , and then she started reading to me. No longer than a minute has passed when everything felt hot and I could feel myself getting hard when I realized that she is reading a scene to me.

“Wait, why are you reading this to me?” I asked, suddenly pulling out of the embrace that I didn’t knew we were in. She stopped reading, and looked at me. Her face was so red. “Is this a trap or something?”

“No! I just can’t believe this.” She continued, “She wrote scenes about an all-boy band! I mean, she’s just a kid and—”

“Don’t you see me as a man?” I asked, completely cutting her off this time.

“What?” She asked, but no answer came. She seemed stunned by my question.

“Do I look like a kid to you?” I asked again. “I am also a man. I have feelings and hormones that only you could turn on.”

She remained silent, staring at the paper, her fingers unknowingly shredding the sides. She refused to look at me. I reached to cup her face and pulled her slowly to capture her lips. Her cheeks felt warm against my touch. She replied my kisses in the same fervent manner. My hands slid down to her neck, gently pressing the revealing collarbone.

I broke the kiss, and caught the look in her eyes. My hands found their way at the hem of her shirt as I felt hers travelling to my chest. I asked, “Just like how you see her, do you think of me as a kid?” She smiled, wrapping her arms around my neck as she began another set of kisses.

She pulled me to her, deepening the kiss, closing all the gaps between us, until I landed on top of her. I broke the kiss against her will, “You’re only older by seven days.” I whispered at her ear, hopefully sending shiver to down her spine, before pressing my lips on her neck.

“Suho…” She said breathlessly as I placed another kiss on her neck, just before I on the sweet spot, earning a soft moan from her. “It’s not like that…” She said.

“But what is?” I straddled her, taking off my shirt at the same time, to reveal the hidden toned muscles underneath. My hands fumbled at the hem of her shirt, waiting for her answer.

“I am afraid to do it with you.” She confessed. I willed to stop my raging hormones, afraid that I might scare her or the things that I might do to her. I got off and helped her get up and we sat together.

“Don’t you want to do it?” I asked. She opened but no answer came. I spoke, “We’ve been doing this for a long time now but we never got to the next step. I know you want it as much as I do. What are you afraid of?”

“I wanted to do it with you, but I was afraid that you wouldn’t like my body. I mean, you liked me for a long time, and it just so happened that you’ve grown used to seeing me. But what if I don’t have my clothes on? Would you still like me?” She spoke those words as if she was the most innocent person I’ve ever met.

“Why would you think like that?” I smiled, thinking how strange her thoughts are. She gazed into my eyes, she was blushing. Nevertheless, I found her cute, and my hormones finally stopped raging.

“I don’t know… Insecurities, perhaps…” She said, shyly looking away from me. “I don’t want this to end simply because I can’t excite you anymore.” She said. I was about to give her a million instances how she excite me all the freaking time when I realized that she was talking about her past.

“Look, Kris and I are different. He just doesn’t love you. But I love you, okay? And you excite me every single day.” I said, reaching for her hand. She looked at me, and smiled.

“I love you.” She said.

“I love you, too. And we will not do it until we get married. We will have a warm and proper honeymoon, not in a dorm room that I will be leaving in a matter of days.” I said.

“You will marry me?” She asked, as if it was the most unbelievable thing that she ever heard.

“Yes. But, will you make me the happiest of men?” I asked.

“Are you proposing to me right now?” She laughed, her eyes shifting into little crescents for the first time she knocked on my door that day.

“Not supposed to be this way…” I admitted, “And certainly not supposed to be today.”

“Hey, it can wait, Suho.” She said, squeezing my hand. “If you already planned something, stick with it. I like surprises.”

“But you already knew, the element of surprise is gone.” I said.

“I am guessing you already know my answer if you asked me.” She said, breaking the element of surprise to me before surprising me with a kiss.

Jessica is already steady with Jaejoong, the guy she met two years ago, who turns out to be Krystal’s new teacher in one of her subjects. It was awkward for all of us, because we are all students at that time, and he is a teacher, especially for Krystal. Jessica met him in the pub where Sunny used to sing at. He is taller than me in stature, and he had sharp and strong facial features. He was a good-looking guy, but there was something strange about his aura.

“Hey, I have a favour to ask of you…” Jessica told me as soon as I took the seat in front of her. We are in a coffee shop late at night when I asked her to see me. Our finals were in that last week, I was not surprised to see her with some notes on the table.

“Anything for you…” I said, since I will ask for a favour, too.

“Do you remember Jaejoong?” She asked, getting excited over the subject, pushing her notebook lightly from her. She is smiling widely, her eyes sparkling.

“Yes, I remember him… What about him?” I asked, taking a sip from my coffee.

“We are engaged.” She said, smiling.

“Engaged?” I asked in disbelief, almost spitting out the coffee from my mouth.

“Yes! To be married!” She said excitedly, and then she showed me her hand. It was anything but unremarkable. It was, I guess, every woman would want in their early twenties. The diamond embedded on the ring is sparkling, comparable even to the stars in the sky. “Last night, he proposed to me.”

I was supposed to be happy for her. She seemed happy; it should be anything that I could ever ask for my friend. But the thought of that Jaejoong guy with our Jessica… “Jessica, I guess there would be no other way to say this, but I don’t like him.” I confessed, suddenly taking away all the happiness from her face.

“Why not?” She asked.

“I don’t know… He’s arrogant. He’s too old for you.” I said.

“Sunny is too old for you.” She countered, smiling.

“No, Sica. Don’t bring it up…” I said. She stared back at me the way only she could do. She is getting angry at me, her nose flaring at the intake of air. Carefully choosing my words, “I don’t think Jaejoong is the right guy for you.” I said.

“What are you talking about? Jaejoong is smart, and he loves me. He made me happy like no one else ever did.” She said, smiling, as if my words were the biggest joke of all.

“Don’t you think that you’re going too fast? I mean, in high school you used to like Kyuhyun, probably the perfect guy for you all these years, mind you, and when he’s gone, you’ve been seeing an athlete, who obviously doesn’t like you. I am going to be a teacher in a year, and now you’re engaged to one!”

“Are you jealous?” She asked.

“No, but hear me out, okay?” She nodded. “I admit, he is young, he is handsome, and he could be your prince charming. But you are going to the States after graduation, remember?”

“I will stay here.” She shrugged.

“What about your dreams? You pursued Arts, and you’ve got your future ahead of you. It is what you want, and, it’s in the States! What if your first love comes back with a shining second chance of happiness?” I stopped, realizing that I meant a long lost friend of mine.

“Suho-ah, first loves are great and spectacular, but it doesn’t happen often. There will always be an exception to the rule, and you are lucky to be exempted.” She stopped to drink coffee. “It doesn’t matter if I go to the States or not… I haven’t met Jaejoong when I made those plans. Right now, it just doesn’t matter as long as you’re with the one you love.”

“I’m sorry, Sica.”

“Just because you had your first love, it doesn’t mean that I deserve to have mine, too. We were kids back then, Suho. People change, and what is the guarantee that he will come back? And even if he comes back, I already love someone else.”

“He is not the guy for you, Sica.” I said.

“Then who is?” She asked. “Cho Kyuhyun is alien to me. Lee Donghae was an . Forgive me, but you’re on the blacklist, too.”

“I’m sorry.” I told her.

“What is the matter with you?” She asked.

“I think I’m just being overprotective of you…” I said. “This by far is the most serious relationship you have gotten into. Don’t you think that… it’s all too sudden?”

“You don’t have to feel bad about Jaejoong, okay? I wouldn’t be serious in something not worth being serious about.” She said, connecting the puzzle for me.

“Sica… I’m really sorry.”

“I know you didn’t mean it… Jaejoong is a great guy.”

“So what is the favour?”

“Will you be there when we announce it to my parents?” She asked with her eyes full of hope and happiness, excitement and eagerness.

Being her friend for a long time now, I’ve never seen her so happy. I wasn’t entirely in favour of her relationship, but if it makes her happy, then I will do everything in my power. “Of course…”

I had double thoughts if I should ask her the favour I wanted to see her in the first place. I don’t want to burden her at the height of her engagement. It turns out that I was the last person she told the news except her parents. But she will be the first one to know about my plans.

“Hey, Sica, I’m going to tell you something.” I said.

“What is it?” She asked.

“Sunny and I never talked about this, but I am planning on asking her to marry me.” I told her. At first her face showed signs of happiness for me, but then it changed quickly, as if she had organized her thoughts instantly.

“Are you out of your mind?! We will be fresh graduates with no job experience in a matter of weeks and now you are planning on marriage? What will you feed her? Where will you live?”

“Wait, it’s just an engagement, Sica. We could marry when I have a stable job, and she has hers.” I told her. Her face seemed to have calmed down, understanding the situation I had in mind. “So, are you okay with this?”

“Why are you asking me?” She asked.

“You are her best friend… Of course I should consult you, too.” I told her. “And I’d be needing help for the preparation.”

“Will you get a band?”

“Yes.”

“Oh! And fireworks! She hates them but it will make her cling to you.” She said, smirking.

“No fireworks.”

“It will be romantic, Suho! She will love it!” She said. “Oh, and do you already have the ring?”

“No, I don’t know her size.”

The night went old, and we were still preparing for that night.

The night before my graduation was the day I planned to finally propose to her, and hopefully get the talk about us. That night was her graduation day. Jessica and I promised that we would be waiting after the ceremonies. I had my lines memorized, the band on hold, and the fireworks waiting to be fired, the flowers in my hand and the velvet case in my pockets.

The moment they got out of the hall, I ran to her and hugged her. “Congratulations!” I said. It was so close that I could smell the sweet scent of her shampoo. I pledged never to let go of her this time, as I kissed her cheeks, her nose, and her forehead, everywhere, to tell her that I’m proud of her, until I kissed her lips.

Even though her parents were around, there I was, never letting go of her as she received love from everyone close to her heart. Before the sun set, I swore nothing could ever tear Sunny and I apart. Amidst all the greetings and hugs from her friends, her family, I hugged her, never letting go of her waist at most. My phone rang.

“Suho-ah, aren’t you going to answer that?” Sunny asked.

“I don’t want to let you go, Sunny.” I told her.

“I’ll be right here, Suho.”

I was stunned. The urgency of the violent sound boomed all over the place, as if my breaths were replaced by the echoing sound. Hesitantly, I let go of the hand around her, to walk a few metres away from them.

I watched my father’s photo ever so brightly looming on my phone. I answered it. As I put the phone on my ears, I watched my friends smile to me, as they embraced one another. But it had grown too quiet across the line.

“Hello?” I asked.

“Hello, is this Mr Kim Joonmyeon speaking?” A female voice said. It was formal. No, it was too formal.

“Yes, it is.” I said.

As soon as I heard the name of the place, I left them. “Suho-ah! Where are you going?” I heard Sunny’s voice calling after me, but I have to go. I drove with shaky hands, incoherent breaths, and unstable thoughts as I recalled what the voice on the other line said.

When I get there, Hyoyeon noona was already waiting for me. She was crying, her tears uncontrollably flowed from her eyes, and then she ran to me and hugged me. Spontaneously, my eyes were filled with tears as well. The last time Hyoyeon ever hugged me was when we were still kids.

As we walked into the emergency room, I could hear my brother wailing in the background. Hyoyeon walked faster than me, so she got there first. She stood at the foot of an occupied bed. The doctors seem finished with the patient. My heart leapt. My brother’s voice came from there.

My mother unconsciously laid there on the hospital bed. She got cuts on her face, and some in her arms. “The doctors said that it was a miracle mother survived the hit. I say it was God’s grace that Kibum is still conscious right now.” Hyoyeon said quietly as she sobbed.

“A-and Father?” I asked.

Hyoyeon stopped, but she didn’t answer my question, “If mother doesn’t wake up, we will be asked to get her a room.”

“Noona, where is abeoji?” I asked with a firm voice.

“He is still in the operating room.” She softly said.

“How?” I asked. She didn’t spoke, but more tears fell from her eyes. I turned to Kibum who stopped crying. “How?”

“There was a truck going bonkers. It was going to hit us hard, and then he swerved to the right.” He said. The reflex was the other way around. Kibum continued, “He ing swerved to the right! He would’ve saved himself, but he ing saved my life!” Kibum said whilst shedding tears. I wanted to hit him so hard, it was his fault.

“You didn’t do anything.” I said.

“I know, and I’m sorry, okay?!” Kibum said.

“You ing didn’t do anything!” I yelled at him.

“You don’t have to shout it at me! I ing know what happened!” He said, standing up to face me, finally showing me his face. He was as equally wounded as mother. But he is sensible.

“You are a bastard!” I yelled, pushing him.

“Yes, I am the ing bastard! You don’t have to tell it to everybody! You don’t have to tell everyone that you are the perfect son!” He grabbed me by my collar.

“Will the both of just shut the up?” Hyoyeon said.

“Oh, Hyoyeon, don’t act as if you don’t envy him!” Kibum said, letting go of me and turning to her.

“What? Just shut it, will you?” Hyoyeon said.

“You have no right to shut me up, Hyoyeon!” He yelled at her.

“Don’t snap at her!” I said.

“You bastard, I will kill you!”

Kibum charged at me, but Hyoyeon and some other staff stopped us. We were sent out of the emergency room as we were creating pollution amidst all chaos. We waited outside the operating room in case the doctors gave news about my father.

When I looked at my phone, I’ve got 12 missed calls from Sunny; I unlocked it just the same time I received another incoming from her. “Hey.”

“Hey, where are you? You got us worried sick, Suho. Tell me where you are.” She said.

“I’m at the hospital. They got in a car crash.” I said.

Then she hung up.

There was no intelligent thing that was happening as the next minutes passed by.

“Suho!”

I turned and found my friends running to me. Sunny dressed in a beautiful pink dress for the party. But she isn’t in the party. Suddenly, all the pain and sorrow suddenly came, and as I hugged her, that is when my tears fell unceasingly. Her hands my back, as the others talked to my siblings.

Then, the doors to the emergency room opened, all attention to the doctor in white.

As he said the words that the three of us feared to hear, the world slowed, my vision blurred, my hearing impaired, my voice gone. And just like that, I lost the very person who I always wanted to please. And I lost control of gravity.

Sunny helped me sit on a proper chair. She hugged me, taking the seat beside me. “Hey,” she said as Jessica gently rubbed my back. “It’s all right, Suho…”

I shook my head. “It is not all right, Sunny. He is the sole reason why I am like this. I wanted to prove to him that I can do well with what I wanted. And now he is gone. Just before my graduation. And my mother is still unconscious, not even knowing that her husband died. Tell me, what is right in everything?!”

“I don’t know, I’m sorry, okay?” She said.

“You don’t know anything because you are not the one hurting!” I yelled. I saw her frown, and I wished I didn't. Someone pulled her out of my sight—it was Jessica who slapped me.

“What the is wrong with you?!” She exclaimed, pulling Sunny along with her, leaving me to deteriorate by myself.

The next day no one came to my graduation. No one stood at the sound of my name. No one came to be proud of me. No one came to clap for my Latin honour. My father is gone. My mother trapped in a coma. My brother has a family to look after. My sister takes care of all the papers. My best friend is mad at me. Sunny was afraid of me.

Life was selfish. It took away everything I have, one by one, and left me with nothing.