The last time we saw each other before the classes resume the fall of that year, I confessed my most hidden feelings for Sunny. I vowed that I will never treat her as a best friend after that day. I told myself that I will no longer want to be always at her back. I promised to be by her side the next time we see each other.

But when I get home the day after, I cried upon realizing that she had known of my feelings for a very long time, and she said she wished she didn’t. She knew from the start that I have feelings for her but she didn’t do anything to stop me or at least confront me about it. She just let my feelings grow stronger and stronger until I can no longer control it. But she ignored my feelings and acted like it was nothing.

The thought that the person I needed the most, was the very reason why I feel so broken. My family have glitches of their own. They have deeper problems and much more important things to be busy about, I always thought to myself. I learned how to be independent at a young age. I would be able to get over my feelings and emotions. For nights, I snuck out by myself, going out of nowhere, until my feet felt sore and I started walking back home.

I used to be the person people went to during the times they have a hard time. When hyung found out that he impregnated his girlfriend, I listened to him all night long. When noona confessed that she doesn’t go to school anymore, I helped her get back on track. I was everyone’s confidante and warden. I thought being nice to the world would mean the world being nice to you, it turns out that it isn’t. I had no one to turn to when it was my turn to cry.

One night, I was just walking back home after my long stroll around the neighbourhood when I saw someone sneak out of our house. At first I thought it was a burglar but as the figure walked out of the fence, I came face to face with my sister. We were both startled to find each other, but it was her who spoke first.

“It’s quite early to go home yet, Joonmyeon.” She said, keeping her voice down in case someone from the house hears us.

“It’s too late to go out, noona.” I said in counter.

“Do you wanna come with me?” She asked. It was painted on her face that she has a very big problem and going out may be the only way to find the answers to her questions.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“To the bar.” She said as if it was routinely spoken in . The very thought of it irks me because I haven’t been in an actual bar even though I’m in college and some of my friends are such drunkards.

“I don’t drink.” I said.

“Okay, let’s just stay here. I’m sure we’ll find something.” She said, and then we went inside the house through the front door quietly. The atmosphere in our house was cold and quiet, as if it was reflecting how I’ve been feeling for so long. It was so different compared to the cheery and warm atmosphere in the day.

Hyoyeon was leading the way to our kitchen. As if she had done it a billion times, opened a cupboard and expertly took one of father’s glass bottles, before handing it to me. The writing was in English but I was too lazy to read, and probably too thrilled on what we are going to do. After taking two glasses, Hyoyeon lead the way out of the back door, and around the house. We settled on the side facing the wall of the Lee’s empty house.

“Have you done this for many times now?” I asked as Hyoyeon poured the drink on my glass. It was colourless.

“Yes.” She bit her lips, while pouring on her own glass. She clinked our glasses together before emptying hers. I took a good amount, tasting alcohol for the first time. It burned my throat and my chest, before the heat took over my stomach.

“Only two glasses for you, my dear brother. We don’t know how you act when you’re drunk.” She smiled.

“How are you when you’re drunk?” I asked, smiling, thrilled I am finally doing something cool with my sister.

“I kiss people.” She said, and then we laughed together. “Hey, I have a theory. Kibum oppa likes to hug people when he’s drunk. Since you are the youngest, it is possible maybe you can do more than kissing when you are wasted.”

“That will never happen.” I laughed.

There was a moment of silence after I said that. Then I realized that I haven’t been spending enough time with my family to engage a new topic. Hyoyeon emptied another full glass, and then I took another sip. This time, I felt the warmth all over my upper body.

“So what is your problem?” She broke the silence between us. I stared at my glass first, then at the house in front of us before I spoke.

“I made a mistake.” I said.

“Damn it, Joonmyeon. I know you made a mistake. You are not a fan of staying up late. What did you really do?” She asked, taking the glass bottle again and pouring her own glass.

“I confessed to the girl I love.” I said. The silence after that urged me to go on, but I didn’t. Instead, I asked back, “What is your problem?”

“I have this guy I’ve been dating…” She started.

“Are you pregnant or something?” I asked.

“No! I mean, I don’t know… I’ve been delayed for a week now. And tomorrow, if I’m still delayed, I’m going to see a doctor.” She said. As she spoke those words, I knew that she is afraid and I realized was a sensitive subject to just blurt out to my sister who is currently wasting herself. So I stayed silent, waiting for her to continue.

“I don’t want to be like Kibum, Joonmyeon. I don’t want to become like our parents who married each other only because mom got pregnant. I want to have a stable job, I want to be married, and I want to have a perfect life before I become pregnant with the child of the one I love.” She said.

I looked away, not knowing what to do or to actually feel if I see her break down bit by bit. Then I heard her breathing out heavily, as if trying to stop the tears that were about to come. Hyoyeon is probably the strongest person that I have ever known and seeing her so broken made me feel so pathetic. Her problems have gotten to a whole new level while I was stuck on being in love with my best friend as my problem.

“Who is the girl?” She finally asked when she was done crying. That is when I finally drink the remaining contents of my glass. It was so strong this time. I felt the warm tingling sensation all over my body, burning my throat in the course.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I said.

“I told you my story. I guess it’s only fair you give me her name.” She took the glass bottle again, this time pouring mine as well. She sounds excited. “Do I know her?”

I nodded.

“Let me guess… There are only three girls you’ve hung out with all the years that I know of. Krystal has a boyfriend. So it is either Jessica or Sunny.” She said before taking a sip from her glass.

“Please, let’s talk about this on another day.” I said. It was not fair. My life has been an open book all these time to everybody, and I can’t even keep a single secret about myself. But somehow, I wanted to tell her, too. I’ve been keeping it for so long that I don’t know what to do anymore.

“I don’t really care who it is, but if your confession didn’t turn out nice, I want you to know that from that day onwards, she will start to notice you. Then she might admire you. Then it might jump from admiration to love.” She said.

“Stop it.” I said, before she could even quote another favourite author of hers.

“Okay, fine. I’ll shut it. But didn’t you say that you all went to the province because Sunny just broke up with her boyfriend? You don’t expect her to move on easily, Joonmyeon.” She said.

“How did you know it was Sunny?” I asked, smiling.

“Jessica likes you. If you confessed to her, you won’t be with me right now.” She said as I stare at her draining the contents of her glass once again.

“Where did you get that? Jessica doesn’t like me.” I said.

She looked stoned, as if she was not in the right place to talk about it which technically is true. But she said as if it was real. She said, “I hate to break it to you.”

“If there is anyone who helps me with Sunny, it’s Jessica. She’s a good friend, and she is smart enough to know what it means to like me.” I said. Hyoyeon’s eyebrows rose, asking me to elaborate, “She knows that it has always been Sunny ever since high school.”

“Has it been that long? Aw, Joonmyeon, you’ve grown!” She said, her voice got louder than the usual. “Man, I like you!”

“Your voice is getting louder, noona. I guess it’s time for bed, huh?” I asked, fearing that when she drink more, she might get louder and we would not want our parents to see two of their children drinking liquor late night.

“Yeah, I guess so.” She admitted.

“Will we come here again tomorrow?” I asked.

“Well, we haven’t really talked about your problem. Whether I am pregnant or not, I will stop drinking tomorrow.” She said.

“Who is the father?” I asked, suddenly becoming curious.

“Hyukjae.” She said and she stood up. She took the bottle and her empty glass before she goes through the back door. I finished my own drink and waited for another ten minutes before I came in myself.

While waiting, I gazed at the stars. Funny that Hyoyeon has been with her boyfriend for five years now, and Kibum already has a son, while I still desperately yearn for my love. When I went through the back door that night, I swore to myself that I would never drink alcohol ever again. But that was the last time I ever drank alcohol and went to bed with clear thoughts.

The next day, it turned out that Hyoyeon wasn’t pregnant.

Since there was nothing much to do in summer, my mother looked for a summer job I could take. And the next thing I knew, I was working in the library for eight hours three times a week with Jessica. As much as possible, I tried to stay away from anyone aside from my family because of what happened in the province, and of the information I received from Hyoyeon. By anyone, it meant anyone related to me, Sunny, or Jessica. I don’t believe my sister, but somehow, she made it difficult for me to trust the last friend I had after crossing the line between my friendship with Sunny.

So you could imagine what a fool I made of myself when I learned that Jessica is working in the same library for the summer. I prevented coming to the library with her, I ignored her every time she tried to talk to me. I just didn’t want to talk to her. But Jessica is a Jung, both strong and witty enough to corner me on my first day.

“Lunch?” She asked me, literally cornering me against the bookshelf when I finished my last errands. “Have you heard about the Kwon’s pizza place? Let’s go there!”

I just nodded. When she stepped back, that is when I realized that I’ve been holding my breath. When we step out of one aisle, I was planning to go to the other direction, but she caught my arm, and held it with her strong grip.

“Hey, why were you running away from me?” She said in a hiss, pulling me with her out of the library. As soon as we got out of the quiet reserves of the library, protecting me from the Jung’s confrontation, Jessica’s voice came to the strong and powerful authoritative expression that only she could pull off.

“What are you being gay about?!” She asked.

“Are we okay, Sica?” I asked.

“Why would you think that we’re not okay?” She asked.

We walked away from the library and across the road. “I dated your sister and bailed out on her in one week. Aren’t you mad at me?” I asked.

“Well, at first, you couldn’t imagine how much I wanted to strangle you with my bare hands. But, it happens, and if you didn’t bail out on her, she wouldn’t be happy with Sehun right now.” She said. “Aren’t you excited? Yuri said that she’ll give us a huge discount.”

I nodded, and we started walking towards the place. Clearly she is trying to avoid something. Then I started, “Jessica, we are good, right? Like, there are no chances of us getting romantic with each other, right? We are only friends, and we cannot ever cross that line.”

“Why are you saying this?” She asked, smiling a little.

“You are the last amazing friend I have right now, and I want our relationship to stay that way. No more, no less.” I said.

“Oh…” Jessica frowned into a thought before breaking into a smile, “Of course! I mean, how could I ever date someone who doesn’t even like my sister? And, I wouldn’t ever like somebody who I know in the first place already have feelings for somebody else.”

“Exactly.” I said. “I knew you were smart like that, Sica. I could count on it, right?”

“Yeah, sure.” She said. “How can I guarantee that you will not fall for me the way you did for Sunny?”

“I don’t see my future with you, Sica.” I said. “Was that good enough?”

“Yeah.” She said.

“So what happened in the province when I left?” I asked, turning to look at her.

She had been looking down but went back into smiling as she turned to me. “It was fun! We visited Jongdae’s side of the family, and both his parents thought I was pretty. You remember Jongdae, right? Sunny’s hot cousin. They were telling him to court me, man up, ask for my number, but that was impossible.”

“Why, what happened?” I asked.

“That night, Jongdae made it clear to me that there is not a chance that we are happening. He told me that he was gay and he thinks that I look like a Barbie doll. It was so funny that you told me the same things just now. Except for the Barbie doll and you are not gay.” She said

“Sica.” I said, stopping.

“Suho.” She stopped, too.

“I’m sorry.” I said.

“What are you sorry for? Jongdae is gay, and if he doesn’t like me, it’s perfectly fine!” Jessica said.

“I am not gay, Sica.” I said.

“Look, it is not your fault that you are in love with Sunny ever since high school. I can’t ever surpass the charm she put you into. Don’t feel sorry for something you’ve never done. It was my fault for liking you.” She said, and we fell into a silence. “But you know me, I am the strong, mighty Jung. Moving on is easy for me. There are like, five to ten love letters I receive each day. Don’t worry about it.”

“Are we still best friends?” I asked.

“Hey, race to the Kwon’s. The winner gets free pizza.” She said, and then she dashed off. I was about to run after her, and I am pretty sure I could catch her. Running isn’t her style, and I could win. But I want her to feel better, so I stopped running.

That day Jessica made it clear that she doesn’t have feelings for me strong enough to break our friendship. Even though we both knew that her feelings were special, I just don’t see her in a way I see the love of my life. She knows that Sunny is the one and only one and she should not have that kind of feelings in the first place. Jessica is a good friend, and I trust her judgment.

But the very next day, our friendship just stopped. She left her job in the library. Then I regretted buying her the free pizza on that exact same day. Heck, I regretted not running after her. At least I would have had the pizza. Came days and weeks and summer is finally over. And the next thing I knew, I have no friends by my side when the fall semester came after that summer.

When the school started after that summer, the three of us never got the chance to be with each other again. On the first weeks, I tried hard to get in touch with them, which was very awkward, because I tried to talk to the people I stopped talking to last summer, and suddenly, I stopped trying. I barely even see my roommate Sehun or his girlfriend Krystal in our room. It’s as if the universe has conspired to keep all my few friends out of my system.

During the fall semester, it was perfectly fine. I had better performance in my studies, but suddenly, I was in the faint line dividing the anti-socials from the socialites. Sehun told me to go out and be wild, and so I started going to the pub to drink with some of my classmates.

That is when I realized that I was pretty popular in school. Everyone knew my name, Kim Joonmyeon, the number one on the Dean’s List, the teachers’ favourite student. The difference in high school and college is probably how the people treat you. When I was in high school, it is either you belong to the cool people or the nerd people. I belonged in the latter. But in college, if you do well, you are considered cool. And suddenly, everyone wanted me in their comradeship.

But amidst all the attention and popularity I get from studying hard, I never actually got to feel the happiness that I really want. I started going out to party every Friday nights, drinking all sorts of beer, wine, and spirits. Everything was all right, until I get disgusted by the false euphoria of this temporariness. I missed my true friends, the people who got nothing from you and remained with you nonetheless. These people only wanted the social class that I could guarantee. But I have nowhere to go. How could I even face them after all what happened with all of us?

One Friday night, the spring semester was about to end, I was hanging out with my classmates, Sunny and I met each other in a pub. That year was pretty tough for me. I was planning on dropping all my major courses and go away for good. But in that magical Friday night in the year of all depression and disintegrations, Sunny appeared in the pub where I planned to get wasted and magically stopped me from drowning myself in despair. And suddenly, the vodka in my hands didn’t matter anymore.

“Funny seeing you here.” I spun around the moment I heard that voice. I can never be so wrong of that voice in all my life. I haven’t seen her ever since I confessed to her. Sure it wasn’t that easy to close your eyes to her and pretend that you never see her in a year, but we really haven’t talked to each other in a long time.

“Sunny?” She nodded excitedly and I pulled her in a hug. As soon as we pulled out of each other’s embrace there I saw the transformation she did with herself. I asked, “What happened to you?”

“What happened to you?” She opposed.

I got to admit, I was not the Kim Joonmyeon everyone knew when I was in third year. And the same went for her. She was wearing an all-black outfit and dark make up to the point that calling her Sunny would be a sin. It was as if she turned into one of those Goths who play in a band you see in the university I would’ve mistaken if only I knew that she doesn’t do music.

“Alpha Phi Omega.” She muttered as she read the Greek letters on my jacket. “You are in Alpha Phi Omega?”

“Yes. They are pretty cool.” I said, smiling a little at the recognition.

“Are you kidding me? That is like the most popular and most prestigious fraternity here in the whole university!” She said. “It’s not just pretty cool, it is super cool!”

“When did you start going here?” I asked, letting her seat beside me. She ordered her usual from the bartender. She must’ve been here most of the time because she has a usual, and the guy knows her.

“Since the start of fall semester.” She said, taking a sip from her drink. “I met these girls who go out every Friday night but never fail in their classes, and now I am the vocalist in their band.”

“That’s cool. Aren’t you roommates with Jessica anymore?” I asked. “She wouldn’t have let you go out on Friday nights.”

“I moved out.” She said silently.

“Oh. Did you guys fight?” I asked, taking a sip from my drink.

“We realized that we can’t stay as best friends any more than the two of us could. What do you think is the reason why after so long, for the many times you’ve been here, this is the only time I went up to you? We are no longer seven year olds playing hide and seek in the backyard, Suho.” She said, gulping the contents of her glass all at once. Then the bartender immediately refilled it.

“Suho… It’s been a long time since someone called me that. What happened between you and Sica?” I asked.

“You don’t need to know about it. It is our own issue. Do you still see each other?” She inquired, to which she looked more than curious.

“No, it’s been a long while.” I said, recalling the last time we hung out in the summer. “We aren’t in good terms right now.”

“She used to come here once in a while. Even I was surprised to see her come here. But when she stayed too long, and our band started playing, that was when she stopped coming.” She said. I didn’t even know that both of them fought. The three of us really is broken. I guess there are no chances of the group coming back together. Sunny continued, “Did you know that she is going to the States right after college?”

I stared back at her trying to see if there are traces of dishonesty. “No.” I said.

“Sorry to break it to you.” She said before emptying the contents of her glass. “We are going onstage. Will you wait for me?”

“Yes.” I said.

I met Sunny’s new friends and she met mine. They were nice people but something tells me that they are bad influence to her. She said the exact same thing when we started walking back to the school grounds. I offered to walk her to her dorm, since she didn’t bring her truck with her anymore.

“Hey, do you remember that last day you stayed in our place?” Sunny asked, clinging into my arms. I started to see double, and I guess she is very much in the same state as I am. We drank for a while after their band played before we actually decided to go home while we were sober enough.

“Yeah…” I muttered. We avoided that issue the whole time we were in the pub. I guess it is just about time that we talk about it, the reason and probably the topic which started the crumbling of the trio.

“By any chance, do you still feel the same way?” She asked. I laughed. Then she laughed, too.

“Is that what you want?” I asked. There was a long silence between us before she spoke again.

“I don’t know… I’m sorry… It’s just so cool to see you right now.” She said as we swayed our way through the deserted road. “You are ing awesome, with your ing awesome frat. Do you work out?” She asked as she felt the muscles on my arms.

“It is the thing in the house.” I said.

“I can’t believe I tried to hook you up with my gay cousin. God, you are so hot right now.” She said, laughing. “Hey…” Then she stopped walking. “You forgot to fight for me.” She pouted at me, holding my hand tightly as we stood in the road facing each other.

“Did you want me to fight for you?” I asked, but she only stared at my eyes.

I took a step closer, and she didn’t step back. We were inches away from each other; it was so close that I could feel the air passing from her nose. My hands travelled up, cupping her face as we stared into each other’s eyes. Her accentuated eyes are telling me to go on, giving me permission to do it.

Her lips were as soft as I had imagined it. I kissed her, and she kissed me back. For once, the feelings were not one sided. Her lips tasted of fermented grapes, suggesting that she had been drinking wine all these time. She wasn’t drunk. She can never be drunk with wine. These kisses were real.

When we became breathless, that is when we pulled out of the embrace. We continued walking, bashfully avoiding each other’s eyes, but our hands warmly intertwined. I was surprised that our steps took us in front of their old dormitory.

“Am I still the one?” Sunny asked as we stood still under the moonlight. I nodded. “Look, I was drunk, and I’m sorry. I don’t know what is happening.” She said.

I frowned. “You never get drunk from wine.”

“We both know that presently, we are not doing well, the reason why I see you in the pub. When we were kids, the three of us swore to the River of Styx not to drink alcohol regularly. But we are now. I even bet that Jessica does, too. I have my own issues in my life and you certainly are not my personal brand of Suho right now. Maybe this is not a good time for us.” She said.

“Can we start over? Everything is so messed up; I don’t even know what I am doing in my life. For now, we could just forget what happened and concentrate on our priorities first.” I said.

She pursed her lips, thinking hard. “After graduation, will you fight for me?”

“Yes.” I said.

She nodded. I nodded. We stayed like that for a moment, until she brought her arm up, looking at her wrist watch, then at the dormitory. Her eyes moved as if looking for one particular window. Then I realized Jessica’s lights are still up.

“Shall we start with Sica?” She asked.