Chapter 21

It has been about two weeks since my release from the hospital. It feels great to be home. Thoughts of GD keep me up when Sehun isn’t around. I need to stop letting him win. I find myself wondering when I will see him again. Will I be alone? Will he hurt me again? Is he capable of doing more damage? Even with Sehun by my side, I still keep thinking of the worse case scenarios. Sehun told me to stop thinking about him and to be happy that I’m alive. Easy for him to say, but I don’t fight back. Sehun has kept me home and won’t let me out of his sight. I made up new recipes to try out, and have been baking like crazy. Kris has been complaining that he has already gained five pounds!

Being with Sehun is helping me but it’s still hard to move on. It feels amazing to be in his arms and to hear him tell me how much he loves me. Sehun gives me hope for a better tomorrow. Each night before we go to bed, he whispers how much he loves me. We have a sign over our bed that says, “Always kiss me goodnight” and he does. I have been sleeping in a lot, since I’ve been home, and when I wake up there is a lily and a note on the nightstand. He has been unbelievably romantic and I love every moment I spend with him.

“Good morning beautiful. How are you feeling?” He leans down and gives me a kiss. I start to blush and smile.

“I’m okay, thank you.” I roll over and look at the time. It’s only seven am. I raise my arms over my head and stretch. I have to do something today or else someone will feel my wrath! I bend forward and take out my laptop. I power it up and let out a sigh.

“Baby, what are you doing?” He sounds annoyed. I flash him a dirty look and focus on my laptop again.

“Sehun, the presentation is coming up and I need to work on it.” The bruises on my face are still there, but slowly fading. I still have not left the apartment in fear GD will find me. I’ve had a few nightmares but it has been getting easier. 

“I’m not going to let GD ruin this for me.”

Sehun takes my hand and sits on the bed. “Baby, everything’s been approved and I took your presentation to the board. You’re fine, everything is all set.”

I look at him with such rage and annoyance. I cannot believe he has done this to me. This is my project! How dare he do this! 

“Sehun! What the hell! I am fully capable of doing my work!” I pull my hand away. 

“You have no right to do this!”

“Taeyeon, stop this now. You are in no condition to be working. I did not do anything wrong. I took what you did and showed the board. Everyone knows that you did the work and are very impressed, as they should be. I am trying to protect you. You are to be working from home, but not until you’ve fully recovered.”

I push him away. How could he do this to me? I am more than capable of getting my work done. My skin is tingling with irritation. I get up from the bed and pace around the room. 

“You can’t do this Sehun!” I point my finger at him and wave him away. 

“I can work!”

“I’m not doing this with you right now. Until we find GD you are to be with me, Kris or Jessica, do you understand me?” Sehun abruptly gets up from the bed and leaves the room.

God, he makes me so mad! My cell phone starts ringing. I get it from the nightstand and do not recognize the number, but I answer the call anyway, thinking It’s someone from the hospital. 

“Hello?”

There was heavy breathing on the other line.

“Hello?” I’m getting impatient and about to hang up when that sinister voice comes on the line. 

“Taeyeon.” The hairs on my arm stand. I stop breathing. I’m frozen. Why can’t I be strong and get past this?

“GD?” I look out the window of our bedroom. I hear a creak and immediately turn my head toward the door. I grab onto our comforter and try to remain calm. 

“What do you want?”

“For you to listen to me,” his breathing becomes erratic. I hear him moving and wonder where he is. 

“I need you to understand Taeyeon. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please, please listen to me. I need you to meet me outside of your apartment.” He pauses. He can’t be near the apartment. I’m frantic again. 

“I’m standing outside.” GD’s pleas are scaring me. I throw the covers off and run to the window. I look outside the window to see if he is there. I feel eyes on me but I don’t see him anywhere. I drop the phone and panic. I can’t seem to catch my breath. I don’t realize how loud I’m crying until Sehun and Kris storm in.

Kris picks up the phone from the ground and Sehun takes me in his arms. 

“Who the hell is this?” He looks at the phone. “There is no one on the phone. Tae who was it?”

I can’t breathe. I feel a tight hold on my throat and collapse into Sehun’s arms. I want to tell them that GD was on the phone but I can’t talk.

“Sweetheart, look at me.” Sehun places his hands on my face and brings it up. 

“I know you’re scared but we need to know who called you. Just nod, okay? Was it GD?”

I nod.

“Kris, make sure the doors are secured and tell Kai and the staff to not let GD in the building.” 

Kris runs out of the room. Sehun takes me in his arms and leads me to the bed. “I am not going to let anything happen to you Taeyeon. You are my life. I love you.”

“I’m sorry.” My voice is raspy and I attempt to curl my lips in a smile.

Sehun my head. “Baby you have no reason to be sorry. I just want you to be safe.”

I feel calm but still can’t shake the feeling of being scared. I knew GD wasn’t going to give up until he gets me back or kills me. I don’t know why he won’t just leave me alone.

* * * * *

The next few days are starting to become unbearable. Sehun does not want me going anywhere without him or Kris. Things are so boring. I tried conferencing him when he was in the office, so that I could stay on top of the plans for Lunatic and the products. I do not get how I can work when I can’t even leave. Apparently going to the office was not a good idea. My dad wants me to stay home so that no one will see the bruises and Sehun agrees. I hate that everyone is making decisions for me.

GD hasn’t tried contacting me since that day and there hasn’t been anything suspicious going on. All this paranoid is driving me crazy. Sehun controls everything. He isn’t sleeping at night, and is cranky all the time. Luckily, Jessica is over all the time so I don’t feel too alone.

We’re sitting on my bed reading magazines. Jessica flips on her back and loudly groans. 

“Girl you need to eat! You look sick.”

I frown. “I just haven’t been hungry.” 

I look at myself in the mirror. I’m in one of Sehun’s Ralph Lauren shirts and my black crop yoga pants. I am shocked with how I look. “God, I need to get out of here and get to a spa!”

“Well then let’s go!” Jessica jumps up from the bed and starts bouncing up and down. 

“Come on! GD hasn’t done anything since that call. We will be gone for like an hour! They won’t even know.”

I consider everything that Jessica is saying, but I do not want to make Sehun mad. He is doing so much to ensure our safety, but she has a point. GD hasn’t made contact with me since that day and everything seems to be alright. 

“Okay, let’s go but we have to be quiet!” Sehun and Kris are in the office and in meetings all day, so I know that we can get in and out without them ever finding out what we are about to do. I quickly change into my black skinny jeans and a Nike pale blue sweater. I throw on my Nike jacket and a hat and we make our way out the door.

When we get outside, the weather is calm and there is a slight breeze. It’s February, and it seems as though spring has come early. All the snow has melted and I can hear chirping all around me. Jessica loops her arm around mine and we walk toward Calm Spa.

The spa is close to the apartment, about six blocks away. When we arrive inside the spa, it’s quite busy for a Wednesday afternoon. There are three receptionists at the desk all dressed in black pants and white button down shirts. There is a fountain in the middle of the room with products all over. A blonde hair, brown-eyed woman greets us. 

“Welcome to Calm ladies. My name is Sulli, how may I help you today?”

“Hi Sulli, we are looking to be absolutely spoiled and pampered today, so two of the rejuvenate packages please,” Jessica responds.

“Wonderful. Please follow me this way. Would either of you like beverage, wine, water?”

“Water please.” I answer as we follow Sulli to the back.

“Sounds good, I will grab those glasses for you ladies. Now please undress and put these robes on. You will have your massage first, followed by a facial and seaweed wrap and you will end with a manicure and pedicure.”

We both start giggling and do as Francine has instructed.

* * * * *

After the most relaxing four hours, Jessica and I come out of the spa feeling and looking ten times better. 

“Ahhhh, that was so needed! Thank you so much for convincing me to do this!”

“Anything for you, best friend,” Jessica pulls out her phone and starts scrolling through her messages. 

“Ummmm, you’re not going to like me for very long.”

“Why?” I cry out. “What happened?” I am beyond annoyed at this point. I know it was a bad idea for us to leave the apartment. We both stop walking and I can see how nervous she is getting.

“Sehun is freaking out right now. He is been all over looking for us. Where’s your phone?”

I go through my Hermes purse and pockets. “Oh crap. I left it in the apartment!” 

I take Jessica’s arm and start running. I’m so mad at myself. This is what I wanted to avoid. Sehun and I do not need this right now and I don’t want to keep making him mad. I know that my safety means the world to him and that I have to stop being selfish and let him handle all the problems. I just want him to understand I can’t be in the apartment 24/7. I do need my life back, especially since he doesn’t want me going into the office. I am so scared to see him and have to explain myself.

We start back toward the apartment and I get worried. I’m sure I already know how Sehun is going to react and what he will do. When I open the door, I see Kris sitting on the couch with his laptop. 

“Go find him Tae. I’ll deal with Kris.” Jessica walks over to him and gives him a hug. He looks relieved to have us home.

I can’t find Sehun anywhere in the common areas, so I head to our room. Inside, he is looking out the window with his arms crossed. His entire body looks tense. I can’t stand to look at him like this. He is in so much pain and I’m the one who is the cause of his stress. We can’t keep letting GD ruin our lives. How can Sehun and I grow with GD lurking out there? I want to convince him that I’m fine and all the guards and the protection aren’t necessary. I wish he could just see it my way. I walk over and try to talk to him. I wrap my arms around his waist and softly squeeze. 

“I’m sorry.”

Sehun looks at me. His eyes filled with rage and sadness. “Do you know how worried I was about you? Why can’t you just listen to me? There is so much going on with GD and you just go out there without any thought or consideration.” 

He is pacing the room, and will not even look at me. “I don’t get it. Taeyeon, I am trying to keep you safe... I am trying to keep you ALIVE, TAEYEON! Can you stop being selfish for two seconds and realize that there are people here who are trying to keep you safe?”

I close my eyes and let out a deep sigh. I knew he wouldn’t understand my reasons for doing this and for leaving without letting someone know, but I wasn’t in any harm. I made it home without any issues. I just don’t understand the problem. 

“You don’t get it! I hate being here all the time. You won’t let me go anywhere! Sehun, I feel trapped in the apartment! I don’t get to do anything! GD hasn’t done anything lately! Why can’t you just let me go a little?” I start pacing the room. I am getting irritated and annoyed. 

“I know you want to keep me safe but keeping me trapped here isn’t the answer! I just wanted to get out of here and do... something! Your paranoid is going to tear us apart. Look at us Sehun.”

“Taeyeon, I know that I’ve been going crazy but you don’t get it. I cannot lose you again, please just leave it at that. Do you know how broken I was when I found you in that bathroom? I thought you were dead baby.” 

He comes up to me and brings me in his arms. “You need to realize how much I love you and what I am willing to do to keep you safe. You are my world. The love I have for you grows every second. You are all I think about on a daily basis. I want a future with you and for that to happen, you need to be safe. I will move Heaven and Earth just to ensure you will never feel pain. I need you to be safe so that we can have a life together. You’ve changed my life since the day I saw you in class.” He reaches down and my cheek. 

“I remember that smile, which was the same smile I fell in love with when we were younger. You were wearing jeans, a pink shirt and a white cardigan. You had your hair curled and seeing you again made me realize how much I needed you back in my life. You complete me baby. You’re it for me.”

All of this is too overwhelming and I can’t handle it. I hate that Sehun has to spend extra money to keep me safe when there is no immediate danger. His words are like daggers to my body. 

“Sehun, I’m sorry but I feel like you’re suffocating me.” There I said it. I knew my words would hurt him but I hate the feeling of being trapped. His eyes are full of fear and panic. 

“Taeyeon, this is why I never came back! You’re so selfish!” 

I step back from him. I know he is upset, but those venomous words! Doesn’t he know how much it hurts to hear that? I feel like each step we take, something happens and pushes us back to square one. Maybe we aren’t meant to be together. 

“You won’t let anyone take care of you and you can’t see what is right in front of you!”

I cover my mouth and my eyes are wide open. I bite my tongue because I know he is right, but I’m not that patient. I place my hands on my hips and narrow my eyes at him. 

“Oh Sehun, don’t you dare take that tone with me! Do you know who you are talking to? I am not one of your friends! You cannot just spit those ugly words at me.” 

I take in a deep breath and let it out. I can feel my body trembling. This is too much to handle. I go back to the bed and sit down with my head hanging low. 

“I know I’m all sorts of ed up Sehun... alright? You don’t have to remind me.” I start to cry. 

“You never saved me! Did you know I saved you the night you hit that tree? I was reaching out for you and needed you like never before.” 

My shaky voice quickly turns into sobs. “I needed you Sehun but you weren’t there. I cried every single day. I do want to be with you but you will see me for who I really am and then you will leave. I don’t think I can handle that.”

“Well, I’m here now Taeyeon and I am not going anywhere.” He places his hands on my knees and kneels in front of me. I see his powerful gaze on me. 

“I know I hurt you before, but I promise you I will never do that again.” He places his forehead against mine and I can feel his heart beating. The way he feels for me is so strong and apparent but for some reason I am scared. 

“I need you like I never needed anything else. You are my life, can’t you see that?”

I hold him and close my eyes. This isn’t how our life should be. The fighting and paranoid is driving me crazy. 

“I don’t want to leave you but I can’t live like this. You have to trust my instincts and me. I will be fine.” I feel myself becoming angrier and sad. I don’t want to leave, but if I don’t, I know I will grow to resent him.

Sehun walks back to the window with his arms crossed. 

“Unacceptable Tae, I need you to be safe.”

I feel a sharp pain in my heart. I understand everything he is telling me, but this whole ‘control act’ is too much. My whole body starts to tremble with sadness. My head is spinning and I can feel the knots forming in my stomach. I know I have to get away just for a little bit. I need to regain myself and to compose my thoughts. Being with Sehun is a dream come true; but not this way. I want to be with him, spend time with him, and go to work with him. I want the whole package not just a little. I pick up my purse and start to head out. 

“Sehun, I love you but I can’t live like this. I just need a few days apart from you. This is too much for me to handle. I hope you can understand and forgive me.”

“Taeyeon, wait please. I just got you back and you are leaving me again. What did I do wrong?” 

His pleading voice breaks me but I know I have to leave. I storm out of the room and out of the apartment. I race down the stairs and can hear Sehun’s voice in the distance. I get to the garage and run to my mini cooper car. I have to get out of here. When I get in, I put the car in drive and head back home. The lump in my throat starts to come up and I start sobbing. Am I doing the right thing? I want to get out of my car and run back to him. Back in those loving arms and tell him I am sorry, but I just cannot bring myself to do that. I need space to recollect my thoughts and feelings. I hope I am doing the right thing but why does it feel so wrong? Why can’t I just accept someone loving me and is truly trying to keep me safe? Will Sehun still be waiting for me when I come back? I don’t understand why I can’t accept Sehun and his love. Am I doomed to be alone for the rest of my life?

The house is empty by the time I get home. My dad is out of town for the next few weeks and Tiffany is probably at work. I climb the stairs to my old room and crawl into bed. Right as my head hits my pillow I start crying. The tears fall from my eyes and I clench my pillow tightly. Why did I leave? I look over and see a picture of Sehun and I back when we were happy. There is no GD, no fear of getting hurt- just the two of us. I pick up the picture frame and hold it to my heart. I am selfish. I pushed away the best thing that ever happened to me. I look at the picture and touch Sehun’s face, his smile, his eyes. Everything about him, burned in my memory. I clench the frame tighter. The pain is agonizing. I cannot breathe. It’s so hard to think about what just happened. I kick myself for doing this to him. I throw the frame against the wall and start sobbing. I run to my closet and start throwing everything on the floor. My legs fail me and I fall to the floor in the fetal position. I hold myself and close my eyes but all I see is the darkness. I feel my heart shattering into pieces.  It’s as though someone has reached into my chest and is pulling my heart out. I know there is no one to blame but myself. Who will love me now?