Title [7/10]
Fallen of the Angelus

First off, your title is really interesting. At first glance, I thought it was a mispelling of Angel. (eg. Fallen Angel) But I gave you the benefit of the doubt and I googled it up (yaayyy Mr.Google!). Turns out, this title is very, very unique. The excerpt from google says--as an FYI for people who don't know:

So yeah, to say the least, that got my attention. I am really into these stories, so it made me excited to open it up. But I have two things I would like to touch on with your title. First, I am not entirely sure if it is gramatically correct. Fallen of the Angelus. It's something I've been thinking about for a long time, and I just can't seem to get a grasp of it. I am not a wholly religious person, so I don't have an idea as to how to use this word in a sentence. But, it seems to me that this word is a noun. Which could mean, that your title might be gramatically incorrect. Not entirely sure about it, hun. But it's a good point to keep in mind.

Okay, secondly, since it's not a commonly used title, and that word may not be known to the majority of readers, such as me, they might disregard your story because of it. Get what I mean? Others might not bother to find out what an Angelus is, and they might confuse it-- as I first did-- as a misspelling of the word Angel. But that's a minor thing to point out. You might want to give the definition of the word Angelus, and I also don't know if it entirely relates to your story. Yes, it relates with the whole Catholic theme of it, having you using Biblical references such as Micheal the Archangel and such, but you might want to explain to readers while they're reading it, as to who those characters are and what they stand for, in the actual Bible, since others might not be able to relate or understand.

But yes, besides from those points that I mentioned, I commend you for thinking up of a very unique name, which is very eye-catching, as well as giving it a potentially deeper meaning.

Foreword/Description [14/20]
First off, I really, really like that trailer you have there. Props to your maker for that, and you too, for picking such a good trailer maker. Although I did find that the OC's pairing is a bit more obvious now, and I'm guessing that it would be... Kris? But anyway, moving on, I think that the quote that you got from City of Ashes is remarkable. In shorter words, it. Made. Me. Feel. It is absolutely beautiful man. Applause to you for using that. The description of it was beautiful and it gave me a wave of that. Feel.

Aaannd your foreword. It was well described, but I deducted four points out of it and here's why: You do that... that space punctuation thing. I hate it. Sorry, but yes. To illustrate, you do this to your punctuation.

So I said to her : Yes , I did it . What now ?

Do you see my point? Please don't do that. I absolutely detest it when writers do that. It is punctually wrong, and I don't think that you should use puntuality in that way. You are disrespecting it, missy. But other than that, I think your foreword is amazeballs. Just another thing to clear up the punctuation prob, the comma shouldn't be in this sentence:

                                                                                                    ^ That comma.

It's merely a misplaced comma, it belongs on the word before so that your sentence will make much more sense. So it should look like this:

She's got no choice but to return to where she belongs, the demons' world.

As you can see, I've underlined all of tha points to improve on-- in this sentence alone-- according to punctuation/grammar mistakes. I really do hope you apply the points that I've mentioned so far, and to be honest, there's gonna be a few more. I also sense that you have a bit of trouble with tenses, but have no fear, the donut is here (OHMYGAHD I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT), in the Spelling/Grammar section, I'll give you a few tips that could help you with the use of tenses in your future stories.

And also, I don't know if you've noticed, but there's a photo in your foreword that can't be seen anymore. It's one of those increased bandwidth problems on photobucket. It is just nassttyyy when you have those things because it is not a nice thing to see in the foreword. But yeah, just clear that up, and it'll be a-okay :)

So to finish this section up, I've noticed that you have not used a character chart, and bro, I am proud of you. Because to may people, using/making character charts can be so much fun, but they normally don't follow up on it. Having said that, I am a HUGE believer in not using character charts(although I do use them myself ahahaha), so I commend you on that aspect. Also, I see that you have credited the shops at the bottom of your page, so good job on that! :D

Oh and before I forget, I absolutely love love love that quote that you used: both in your poster and trailer, which is 'memento mori'. Beautiful. I can tell that you did quite a bit of research on this story, because it wasn't until earlier this year that I learned the meaning of that quote. But for those that don't know, it essentially means keeping in mind that you could die at any time-- the inevetability of death.

Appearance [5/5]
I don't know if I have to remind, but I can't see backgrounds or layouts or any of that sort, SOOO, I only comment on poster.

As far as your poster goes, I think it's pretty great, but just a thing that might not even matter is that the quote "Memento Mori" is at the bottom, in a certain colour that blends in with the background. Which means that it's a bit unreadable and not as eye-catching as the title and the angel at the back. But props to your choice and the maker because for the most part, it works fine and the feel of it says Angst. I also like how it shows dat angel. Yes, it relates quite well to your story, considering that she's a halfie. ;D

Spelling/Grammar [5/15]
Okay, I am questioning myself right now, but may I just ask, is English really your first language? Because it seems to me as if you're having quite a bit of trouble. Especially with your tenses. Okay, you don't really have to answer my question, but it's something that I asked out of impulsive curiosity.

First things first, if there are too many spelling/grammar mistakes, I don't correct them. And it was the case with yours. There was just too many grammar mistakes, and I was not that happy. I also see your two major problems in this category, which is: Tense and punctuation. I've already touched on the punctuation problem, and I recommend that you study study study that point. Study it over the internet or even observe how good authours use that medium. Because I can tell that for the most part, you know where to put it, but you just put that goddamn space there. (P.S. Don't observe my weird spelling of colour, authour, flavour etc.-- I'm Australian lol.)

But putting that aside, I did say that I would give you some tips as regards to the correct use of tense. You do know what tenses are, right? Goodness, Nicole of course she does. Uggghhh. But yeah, I notice that you have some trouble with past-tense, and present-tense mostly. I'll give you a tip, and it would be to recheck what you have written, and keep in mind the tense shifts. If you see something off, change it. Study the different tenses and where they should belong.

Another thing that I saw you have a problem with were plurals. I think they might just be typos but I recommend that you proofread you chapters, Mmmkay?

BUT. I did notice something remarkable. Starting from chapter 19 onwards, you punctuation, tense, spelling and drescription improved. I started to enjoy your writing style from there on in, so good job with that. I was just about to point out about how you didn't really describe emotions and reasons for actions, but those were in the first few chapters. I'll elaborate a bit more on that on Characterization point.

And also, one more thing that I noticed. When you write in another language, such as the one that you use in this story, which is Latin, you should always translate it for them, because not all readers are like me, ya know, Latin fanatic. Because I must say, those quote that you used at the end of chapter 21, which is: nunc scio quit sit armor. I learned it last year in Latin, and is it an awesome saying. Applause to you for using that. For those who don't know what it means, it means: "Now I know what love is."

Plot [14/15]
Your story is. Awesome. I loved the whole concept and the theme of it, but the reason I deducted one point out is because of your language issues, as I had mentioned before. In your first chapters, there was a bit of explanation that I kind of didn't understand, but that is a minor issue I think.

Also, another thing is that in the first 10 or so chapters, you have inconsistent font and size. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw that it had cleared up instantly by around chapter 17 or 18, but I wish that you would just go from the first chapter, and start editing everything and making it better. Because your story is amazeballs, it's just that now that I see your improvement in writing, I think that you should apply that to the very first chapter of your story, because the first chapter is, obviously, the very first chapter that people will read, and it has to make an impact.

But, besides from that, which isn't really a part of the plot, I think it was awesome. Taking language aside and actually just focusing on your plot alone, it's something that we call Heartbeat plot. (Our English teacher is hilarious, he makes up names for everything lol.) But yeah, the reason it was given that name is you have that kind of plot that resembles a heartbeat monitor. For example, when you're not doing any strenous exercise, such as, just sitting down, then your heartbeat is calm, paced evenly and beating at the right speed. Now, if you start running, if you feel nervous, if you've been surprised, your heartbeat accelerates, and gets faster until you calm calm down again.

That is a Heartbeat plot. It's the same with your story in particular, where there's a certain calm, then it slowly builds up tension and excitement and then it starts beating faster and more adrenaline pumps in, then comes the , where either everything (in the storyline) is made worse, or a solution has been found. Your story has that kind of pacing and it is absolutely amazeballs.

But I also noticed that right from the very beginning of the story, she's already living with twelve dudes. And it wasn't until chapter 15-ish that she started questioning her old/current lifestyle. What you should keep in mind, is that the readers-- ever since the first chapter-- have already asked those questions. I can tell that you're going to or have already answered them, but it still isn't clear. I can also see that your plot kinda revolved around those seven trumpets. It is quite unclear to me as to what those trumpets are and I hope that you will, at some point, explain to your readers why and what they're there for, because they seem really really important to the characters of your story.

I have also noticed that you actually change POV's, but only with two people-- which is good. It's been quite a while since I've seen POV shifters, and I normally see them in anime/manga fanfic writers, so I'm guessing that you might also have some experience in that :D. Although, I am not quite so sure if I like that technique, but since I sense that it is incorporated into your writing style, I will let you off.

Your plot is pretty unique for me, because at first, I thought that your story would mainly consist of umm, Biblical(?) characters with a twist of Greek/Latin mythology, but it turns out, you've also incorporated Werewolves, Vampires, Faeries, Warlocks, Ogres etc., and also your awesome plot twists made it totally off the charts. It is a one of a kind story, and I enjoyed it thoroughly :)
 

Characterization [17/20]

Okay, just-- WHY THE HELL DOES LANA NOT FIND ANY OF THIS COOL? LIKE SERIOUSLY, I WOULD GIVE EVERYTHING TO SEE SOME FAIRY AND STARDUST AND WOLVERINE AND TEAM EDWARD! WWHHYYYYY??? I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A. ING. ANGEL. AS MY DADDY.

Ahem. Anyway, rabid feels aside, your main character, to me, is quite confusing. Since you didn't provide a character chart, we had to see how her character unfolds, yet right at the very start, she did some rash actions that us readers simply had no basis or reasoning for, and you hadn't really explained why she acted that way, especially when she met the queen, I can sense that she has some sort of rebellious tendencies, and the whole cause of it could really be because she wasn't raised by her parents. But at the first few chapters, she seemed like a total to me. She's not the one for sudden changes, I presume, and she doesn't like being told what she's supposed to believe. I also  notice that she has an English name. Which is remarkable, really. It's not often that we see those things in Korean fanfics, so applause for that.

Now, your other main character, which is Kris. I'm just asking, do all of Exo in your story come from Illinois? Because I now I know that Suho is Donovan's kid, of course he doesn't come from Illinois. Right? BUT. ANWAY, Kris is what we call (again lol) a strong character. Or a solid character. It means that Kris is a character that shows little to no character development throughout the whole story. Right from the very beginning, he was a vain, self-absorbed person, but with a super soft spot for Lana. He started to have some well-roundedness when he showed his realistic and balanced view on life somwhere in the middle of the story, where he realized that it would be for the best of the rest of his friends if he let Xiumin go.

Well, as far as main characters go, I reckon that those two are the super main characters, yet I think that even your side characters have a really distinct character. Suho is the mother hen, Tao is the crybaby, the three jokers, Micheal the Archangel who is a grand but somewhat fatherly guy and so forth. Good job on that.

Flow [10/10]
For the most part, I think I already touched on the way your story flows in the plot category. As I said, you have a Heartbeat plot, as to where the flow of your story is dynamic, where it gets exciting right before the of your story.

AND OHMYGAHD DUDE, DO YOU KNOW HOW I MUCH I FEEL WHEN XIUMIN SACRIFICED HIMSELF?? And I also take note of how you use some inside references, like OTP/pairing references and that Let it Go on chapter 15.

But yeah, your plot flow seemed quite fine, and I saw some time progression, as to how in the chapters 20-25 it's already winter and such.

Overall Enjoyment/Reviewer's Note [5/5]
I actually enjoyed it a bunch. I just had some difficulty reading the first few chapters because I am an avid grammar nazi, so it took me some getting used to. But I never thought that I would enjoy it this much. I am a fan, and I hope you the very best for your story in the future.

I know that I wrote down quite a lot for your review, but that's because I thoroughly enjoyed it to motivate me to finish up this review. Just reminding you that in your first few chapters, your font and size were uneven, so that's just a minor thing that I would like you to clear up ^_^

Grand Total [72/100]

Reviewed by: AwesomeDonut ❆ ❄ ❅

Well, I hope you're not too offended. Remember, upvoting is not a must, but very much appreciated, so if you were satisfied with the feedback, please do so no pressure :D
And remember, these are suggestions for your improvement.
I hope you go far and wide with your writing my donut. Good luck :)