Title [5/10]
My Love, Babysitter

To start off, I think your title is quite eye-catching. It made me raise a brow the first time I read your title. I don't think that there's a lot of stories out there quite like this one-- a handful, but not as many-- and I think this was quite a unique title. But there are a few things I would like to point out with your title. First, you need a space in between the comma and the word, 'babysitter'. And also, I'm not quite sure if it's grammatically correct. I'm leaning more on the incorrect side of the grammar spectrum so I would suggest that you change your title-- not a huge change, just a little tweak haha-- to: 'My Love, My Babysitter.'
That way, I reckon it looks right, and appealing.

I also like how your title is quite relatable to your story, but there's a teensy weensy bit of a problem about it.

It's predictable. Right from the bat, I knew it would be about a younger girl falling in love with an older guy. Titles can be both a blessing and a curse, because when choosing a title, you have to come up with something that relates to your story yet at the same time, it has to keep the mystery of the story-- just from that one sentence.

All in all, I think your title is quite good-- it ticks some of my boxes, but please just remember to fix the grammar of your title. I think your title is eye-catching, and it leads the reader to seeing a unique plotline.

Foreword/Description [9/20]

So, first of all, the first thing I would see when I look at your story(without clicking it) is that quote that you have.

"What On Earth will happen when a 5 year old becomes  a 17 year old girl?"

I like it. Just from that one sentence, you can win someone over into clicking your story. The quote is really interesting because from that one sentence, I can just see an absolutely fabulously chaotic, dramatic story. Only a few things though-- the capital on the 'What' is right, but the first letters on the words 'On' and 'Earth' (Highlighted in orange and red) does not have to be in capital. And 2.) there is a big gap between the words 'becomes' and 'a'(Highlighted in yellow and green). Please take that extra space away :)

There are a lot of things I would like to point out concerning your spelling, punctuation and grammar, but I'll save that for the Spelling/Grammar section. But anyway, I think the fact that the older sister is her competition is really, really interesting, but I reckon that you shouldn't mention it right away from the description, if possible, because it will just add more to the drama. But that's just a minor thing, because I guess that in a way, what you've set up there is a quick overview of what's already happened, and sometimes, that in itself could be a good thing so that people won't be too confused when the story delves in.

I also thinks it's quite... cute? Ahaha that you used a toothfairy and a fairy for the kid to grant her wishes, because it just seems really childish and innocent.

All in all, I was actually quite interested. Since I don't normally search these kinds of stories out, I haven't encountered much stories like these before, although you did mention that you got the idea from a Malaysian film. You're lucky I don't know that film. Now, for the foreword, I just have to say, the models you've used as your characters are like, my all-time favourite ulzzangs. Anyway, my critique for your foreword and character charts is that, just like your title, it is a little too... predictable. When introducing your characters, make sure you only describe their character personality, not necessarily their character history/background because that could give away a lot.

But yes, to wrap this sectioin up, I think you started it off quite fine, not taking your language problems in the equation, I think your description/foreword is acceptable. It's also a good thing that you let your readers know that your story is based off a movie that you watched, because that's always a safe thing to do :) Good job.

Appearance [3/5]

If you don't already know, I am unable to see the background(if you have any) or any of your font. So I apologize on that ahaha. But anyway, your poster. I think it's a really nice, fluffy poster that suits your story. It's light and the colours are pastel-- colours that a child would like. I think it fits your story like a glove. The only thing is that, your quote has a grammatical error in it. Your quote is: 'I hope you see me as a lady not little girl'

I will highlight the two things you need to change: 'I hope you see me as a lady, not a little girl'

Okay so that's for your poster, which is only a minor thing that you have to ask your graphic designer to tweak. The other thing I would also point out is that for your character charts, your photos are a little too big. I would recommend just sizing them down a little so that they wouldn't overpower the paragraph underneath, and so that it would balance out the whole page right there, so that all of the photos would be the same size. It would look much nicer.

But all in all, the layout of your description/foreword is acceptable and fine, having the description first, character charts second, credits at the bottom along with your authour's note. Well done :)

Spelling/Grammar [6/15]

Okay, may I just say, that I have encountered a lot of Malaysians in my past reviews? Ahaha, don't worry, I'll take that into account. I know that most of the time, you guys would write more Malaysian fics than English, so second language problems will be taken into account.

So. First off, your punctuation. I see that you have a habit of not putting a space after your full stop, or your period Not your monthly period, but you know what I mean. I'm not sure if it's due to the device you're using or just because you haven't got the hang of it yet but, nonetheless, it needs to be fixed. But it's a good thing that you do capitalize your letters after a full stop, I'll commend you for that minor detail :) I've also noticed that you have short chapters(which is fine) and wide spaces between paragraphs(or is it just me?), my computer might not be picking up formats and , but if it's possible, just tone the spaces down a tad bit :)

I won't correct you on grammatical/spelling errors for each and every one of your chapters because frankly, there is just too much. But for the punctuation part, I think you'd know what to do. Just add the extra spaces here and there and the whole page of your story will look a bit more presentable :) I also notice that with your grammar, you tend to forget to add in conjunctions. You do a great job of joining sentences together, but you tend to forget to put certain essential conjunctions, adverbs or prepositions even, such as: as, be, is and so forth.

I know that the long words I just wrote might seem like a whole lot of blah on the page but I guess what I'm trying to say is this: I would love for you to study more of the English language. Given, English is a freakin hard language that doesn't really need to exist is really, really confusing, but the best we can do is at least try to help ourselves learn more about it, so that our readers can understand what we're trying to convey, therefore, enjoy what we have written, especially for our reader.

But all in all, I found less mistakes with your spelling, and I guess your story made enough sense, but as I said, if you either translate this into Malaysian or perhaps learn English a bit better, I can see the great potential this story has. There were a lot of sense that wasn't quite put together, but as a whole, the concept that you have just managed to write out can be enough for some :) It's a great try for someone who's second language is English so I would commend you on a job well done :)

Plot [8/15]

So, before I actually delved into your story, there were a few things that I thought about when you said from the intro that she would turn into a teenager overnight. The things was, about her mentality. I would probably reserve more thoughts in the characterization category but the first thing I thought of was that if you could pull through. But anway, the whole concept of your story, to be honest, I think I know the reason why I myself haven't searched out stories like this one. To be honest, it irks me a bit. I don't really approve of the idea of... your younger counterpart getting in between two older people who are more than ten years older than her. But that's just my opinion.

Okay, nah but honestly, I will never look at babysitting the same way again lol. Well, for starters, I like the humour you managed to incorporate into your story, it's really nice and I like how you often remembered to keep Bora innocent in most occasion. But there were a few things that I found. You say that in your story, that Kai isn't a kingka. Well, I know this is very minor so you can kick me in the balls for groaning over this P.S I don't have balls I went along and did the favour of going on the Urban Dictionary, and it said that a Kingka is someone who is very popular, cool, good-looking and possibly even smart. I reckon Kai(in your story) ticks all of those boxes, so I don't see why he wasn't one. I'm taking into account that the school is possibly very perstigious and isn't as rich as the rest but, still :)

On chapter 13, when she applied for a job, I'm sorry but I could not stop laughing. Please keep in mind that before you get the job, you normally would get interviewed first. Not hired on the spot. No smart employer would hire a person on the spot, unless the person he's hiring has been a very good recommendation, to which in this case, she doesn't even know the kid. And I noticed that it was only on chapter 14 that the reality struck her-- she won't be babied as a teenager. I expected this to happen a lot quicker though, and I expected the newsflash to be a lot more stronger, realisitically speaking. But this is fanfiction, and not much is realistic so...

BUT ANYWAY, about your plot. To be honest, the first time Jackson coincidentally showed up at a place got me going. Then after every chapter or so, he started turning up more and more frequently in a 'co-incidental' manner. It just kinda... got old. I suggest that you add in another character or just all in all more spice into it, a bit more drama, because I've just noticed that it wasn't until chapter 18 (the last chapter I've read) that the drama actually began intesifying. And also may I just say... you plot is a little too... cliche. Honestly, I could tell what would happen the moment after. But I hope that you have a mind-blowing plot twist in store, or alternatively, I hope that this will also be a lesson-teaching story. Please make it as enjoyable to read as you possibly can, but also make it something that people can draw something out of, because that's how I see the potential of it.

P.S. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING, I WAS THINKING LIKE, MAYBE WHAT IF, IN THE END, EVEN IF IT'S NOT THE ACTUAL ENDING, JUST TO PRANK YOUR READERS, YOU TELL THEM THAT KAI ENDS UP WITH TAEYON??? OH HAVE I SAID TOO MUCH. Imma go now.

Characterization [6/20]

Okay so first character up has to be your main character first, which is Park Bora, who was a five-year-old who turned into a seventeen-year-old overnight. I like how you portrayed her childishness and her naivety as the story progressed, but to be realistic, right off the bat, I could see a thousand ways that this could go wrong. Since you're basing this off a movie, I guess it wouldn't be that hard, then. But I was wondering if you would take into account the different factors that there are in this type of concept. First would be her mentality when she turned seventeen. She would have the mentality of a five-year-old. And you mentioned that she went to high school. And over here, when you're seventeen, you study trig and advanced algebra and all that , and she won't know a single thing. Surely, that must be suspicious, right? She could probably pass as a special student. But anyway, I reckon that for a five-year-old, she thinks way too much and too deep for someone of her age. Okay, no, I just wish that her fairy godGongchan will also bestow upon her the wisdom of a seventeen year old and . I also sense that Bora is quite a brat, and that could be a given fact since Bora was raised in quite a wealthy household. But nonetheless, I think her feelings of jealousy and rage are much too prevalant for a girl of five years. Anway, I would like to rant about more, but I think this huge paragraph is more than enough to convey what's in my head. You honestly made me laugh at those ual jokes that she wasn't aware she was telling Jackson. Oh you almost made me cry. Good job.

So, next character, her sister, Sora. Can I just say something?

Sora. Is. A. . This is a good reaction from me by the way, because you've written the protagonist well enough that you've made the reader hate her. But there's just one problem. She's too... two-dimensional. Sure, you've made us hate her, good job. Now, make us understand her. Make us understand why she acts that way. Why she wants so much attention. Was it the way she was raised? Were her parents not as attentive to her? Is she secretly insecure? Please give more depth-- especially to you main characters, give them reasons as to why they act in such a way. But one thing, in chapter 15, when she met the seventeen year old Bora, why didn't she react like, hey, you've got the same name as my sister!! Yehet. Lezbefriendsforeverand. There are quite a number of questions that I would like to bring up, such as, why is she so cold to her sister? Even if they do hate each other eventually, there still has to be some sort of affection there due to family ties-- blood ties.

But to sum Sora up, yeah she was pretty two-dimensional, I recommend that you give a bit more depth as the story goes on, because I sense that it's only just started, so feel free to take your time. P.S, I have a character in my story named Sora too and to be honest, she reminds me of her ahaha.

Moving on, Kai. To me, he is one of your most realistic character in this story by far. So, good job on that. But there is just one thing. One tiny thing. Chapter 17, when he was giving the backstory of his sister. Did he just... relate that to her while smiling? Yeesh. One of the things that I don't ever approve of, is relating death with a straight face, or worse, relating death with a smile. It's just... no. It would be understandable if the fellow was a sick dude, but in this case, he's not. So I would recommend you change that. Sorry, but you lose brownie points for this one.

But honestly, Kai has a pretty unpredictable personality. He's quite a softie, might I add. He sobs over a five-year-old when she leaves, and another thing that made me laugh was in chapter 3. When he blushed when Bora compared him to a Barbie character. LIKE OH MY GOODNESS WHY WOULD YOU BLUSH WHEN A FIVE YEAR OLD COMPARES YOU TO BARBIE. Haha. I am actually, very well-versed in the Barbie world, so expect me to correct you on a few things soon.

Flow [8/10]

Your flow was actually kind of nice actually. While reading it, I thought it was rather slow, but now that I step back and take a look at it, it was rather pleasant. You took the time to put a little effort in the first few chapters to give a little background on how strongly the little kid feels for Kai and how desparate her older sister is, before turning into a teenager. I commend you for that. I've seen a number of authours dive into their main concept without giving a little background depth to their overall story, and it just messes up the whole balance of it, but with yours it was nice.

I'm happy with it :) I just think that, this story would be a whole lot nicer if your language section was strong, but we'll take that into account. I think you have the makings of a great story :)

Overall Enjoyment/Reviewer's Note [2/5]

Please let me take this time and section to educate you on Barbie. Please.

Namely, Barbie in the Dreamhouse.

1.) Barbie's 'Prince' or boyfriend is Ken, to which Bora would refer to as Kai.
2.) The other dude that is trying to win Barbie's heart and is very arrogant, egotistical, vain and all in all just your Jackson character is called Ryan.
And 3.) Surprise, surprise, Ryan has a girl twin! Which in your story, is Seolhyun, who is a sorta friend but not to Barbie, makeing her a frenemy, and her name is Raquelle. She is a total I tell you.

How do I know all this?

Please don't ask.

Shhhhh.
 

Grand Total [47/100]

Please don't be disappointed by the low score :) I gave you my honest opinion and I hope you take on board my suggestions. Your story was actually quite nice and refreshing to read, but as mentioned, it's the language barrier that's preventing it to becoming that great story.

But I commend your effort!! Keep up with the good work!! Fighting!

--From Nicole, AwesomeDonut. <3

Reviewed by: AwesomeDonut ❆ ❄ ❅

Well, I hope you're not too offended. Remember, upvoting is not a must, but very much appreciated, so if you were satisfied with the feedback, please do so no pressure :D
And remember, these are suggestions for your improvement.
I hope you go far and wide with your writing my donut. Good luck :)