I was home with Manager Ahjushi when it happened. I remember manager ahjushi getting up smoothly to answer a phone call but then got stiffer than a wall. And paler like one too. I was scribbling up some math equations when it happened, and since I liked my homework to be perfect, I ignored the commotion that had now moved to the kitchen, where manager hyung kept screaming into the phone. I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about, but it sounded serious.

I only got up from my spot on the living room table when he came towards me again, hands shaking when he placed them on my shoulders, lips pressed into a tight and also trembling line. I felt my heart pump the blood violently in a matter of seconds. Kyungsoo came to my mind.

“They got into an accident in China…”

I broke down. Crying and in panic, I crawled to the nearest phone and pressed keys sloppily. Kyungsoo wasn’t picking up, so I cried harder. Manager Ahjushi kept telling me they were already in the hospital, but for him to be shaking so damn much, he couldn’t possibly know yet their condition. I had studied China. Cars were just as much as people so of course accidents happened. But I thought EXO would be safe because they were EXO. I thought their van would be secure by the police during the trip. I thought they would take care of my family.

But now, they were in a hospital, three hours or more away from my reach, and I felt hopeless.

I called Mama but the one that picked up was Papa. He told me to breathe calmly and that Mama was already on her way here. He stayed behind to answer the phone if someone called. I talked to him over the phone for over 20 minutes, with him just saying Kyungsoo was strong and that he would never abandon me, not like this. And I kept telling him that I should have told Kyungso I loved him a lot more, I should have let him hug the life out of me when he left, instead of pushing him back, complaining about the lack of oxygen; I should have let him kiss my cheeks, fix my clothes and style my hair instead of whining and complaining about how I was a grown up girl already.

Now that I look back at it, it was the most terrifying moment ever in my life so far. The thought of losing Kyungsoo made me go insane. I couldn’t do it. Even though he was over protective, nagged me to death, never let me leave the house alone and never let me go to school, he was the best father figure I could ever ask for. He was the only person I truly knew how to love with my whole being. I wanted to see if he was okay, check his safeness in the hospital, but the mere thought of not being able to do any of those, made me break down multiple times for the week EXO was in the hospital.

By the end of the week, Manager Ahjushi told me, in a conversation that required me to be sitting down and holding his hands, that Sehun, Chanyeol, Yixing and Luhan had come out of the accident more or less uninjured and that they were on their way back to take care of me.

I asked him about the others, but he just shook his head, smiling sadly at me.

It was only 2 weeks later that we sat in the exact same position, but this time, with the other four boys beside me, eager to hear about the others. Manager Ahjushi informed us that JongIn, Baekhyun, Kris and Minseok were discharged off the hospital and that they were also coming back today. I cried. Kyungsoo was still not on the list of safe people.

A week went by and everyone was gloomy. I was depressed. A 12 years old was depressed. And my depression was bad. I had constant nightmares whenever I tried to sleep. I also dreamt awake and in those “lucid” dreams, I also had nightmares. I needed Kyungsoo, and I needed him desperately. Chanyeol tried all he could to cheer me up only a little bit, but needless to say, it didn’t work at all.

Mama slept with me every night, caressing my hair until I fell asleep, singing her own version of the songs Kyungsoo sang me.

2 days later we were back in the living room to the last report. Manager Ahjushi was now facing Mama as he spoke, sometimes glancing at the others, but never at me, had I noticed.

Zitao suffered a concussion and several broken ribs. Joonmyun’s back had suffered some painful twists and turns, and he was unable to move for weeks, but he was now on his way to recovering smoothly. Jongdae had an internal bleeding but was now on full rest, and recovering well. Kyungsoo’s condition was stable; he had some broken bones and a lot of bruises. He was induced in a coma for a whole week because of the pain. But he was now also recovering alongside the others.

The room suddenly felt lighter.

3 weeks passed and everyone was running back and forth, hanging WELCOME HOME signs with colorful patterns and big letters; Mama was in charge of cooking some baked goodies and snacks for the working EXO members; Manager Ahjushi was impatiently helping with anything that was needed, but always keeping an eye on the time so he could go pick up the four members from the airport. And I…. I was just laying belly down on Kyungsoo’s bed, holding my tears in tight. I was scared of what I was going to see.

A weak, thin and pale Kyungsoo is a wheelchair? Barely able to hug me, let alone hug the life out of me. Barely able to talk and tell me he’s back safe and sound. Barely able to have enough energy to let me tell him how much I love him. I was scared. Scared behond belief. I had been waiting for the moment he would come home, and I thought the news of his return would put an end to my nightmares and depression. But the old fears gave away to new ones.

A few hours into the afternoon and the front door opened almost shyly, and everyone broke out into tears, screams of joy and excited jumps. To my surprise and absolute relief, Kyungsoo was standing in his own two feet, with his right arm in a cast but otherwise, he looked fine. He smiled impossibly wide when his eyes met mine and in just that, I broke down crying and ran into his awaiting arms, hugging his neck like he would die if I let go. He also cried into my shoulder silently and in that long amount of time, no one bothered us. They hadn’t welcomed Kyungsoo back, but they knew that now wasn’t the time.

I needed this to be myself again. I needed Kyungsoo like this forever.