Without Kyungsoo knowing, I went to visit my mother’s grave. It was a chilly autumn day and the sidewalk was full of brownish leafs. I had never been to a cemetery before in my life, but it didn't look that bad.

I was snuggled in a big red scarf alongside a wool beany that I had gotten from my boyfriend in my birthday as a gift. And I was sincerely grateful for them because as I climbed the uneven stairs up the hill, the wind got stronger and stronger. I reached the top of the hill fairly quickly, despite the weather fighting me back.

My mother’s parents had decided to bury her in the top of a hill for emotional purposes. Her grandparents were there, Kyungsoo had told me, so her parents believed that that way, she wouldn’t feel lonely.

Her tombstone was in front of a very old tree, its roots around the stone and even on top of it. My mother had been here for 18 years, after all. It was plenty of time for nature to take over. But in my opinion, that just made her grave look even more put together.

I crouched in front of the stone ebbed with her name and placed the bouquet of white roses in front of it. They were my favorite, so I liked to assume that my favorite flower used to be hers too. It made me feel closer to her, in a way.

I unwrapped the scarf from my neck and sat in front of the flowers and stone. I was glad no one was around. I wanted to have a personal talk with my mother without being disturbed.

“Hello, mother… We meet at last.” My smile was bitter, although I really didn’t feel bitter at all. “I’m sorry for not coming as soon as I knew. But I was scared, you know? Can you imagine how I felt when I found out? I was in no condition to face you… or Kyungsoo.”

The strong breeze hit me in the back of the head, making me shiver. But I felt like she was talking to me, so I didn’t mind it at all.

“The story Kyungsoo told me sounded totally out of a novel, mom. He can be so dramatic at times… You would agree with me if you were there” I chuckled to myself, thinking back to the talk with the only parent figure I had had since forever.

“Actually, mom, it was my fault. I lived with Kyungsoo all these years and yet, I never bothered to question why he wasn’t my father and why didn’t I have a mother. I let him off the hook too easily, and when he dropped the bomb on me, I suddenly realized that I was an ordinary human being. A human being that needed a mom and a dad to exist. And Kyungsoo was neither a mom or a dad.”

 I laughed to myself, fully aware that I was alone at the moment and that I could let my emotions show, but somehow, still self-conscious about the presence of my mother.

“You two were really close, right? I am really close with him too, mom. Do we have that in common? He doesn’t really want to talk about you, so I don’t know much. But I do know he loved you dearly…” I gazed at the stone sadly, thinking of how Kyungsoo never tried to find happiness with another person ever since she left him.

“He told me all about how I was born, though. He told me you slept with the other guy that always hanged out with Kyungsoo and you, and that you ended up pregnant with me. He also told me of how the guy left you two with me in your tummy as soon as he knew. I can’t even bring myself to call him dad, mom. So I can only imagine how hurt you were…

But Kyungsoo stayed with you, didn’t he? Is that why you entrusted me to him when you were in your death bed? Were you aware that your life and mine was in danger and that only one of us could make it? You knew you were choosing me instead of yourself, didn’t you, mom?

Kyungsoo was so hurt… He never got over you… Even with you gone forever, he never tried to get over you either. I feel guilty, mom. Maybe he didn’t move on because he had me, and I reminded him of you. Is it my fault? He was only 19, and he had already lived a life. His loved one was pregnant with his friend’s baby; His loved one died giving birth to their baby; Their baby was now in his care legally. Weren’t you a bit selfish?

He was young and in love. He raised me like no one ever would and I am so happy for that. But I can’t help but to think that deep down, he had no other choice. Did he even love me in the beginning? Does he love me now?”

My phone rang loudly in my pocket, making me yelp in surprise. I glanced at the stone before taking my phone out of my pocket. It was Kyungsoo asking me where I was. What a timing he had. I smiled gently before ignoring the text and turning back to my mother’s tombstone.

“No, actually, I know he loves me now. I’m still not sure if he wanted to keep me wholeheartedly, and I will never have the courage to ask him. But I want to believe he did. I want to believe he really saw me as his daughter, and not that guy’s.”

I smiled widely as I felt my phone went off again, but this time, Kyungsoo was calling me. I didn’t pick up.

“I’m sorry for making you choose between saving me or yourself, and this might be a little late to say but… I love you, mom. Thank you for choosing me. I promise I’ll make you and Kyungsoo proud.”

My phone went quiet for a few seconds before it started ringing full force once again. I slowly got off the ground and patted the dirt away from my coat, smiling at the tombstone with my mother’s name ebbed in it before muttering a ‘goodbye’ and walking off.

As I was making my way down the stairs of the hill, I took my phone out just as he was ringing for the third time. I smiled as Kyungsoo’s name flashed on the screen again. I took a deep breath before answering the call.

“Yah, where are you and why weren’t you picking up your phone!? You have any idea how worried I was?”

“I’m so sorry, Kyungsoo! My phone was on silent since I was at the library! I’ll be home soon, rest assured.”

After a quick goodbye, I put my phone away, smiling happily to myself. Talking to her was once of the best decisions I ever made, and I felt like I had all my feelings figured out now. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

And as I walked away, I never looked back once.