A single flower was gripped tightly in Onew's fist, tears running down his face, blurring his vision. Jonghyun was on the ground, head in his hands. The scene was the same as it had been for four years, but looking in, one would assume that they were new mourners, that this wasn't a twice year routine.

Once for his birthday.

Once for his the day he died.

Onew caressed the small photo of a smiling Kibum with his thumb, sobs tearing through his chest. A range of emotions overcame him- sadness, pain, heartbreak, and most of all guilt. Every time he looked into Kibum's eyes, he was reminded of what he should've done, what he didn't do. The scene from years ago replayed in his mind as new tears began to form. He tore his eyes away from the photograph, unable to look at the face of he person he destroyed any longer.

It's not fair! He wanted to scream, biting on his lip to keep for doing just that. It should have been me...

Shaking off the useless thoughts-because that's what they were, useless, no amount of wishing would bring Kibum back- Onew once again let his eyes fall on the framed photo.

"Hi Bummie." Onew said shakily. "It's- it's me. Your dubu. I- I brought you a rose." Onew set it beside the picture. "I'm sorry I forgot Bummie. I know sorry can't make up for anything, but I am, and I only wish you could be here now." 

Onew paused, taking in a deep breath. Now that he was calmer, he could begin what had become a tradition every time he came her: telling Kibum how his life had been, because he knew how much Kibum hated being left out of something.

"Business is doing well. It's still mostly ahjummas and ahjussis, but it's not bad. Jonghyun is still an idiot, but he's gotten really famous, and right now he's even getting ready for a show that will help showcase some talented dancers. They're not as good as you, of course, you were the best, but they aren't bad." 

Onew stared intensely at the photo, and Kibum's soft smile gave Onew the courage to say what he had to. He couldn't keep Kibum in the dark about this, even if he was just talking to a picture.

"I met a boy recently. His name is Taemin." Onew began. "You- you would have liked him Bummie. He's really sweet, and a dancer like you. You would have adored him, and probably spoiled him too. You were always so motherly... And he's like a little kid." 

"But I'm scared Bummie. I promised I would never let you go. I swore my heart would never belong to anyone else. I love you Bummie, but I'm so confused right now, and I don't know what to do. You're right, I am a pabo. Such a pabo..." Onew trailed off, unable to continue, and slid to the floor beside Jonghyun, sobs wracking his body. Jonghyun stared at his hyung, he hadn't seen him this torn up since the first time they came. 

Taemin had changed him, more than Jonghyun had ever realized. Sure, he'd noticed the fleeting looks, the light touches, but he'd thought it was a passing thing. That Taemin was just someone that could finally open Onew up and be his friend. 

Jonghyun knew now, that 'friends' was no longer the right word for their relationship, if it ever had been. 

Guilt filled him for how he had reacted over the phone, and Jonghyun wrapped one arm around Onew, pulling him closer. 

"It's okay hyung, it's okay."

 Onew shook his head. "It's not okay. None of this is. I shouldn't be feeling this way towards someone else, it's not fair to him. He lost his life because of me, I can't betray him like this. I love Kibum-" 

"No hyung." Jonghyun cut him off, shaking his head. "You loved Kibum. You may never forget Kibum, and I would kill you if you did, but your heart belongs to someone else now."

"I can't, I can't do this to him..."

"Kibum would want you to be happy. In fact, he's probably watching us right now, wishing he could slap you for being so stupid."

Onew let out a choked laugh. "You really think that?"

"Think with your heart, not with your brain. I know that scares you more than anything else, but please, for your sake, for Taemin's, and for Kibum- stop living in the past, and make the best for the present."

"I don't know Jonghyun." Tears were still dripping down his face, eyes bloodshot and face red.

"It's your decision hyung. I just hope you make the right one. Now let's go, I need a drink."

 

It was dangerous being out alone, especially at night, especially with his parents searching the city for him. Yes, it was dangerous, but Taemin couldn't find it in himself to feel scared.

In fact, Taemin couldn't feel anything at all. He was numb, dead to the world, mind focused solely on replaying the scene from earlier in the day. 

What had happened? One moment they had been perfectly happy, the next moment Taemin was being kicked out.

One thing was for sure. Whatever Onew had been told must have been pretty severe, Taemin thought. He had never seen the elder so upset. Taemin worried what would become of their relationship now. They had finally started getting really close, completely comfortable with each other (save for when Taemim saw Onew in a towel), but then this happened. 

He knew Onew well enough to know the elder wouldn't stay mad, it wasn't in his nature. Taemin once watched Onew insult a table after he stubbed his toe on it, and then immediately apologize to it. 

No, he wasn't worried that Onew wouldn't get over being angry at Taemin. He was worried that things would never quite be the same, that this arguement- was it even that?- would strain their friendship. 

Then there was the question of why Onew got so angry in the first place. He looked horrified when talking on the phone, and Taemin had no idea if it was his presence that upset Onew, or if it actually had to do with Taemin. Taemin was terrified that he had somehow done something to anger the elder, and was racking his mind for what he could have done. 

His phone chimed, breaking through his deep thoughts, and he hastily pulled it from his pocket, hope filling him.

 

From: Joon

Where the hell are you?

It's almost 11!

 

Taemin sighed, heart once again dropping, trying not to be disappointed that it wasn't Onew. Although really, what did he expect? He'd never seen Onew upset before, but he had a feeling Onew wasn't going to be willing to see him again, at least for the day. He debated wether he should avoid Joon's text so he wouldn't have to face Onew, but decided against it in the end. After all, he had nowhere else to go.

 

To: Joon

I'm on my way now

 

With a frown, Taemin made his way home, wondering what was in store for him when he got home. 

 

Taemin slipped through the door and took off his shoes quietly, not wanting to be noticed in case Onew was home. He heard sounds coming from the kitchen, and looked inside to find Joon in there with two pizzas and a box of chicken wings, a slice already in hand.

"Hey kid." Joon greeted. "Grab a slice, but leave the chicken. It's for Onew." Taemin nodded and walked over to grab a peice, when Joon's words stopped him.

"That reminds me. Have you seen Onew?" Joon asked, and Taemin felt his heart drop, his hand falling away from the box. 

"Is he not home?" A glance at the clock told him it was nearing 10:30 at night. Where had his hyung gone?

"No, he was gone when I got back from work. Did something happen?" 

Taemim didn't know what to answer, as he had been asking himself the same question all day. 

"I'm not sure." Taemin shrugged, trying to sound casual. Joon stared at him in shock.

"You're kidding right? You two are always together, how could you not know?" 

"I've been out all day by myself, Onew was all alone today." He lied, not wanting to explain what had really happened.

"That's strange... Ah well, I'm going to bed." Joon grabbed one whole pizza box, and pointed to the other. "That one's for you. If Onew comes home, just tell him his chicken is in the kitchen."

"Okay, thanks hyung."

"No problem. Night Taemin, see you tomorrow." 

"Night hyung." Taemin replied, grabbing his own box and going to sit on the couch. He the tv and pulled out the first slice, figuring he might as well wait for Onew since there was no way he'd be able to sleep alone. 

Maybe that fact should have scared him a little, but if anything, it only made him more confident in his love for Onew. He'd never been able to adapt so quickly for anyone. Even living with Jongin had taken quite a bit of time, but with Onew, everything felt natural. 

Now if only his hyung would feel the same way.

 

A hour later, Taemin felt his phone vibrate and pulled it out of his pocket quickly, trying not to feel too excited when he noticed it was Onew. 

"Hello?"

"Hey." And unknown voice replied. "There's two guys here who are passed out drunk at my bar. Your number was the first on the list. Can you come get them?"

"What? I think you have the wrong number." Taemin hoped he did, hoped that it wasn't what he thought.

"Lee Taemin, right?"

"Yes." Taemin said slowly.

"Then these are yours. One looks like that one singer, the other one has long dark hair. Sound familiar?"

"Yes." Taemin replied, in disbelief that this was really happening. "I'll be there in 10." Taemin hung up and ran over to Joon's room.

"Joon!" Taemin yelled, banging on the door. "Joon get up!" The door swung open suddenly, Taemin's fist falling against Joon's chest. Looking down sleepily at the younger, he said, "Yes Taebaby?"

"I got a call from the bar down the street, Onew and Jonghyun are there, both are drunk off their asses. They need a ride home." 

". It's that day isn't it?" 

"What day?" Taemin looks at him, confused. 

"I'll explain on the way, let me get some pants on, you go grab the keys, they're by the door." 

"Yes hyung." 

Taemin ran to grab his keys, feeling as if the situation from the last time they stopped talking had repeated itself. Except this time, Taemin wasn't drunk, but Onew.

Oh Onew. What's gotten into you?

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sorry if this chapter seems kind of all over the place, it was a really difficult chapter to write. It's hard to write about something you've never experienced, I knew that, but until now, I never realized it could be even more difficult writing what you do know. I had to stop multiple times while writing the part with Onew because I started crying. *Sigh*I guess I can't say I've never cried while writing a fic anymore.