Review for ‘Beyond Everything’ by Ayaaachan

Review by ScreamingMidget

Title (10/10) :

I love the title! SO MUCH. I would marry it if I could but that’s illegal where I live. I did a quick web search and CONGRATULATIONS, GULL, your title was the only relevant result! It’s definitely unique. I love how it has this transcendent vibe from the ‘Beyond’ and power from ‘Everything’. It’s such a beautiful title.

Description & Foreword (5/10) :

Okay, it’s great that you want to credit people but don’t use your foreword for it! That’s a major sacrifice. Don’t do it. Credit the poster maker/ reviewer/ layout person/ whatever else at the end of the foreword. That way, they’re there, sure, but they’re cutting into your spotlight. The first part of your description is important because people can see that before clicking on the link to your story. The second most important thing is the foreword. On AFF (in real life, the ‘foreword’ is the section where the book’s author asks a more famous writer to talk about how awesome the author is so more people will read it) it’s where we put a little more of our story in.

Don’t use the space for an author’s note. Like I said, put all of that at the end. Don’t center align because that’s going to make it take up more space. And also, use just one color. Having too many colors will make your story look less serious. Your writing is brilliant and your story does have a serious edge so don’t weaken it with your author’s note/credits.

You took the rest of the foreword to advertise other stories you wrote. It’s definitely okay to introduce one or two relevant ones (same pairing/theme) but it’s not okay to advertise all of them (or really, even more than two!) for several reasons. When you mention that it was originally supposed to be a oneshot, people are going to believe that you’re not serious about it or that you could give up on it any day now. Not a good idea! The more committed you are to something, the more other people will be. You’re definitely serious about this because you asked for a review, have a great poster, write so well, etc. but mentioning that it was supposed to have just one chapter will make it seem like it’s not well planned out. Honestly, most stories aren’t, but a lot of the readers on AFF aren’t writers so they won’t know. Just give them the allusion that you had it all planned out and don’t mention its original form, request that people be nice, or to subscribe and comment! I know that the last part is hard to believe but people can be turned off when told to subscribe and comment.

I suggest you just start anew with a fresh foreword. Include some background information or an abstract from the story. I’m glad you didn’t have any character descriptions - those are just unholy - and from the looks of it, the readers really can rely on your writing to paint a picture of the characters!

Content & Plot (18/20) :

I like it! The whole mood of it is soft, slow, and smooth. It has a slight melancholy taste and I enjoy how everything is playing out so far. I’m taking off two points because, well, the plot is not all that clear to me...but, come one, it’s only three chapters in. I hope I’m not being mean or that I’m not reading things wrong. If it’s plot was a little clearer, I think that would have given you a 20!

Characters (8/10) :

I love how you portray the characters. You used their real-life image perfectly as well. I get this sad, musky aura from TOP. I absolutely love it! I wish that you would get into their heads a little more or at least show how they’re feeling by things like ‘the twitch of his hand’ or ‘the tremble in his lips’. If you could create descriptions of moods and feelings with imagery like that, I think your writing style would be more solid!

Grammar & Spelling (6/10) :

Chapter One:

“Bom-noona’s staff send this” ➜ “Bom Noona’s staff sent this.”
“Okay, in one two three, action” ➜ “Okay, then, here we go. In one...two...three...action!”  

Well, I’m not Korean. Not even close. But, so far, I’ve always seen stuff like ‘Bom Noona’ or Jiyong Oppa instead of ‘Bom-noona’ and ‘Jiyong-oppa’. Just depends on what looks best to you, though!

And as for the second correction...that’s a suggestion as well. It would help build up some tension and engage your readers more, I believe.

Other than that, I think the only thing you really have to focus on is the tense you’re using. At some parts - like the beginning of chapter two - you use present tense and then later - like halfway through the chapter - you start using past tense. It’s not your fault and sometimes, it can get confusing since there are different participle variations for each basic tense. I struggle with it too! So, my suggestion is, go through what you’ve written at least three times after you write it. I look through my chapter all the time even while I’m writing it. By the time you’re ready to post it you should have, like, everything practically memorized.

If you start off the chapter with the tense you want to use, keep reading it over again while you’re writing, so you can remind your brain of the tense you’re supposed to be using.

This is a brilliant site that will break it down for you:

http://www.ego4u.com/en/cram-up/grammar/tenses

Like yeah, I’m sure you know most of this stuff but this way, you can refer back to it while you’re proofreading your work. Make sure that whatever you choose to write in, stays in one category!

Chapter Two

‘They stared at each other’s eyes...lost with each other...’ ➜ ‘They stared into each other’s eyes, both lost in the other.’ or ‘Their eyes met and the two men lost themselves in each other.’

I totally get what you were going for but the English language is a turd and doesn’t give great writers like you peace. I’d say go with one of those suggestions...the first one is most like the original. I got a little carried away with the second.

Organization/Flow (6/10) :

If you look at chapter 1, I think you can see where you need to work on your flow (just a tad). You start the chapter off by actually summarizing everything in a block. I think if you could reword it a little bit and be more descriptive, it would sound more like a narration and less like a summary.

For example:

He hid his face with the back of his hand. To anyone else, it appeared to be a blockade from the Korean sun. Surely, the famous and prized movie star Choi Seunghyun must have adapted too heavily to Japan and had forgotten the characteristic blare of afternoon heat in Seoul.

But, rather, he hid his face to ward off unnecessary attention. Though he was the ‘greatest actor of his generation’, he was more interested in a safe and quiet return than giving the paparazzi a field day.

Something like that. Like, instead of listing things off even in backstories, remember to include the character and make that person a part of telling his or her own story.  Another example of strict narration is the beginning of chapter three. Okay, what you’re doing - and it’s on and off so it’s a little too inconsistent - is you’re using your role as the storyteller and engaging with your audience too directly. By saying things like, ‘now he’s thinking about...’ you’re asserting your position as omniscient, sure, but it takes the privacy (omg, I hope I’m not losing you here, I don’t know how to word this so you’re going to have to be on the same page with me) away from Jiyong.

This is all a result from using present tense. ‘Now, he is sitting there and he’s starting to think...’ makes it seem like you’re a mind-reader and we’re both in the restaurant, and you’re telling me what he’s thinking. That is a rude invasion of privacy.

If you could somehow make it so that it’s all in past tense (the past tense is what most people write in and what everyone else should write in), it would more put together. And describing the person he came to meet literally as ‘the person he came to meet’ is a little off. Never use two or more words when one will do. So, just make it as short as possible.

He sat, one leg over the other, waiting for his promised companion for the dinner. There was a pink beanie clamped over his brightly colored hair...blah blah blah...couldn’t help but let his mind drift back in time to the events that had transpired that day.

Appearance (8/10) :

I love the poster. It completely suits the mood of the story. I love how the characters fade off and how you can see those different objects. The quote is brilliantly placed as well! I love the typography and everything. Your poster is to die for. I do like your background because it matches your poster. However, I think the image you used for the background is too small and thus repeats too often. If you could somehow...make the gray of it bigger or something so that the image itself is bigger while the title remains the same size, it would be less distracting for the reader. I only took two points off for that. The appearance of your story is brilliant. I love it!

Enjoyment (20/20) :

I loved your story! Of course I enjoyed it! I wish I could give you infinity for this category xD. Your writing style is awesome and I can tell you have some great ideas planned for this story! I hope this review was helpful in some way. Your story is great and it’s beyond worthy of my subscription and upvote (and I’m picky, gull) so I know other people will love it, too! Good luck!!

Total : 81/100