KIKWANG POV

He doesn't have the right. He doesn't have the right.

He doesn't have the right to, weeks into even knowing I exist, to ask me that. He doesn't get my secrets, although he's spied out some of it, the barest edge. I didn't know that he was this insensitive, this unaware of the dynamics of the world. I didn't think he was this much of an idiot, but I'm sure he'll fit right in with everyone else. 

Does he even know what personal space is? Does he know what I've gone through? Does he know what I've lived through?

Does he know how suffocating smoke is?

YOSEOB POV

I was just trying to understand. I was just trying to know, because I thought that if I did, I might be able to do something. Anything. I don't like to see people suffering, to see people hurt right in front of my eyes. And even though Kikwang hides it, even though he puts it in a box and turns the key, it's clear he's hurting. It's clear something happened to him, and it seems to me that he hasn't told anyone, that he hasn't opened up. It's clear to me, at least, that he's keeping it bottled up inside, and I know all too well that everything inside doesn't go away- it just gets bigger. 

BEFORE [9:01 am]

On the floor above me, I heard the clatter of plates, the raised voices, music blasting to full volume. But down here it was silent, Blithe completely cleared of customers. It was Minho's morning shift today, but I was down here, not in the mood today. Not in the mood. 

I was completely exhausted, but I couldn't sleep, couldn't even close my eyes for more than a few seconds before a shiver crawls up my spine, and I have to snap them open, to check for something watching me that can't be seen, can't be heard. To check for something that isn't there. I don't know what it is, but I have a sense that I don't want to know, don't want to realize who I think is watching me.

I had turned the lights off, and the winter sun was still gone, not yet peeping through the buildings, so the place was dark, shadows completely cloaking the room. Silence, it seems, comes with darkness. 

Leaning against the wall, I closed my eyes, forcing them shut. As I do, I feel heavy, clotting exhaustion drag down my limbs, making me think for just a flicker that I hadn't slept for a week, not a single day. But I can only manage seconds, before I feel the presence of something, something watching me. I try to resist it, I try to keep my eyes closed, but all too soon they open. And meet the eyes of a very real Kikwang, just a foot away. 

I jump, flinching and moving back at the same time, the faint light dashing across Kikwang's face making him look unworldly, like something from anywhere that isn't Earth, or at least the Earth I know. My pulse speeds up in that single second, for my sense had become a reality and this was definitely not what I had expected. My heart rate calms almost immediately after my realization that it was just Kikwang, the boy several feet away after shying away from my most likely alarmed expression.

"Oh," I said, awkward. "Sorry. I thought... I thought you were something else." Kikwang's big eyes seemed to draw the light like paperclips to magnets, and they gleamed dimly, while the rest of his face was darkened with shadow. That made it all the most obvious when his eyes flicked to the door to the kitchen, and then back at me. I squinted at him, not understanding, but he cleared his throat and made a move to the door, which, I realized, would have been restricted by me. 

"Oh," I mutter, crestfallen, and shift to the side. Kikwang, his expression flat, moves past me. "Wait." I jam my arm in his path and he looks at me, mouth closed, eyes dark and blank, his eyebrows arched in an unspoken, irritated question. What?

"I was wondering... whose grave was that?" I burst out, and Kikwang's eyes narrowed instantly, his jaw locking. This was the first time that I had dared say anything about that day, and clearly he wasn't happy. But then, just as quickly as his anger came, he locked it inside, and his face drew a blank once again.

"Why did he cheat on you?" The words were quiet, sharp, soft, but they still cut into me as deeply as knives. And I believe they were meant to. A low blow, but perhaps as low as mine, just one that was intended, while mine was not. 

I laughed a bit then, hard and short and ironic, and pushed myself off the wall, trying to mask how much that had actually burned. Kikwang locked his eyes with mine. "Low." 

"No lower than yours," he said, still quiet, still calm, automatically turning to face me as I pace away from the wall. I felt still, frozen in time even as I moved. Frozen. 

"At least I told you," I tell him, and his lips twist with an emotion that I can't place, but something sarcastic and wry and all too sad. "At least I told you almost all, while you've told me nothing." 

"You haven't asked." 

"I just did." 

"You didn't give me your answer. I won't give you mine." His back is on the wall now, and I'm unconsciously pressing him to the wall, trying to gain the upper hand here, although I know with Kikwang, it won't matter; He'll always win.  

"You asked the answer to a question I can't answer myself," I tell him, and his head tilts, his eyes once again catching the faint light.

"I think you know the answer. I just don't think you want to admit it, to you or yourself." I hate it. I hate how right he is, how much I want him to stop talking, to stop saying everything that will tear me apart, and I can feel the seams ripping, but he just keeps going, on and on. "You know why. I know you do." He smirks, but it's so sad and so hopeless and so old it doesn't fit. "I got no answer, you got no answer." 

And now my hands on either side of his face, and my anger is growing, mutating, because I know I'm not angry at Kikwang, I'm angry at myself but he's the one that is making me realize it, and I hate it, I hate it. 

But Kikwang just sneers. "I see you've learned some anger from your boyfriend. Or was it the other way around?" And with those words, my anger is a wave, and I'm drowning, I'm drowning but I don't move becuase I will not, I will not become him. I am not him. I will never be him. And Kikwang just stares back, and we're frozen, frozen in time and I can't move, he can't move and I am so angry but I will not move. I will not move.

And I hear something, Kikwang hears something, and he moves his head and his eyes from me just the slightest bit, and my anger disappears too fast, and I'm left empty. Just empty. 

And Kikwang leaves, and eventually the other person does, but I don't, becuase I'm just empty.

~~~~~~~~~~~

IM SO SORRY FOR THE GIGANTIC WAIT. BUT I'LL TRY TO UPDATE MORE. I PROMISE.