Dearest Jinki hyung,

Where do I start?

There was so much I have told you, hyung. There were so many things that I tell only to you. There has been so much that only you would know about me.

But I guess at the end of the day, there were things I couldn’t tell even to you….especially to you.

I was tempted to tell you at least once. Just once – you know – to see how you’d react.

But hyung, you of all people should know how I badly I handle confrontations. And so like a coward, I kept it all to myself. Like an idiot, I admired you from a distance.

You know, hyung, I loved hugging you. You have the warmest, tightest hugs. Your hugs made me feel safe in your arms. Even the times when you were frustrated and your arms are tensed, or when you were upset and you just needed someone to hug you, I cherished every moment I had in your arms.

I don’t know when it started, hyung. I don’t know if it was a good thing that I even realized. How I started to depend on you, how I started to admire your respectful graciousness, how I started to wonder how someone as nice as you existed. I don’t know hyung. We’ve spend so many years together that it didn’t even matter when the respect I had for you grew to be more than what it should be.

The first time I saw you blow up at Kibum hyung, I didn’t even think. I followed you out the dorms immediately without even knowing why you were so upset. Maybe it was then, that I realized I don’t need to know because I’d always be on your side. It was then that I realized, through all your imperfections, I found that you were perfect in my eyes.

 That same day, you had a long talk with Kibum hyung while I stood slightly away with Jonghyun hyung and Minho hyung – to give you the privacy to sort things out. I saw you wrap your arm around Kibum hyung’s torso. I smiled then. I smiled and thought – I’m glad. I knew Kibum hyung was an important person to you, hyung. I smiled then because I was glad that you made up with him; I was simply glad that you were happy. So I ignored the sting in my chest, the nagging voice that told me that I should be the one in your embrace.

That day, I missed you. I missed you even when you were right in front of me. That day, I hugged you again after everything was blown over. Do you remember me saying that I missed you? Maybe you heard it wrong and thought I said that I’ll miss you because I was flying for a solo schedule that evening. You gave me a skeptical eyebrow rise and told me you’d see me very soon.

Hyung, do you remember when I first told you the magic words? It may have seemed like nothing much. Society made it seem like it.

Love.

Friends tell friends that they love each other all the time.

People tell their dogs and cats that they love them.

Hyung, it took me 6 years of knowing you to blurt it out to you. Did you really think that I said it to any other person I knew? Did you really think that, or did you just pretend not to realize my feelings that were growing for you. Or was the thought that I was gay that impossible for you to phantom?

I guess you can see where I’m going with this.

But there was something else I’ve kept from you, hyung. There was something I have kept from everyone but maybe it’s time to admit to it. I have been upset, frustrated, on the edge, whatever you want to call it. There is no way for me to explain why – because I too don’t know why. These dark feelings have been eating me from inside out, and I didn’t know what to do about them.

I started to cry myself to sleep. I don’t even know why I did. There was nothing wrong with my life. Everything was perfect. Everyday I’d smile and laugh because I convince myself that nothing was wrong. And it is the truth – nothing is wrong. Everything was perfect but I wasn’t. Something was wrong with me. Something was wrong with me because I couldn’t feel the happiness in anything I did anymore.

What do I do, hyung? I miss you so much. The same way I missed you when I stood in front of you all those years ago.

Even when I had no one, I always knew I could turn to you. But this… this would send you in a panic. This would worry you, stress you, and upset you. And I don’t want that, hyung. I only wanted you to be happy. I wanted to see that smile of yours; I wanted to hear your joyous laughter. So I kept silent. I kept silent and I just watched you smile, I watched you laugh. But some sick, selfish part inside of me realized that while I was busy fighting against myself, you could still be happy. You were happy without me. I couldn’t do anything to make you happy. I was just this useless display tagging along behind you, staring like a creep while you dazzled everyone with your smile. I soiled the picture of your joyous happiness with my own depression.

Hyung, just like how I didn’t know how to start this letter, I don’t know how to end it either.

I know you’d be upset reading this. I know you’d do anything to stop me – including pretending to be gay, or to like me. I know how you are, hyung. You always put others above yourself. But hyung, I’m not letting you do that for me because to me, you are the most valuable person in the world. To me, you deserve everything. So for once, let me put you above myself.

Let me show you love the way I know it.

I’ll give you the freedom you’ve given me.

I’ll set you free.

Always your MVP,

Taemin. 

Forgive me for this, I haven't been having the best day and I miss my bestfriend the same way my fictional Taemin misses fictional Jinki, so this became the product (at least I managed to write something, right?) 

I left it as an open ending kinda, but the way I had envisioned this was Jinki reading this letter after Taemin had committed suicide. I was just way too lazy to think of what way Taemin would kill himself so I decided to just leave this story written as a letter instead.