Sighing in frustration, I clicked my pen in anger. Giving up, I pulled myself up from my chair and wandered over to Kai's bed. Kneeling down, I pulled open his top draw, before diving my hand inside the draw. Searching around, my fingers grazed the worn cardboard paper; I had found it! Pulling the journal out of the draw, I snapped it shut with my hip, before setting myself down on the mess of blankets.

The journal was old. The cover long since gone, leaving the remainder of a torn cardboard wrapping. Loosed, frayed pages stuck out among the other sheets. Here and there, a small ribbon, or something along those lines, hung out from the bottom edge of the small book. This was Kai's personal diary. I knew I wasn't allowed to touch it, but that is exactly the reason why I did so anyways.

I had never once actually read anything. I wasn't that mean. I was Kai's friend -he needed to trust me, right? But still, I remained holding the book, wishing to know the contents. He wrote in the thing every single night, late before bed time, right after coffee. I had the need to know what he wrote, to understand my friend: my friend who was forever silent around me and the boys, never sharing anything with us.

Though, he never really was very trusting of us.

He hung out with us, sure. But, to the extent of standing nearby while we hurt others. He never helped, never raised a fist. He never once stopped me every time I hurt Yixing.

I sighed, opening up the draws again, replacing the book back to its original spot. However, a small page slipped out of the book, fluttering to the floor. I bent down, grasping the page between my fingers.

I was about to place the page back, but a door lock unclicking startled me, and I slipped the page under my shirt, before I stood up to greet Kai. He had not a clue.

Kai switched the light off, muttering a small 'Good night' to me. I took that as my cue to leave the room. I slipped into a chair by the door, not yet tired enough to sleep. I pulled the sheet out: the corners were slightly ripped from my quick stuffing of it down my shirt. One corner was folded down, and a strip of tape held the torn page together. I tried to will myself not to read the page, but one word caught my eye: Kyungsoo.

Slightly surprised, I decided to read the page. My curiosity won me over.

Ugh. I seriously don't know what to do with myself. I'm a horrible mess, my mind torn apart.
I wish always that I could never feel, never have feelings. That's what makes us human, right?
I always believed that I would be with Luhan, and that Luhan  would be with me. I always wished for that, but fate is cruel.
He always shows how homaphobic he is, but around Sehun... That's when it shows: He loves Sehun, and the feelings are mutual.
Why. Why couldn't it have been me?

But now everything is different. Now I'm confused.
I love Luhan; really, I do!
But, last night... Something happened.
I dreamt of another.
Kyungsoo.

I met him a few weeks ago. Suho bullied him the very first day... not that I really blame him for that. I mean, Suho bullies everyone. Me, Kris... even Yixing.
But anyways, Kyungsoo.
I don't know where this all came from.
One minute, I believe that Luhan is the only one... the only one who matters. And now? Now I'm second-guessing myself!

I'll give it time. Thoughts of Kyungsoo will pass, and soon enough, Luhan it will be.
We'll see.

Huh. Well, I certainly did not see that coming. Then again, I always knew Kai was hiding something.

He never told me he loved Luhan, apart from that one day that he forced me to admit my feelings for Yixing, and he told me afterwards. After that day, he hasn't spoken a word about it.

But... Kyungsoo?

'Hey, you gonna go kiss Yixing again?'

'Shut it, Kai... Not in the mood.'

It was true; the entire week, Kai has made it his personal responsibility to tease me and prod my shoulder or cheek every few seconds. Honestly, I was sick and tired of it.

'C'mon, Su. You guys clearly like eachother! Why not go for it?'

I sighed. 'Because, Kai... What if he was kidding, joking around? I'll make a fool of myself. Plus, for the last few years, I have done nothing but beat that poor kid; I beat him all because I was afraid! Afraid of having feelings for another boy!'

Kai pat my shoulders kindly. 'I know, I know. But still... Make him forgive you. Go ask him out. Y'know, we only have, like, a week before the holidays start! If you guys become a thing, then during the holidays, you guys can hang out a lot more and stuff!'

'...And stuff?'

'I dunno. Couple things. How the heck would I know, anyways? Never gone out with anyone before!'

I scoffed, standing up. I picked up my sliver tray, ready to take it over to the bin. 'Fine, you win. I'll give it a shot... BUT! If he turns me down, so help me, Kai, I will hurt you!'

Kai only laughed, shoving me forwards. Slightly tripping, I dumped my tray on the pile, and seeked out Yixing's table.

I stood next to the boy, behind him slightly. I could feel my pulse racing, my skins warming and my palms clammy. I was nervous as hell, but despite my whole entire being screaming at me to run for it, I reached out my pale hands and lightly tapped his shoulder. Startled, the boy turned, eyes wide. He cracked a smile, dimples showing. Oh god... His cheeks reddening slightly, as if remembering the memory. The memory of us kissing!

'Uh, hello? What can I do for you?'

I figited nervously, running my hands through my sweaty hair. 'Uhh... I want to say something important to you...'

'Sure! Go ahead!' He smiled still, warming my face up even more, if that were possible. I glanced up from his blond hair, slicked sideways neatly, down to his warm, brown eyes. He waited patiently.

'Look, Yixing. First of all, I... I'm sorry. I'm sorry for how I've been treating you, these last few years. I hurt you, I hurt you in every possible, unacceptable way. And for that, I am deeply sorry. The thing is... I have been doubting myself. I hurt others, and hurt you, because... Because I was afraid. I was terrified at the idea of being gay, of liking other males.
I... I've loved you for such a long time, Yixing. I knew, long ago, that you were the only one that mattered. Nobody else. I had wished, had hoped, that you would one day return my feelings... And just the other day, I felt assured that you did.
So, I stand here, wanting to know one thing. Will you forgive me?'

Yixing gasped at this confession. Infact, all of the cafetaria pretty much fell into silence.

I felt ashamed suddenly, and with a fallen expression, I made to turn away. But a hand stopped me. Yixing.

'I... I don't know what to say, Junmyeon. I just... Okay, yes. I forgive you. But, you have to do one more favour.'

'And what would that be?'

Yixing glanced up, holding my eye contact. His warm eyes smiled, and he reached out, placing his soft palms on either side of my face. His thumbs smoothed across my dark cheeks, and, if possible, I blushed even harder.

'... Be my boyfriend, Kim Jumyeon.'

Not entirely sure what to write here...

Sorry if you guys didn't like this chapter, or found it short, or terribly written. I couldn't think of very much to put into this chap, except for my SuLay feels. I just love them so much, though...

About Kai's letter... I kinda put my own feelings into part of the story.
See, I always believed I would like this one person, and nobody else. Well, that didn't last long, kekeke :)

So yeah... Imma gonna go listen to My Chemical Romance now ;) Sorry for this y chapter :( <3